Thankful for medical advancements...

What am I most thankful for this year?  Medical advancements!

At the end of August, Mark came home from work one night flinching and made a comment that he may need to go to the doctor about the sharp pain he was feeling in the center of his abdomen.  Knowing my husband, a man who tried to heal his own broken arm several years ago, would NEVER ask to go to the doctor unless it was serious.  The next morning I took it upon himself to call his doctor and schedule him an appointment before he decided he didn’t need to go.  After an exam and some bloodwork the GP decided to send him to get a CT to look for a hernia, I knew if one was found that we were looking at needing to surgically repair it, something that I was not looking forward to considering that I was needing surgery to remove my non functioning gallbladder and knew what the medical bills would be looking like should we need two surgeries.  I bit down that worry because I’ve come to accept that medical is not something to put aside until you can afford it.  I’ve learned this lesson the hard way and I’m having to live with the ramifications of that for the rest of my life.

CT was done and results showed what was causing the pain, diverticulitis, something that could be treated with a prescription.  Awesome!

If only that was all they found...

The nurse on the phone informed him that he needed to come in and talk to the doctor about the “spot” they found.  She wouldn’t say what the spot was, only that the doctor needed to tell him about it.  A little while later the online health app showed a new condition - a renal mass.  After googling while waiting for the doctor appointment two days later we were looking at possible kidney cancer.  I wish now we could go back to dealing with a possible hernia - that sounded really good about now.

The doctors appointment was a joke - yes I understand that some news is best given in person but after the beans were already spilled that there was a spot and your health app told us what it was they should have just come out with it instead of making us come in and pay another copay just to find out the size of the mass, which was 2 cm by the way, and to be told that they sent a referral to an urologist.

After weeks of waiting for the referral I finally took over and got his appointment scheduled in October.  Apparently the doctors office had provided all the wrong contact information to the referred doctors which I got corrected and made sure all of the incorrect information was removed from their records.

The appointment at the urologist was just as frustrating.  The CT scan was not on file and we had to drive down to imaging to get the CD for the doctor to review.  The diagnosis did not change - we were indeed looking at a renal mass on the kidney which 90% of the time these masses are indeed cancerous, however his is still small but it needs to come out.  The doctor recommended removal via laparoscopic surgery where they remove part of the kidney which would be pretty painful and would keep him out of work for about 6 weeks.  If he had a desk job or even the ability to be put on light duty the time off would not be as significant, nevertheless this is what we were having to plan for.

Then came the doubt, was the doctor who did more prostate removals than anything else the best fit to cut out part of a kidney - which one of the major risks was severe bleeding?  After talking to multiple people and some other doctor friends the decision was made to have the procedure done down at the Mayo Clinic where they do these procedures hundreds of times a month.

We met with the Mayo urologist earlier this month.  They went over everything, all of the options, risks, follow ups, what we were looking at and answered every question we had.  The curveball we got there was a new option - thermal ablation - basically freezing the mass in place - killing it where it sits.  Most of the time this is not an option but in Mark’s case his is located in the perfect place and is still small enough for this to be a viable option with the same results as the removal with virtually no pain and a much shorter recovery time.  Ok - let’s look at this option further- couldn’t hurt.

The thermal ablation is done by the international radiology oncology team, which we decided the word oncology was to be replaced with “oh shit” cause that didn’t sound as scary.  The earliest they could get us in to speak to the doctors in the radiology department was today, the day before thanksgiving.  Last night we drove down to Jacksonville and stayed the night as opposed to getting up at 5 am to make the 8:45 appointment (mostly for my sanity since I’m pretty sure I would throw up if I had to wake up that early).

I feel like our prayers have been answered.  We are no longer looking at a long painful recovery, no longer looking at weeks of out of work (which would be without pay as all of his vacation would be used up in the first two weeks out), nope, now we are looking at leaving the hospital the same day with a bandaid covering the small needle incision and out of work for a week.

On December 20th they will insert two probes into the mass and will either freeze or boil the mass and the surrounding tissue to kill all of the cells in that area.  We opted out of doing any type of biopsy’s as the risks of infecting any of the surrounding area while taking out the sample was more than what we wanted to risk just to know if his mass fell in the 10% chance of being benign.  We are ok with leaving the dead tissue in his body as there are no adverse affects of doing so.  After the procedure is done he will have to go for CT scans periodically for the next 5 years but that’s it.  Being that the word cancer is in the picture and the only follow up is a CT every few months, I think we are coming out on the extremely lucky side.

Since we didn’t really know what was going on we have been very quiet about this whole thing, mostly due to not really wanting to think about it - cancer is some scary shit.  Now that he is in the hands of the extremely capable doctors down at the Mayo Clinic Mark has given the ok to share.

As I look back at this journey I can see the way we have been watched over - all of my worries have been handled and I know that everything is going to be ok.  So this Thanksgiving I am extremely thankful for the advances in medicine that have lead us to where we are today - for the stomach pain that accidentally found the mass early which has paved the way for the treatment option he will be getting.

I love her...

I love my daughter.

While most will read that statement and think there was no doubt about it but for me it’s a statement of relief.  While yes, I have always loved my daughter and always will, the day to day struggles and battles made me literally want to run away and cry.  Screaming fits and all out power battles were the norm between us.  She is an extremely strong willed child who loves to do nothing more than to push my buttons.  Every outing was work; every grocery trip was a battle; every night was a nightmare.  

I knew there was a problem - I mean what mother doesn’t like her kid?  Those kind of relationships were reserved for the crappy unfit moms right???  We were spiraling out of control and in this process I was not only taking it out on her but everyone else in the family. Every time I expressed my frustrations or asked for help I’d get the same responses “you’re being to hard on yourself” or “you are a good mom” when behind the door I’m a monster yelling and screaming things that I’m sure she will be talking to her therapist about in ten to twenty years.  How does that make me a good mom?  I honestly don’t think people understood how bad it actually was. The only thing I wasn’t doing was physically harming her and that was because I knew I was so frustrated that I could not objectively spank her without it becoming abusive.  Perhaps that’s what made me a good mom - knowing where that line was...

I went searching for any and all answers I could get.  I went to the pediatrician to make sure there wasn’t anything physically wrong with her - unfortunately/fortunately she was fit as a fiddle.  I hoped if she had an ear infection at least there was a cause for this behavior; nope.  I considered perhaps I could find a catholic priest to perform an exorcism, I mean what could it hurt (other than again more therapy bills for her as an adult).  Finally we got in to see a behavior therapist who diagnosed her with ADHD.  

After day one of “ok - this is what we are dealing with” my whole outlook changed. I poured myself into how to deal with ADHD kids and ways to work around their impulse control issues.  I started encouraging active listening and rewards instead of negative reinforcement and attention that I was previously giving her.  

I went to my own doctor for a anxiety/depression screening as well, conforming what I had thought - I was mildly depressed, most likely stress induced.  It was decided that it would be best to begin medication to allow myself time to breath and a fresh start.  That has been the best decision I could have made.  

I have a new outlook on parenting, marriage, life.  I don’t feel like all hope has been lost and I no longer feel so angry that I am lashing out on everything and everyone.  I still remember the night I stayed up for hours making Colleen a “Super Colleen” cape to wear for super hero day at school thinking she was going to LOVE IT!  I was so excited to see her reaction the next morning that I cried that night - I cried because I was excited to do something for her...something I hadn’t felt in SO long.  I cried because for the first time in what may have been years I felt like THIS is what people mean when they say enjoy being a parent.  

Since that night I have found myself enjoying her more and more; that’s not to say there are still not bad days, but they are becoming less and less.  I can honestly without a doubt say that not only do I love my daughter but I like her (most days) too.  

Thankful for Second Chances

This morning started off just like any other morning…my alarm went off and I snoozed it, several times, before attempting to wake Colleen up to catch the bus.

“Mama, I don't want to ride the bus today, I want to sleep some more.”  So I let her…I wasn't to keen on rushing around to get her to the bus stop on time either and it's not inconvenient to drop her off at school on my way to work, after all, it's just right across the street.  Then my phone rings with my daily wake up call from my husband who, as a police officer, had already been working for a few hours. Today his call home was running about half an hour behind his normal schedule.

“Sorry, you’ve already missed the bus if you're not already up, I was tied up with an accident and everyone else is tied up on the other end of the county with a fatality accident involving a school bus.”  Upon those words my heart dropped and I silently prayed all of the children were spared. 

Fast forward an hour and the news hit that it WAS a child that has passed and a picture of the bus was also released showing the damage to the front portion of the bus.  Since Colleen rides the bus I know bus drivers typically place the younger students in the front and suddenly the bus wasn't another school’s bus in the next county over, but rather Colleen’s bus and my world was shaken.  You hear about these types of accidents occurring where students lives are taken but you never think it will happen in your area, so close to home, so the feelings of “it could have been my child” doesn't take place, but today it did.  

The damns broke when the news was released that not only was it a student whose life was taken but a sweet 5 year old girl; only a few short years younger then my child, my little girl.  My heart went out to all of the children and their families along with the first responders because situations like these are NEVER easy on them and I knew some of the officers that had responded also had young children.  All I wanted to do was make sure they got a hug because I remember my husband talking about having to shut off emotions when dealing with fatality accidents but how different it was when children were involved, especially when they are so close in age to your own.  

I can't seem to help imagining that this unknown family’s heartbreak was my own, what would I do if it was me getting this news?  What was the last thing I would have said to my daughter as I put her on the school bus?  Would she know that I truly did love her because I couldn't remember when the last time I said those words to her.  What kind of mother can't remember the last time her young child heard the words “I love you” from her lips???  A shitty one! When was the last time I hugged or kissed her?  When was the last time a day went by that I hadn't yelled at her for something?  I DON’T KNOW!!!  And to me that tells me I'm doing a piss poor job as a mother and that reality check sucks!  

I love children, I really do, but for some messed up reason I can't seem to show my own child that.  I volunteer in the church nursery EVERY WEEK and have done so for the past six years but MY child cries to her daddy at night asking why her mommy doesn't love her and I do NOTHING because she had frustrated me to the point of tuning it out.  Who does that?  

As I sit here in tears because not only do I feel like the worst mother in the world but I'm about to post this for the world to see as well, I am grateful.  I am grateful because I have a second chance, a second chance to be the loving mother, the mother whose children will remember the last time they heard “I love you” the mother that kisses and hugs her children every morning before sending them off to school and every afternoon when they get home.  I will be the mother that tucks them in at night with a prayer to keep them safe and allow them a good nights rest.  

It is said that everything happens for a reason…while I'm certain the reason for this tragedy is much bigger then MY second chance to be the mother my child deserves I will not waste it.  I will be praying for all of those affected by this accident, especially for the family of the little angel, may she Rest In Peace.   

Words

Words...

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"...I grew up saying that over and over again.  As a child you are told to ignore mean and hateful words and as an adult you realize that words are what hurts the most.

For the last few weeks the church I attend has been doing a series entitled "Love Handles" which has prompted many deep thoughts (as I'm sure was the intention of the series) but even if you're not a "Bible Person", as Andy Stanley would say, the series would benefit everyone.   This past Sunday's message discussed relationship challenges - more specifically how we speak to others.  This sermon came at the perfect timing for my life considering my 8th wedding anniversary is right around the corner and my thoughts were already centered around my relationship with my husband and how to make it better.  There was one verse that was discussed that really hit me hard.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Ephesians 4:29

My immediate thought on this was in regards to political discussions/rants/etc.  This is likely due to the recent articles that have flooded my Facebook news feed during the past few days regarding Kathy Griffin's photo stunt, Trumps stance on supporting some global warming thing, and even local court cases that have been settled.  I tend to stay out of politics because I know I do not have the time to devote to actually reading and researching the actual topics and with so much fake news out there I don't know what to believe.  So instead what I see is my friends and family sharing news stories with their take on the topic at large along with slanderous comments towards the person in which the article was about or the other political party.  If the post itself wasn't bad enough then you have the numerous comments under the post.  I understand people have different political views but there is a way to express those and not tear down the person who opposes your views.  Even when one is not calling out one particular person with their comments but rather lumps a whole group of people in their rant - it still hurts others.  I may not be the most politically correct person in the world and I know for a fact that sometimes (more often than I want to really admit) the words that I say are not conducive to bringing others up but at the same time I honestly believe that I don't intentionally go out intending on hurting others either.  That's not to say I've not done so in the past...that can be seen by my Timehop app that shows me my Facebook posts from the beginning of time and I'll be honest and admit that I am ashamed of some of the things I have said and done on social media. This is how I know I have matured as a person - feeing shame for the things I have said or done - otherwise I still would be doing those things.  As some read this I can guarantee there are some posts immediately coming to mind that you wish you took a different approach to your post/comments as well.

My second thought to this Bible passage was how I talk to my family; especially my daughter.  I'm a yeller...I never wanted to be but somehow it happened. I will ask her to do something once, maybe twice and then the yelling begins.  I hate this about myself.  Colleen will even remind me of this every time she yells at me not to yell at her - but at that moment when it is thrown back in my face I'm already at my boiling point that I pass off the blame to a six year old - "well if you would listen the first time I wouldn't have to yell!"  And then proceed to chastise her for yelling at me even though she just learned it was ok to yell by my own actions.  What warped logic is that?  Nobody makes me do anything - I am in control of my actions and me alone, just as everyone else is responsible for their own actions. It's not only my daughter I do this to - my husband also gets the brunt end of my temper and somehow I rationalize that by raising my voice that he will finally hear what I am saying but logically I know that is the exact moment he shuts me out completely.  I can probably count on one hand the number of times my husband has lost his cool with me and resorted to yelling during our 9 year relationship but I don't think there are enough fingers and toes in my house that can track the amount of times I've lost my cool in the past year alone.  Again, I am ashamed of my actions.

It is so much easier to find the faults of others than it is to find your own, myself included.  This post originally started off as something completely different than it ended up being.  Sometimes I have to write things down in order to see truths about myself and I hope in sharing my truths it will help others find theirs as well.  Unfortunately/fortunately we cannot change the past but we can realize our present and adjust to make a better future. Will I ever say something that will bring someone down or yell again in frustration and anger?   Absolutely - but I hope that in shining light on things I need to change that I will become more aware of them and prevent them from reoccurring in the future.

Restoring My Purpose

     My last blog post was almost 30 months ago and it’s no wonder why I feel like I’m missing something.   My blog has been a place for me to gather my thoughts; a place to store memories; a place to hold myself accountable.  Without it I have been lost in my own head, only sharing a portion of my thoughts, only looking at half of the entire picture.
A post from May 2014 showed up in my timehop the other day and I re-shared it in honor of police appreciation week and it generated over 250 hits in just 3 days and it got me thinking about what this blog had meant to me.  It really is a place for my mind to wonder and a place where I can be just me.   I’ve always had to write my thoughts down to feel better but as can be seen by the MANY empty journals I have at my house I’ve decided that I need this outlet as opposed to paper.  Paper doesn’t talk back to you, paper doesn’t tell you when you’re wrong or encourage you when you are down.  Even if nobody ever reads any of my posts, the thought that maybe someone will hold me accountable is enough to make me want to post another entry.

  Recently I’ve been struggling with my role as a mom, well, as a parent in general.  When you are a parent to a strong willed child and you yourself are a planner by nature, every day is a struggle.  When my child refuses to listen my brain immediately goes to the “when she’s an adult she’s screwed”.  Is it that big of a deal that my 6 year old refuses to clean out the car?  Yes and No.  I’ve lacked the energy to fight with her so I have been letting it go, even though I know that she needs these boundaries to grow into a functioning/productive adult.   At the same time I need to get myself in a position that will enable me to parent my child without resenting her or anyone else in my family and unfortunately that’s exactly how I was feeling so to save myself from further resentment I’ve let things go because saving myself from THAT was more important than cleaning the car out/taking the clothes to the laundry/cleaning a bedroom or whatever else I’ve asked her to do.  While I am still in planning mode of “how to proceed with parenting” I’ve been reminiscing via my older blog posts and remembering the joys that I have had being a parent.  I came across the post I wrote for Colleen’s Second birthday “Colleen is 2!” where I wrote all of the things I loved so much that she did.  I can still remember her having to help her daddy out of his gun belt and put it into the closet; I remember how she would get SO MAD if he did it by himself.  I remember her always telling him how stinky his feet were (not that they even stunk but I trained her to always tell him they were).  To be honest, prior to re-reading that post I had forgotten all about those moments and it gutted me.  All I remember now is the naughty things she has been doing – what happened to me being able to find the joy in having her in our lives?  THAT has gutted me the most!  As I thought about all of the forgotten memories a post that a friend had posted came to mind...

  As I think about this post I realize how true it is.  At every age there were more firsts but instead of rejoicing in those firsts I have found myself wanting time to hurry to get to the next stage in life in hopes it will get easier.  In the past few years I have focused on what I struggle with in raising Colleen and have forgotten the good that occurred at that age.  I remember being so excited for all of Colleen's firsts until they became a chore.  That first step was amazing but then she was running away.  I have spent so much time thinking "if we can just get through this stage it will be so much easier" that I have missed out on the sweetness of the younger years.  When did she stop singing Old McDonald correctly instead of E-E-I-O and smelling her daddy's "stinky feet"?  She's exchanged being rocked to sleep for daddy to lay down with her.  When did she stop calling yard sales "house sales" and carrying the cat by it's neck?  Most importantly when did I stop seeing the joys of motherhood?
I may not get her firsts back or even recognize when those lasts have passed but I will get the joys of being a mother back one day at a time...

2014

This past year has been FULL of accomplishments and fun adventures.  I haven’t been very good about maintaining my blog for the 15 people that read it – sorry about that.  Nevertheless, let’s rewind the year and go back into the past.  

January through April was like every other tax season; full of late nights and dinner on the go.  There were a few moments that stood out.  Like the night Fort Stewart was bombing at 11 pm and I could have sworn someone was trying to break into the office since the windows were shaking – hence a call into RHPD to come calm my nerves.  The other fun night was again around 11 pm and I just left the office on the way home and ran into a curb resulting in my FIRST flat tire.  Oh the memories…I hope I never do that again.

My husband and I reached our 5^th year anniversary and to celebrate we went on a cruise to the Bahamas!  Since we never officially went on a honeymoon we left the kids at home and celebrated alone.  The whole trip was amazing and very peaceful.  I was forced to relax and not think about anything at home since I could not contact anyone anyway.  I did learn a few lessons – including I do not know enough to win trivia, no matter how many times I played. 

During the summer I took my very last college course EVER and even made an A!  During that class I had the opportunity to share what I have learned with my husband during the final week’s presentations and that was more nerve wrecking than any presentation I had to do in the past because I knew he would see me every day for the rest of my life.  Luckily he loves me enough to not say a bad thing about me. 

In August, Colleen started the pre-K program at her daycare after being advised she was very intelligent and would do much better moving up regardless of her age.  In the first 4 years of her life this was the first time we sent her to “school” every day of the week which gave both my husband and my Mom a break from watching her throughout the week. 

November, my little girl turned 4!!!  Although she had been telling us for the past year she was already 4 she really stepped into the role of being a big girl…she did it a little too well.  She now thinks since she is a big girl she can do “whatever I want to”; we’ve had many conversations about how NOBODY gets to do everything they want to do, regardless of their age. 

I started my own business selling Origami Owl Jewelry on the side after realizing that with graduation comes the beginning of student loan payments.  So I figured, why not.  I rocked my first month and now am ready to take on the New Year. 

December was the most hectic month of the year.  December is always busy anyway with Christmas and vacations but then we added in my graduation for my MBA.  An additional party on top of Christmas parties made for a very busy month.  THEN add a sick little girl who caught the flu and gave it to her mama – yep, Christmas was one not to forget. 

So now here we are, the last day of the year and as I look back I wonder, what did I do wrong or right?  What did I do well this year and what do I still need to improve on?  Did I keep up with my resolutions from 2013 or did I fail?  What do I want to do for this upcoming 2015 year?  To this I say – I have NO clue! 

I generally have a list a page long of what I want to change for the new year, putting way too much pressure on myself resulting in failure so this year I am taking a different approach.  My mission for 2015 is simply to BE A GOOD PERSON and everything else will fall into place.  I figure if I achieve bettering myself in a way that brings people up and not down then it does not matter what size clothes I wear, what I eat, how organized my house and office is…none of that will matter.  So here I am a quick tempered mommy that still has not made cookies for any neighbor and I hope by next December 31^st I will have achieved the patience I long for and my neighbors actually know my name instead of “Mark’s Wife”.  

Finding what's important

What’s Important?  This is my question I have been asking myself for a long time and I am still struggling to figure out the answer.  A part of me constantly struggles with the need to KNOW what I need to do verses just doing what I think I need to do which prevents me from doing anything.  I’m a procrastinator – if I do not have validation in my thoughts or actions I tend not to act.  This goes for work, home, relationships, personal health – basically everything.  This year is going to be a huge transition year for me and I am already struggling to find the balance.  Here I am, 29 years old, the last year of being in my 20’s and I have no real idea of how to prioritize and I still give up before I start.  I am determined to change this year (typical answer to my problems – determination – yet no action); well I fully intend on action this time so I need to find some way to keep the fire lit under my behind.

How are things changing – well, the last eight years of my life have been focused on work, school, weddings and divorces, kids and more school.  Now I’m done having weddings, done having kids and done with school.  I am now “settled” but I’m not…

I currently don’t know where my place is in life; what is my purpose?  Am I suppose to be living day to day or am I suppose to let life lead me to where I am suppose to be?  How much planning am I really suppose to be doing?  If I’m done having kids then I don’t have to plan on more; I’m not going to get married again since my marriage is far from falling apart and my husband is not allowed to die (he’s got to put use to all that training he does to keep himself coming home each night) so what is left to plan?  I understand the need of financial planning and I am doing that so does that mean I am left to do nothing?  I am a planner and when I have nothing to plan I tend to get unsettled, hence the unsettledness I am feeling now.  So if I can’t plan then I need to figure out what is important in life.

A few weekends ago I went up to Atlanta to visit my BFF and one night we stayed up WAY too late discussing what was important in regards to my marriage.  My husband and I tend to bump heads on what is important in our relationship; I tend to think we should improve on some aspects where he seems to never think anything is wrong therefore nothing needs fixing.  Yes, I understand the difference in guys heads verses a woman’s but it is even more complicated than that.  When I put myself in my husband’s shoes I realize how he seems to think the quirks in our marriage are not important to get upset about because he deals with REAL problems every day at work – dealing with the lost, violent, sick, injured people in our society – it’s no wonder he thinks we never have problems because when you compare the two worlds we are perfect.  I don’t have to arrest people, nor do I have to help get people out of the sunroof of a car because that is the only way out; no, I get to

sit in an air conditioned office and categorize expenses – the worst thing I have to do is tell people they owe money to a government agency.  So how do I determine importance?  How do I, like my father says, pick the hill to die on?  I think this is one of the more important things for me to figure out - without a strong marriage everything else around me could easily fall apart.

Fun, yep – that’s another word not used often in my vocabulary.  I want FUN to be a large part of my kids lives, I do know this is important, but in order to do this I must also allow myself to have fun as well.  This past weekend we went to Summer Waves Water Park and it was…Fun.  I dreaded going because I just KNEW taking Colleen would be more work than it was worth.  The day started off with an extremely excited little girl running into our room at O’dark thirty telling us to “GET UP” because we were going to the water park.  Once we got to the park we all rode one slide that allowed children her size to go down and she had FUN – yelling on the way down “THIS IS AWESOME!”  Seeing her have fun allowed me to have fun.  Surprisingly the whole day went really well and the only frustrating time occurred closer to the end of the day when Colleen began to not follow instructions because she was tired and frankly I was tired too so I’m sure I was getting testy too.  Having fun gave me hope that I could continue to do things with her to bring us both enjoyment.  I still don’t want to bring her to the grocery store but I don’t want to take my husband either so maybe that has nothing to do with her age.  Raising non-bratty kids is important to me - the problem here is figuring out where the line is between fun and spoiled...

As I sit here I am struggling with my need to make lots of lists - maybe lists are something i still need to function but I think I need to make daily lists rather than an impossible to achieve list.  So far I know that my marriage and my kids are important and right now I think if I can focus on those two things I will do just fine...