Time to breathe

Time to breathe…

For the last four months my life has consisted of sleep, work and school, papers and deadlines, tests and tax returns and most of all there was no time to breathe. 

This year I worked at least 116 hours of overtime in 2.5 months on top of being away from home for an additional 8 hours a week going to school – yeah, breathing time was not high on the priority list.  My husband was a real champion during this time, not complaining about taking care of Colleen or never seeing me.  He may have been a little fussy one night when I had to call him to rescue me at 11pm from the side of the road because I may have had a fight with a curb and it won, putting a nice hole in the side of my tire – but all in all my time away was pretty uneventful. 

I took my last exam last night, turned in my last paper last week, and now there is nothing to do but wait for grades; not that I really care what grade I make, just as long as I pass.  School is officially out of my mind for the next month and a half.  For the next 49 days I will get to go to work at 9, leave at 5 and actually have time to spend with my family and with myself. 

So my new dilemma – what to do with all this time I will have.  I don’t want to waste the time with mindless TV watching or internet searching.  I want to do something meaningful with my time, something that I will look back on and think it was fun.  I desperately want to be fun…it’s just my non-fun self holding me back.  So I did my traditional “Tanya” thing and made a list…

A few things I really want to do with my time:

1.       DEEP clean and organize my house – I would like to be able to have visitors, however, not being home for the past four months has really done a number on my house work.  Colleen keeps growing and outgrowing toys/clothes as well as her ability to persuade you into buying her more stuff at the store “OHHHH!  Mommy I LOVE THIS!  Can I have it PLEASE?”  Yep – enter guilty absent mommy here and soon you have overabundance of STUFF.

2.       Healthy living – I've been surviving off fast food and junk these past few months, no time to really cook good healthy food or even go to the grocery store so my weight has increased a few pounds – not that I didn't need to gain a few pounds, but my clothes are starting to get tight and after I splurged and bought good clothes I really do not want to have to go up a size. I want to actually plan my meals, exercise, and play outside (which means I will have to brave the bugs) with Colleen and get some color on my pale self.

 

3.       Spend time with Colleen – it was heartbreaking some mornings when I’d leave for work and Colleen would look up at me and say “Mommy, I don’t want you to go to work – can you stay at home with me?”  My sweet baby girl…

4.       Sew/Paint – I know I've been saying I wanted to learn how to sew for years; I have everything I need to do it, except the time.  Now I will have the time to devote to practicing; the same for painting – I really enjoyed going to my painting classes, and while I’m not very good at it, I think I am better than when I first started, therefore I can paint some pictures to replace some of the not so great ones hanging on my office wall – the ones that people keep asking if my child painted…yep – awkward.

5.       Build real relationships – I've always wanted to be the person who took cookies to the neighbors, who people stopped to say “Hello” to, but I’m not that person – YET.  I’m still “Mark’s wife” to the neighbors who even know who I am.  I want to be the dependable neighbor – the one people go to when they need something, emergency baby sitter, a cup of sugar, etc.  I want to have adult conversations with real people and not just post a status on Facebook to have people, who I never talk to, give me their comments on.  I want to have barbecues in my back yard (which means I need to clean up my back yard too – see “What I want to accomplish number 1” and add “Clean back yard”). 

6.       Grow spiritually – I need to discipline myself to reading and studying the Bible, I need to quit relying on my own ability to control things (since we all know how much I like to be in control).  I tend to want instant results in this area – I want to know everything quickly – do everything right instantly – so I guess the first thing I need to work on is my patience.  One step at a time.  I have been able to memorize one Bible verse – mainly because I've written it so many times trying to get it to look nice on my dry erase board…”Don’t be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” Philippians 4:6

Most of all I want to live a meaningful life and not just live life.  I want to be intentional with the things I do.  I want to be different, the good different, the different that people can look at and say “I can take charge of my life too” – I want to quit letting the world dictate to me how I am suppose to be, what I am suppose to do.  I want to be the person to make a difference to those around me and I will accomplish this during my new free time, the time I will use to breathe and live life to the fullest.    

Change of tone...

When did my attitude of Colleen change from being proud and excited of every little accomplishment to almost dreading what she will come up with next? 

Last night I was re-reading the posts I wrote on Colleen’s first and second birthdays and was shocked to see how the tone of those posts were so different from the one I had just posted for her 3^rd birthday (which was posted 2 weeks past her birthday).  All of the other posts I had up ON her actual birthday.  Sure, some people will think it’s no big deal but looking back, what was I doing in the past 2.5 weeks that I could not take 30 minutes to write down her accomplishments?  What had my attention?  Most importantly, was it worth it? 

Over the last year and a half, I have missed out on so much of Colleen’s life because of work and school.  For the most part of the last 78 weeks I have missed spending time with her close to 156 nights.  When I decided to go back to school I knew I would be missing out; I knew that she would build a closer relationship with her father than me and I hoped that she wouldn't remember me being gone so much during this time of her life.  Now I wonder how different things would be in our lives had I not been away.  Would she still refuse to go to bed at night or would she have a bedtime routine?  Would she still purposefully dump out cereal on the floor or would she want to help mommy by not making a big huge mess?  Perhaps there was really nothing I could do differently to change the way her little mind works – perhaps it is just the age of terrible twos and trying threes. 

Regardless of how she acts now I need to find a way to relate to her positively; I need to find common ground with her, even if it is switching roles every once in a while like we did this past weekend.  She took the “mommy” role and made me go lie down in my bed and close my eyes while she read me a night night story and rubbed my back. 

She loves to have picnics on the floor with her little plates and cups and REAL food.  The last picnic we had baby oranges of which we had to “Cheers” every slice of orange before I was able to eat it (I admit, I taught her that one).

She loves to color and I’m sure she would really enjoy me coloring a picture with her – maybe that way I could keep her on track of coloring on ONLY the paper and nothing else.  She has this idea that her little desk needs to be colored on to make it pretty…as well as my floor if not careful. 

I have a month off of school until the semester of chaos begins, so I have 30 days to make up for the time I have missed.  I am officially on “Fun Mommy” track and there may or may not be a lot of lists and planning involved but hey, that’s how I work.

Me: Colleen, why did you get upset at church today?

Colleen: Because I Love You Mommy and I missed you 

Colleen is 1

Colleen is 2

Colleen is 3

Choosing to be Positive

The more I try to make my life better the more I notice how much the outside world influences me.  I am very thankful that I am becoming more aware of what is going on around me and am able to pinpoint things that I do not like and do not want in my life.  Although I consider myself a rational person, irrational thoughts do tend to run through my head constantly; most of it involves my family life. 

I have the tendency to go into crisis mode if my husband and I ever argue and want to immediately make up some rules or some other type of structure to keep the argument from happening again because I fear in 20 years our marriage will be in shambles if we don’t do something RIGHT NOW.   A few weeks ago I went into meltdown mode at one of our small group meetings because we were discussing marriage.  One of the couples in our group has been married for 25+ years and they said they never fight and are very loving toward one another.  Immediately I knew I wanted that but had no clue how to get that kind of marriage – hence meltdown mode.  I’m not use to couples actually liking each other after they had been married for so long.  I’m use to “he’s so stupid!” or “I’m here because I’m tolerant” and that scares the crap out of me because I don’t want that for myself. 

I remember getting so frustrated with my husband for not understanding my urgency to make our marriage as good as we could possibly get it but then I asked him “didn’t your parents ever fight?”  He looked at me and said that he honestly doesn’t remember them fighting.  I knew then that this was my fight; it is almost like he is oblivious to how bad marriage could actually be.  My fear is not something I can blame on others – I am an adult now and I need to retrain myself to look at the good and not focus so much on the bad. 

I’ve been fighting this fight of focusing on the good for a few weeks already and have already noticed a few simple changes in my own behavior.  Checking back on my Facebook my negative comments have been very controlled.  I notice while reading other’s comments I get a sick feeling when I come across one that I know is not a positive influence on me and I reevaluate my relationship with the person posting the status.  If I find this person is constantly negative I hide their posts, otherwise I chalk it up to having a bad day.   This is one of my boundaries I have set up for myself.  I’m not going to continue to allow other people to drag me down with their destructive behavior. 

My boundaries are a topic of their own, one of which I will address shortly.  I need to write them down and share them so that way others will know and hopefully respect my boundaries if there is ever a time where they could possibly be crossed.

Actions Speak Louder

Actions Speak Louder Than Words…a phrase we have all said or heard before but we still don’t live by it. I’ve had this discussion with my husband many times because he is a “words” guy and I am an “actions” girl. I need proof to believe something to be true. Little background here…my ex-husband was a compulsive liar and I could never trust what he said to be true so when Mark and I got together I made it known that he was always going to be completely honest with me and let me know everything upfront or I wasn’t even going to give him the time of day. He quickly gave in and allowed me to snoop through everything that way everything was out in the open and would make the future so much easier without having surprises regarding the past. Because I know his past I also know what could potentially happen in the future since history tends to repeat itself and now that my life is interwoven with his I don’t think it is unreasonable to protect our relationship from potential harm.

I tend to be very self conscious and remember one day during one discussion about actions vs. words I discovered how different my husband and I think. He said that I should KNOW that he loves me because he comes home every day. I can think of several reasons as to how this does not prove one’s love.
1. It’s easier to come home then not
2. Come home for the kids
3. Don’t have the means NOT to come home
4. Responsibility
5. You’re tolerant
I can keep going but I think I made my point. While I do KNOW my husband loves me it is nice to be shown every once in a while. Saying “I love you” can easily become habit and not really mean the same thing that it once did. I’m a firm believer that you have to keep your relationship a priority or before you know it you become “Tolerant” of each other and that is now way to live your life. I like to feel loved and how I feel love is through actions…not words. While this is true I also feel loved by the actions of putting down words (cards/poems/little notes etc).

As any woman may know, after you have a baby your body is different and sometimes we need some reassurance that we are still thought to be attractive or that we still hold our husband’s attention. I’ve expressed this concern to my husband countless times and every time I get words…no actions. He will say things like “but honey, you ARE beautiful” and “I do want you” but there are never any actions to speak for it. Perhaps this is the difference between men and women cause I can think of many ways of SHOWING your spouse that you are still wanted but I am still in my 20’s and possibly that is the difference.

Feeling like I come first is another thing that I struggle with a lot especially with everything that already goes on in life. Saying that I come first is again, just words. I’ve been having a hard time with this one. So many changes happen when a baby comes into the picture, nothing is ever about you anymore. I am constantly doing things for others to make sure they know they are important and that I love and respect them but I don’t get the same in return. When a child comes into the picture it is very hard to find time for yourself, let alone find time to spend developing your relationship with your spouse so you have to MAKE time. As my husband has said time and time again – “Life happens” and because that is true is more reason why you have to actually set time aside for what you need to do. What is more important – checking email or spending time with your spouse? Taking that “chatty” phone call or having a nice dinner with your family? I think so many times worldly possessions and entertainment take away from your family. I’ve been begging to get rid of the cable – for one it saves money, it keeps from letting the kids watch too much, and it allows more time to find things to do with your family. I remember as a kid I use to love when the power went out because we would play games as a family – now it’s been so long since we did any of it I don’t even remember how to play.

Perhaps there are some things I need to let go of to be happy with my life. Maybe I shouldn’t put so much importance on actions and let words be the actions. I know I have issues regarding “proof” of feelings and need to let go of some of that but I also believe that there is a sense of compromise that must be made for everyone to be secure in their relationships. I feel that there are some actions that have to do the talking for kid’s sake because you can say anything to them and if they don’t see it then what do they have to model after? How do you want your kids to conduct their marriages? Where do they learn about relationships? Look at your life through a child’s eyes and see if you still like it - if not then make your actions a little louder.

Sister Wives

Sister wives…while I would NEVER approve of my husband having more than one wife (besides it being illegal and against my morals of marriage) I am in a roundabout way a sister wife. Before you think I’ve converted to Mormonism let me explain. I’ve been watching the show Sister Wives and the idea of each of the women taking care of the other children as their own isn’t that far off from being a step-parent. If you really think about it, you have a guy who had a previous relationship with someone else, had a child, who is now part of your family. In a perfect situation everyone in the past and present relationships would get along and raise the child or children because they all have the same agenda – to raise a happy, healthy child to be a well rounded adult – right?

Perhaps it’s my nature not to want to fight with people and live with the Golden Rule of treating everyone fairly and equally. I don’t think that just because relationships don’t work out sometimes does not mean that you have to hold hostility towards them and anyone else they might begin or have a relationship with. I understand the hesitance of a mother allowing another woman to step up and say “hey, I’m a parent too” because I wouldn’t want to do it but if something ever happened between Mark and myself I would want a close relationship with the woman who would be helping him raise my daughter when I wasn’t around. I would rather get to know the woman and have that friendly atmosphere rather than my child see hostility there. Why make the situation any more difficult?

I have seen parents try to make the other parent’s life miserable just because they could and I don’t understand the logic behind it. Our situation has sometimes turned heads because Little Mark’s mom and myself had been able to get along (most of the time a lot better than she and Mark did) and we were able to work out issues with each other. People thought that was weird and I find myself thinking it’s weird NOT to do what you can to keep peace in your family.

All in all, if you haven’t seen the show I would actually suggest you watch a few episodes. Yes – some of it is different but all in all it shows that anyone can get along – even women whose husband is sleeping with each of them.

Just a quick warning for my husband – there will NEVER be another woman romantically in your life so DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.