Words

Words...

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"...I grew up saying that over and over again.  As a child you are told to ignore mean and hateful words and as an adult you realize that words are what hurts the most.

For the last few weeks the church I attend has been doing a series entitled "Love Handles" which has prompted many deep thoughts (as I'm sure was the intention of the series) but even if you're not a "Bible Person", as Andy Stanley would say, the series would benefit everyone.   This past Sunday's message discussed relationship challenges - more specifically how we speak to others.  This sermon came at the perfect timing for my life considering my 8th wedding anniversary is right around the corner and my thoughts were already centered around my relationship with my husband and how to make it better.  There was one verse that was discussed that really hit me hard.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Ephesians 4:29

My immediate thought on this was in regards to political discussions/rants/etc.  This is likely due to the recent articles that have flooded my Facebook news feed during the past few days regarding Kathy Griffin's photo stunt, Trumps stance on supporting some global warming thing, and even local court cases that have been settled.  I tend to stay out of politics because I know I do not have the time to devote to actually reading and researching the actual topics and with so much fake news out there I don't know what to believe.  So instead what I see is my friends and family sharing news stories with their take on the topic at large along with slanderous comments towards the person in which the article was about or the other political party.  If the post itself wasn't bad enough then you have the numerous comments under the post.  I understand people have different political views but there is a way to express those and not tear down the person who opposes your views.  Even when one is not calling out one particular person with their comments but rather lumps a whole group of people in their rant - it still hurts others.  I may not be the most politically correct person in the world and I know for a fact that sometimes (more often than I want to really admit) the words that I say are not conducive to bringing others up but at the same time I honestly believe that I don't intentionally go out intending on hurting others either.  That's not to say I've not done so in the past...that can be seen by my Timehop app that shows me my Facebook posts from the beginning of time and I'll be honest and admit that I am ashamed of some of the things I have said and done on social media. This is how I know I have matured as a person - feeing shame for the things I have said or done - otherwise I still would be doing those things.  As some read this I can guarantee there are some posts immediately coming to mind that you wish you took a different approach to your post/comments as well.

My second thought to this Bible passage was how I talk to my family; especially my daughter.  I'm a yeller...I never wanted to be but somehow it happened. I will ask her to do something once, maybe twice and then the yelling begins.  I hate this about myself.  Colleen will even remind me of this every time she yells at me not to yell at her - but at that moment when it is thrown back in my face I'm already at my boiling point that I pass off the blame to a six year old - "well if you would listen the first time I wouldn't have to yell!"  And then proceed to chastise her for yelling at me even though she just learned it was ok to yell by my own actions.  What warped logic is that?  Nobody makes me do anything - I am in control of my actions and me alone, just as everyone else is responsible for their own actions. It's not only my daughter I do this to - my husband also gets the brunt end of my temper and somehow I rationalize that by raising my voice that he will finally hear what I am saying but logically I know that is the exact moment he shuts me out completely.  I can probably count on one hand the number of times my husband has lost his cool with me and resorted to yelling during our 9 year relationship but I don't think there are enough fingers and toes in my house that can track the amount of times I've lost my cool in the past year alone.  Again, I am ashamed of my actions.

It is so much easier to find the faults of others than it is to find your own, myself included.  This post originally started off as something completely different than it ended up being.  Sometimes I have to write things down in order to see truths about myself and I hope in sharing my truths it will help others find theirs as well.  Unfortunately/fortunately we cannot change the past but we can realize our present and adjust to make a better future. Will I ever say something that will bring someone down or yell again in frustration and anger?   Absolutely - but I hope that in shining light on things I need to change that I will become more aware of them and prevent them from reoccurring in the future.

I am a Mother

This is the moment I became a mother...the moment I said "I do" was also the same moment I took on the responsibility of motherhood, although he wasn't officially mine, I knew in my heart it didn't matter, I would love him as if he were.   

This is the moment I "officially" became a mother.  It took me 9 months to grow this 7 pound 14 ounce little girl and I still have the stretch marks to prove it.  When she was born I felt complete, my baby, my little Colleen, would bring me so much frustration and joy, so much anxiety and happiness - she has accomplished so much in her short 3.5 year life, including amazing me each day.  

Being a mother isn't about giving birth, its about loving the children that have been brought into your life.  It's easy being Colleen's mom, she loves me despite my faults, despite my lack of patience; I have every day to show her she is loved, to show her that I am human and even human mommies make mistakes in how we act and raise them.  Its much harder being a step-mom, knowing that the only time you have to offer guidance and show them love is not your time at all.  I am constantly struggling to get an hour of borrowed time.  I want so many things for him but at the end of the day it doesn't seem to  matter because I still have no say and that is harder to handle than any temper tantrum Colleen may throw.  I love my children, regardless of what title I may or may not have, I just wish I had that special time and relationship with both of them.     

                           

      

A Parent's Love

A Parent's Love....

A parent's love is a very powerful thing.  A child who is loved and disciplined with love will grow up healthy and happy and at the same time a child who is raised not disciplined and alone will grow up wanting.  I am determined that my daughter will be loved and raised right.  Every day I search for ways to better myself, better my parenting, better my marriage, always learning and loving.

I am a firm believer that time spent with children is more important then anything else.  You cannot buy time, not with toys or candy.  This is one of the reasons I do not care much about money.  I would rather not buy myself fancy things rather then take away time with my family.  Granted right now I am away for two nights a week at school, but I decided to do this now when Colleen is still very young and will forget I was ever missing then when she was older.  I am not going to school to chase money, rather the opportunities that will come with my CPA license.  I also know my husband is more then capable to love my daughter while I am not home.

It is amazing to see what she does with her daddy...the routine of things she has to do with him from taking off his shoes, socks and tickling his feet to helping him put his gun belt in the closet and help him lock it.  She knows to say the blessing at dinner and ask if she can be done and get down.  One of her favorite things to do is ride the "tractor" with daddy and go on a grass cutting spree of the neighborhood (which I feel is teaching her how to love her neighbors).  My husband is very good at showing her how to be kind to others, how to be loving and respectful, and how to be ADORABLE!  

Some of the most important things I want my daughter to learn is to have manners, treat everyone with respect, not to be judgmental, and to love.

When you know you have "The One"

Not every day is a good day but at the end of the day, even those bad days, I can still see the future with you in it. 

On those bad days all I have to do is think about all the good things you do and my heart is full of love again...

I think about how nervous you were standing in front of everyone on our wedding day all while wondering what was going through your head.

I think about your giggles you couldn't stop when I told you we were having a baby then watching as you ran to the bathroom to see for yourself.

I think about you comforting me during my meltdown of being a "horrible mom" cause I didn't wake up when our tiny baby cried - smiling at me and reassuring me that it was ok, that I was tired and you took care of her and I knew then that you would always be there because no matter how hard I try, I am not Supermom. 

I think about you crawling out of Colleen's room on your hands and knees beckoning her back into the kid filled room after she escaped so that I could have a purse party without the kids.

I think about the puppy dog look you give me when you know you messed up bad that time.  If I didn't know better I would think you do that on purpose because I cant stay mad looking at a face like that.

I think about you jumping up and down with your fists clenched imitating one of my hissy fits.

I think about the many stories I have been told by others of how you have made a difference in their lives, the kind things you have done that you didn't have to do. 

I think about the father you are; while you may not be the perfect father, you make it really hard to find the imperfections and I could not think of a better person to be the father of my children. 

Most of all I think about how you hold me when I have a bad day, knowing there is nowhere safer then right there in your arms. 

The thing I want you to remember is although there are bad days sometimes, on those bad days I still know YOU are THE ONE for me. 

Happy Birthday Honey!  I am thankful for being able to spend this GREAT day with you!

Just Married

I’m sure if you live in the Savannah area you have probably seen several cars with the “Just Married?” written on the back windshield and wondered what was going on.  I’m sure several people noticed the website and meant to look it up when they got home but then forgot what it was by the time they got around to it.  Well, I’ll help you out on the big mystery.   Savannah Christian Church had the pretty ingenious idea of writing “Just Married?” on the back of every car that would let them in order to get the questions going and invite you to their marriage series.  The basic message is as follows (in my words…)

Just Married – GREAT!  A couple made the commitment to each other to stay together for a lifetime.  It’s a long hard road, one which you have to work at otherwise you will find yourself “just married”.  The life will slowly begin to leave your marriage and you will soon find yourself in the relationship for the mere fact that you are married.  So many marriages get to this point and it spirals out of control from there - soon they are knocking at Divorce’s door.  This is the rut that my church, Savannah Christian, is trying to keep marriages out of or rescue them from. 

I’m sure everyone KNOWS you have to work at a marriage for it to work but knowing and doing are two different things.  A few months back I had an epiphany regarding my marriage and how I treated my husband (Changing my ways and putting my husband first).  I figured that I couldn’t change him so I had to change myself (the same thing the first message of this “Just Married” series stressed).  For about two weeks my marriage was great – my husband was being thoughtful, I was being cool headed, things were good – but then slowly it began to revert back to how it was.  I quit holding back and began bickering again, the peace was gone.  My marriage is not bad, but it is also not GREAT and it could be better, just as all marriages could be. 

When I heard the first message of the series and the philosophy that you have to change yourself came about, my first reaction was “AMEN – see Honey, you need to change.”  It was at that point I knew I was in for a rude awakening.  If I changed then slowly he will as well – just as he did when I made a decision to change a few months back. 

As Cam said “Healthy breads Healthy.”  Makes sense right?  Don’t you smile when a bubbly person walks into the room just as your spirits drop when a person who is consistently negative is in the same area?  Look at your Facebook friends – there are people you want to read their posts and some you wish you could unfriend but know you would hurt their feelings if you did.  Wouldn’t that same principle apply to your marriage?  My dad once said watch a dog and see how excited they get when their owner gets home and do the same thing to your spouse.  As much as I hate admitting my dad is right – he was right.  If the first reaction to your spouse coming home is excitement – like you have been waiting for them to come home ALL day, it would be easier to have a great night then if you greeted them with complaints. 

If your marriage is lacking (or just could use a little freshness) I would encourage you to attend this series (or watch it online if you don’t actually want to go to church). 

p.s. I borrowed the car picture - it looked a lot better then my car.

How NOT to have an affair...

So tonight a page I was following did confessions segment for fun – which it was fun and disturbing at the same time. I’m sure I’m not the only one disturbed by the amount of people who cheat on their spouses or significant other. I find equally disturbing the number of people who “like” that fact. Imagine how many marriages would stay intact if people wouldn’t cheat. Do marriages get stale? Sometimes – but that doesn’t mean that you give up and find someone else to fill that void. When you get married you stick it out. Sure, I might sound a little hypercritical since I’ve been divorced and didn’t stick it out but I didn’t cheat. Granted I didn’t wait for the divorce to be final before I continued with my life but the relationship itself was over and there was no going back.

How to avoid an affair…

Have sex – often (read my blog on sex in marriage) – if you are going weeks and even months without sex (and your spouse is NOT deployed) then there is a real danger of you or your spouse straying.

Confess – if you have thoughts of straying tell someone – if you can’t keep yourself honest then bringing a friend or even your spouse into your thoughts can keep you honest. I know if I ever told my husband I was having inappropriate thoughts about someone else he would make sure I was taken care of (not that I’ve had to do this).

Don’t put yourself in a position where you can have an affair – don’t go party and get drunk without someone to protect you otherwise you may find yourself waking up with someone else not knowing how you got there – better yet, don’t drink to get drunk.

Keep your distance – you don’t want to confess everything to someone of the opposite sex to be consoled – you will find yourself liking this person better than your own spouse if you are having problems already in your marriage.

Give your spouse access to everything you own – when you are in a marriage there should be no secrets (other then what you plan on doing special for your spouse). Would it be so bad if your spouse read your emails and logged into your facebook account or even checked your phone to see who you were talking to? If so – ask yourself why – what do you have to hide and should you be hiding that? If you want to keep something private, write a journal – at least it is only you and the paper and nobody else.

Surround yourself with people who have the same values – if you hang out with someone who is cheating on their spouse then they are likely to bring you down instead of preventing you from doing the same thing.

If you find yourself in a position where you think another party might believe you are interested in them be straight up with them. Make sure they are aware that you have no intention of starting anything. The worst thing that will happen is they think you are a little conceded but at least you are on the same page.

Decide not to – if you never give yourself the option to have an affair then you won’t.

Lastly – Respect yourself and others. Just as you wouldn’t want to be cheated on don’t be the one someone is cheating with.

Sex in marriage...

1 Corinthians 7:1-5

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Who would have thought that this would actually be discussed in church – it is officially my favorite passage in the bible. I actually found this passage several months ago and sent it to my husband who laughed and said that only I would be able to find something like this.

It’s a proven fact that couples fight the most about two things, sex and money. Without divulging too much personal information, this is a “discussion” I’ve had with my husband several times. It is pretty obvious to anyone that there is a large age difference between my husband and I (18 years to be exact) and while there isn’t much that the age difference affects our sex life is one of them (me being 26 and at my peak).

Sex…it has become a dirty word and a casual act at the same time. While I am not one to preach about saving sex until marriage – I didn’t wait, however I wish I had. I was by no means loose – I can count the number of men I kissed on one hand and my ex husband was my first. Sex is more of an emotional connection for me and before my husband and I were married there was always something missing and once the “I Do’s” were said something changed, perhaps it was the shame that was no longer there. Now it is the physical intimacy that makes me feel the most loved and that is what I crave the most…the love, not pleasure (not that it’s not pleasurable – because it is amazing).

Sex and marriage go hand in hand. In almost 3 years of marriage I could probably count on one hand the number of times I have said “not now” because I feel like it is my job as a wife to keep my husband from looking elsewhere for it, although he would argue that its because I’m a nymphomaniac. Honestly, in today’s society there are so many challenges to marriage, why risk the possibility of adultery by denying your spouse? If you are sexually satisfied then why would you look elsewhere?

I’m a firm believer in not putting yourself into positions that could lead down a dangerous path. While I understand my husband has friends of the opposite sex and even his boss is a female, I trust that he won’t ruin our family with one of them. At the same time I expect him not to develop any new relationships with other women on a personal level. Although I trust him, I do have check mechanisms in place so that if he began to stray he would have to be very sneaky to do it and hopefully an alarm would go off in his heart to keep him from pursuing it. Some may say I’m not trusting because I do keep tabs on him but I see it more as protecting my marriage. I don’t do anything behind his back, he knows everything I look at and he agreed to allow me to keep tabs on before we ever thought of getting married. He has the same free reign of everything I have as well although he doesn’t take advantage of it. If you could do something to protect your marriage, wouldn’t you do it as well?

We have both been married before, so we are both aware that marriage is not guaranteed to last if we don’t put the effort into it. We make a choice every day to be married and if there is a hard day we do what is necessary to make it to the next day. I’m sure everyone has had make-up sex at one point or another – this has a way of reassuring one another that everything is going to be ok. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is nicer when I feel loved, wanted and appreciated.

So what’s the lesson we learned today…Have sex because it will make your wife (or husband) nicer, it will keep third parties out of your marriage, and most importantly…God said so.

No need for grand gestures…

I don’t need a fancy car or diamond rings – I need love and affection.

Valentine’s Day is not about presents and flowers...it's a day to go out of your way to let the special someone in your life that you really love them. Sure you love them every day but life tends to get in the way of really showing it...

Life tends to go a little something like this…

Wake up. Take shower. Get kids ready. Take kids to school, daycare, Grammy’s house etc. Go to work. Come home. Cook dinner. Clean up. Get kids ready for bed. Go to bed and start again the next day.
Where is the romance in there – where is the time that you can really show your spouse that you love them. When is the extra effort made to say “Hey, I really appreciate what you do for me and our family and by the way – you look AMAZING.”

Since Colleen was born (and most likely all during the pregnancy) I’ve been struggling with feeling like I am appreciated and loved. I’ve struggled with balancing working, momhood, being a wife, keeping the house clean, and everything else I am tasked with. I am often times in my own little bubble with nobody to share my thoughts and feelings with since I have no time to venture off and find a group of friends. I often feel so alone and need a jump start to feeling at peace again. Then Valentine’s Day comes up…

On Saturday I called my husband up at work and told him I wanted salon grade shampoo and conditioner for Valentine’s day (really it was an excuse to buy the stuff since I would feel too guilty to buy it on a regular day). He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to get me a new charm for my bracelet – one of a cross or something to that nature. GREAT IDEA! I decided to look online and see if I could find one I liked at the stores around – and found that Belk was having this awesome sale going on that day until 2 so I told Mark and he said to go get it (why not save money when you can). He does get credit for the idea – the thought counted.

Monday night rolled around and it was late – almost midnight before I went to bed and Mark was still up. I thought it would be cute to put his card on his pillow so when he came to bed it would be past midnight and officially Valentine’s Day. I don’t know when he came to bed but when I woke up the next morning he had written on the mirror “Happy Valentine’s Day – I love you” – nice gesture and I should have accepted that at that. I figured when he got his card it dawned on him that he forgot my card so he was buying himself some time and I was ok with that. He called me later in the day and asked if we had any plans for the night cause he was asked to watch the boys. I said I didn’t have plans – I figured he did…well I was wrong. So I get home – ended up ordering pizza (not my favorite food in the world) but there was a card…from Colleen and the kids…not from my husband. He thought that the writing on the mirror was a substitution for a card. He actually said I got my card this morning on the mirror, and I got my charms and even got something unexpected (card from the kids) so he did more than he needed.

I don’t need presents – the only reason I like cards is because there are so many to choose from you have to read so many to find THE ONE that fits the best – it takes thought and time. Valentine’s day is about presents and flowers to the stores – not to me. I just want to feel loved and thought of. I figured a special dinner would have been cooked since I told him we couldn’t afford to go out to eat again since we just ate out on Friday. I feel like such an awful person for getting upset over a day.

Someone had said that they don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day because they show they love each other every day – well I like to celebrate because I don’t feel loved every day – I feel alone. I am constantly begging for some type of attention – please just talk to me – can we turn off the TV and the computer, can we just spend time together? Can you spit out the nasty crap so I can have a kiss? Can I try to come on to you without you pushing me away?

I have a problem – I analyze everything and it gets me into trouble a lot and makes me feel horrible a lot of times. With special days such as this when nothing special is done I feel like I’m not special enough to do anything for. I’m not important enough to take the time to write down a few words in a card to say how much I’m loved. I’m not worth spitting out the nasty stuff to get a kiss. I wouldn’t have thought I would have to specifically spell out that a kiss is a requirement for Valentine’s Day but apparently I do (making mental note). I think next year I’m going to rip the day out of my calendar and try to forget about it entirely – think of it as just another day because I’m tired of feeling this way – feeling as I do every day compounded 50 times because it was suppose to be special.

I love my husband and while I know he loves me too I don’t think he knows how I need to be shown that I’m loved – and that’s not his fault. I need to work on getting over my insecurities, get over my need to feel needed, get over my fear of being just another face in the crowd that nobody will ever notice. I'm afraid that if I do get over it all then I really wont be needed, loved or noticed...

Differences - why they matter

Yesterday I read a blog post “You marry whom you marry” and it got my gears turning (which typically scare my husband when they do that). So my brilliant plan was to go home, eat dinner, and talk with my husband about how we are who we are, how we differ from one another, and how our differences benefit each other. This was a task easier said than done because in my head I had it all played out how it was going to work and my husband was doing it different than how it was suppose to go (this is a problem I come across a lot). I was taking it seriously and he was being silly with it. One of his first comparisons were that I was ALWAYS right and he was ALWAYS wrong – I thought that was preposterous. I was not ALWAYS right but I’m right if he can’t prove that I’m wrong – just cause he can’t come up with a reason that I’m wrong does not mean that he is ALWAYS wrong. Although this conversation was not going how I pictured it, it was kinda comical when Mark demonstrated my temper tantrum I threw a few weeks ago when he wouldn’t listen to me (difference was I am always so serious and he is not). The discussion ended shortly after it began(my husband does not like to discuss things and I do) so I gave it up but not without ending it with “Fine, I’ll figure our differences out ALL BY MYSELF and write them down and you will just have to read them.” And so the list begins…

I’m young – He’s old(er)
He has a lot of life experience he can teach me and I keep him young and entertained.

I’m a planner – He’s a “fly by the seat of your pants”
If we were both planners we would never have any fun. While I keep us grounded and have our future in mind (and on paper) he helps when my plans don’t work and shows me that everything is going to be OK.

I hate politics – He loves them
I guess one person has to know what is going on in the world around them – and since he already had that job before I came into the picture I don’t have to do it. He keeps me informed on any drastic political moves and I inform him that he is taking it WAY over the top and needs to tone it down a little and bring him back into the middle and not so much on the Right wing (a term I would have never known without him).

I’m serious – He’s “fun”
Where kids are involved, he likes to be the fun dad and eat potato chips for lunch (not really) and I like to make sure they are fed on time, bathed on time, in bed on time, teeth brushed, hair combed etc. He is a VERY good dad and that is one thing I love the most about him.

We are different in a lot of other ways but we mesh very well too. I am the one harder to live with because I am so picky – I like certain order, I like things done the same way and my poor husband has to deal with my wrath when it’s not done right and of course he always manages to mess it up somehow, good thing he is so easy going. Perhaps that’s something I need to work on…helping him figure out how to do it the right way (I’m KIDDING..kinda).

Why risk it?

Why do you do it? Why do you every day put that nasty shit in your mouth knowing that one day it can take you away from your family, especially your kids? You don’t have to worry about anything because when your nasty habit claims your life you won’t have to live with the pain – your family will – I will. You will task me and your kids with taking care of you when you can’t take care of yourself anymore. Your choices will one day tear your family apart – for what? You would rather take the easy road rather than suffer for a few weeks of withdrawals and leave your family to take the hard road of living without you. How selfish can you be? How do you choose to continue to do this when you know what is at stake? By the time a doctor tells you the same thing I have it will be too late. Is this that important that you can’t try to give it up?

You should have a clue what it is like worrying about someone – worrying that they may not come home that night because of their job could at any point kill them. Now look at what I have to go through…not only do I have to worry about you coming home each night but then I have to worry about if the job doesn’t kill you, the nasty shit will. Either way I’m helpless to change any of it. You train, you shoot, you kill bad guys so you can come home but yet every day you kill yourself a little more with each dip – kinda stupid if you ask me.

When news got out last year that you “killed yourself” (mistaken identity) you made sure everyone knew that if that actually happened to call every 3 letter agency because someone killed you and made it look like a suicide but here you are, killing yourself.

Make me understand the logic behind this? If you love life so much why do you risk it? If you love your family as much as you say you do then why do you risk leaving them for dirt? You have a little girl who loves her daddy so much and if you don’t quit you are going to make her watch you wither away. You have a son who knows what you are doing and pleads with you every time he sees you put that nasty shit in your mouth to quit because he doesn’t want you to die either.

I can’t make you quit but I love you too damn much to not try – can you say the same?

Actions Speak Louder

Actions Speak Louder Than Words…a phrase we have all said or heard before but we still don’t live by it. I’ve had this discussion with my husband many times because he is a “words” guy and I am an “actions” girl. I need proof to believe something to be true. Little background here…my ex-husband was a compulsive liar and I could never trust what he said to be true so when Mark and I got together I made it known that he was always going to be completely honest with me and let me know everything upfront or I wasn’t even going to give him the time of day. He quickly gave in and allowed me to snoop through everything that way everything was out in the open and would make the future so much easier without having surprises regarding the past. Because I know his past I also know what could potentially happen in the future since history tends to repeat itself and now that my life is interwoven with his I don’t think it is unreasonable to protect our relationship from potential harm.

I tend to be very self conscious and remember one day during one discussion about actions vs. words I discovered how different my husband and I think. He said that I should KNOW that he loves me because he comes home every day. I can think of several reasons as to how this does not prove one’s love.
1. It’s easier to come home then not
2. Come home for the kids
3. Don’t have the means NOT to come home
4. Responsibility
5. You’re tolerant
I can keep going but I think I made my point. While I do KNOW my husband loves me it is nice to be shown every once in a while. Saying “I love you” can easily become habit and not really mean the same thing that it once did. I’m a firm believer that you have to keep your relationship a priority or before you know it you become “Tolerant” of each other and that is now way to live your life. I like to feel loved and how I feel love is through actions…not words. While this is true I also feel loved by the actions of putting down words (cards/poems/little notes etc).

As any woman may know, after you have a baby your body is different and sometimes we need some reassurance that we are still thought to be attractive or that we still hold our husband’s attention. I’ve expressed this concern to my husband countless times and every time I get words…no actions. He will say things like “but honey, you ARE beautiful” and “I do want you” but there are never any actions to speak for it. Perhaps this is the difference between men and women cause I can think of many ways of SHOWING your spouse that you are still wanted but I am still in my 20’s and possibly that is the difference.

Feeling like I come first is another thing that I struggle with a lot especially with everything that already goes on in life. Saying that I come first is again, just words. I’ve been having a hard time with this one. So many changes happen when a baby comes into the picture, nothing is ever about you anymore. I am constantly doing things for others to make sure they know they are important and that I love and respect them but I don’t get the same in return. When a child comes into the picture it is very hard to find time for yourself, let alone find time to spend developing your relationship with your spouse so you have to MAKE time. As my husband has said time and time again – “Life happens” and because that is true is more reason why you have to actually set time aside for what you need to do. What is more important – checking email or spending time with your spouse? Taking that “chatty” phone call or having a nice dinner with your family? I think so many times worldly possessions and entertainment take away from your family. I’ve been begging to get rid of the cable – for one it saves money, it keeps from letting the kids watch too much, and it allows more time to find things to do with your family. I remember as a kid I use to love when the power went out because we would play games as a family – now it’s been so long since we did any of it I don’t even remember how to play.

Perhaps there are some things I need to let go of to be happy with my life. Maybe I shouldn’t put so much importance on actions and let words be the actions. I know I have issues regarding “proof” of feelings and need to let go of some of that but I also believe that there is a sense of compromise that must be made for everyone to be secure in their relationships. I feel that there are some actions that have to do the talking for kid’s sake because you can say anything to them and if they don’t see it then what do they have to model after? How do you want your kids to conduct their marriages? Where do they learn about relationships? Look at your life through a child’s eyes and see if you still like it - if not then make your actions a little louder.

Who I want to be…

I’ve been thinking A LOT about who I am and who I WANT to be. I don’t consider myself a bad person by any means and I don’t think I am a horrible mom, wife, or friend but there is definitely room for improvement. At times I am selfish, bitter, hateful, and inconsiderate and at those times I hate who I am. I don’t want to be that kind of person.

I want to be a mother that my kids will be happy to have…

Patient
Kind
Fun
Honest
Loving
Responsible
Attentive
Easy going
Selfless

I feel like I fall short of these qualities at times – I get tired or stressed and I take it out on my kids. I want my kids to respect me, listen to me, come to me when there is a problem but how do I promote this if I lose my temper or don’t have the time to spend with them? I want to raise my kids to be well rounded, respectable adults. I want them to be kind and accepting of others but I have to change myself to model how they are to grow up. I have to watch my temper, I have to watch my words, I have to watch my actions otherwise it does not matter what I preach because they will follow in my footsteps.

I want to be a wife that my husband can be proud of…

Respectful
Trustworthy
Outgoing
Pleasant
Passionate
Sexy

I don’t want to be the nagging wife that my husband will never want to be around. I don’t want to be hateful, I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to bring him down…I want to be a woman he can’t wait to come home and see, that he will never get tired of, that he will never leave.

I want to be a person that anyone would be honored to call a friend…

Dependable
Caring
Interesting
Supportive
Accepting
Giving
Positive

I want to be a friend who one can confide anything to, who can be trusted, and who is there when I’m needed and even when I’m not. I want to be the kind of person who brings you soup when you are sick, who won’t think twice about helping out. I want to be the kind of person who is good at giving advice and lifting up your spirit when things are going wrong. I want to be the best I can possibly be...

Please help me become a better person. If I’m falling short, pick me back up and set me on the right path and call me out on it. Becoming the best person I can possibly be takes work and I’m going to give it all I have but sometimes I might not be strong enough to realize what I am doing wrong.

To My Daughter on her FIRST Birthday

My daughter, you are one today. My little baby is gone and here you are – a big girl. You walk and talk, you sing and dance, you know how to take your shoes and socks off and how to hold your foot still for mama to put them back on. I can't help but smile when you jump up and down in your crib with excitement when I walk into the room to get you out for the day. You even listen when mommy or daddy tells you to do something (ie “give mommy the dog food out of your mouth”). You are the most precious gift God could have ever given us.

I remember the day you were born. When you came out I asked everyone in the room if you were beautiful and not an ugly baby. They laughed at me and assured me that you were the most beautiful in the world. You were so small and fit right into my arms – you were born to lay right there. You were so happy to be in mommy’s arms that you even pooped on me – twice but it was ok, I loved every minute.

We took you home that same day but first we bundled you up so you wouldn’t get cold and took you to Mommy’s office so everyone could see you. They thought you were beautiful too. As the days went on we had to take you to the hospital because you were sick. You were a champ; you didn’t complain (much) and you sunbathed under the special lights like a little diva. It wasn’t long until you came home again and we began our first year together.

I use to rock you for hours, long after you fell off to dream world and watch you sleep (I still do). I would wake up late at night and go to where you slept and watch you just to make sure you were breathing. Mommy’s bath times turned into Mommy/baby bath times and every time I got in the tub Daddy brought you to me so you could play. You LOVED taking baths – you use to kick your little feet, splashing water all over the bathroom. I told you it was ok because you made Mommy’s job of cleaning the floors easy since the water was already there.

We took you on your first trip out of state right after Christmas and I got onto Daddy a lot because I was scared he wouldn't pay enough attention to the road, after all, I had VERY precious cargo in that car. You were a very good girl for the whole trip and everyone in Alabama LOVED you. They almost wouldn’t let you leave because they wanted to keep you all to their selves.

I was so excited when you rolled over for the first time. That excitement quickly turned into dread because I was afraid I would forget you could roll over and you would get hurt. Then you started to sit up like a big girl and were very proud to do it too. It wasn’t long until you started eating big girl food too. You loved your food – every time food was around you would open your sweet little mouth for a bite. The doctor said as long as we gave you soft food you could have it so that’s what we did. You had your baby food and mashed potatoes (maybe gravy a time or two as well) and even pudding.

We were in Louisiana when you cut your very first tooth. You were very fussy, as was Mommy because Daddy was at home and I didn’t know what to do, so I gave you a popsicle and that worked great. When you finished your popsicle your tooth was through the gums. I told EVERYONE about your first tooth – you were such a big girl. That even earned you a piece of chocolate chip cookie for your hard work.

Next you started to crawl – but you didn’t crawl like other babies. You did a crab crawl…you put one foot out and drug the other leg behind so your knees never touched the ground. Once you figured out you could move you were into EVERYTHING. I got scared that I wouldn’t be able to find everything on the floor before you did and I was right. One day you were by the front door with something in your mouth and when I took it out I saw it was a dead dried up frog. We washed your mouth out with lots of water afterwards.

You started to pull yourself up on things and not much longer you were standing up all by yourself. You thought it was so cool to pull yourself up and knock everything off the tables but it was ok...that stuff didn't belong there anyway.

When you were a little older than 10 months you took your first steps at one of your brother’s soccer practices and Mommy was SOOOO proud. You quickly got the hang of the walking thing and now you are running!

I can’t believe how much you have changed since you were born just a year ago. My favorite thing you have done is when you FINALLY started to say “Mama.” Just thinking about that brings tears to my eyes. I know you saved that word for last because you knew it was so special to Mommy.
I can’t wait for the time we get to continue to have together and I promise you will always be my baby girl and I will always love you more than anything else. You were once a tiny little caterpillar in my tummy but now you are my beautiful butterfly.

I love you baby girl,

Love,
Mama

Colleen's Birth Story - Mark's aka Dada POV

The Princess’ Arrival
November 8, 2011

Ahh, the birth of a child, a TRUE GIFT FROM GOD. So there we were with the due date coming closer and closer, as in the projected date was TODAY. Was I excited? Yea. As usual I had a ton of other stuff going on this day as well. Range training with a client in the morning and Court at night. Funny thing, when Mark Jr. was born it was the same thing.

So there I was at the range with a client working on the intricate skills of fine tuning a rifle and matching it up to its owner, the Paw in Law was there as well, Tanya was taking the day off to rest and had her mom and sister close by for assistance and of course she okayed me working, said she’d let me know if anything happened. All was okay.

Tanya gave me text and let me know she was going in to do a checkup and Tara was taking her so Randy and I started to finish up our range work, just in case. Tanya ended up texting me back letting me know she was not quite dilated enough and that the Midwife suggested she do some walking. She and Tara left for the Mall (go figure). I wrapped up my stuff and drove down to meet them at the Mall. At about 2pm we went back to the Midwife for another checkup. Still not time…..

We got back home and I got ready for court. Debated about cancelling at the last minute but Tanya said it was good, she would call me if she needed me so away I went to court. As it would have it, I completed my last court case when Tanya sent me a text letting me know “it was time”. I left court and went to her parent’s house (where she was) and away we all went caravanning to the Midwife Center.

Upon arrival it was business as usual, get chart, take vitals, get settled into the room and WAIT. Tanya was dilated enough to stay until Colleen was born and the Born on date was projected to be November 8 so all was on schedule, it was now around 8:30 pm. The girls were working on laps around the office since that seemed to make Tanya more comfortable. Randy and I just did what seemed natural – STAY out of the WAY of extremely Hormonal and Emotional women. Oh yea, I did frequently ask if there was anything I could do to help, or can I get you something, and I did sit with her and rub her back and neck, but for the most part, I tried to help without getting in the way. Randy and I opted to sit in the hall and munch on deer jerky and wait and wait and wait.

Tanya had invited her best friend Gabby to come be a part of the blessing and she did arrive. After some time Tanya got into the Hot Tub to help her relax and hopefully help the baby get more into the correct delivery position. The midwife came in and broke her water which brought on more discomfort. The midwife suggested that maybe someone consider getting in the tub with her to support her from behind. I was already behind her supporting her head and thought to myself, yea I’ll do that. Before I could even get up and think about getting in Gabby was down to her skivvies and in the water- talk about no bashfulness – I saw another side of Gabby I had never seen before, and I was impressed. No not for the reason one would think (ha ha get your mind out of the gutter, we’re having a baby here) No I was thoroughly impressed that without any thought or concerns Gabby would do anything needed for HER FRIEND. Yep, Gabby scored MEGA points with me on this night. I even told her so. You see Gabby and I are on absolute opposing preverbal poles. She is an extremely far left liberal and I am a hard core Conservative so we always discuss politics anytime we are in a room together (which drives Tanya nuts by the way) BUT for her, regardless of our political differences of opinions, to step up to the plate like that for a friend of hers says volumes about her dedication to the people she cares for. THAT’S what REAL friends do, and for that, we can continue to agree to disagree about politics BUT if you mess with her You HAVE to go through ME first and I ain’t no pushover. KUDO’s Gabby.

Now back to Colleen’s arrival. After a while, and many laps around the office, the time finally came. Our little girl was ready to enter our world. Tanya was of course in pain and wanting her to come on but Colleen had other plans. She wanted to play a little hide and seek and peek- a- boo for a while. She’d stick her little head out, look around, then decide to go hide again. Tanya was clearly in pain but she absolutely refused to take any meds. She did refer to me with numerous comments about how this was somehow all my fault and of course she also made a few comments about how she wanted to open up a can of whoop ass on me (paraphrasing to keep it PG rated) but I have to give her credit, 19 hours of labor with no meds proves to me she tough. Finally the moment came, Colleen Elizabeth Rich entered our world (she was late, Princesses must always arrive fashionably late, so she missed her due date by 1 hour and 54 minutes) and has made us the happiest parents on the planet. Tanya made sure she was all okay; she counted her fingers and toes 3 times then made me count and recount. Yep everything was good. After all of the emotional congrats from everyone and the little girl getting all of her medical checks squared away, I cut the cord and so begins the next journey.

I am proud of my family, my son, my wife and my daughter. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am proud of my extended family, my in-laws and sister in law for they are all great and we have all grown together over time and yes I am proud of Gabby for she has shown everyone what a TRUE FRIEND is. Each day I look at my family and I am reminded that all of this is truly a blessing from GOD and I thank him for that. Stay tuned for more to come, for as we celebrate Colleens first birthday we can now move to the next chapter, the growing years, and reflect on all that makes our world go around.

To read more of Colleen's birth stories...
Tanya's (aka Mama) POV

Gabrielle's POV

Ten Secrets to a Successful Marriage

I found list in an article (you can view the story HERE) on Focus on the Family and it fit perfectly into my latest life changing declarations. While I had discovered some of these on my own I still have to work on others.

1. Happiness is not the most important thing. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness will come and go. Successful couples learn to intentionally do things that will bring happiness back when life pulls it away. (This is very true. My daddy use to tell us growing up that nobody can make you happy, you have to choose to be happy. There are times that I feel like I could never make myself happy – usually that happens each month for about 3 days – and during those times I have to ask my husband to PLEASE do something nice for me just so I can have that little boast of happiness.)

2. Couples discover the value in just showing up. When things get tough and couples don't know what to do, they need to hang in there and be there for their spouse. Time has a way of helping couples work things out by providing opportunities to reduce stress and overcome challenges. (I have to work on this – I have a tendency of trying to handle things on my own rather than including my husband and when I can’t do it I get frustrated with him, thinking that he should KNOW that I needed him – sadly my husband cannot read my mind. I have to learn to start asking for help dealing with situations just so he can be there to lean on.)

3. If you do what you always do, you will get same result. Wise couples have learned that you have to approach problems differently to get different results. Often, minor changes in approach, attitude and actions make the biggest difference in marriage. (I can only tell my husband so many times to do something - it's amazing what gets done when I ASK him to do it.)

4. Your attitude does matter. Changing behavior is important, but so is changing attitudes. Bad attitudes often drive bad feelings and actions. (I have been practicing this recently and it has made a big change in my marriage even with it being only a few days into my new outlook on my attitude and how I handle situations. Read "Changing my ways and putting my Husband first")

5. Change your mind, change your marriage. How couples think and what they believe about their spouse affects how they perceive the other. What they expect and how they treat their spouse matters greatly. (Again something I have been working on and has made a big change in my marriage. I have come to realize there is a large difference between how men and women think and without realizing this I would put a lot of blame on my husband for some of the things he did because it is not how I would have done it. I forget sometimes that we are married, which means there are two people here and we needed to figure out how both of us function and work together.)

6. The grass is greenest where you water it. Successful couples have learned to resist the grass is greener myth – i.e. someone else will make me happy. They have learned to put their energy into making themselves and their marriage better. (Both my husband and I have been married and divorced before and are determined not to do it again. I also think that if you are married that you should not put yourself in positions that could potentially create that “grass is greener on the other side” attitude – meaning that if you ever feel attracted towards someone else you need to sever that relationship immediately.)

7. You can change your marriage by changing yourself. Veteran couples have learned that trying to change their spouse is like trying to push a rope – almost impossible. Often, the only person we can change in our marriage is ourselves. (Last week I would have said this was BS – now I would swear by it. There is nothing that I can do to change someone else but I can change myself and how I view things in life.)

8. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Everyday life wears away the "feel good side of marriage." Feelings, like happiness, will fluctuate. But, real love is based on a couple's vows of commitment: "For better or for worse" – when it feels good and when it doesn't. (Read my blog post “Love is a Choice”)

9. Marriage is often about fighting the battle between your ears. Successful couples have learned to resist holding grudges, bringing up the past and remembering that they married an imperfect person – and so did their spouse. (My husband gets onto me sometimes about my tendency of keeping score and he is right (not many times I get to say this) In marriage you have to forgive and forget otherwise you will be 80 years old with a whole lot of hate in your heart.)

10. A crisis doesn't mean the marriage is over. Crises are like storms: loud, scary and dangerous. But to get through a storm you have to keep driving. A crisis can be a new beginning. It's out of pain that great people and marriages are produced. (Because of me and my husband’s “divorce is not an option” mindset we are able to ride out the storms – we might not be happy doing it but it’s not always about being happy right?)

Changing my ways and putting my Husband first...

This past week has been one big rollercoaster; I’ve felt so out of control with everything that has gone on and I’ve been desperately grasping at anything that would give me some feeling of control again. I’m a planner – I have to have a plan in place to function happily and if I feel like there is something unknown I have to do something to try to fix it. A recent discovery regarding my sister and her religious beliefs, or lack thereof, has put my planning gene in hyper drive. I don’t want to wake up in 20+ years and realize that I didn’t do everything I could to ensure my kids grew up the way I wanted them to.

I’ve done a lot of reading this week regarding family, religion, kids, money, etc. and found several things I need to change in my life so my plans for the future will be easier to obtain. After realizing what we needed to do now I had written my husband an email with the some issues I wanted to find solutions for and we could work on them together and get on the same page. When I got home that night I tried to squeeze out of him some answers with no avail. With disgust I went to bed and the next morning someone told me that sometimes we need to just do things ourselves. With this in mind I have been able to see some of my own faults.

The first thing I need to change is putting my husband first. While I always thought I put my husband’s needs first, I did learn a lot of bad habits from my mother regarding how to treat my spouse. I tend to nag and get upset when things are not done when and how I want them done. I’ve rationalized that if my husband really cared he would do it because I want it done. What I failed to realize was while he may not do the task right then I cause more damage to our relationship by complaining about it. I’ve realized there is also a LARGE difference between how men and women think which has in the past been the cause of a lot of upset feelings on my part.

I remember one night a few months ago I was so upset with Mark over something, which I don’t remember what it was now, but I got him mad enough that he actually raised his voice (very rare for him – very common for me). Colleen was in the room and when the argument got loud she began to cry and I felt HORRIBLE – how could I upset her over something that she had no fault in? Growing up I watched my parents fight A LOT and rarely ever saw them nice to each other. I remember being upset because they fought so much and I don’t want my children to ever feel that way. This is one of my big faults, I need to work on keeping my cool in the heat of the moment and if I am still upset about it later I can discuss it with Mark behind closed doors. I don’t want to teach my children how to be mean and hateful, especially to the ones they love.

I tend to have a shared responsibility mentality, again - the difference between men and women, in which I feel like if I am doing everything that it’s not fair and get upset about it. It doesn’t matter that I am more upset that the house is a mess (since I quit doing it since nobody else is) because I live in that moment of anger that nobody is helping. This again is something I need to work on with myself. I cause more damage to myself and my relationship with my husband by not just getting things done myself – I might not enjoy doing the work on my own but it will be short lived rather than dragged out over days because it is sitting there staring me in the face every day.

Recently I have been putting a lot of thought into religion and church and how I want our family to grow spiritually. Not growing up in church has put a lot of questions and uncertainty in this process but I am trying to figure it all out so that my kids won’t feel this way when they get older. This too is something I have been bitter about that I need to train myself to think differently about. Mark, growing up in church, knows what is going on regarding religion whereas I am a lost little puppy. He has no problem helping me with this but there has been a lack of communication and guidance as to how we make this happen so in my eyes, he had put it on the back burner but in his he has been waiting for me (again the difference between men and women). I have now decided that if I want to learn, I need to do it myself. I cannot depend on anyone else to do it for me. We can still grow as a family and do things together but I need to do some extra studying and learning on my own before I can fully be in a position to teach my children the same. With this decision I can also let go of the irritation I had with my husband for not taking charge.

There are so many things that go on in life that I can continue to write for days but the truth of the matter is that when I step back and look at what my expectations are and how I go about having those expectations met, I have a lot of flaws in my methods. After giving up on the thought that Mark was going to help me with my planning and began to do it on my own, Mark had a change of heart and actually began participating in my planning. I was ecstatic (although some of his ideas were not exactly what I was thinking when I began making my list but nonetheless I wrote them down for him). This morning I noticed he hung up Lil Mark’s chore/behavior chart in his room (I had asked him to do this the other night but he said he would do it later so he wouldn’t wake the kids) but I had wanted it in the hallway. My first reaction was “grrr!” so I called Mark to inform him I wanted it in the hall but I tried a different method than I normally would have done. First I thanked him for hanging up the chart then I told him I wanted it in the hall. Normally I would have been hot headed and complained to him about why did he put it in the room and he would have been upset that here he did hang it up but I was still not happy. Rather than anyone being upset he simply said that we could move it – not a problem. The more I thought about it the more it actually made sense to have it in the child’s room and this would also give me the chance to get in there and move out some unnecessary junk. I later told him this and felt so much better about myself and our relationship because I wasn’t angry and didn’t let my knee jerk reaction go too far.

As I was getting ready for work this morning I had another “ahh ha” moment. On Wednesday Mark had gotten into some trouble at school – apparently he found a little girl’s ice cream ticket and erased her name and claimed it as his own. This was one of those times that you sit back and try to grasp why the child would do this when he knew it was wrong. Mark handled it very well and was very fair and hard on Lil Mark regarding the issue and I was very impressed. It was definitely one of those life lesson situations. Anyway, while I was getting ready this morning I was thinking about this and how I know I would not have known what to do had Colleen done the same thing. I realized Mark is very good with the large issues and punishments and not so good with the smaller issues but that was ok because I was good with catching and dealing with the smaller issues and not so sure how to handle the larger ones – we are a good match. Of course when I made this discovery I called Mark to tell him that we were a good match and I could hear the smile in his voice and could almost see his eyes roll as he said “you just figured this out?”

Love is a choice

I went to church this morning and the one thing that really stuck out that the pastor said was that love is a choice; its not the butterflies you feel when you are with someone or the romance that is there or not – you have to choose to love someone. When I thought about it I realized how true this statement was. I remember watching The Wedding Planner and there was a scene where J-Lo’s father was explaining to her about his arranged marriage with her mother. He explained how “I appreciated her, then the appreciation grew to respect, respect grew to like, then like grew to love, a deeper love than I could ever hope for.” Isn’t that how you should find love? By meeting someone, getting to know them, respect them, like them, love them? You can’t force love and if you love someone for physical aspects what happens when it goes away?

I could have very easily been shallow and never married my husband because of physical attributes – don’t get me wrong, I am attracted to my husband, but I love him for him and not his looks. The only reason I push for him to lose weight is not because of how it looks, but because his weight was unhealthy. I want him to live as long as he possibly can and he already has an 18 year disadvantage so the more I can help him do to extend his life expectancy the better off he will be.

I understand now how people can stay married to someone for so long – long after the honeymoon phase is gone, long after the kids have grown and moved away and even after the grandkids arrive…it’s a choice. With this “eye opener” I have a deeper understanding of marriage and am more confidence that this marriage will not end in a divorce like my first one. We are both determined to make this work and we both choose every morning that we are going to stay married and love each other.

Choosing to love does not only apply to your spouse but also your kids. Not everyone has that natural love for their children, as evident by the number of deadbeat moms and dads. Being a parent is hard work and it could be so easy to throw your hands up and say “I’m done” if it wasn’t for the love you have for them. There is nothing glamorous about changing smelly diapers, cleaning up puke, getting up at wee hours of the morning, nursing a biting baby, rocking while there is someone screaming in your arms or even washing green beans out of your hair. I am so thankful that I have the “mothering gene” and have no problem loving my child with everything I have but I’ll be honest and say – sometimes I may not like her that much. Sometimes I do have to rock her long after she fell asleep just to recharge and reaffirm that life is going to continue on and it will be great.

My Honey, A changed man...

I guess men DO change and my honey proved it. I’ve always been a big holiday/special occasion celebrator and Mark hasn’t. I remember the first holiday that came up while we were first dating, Father’s Day. Granted Mark wasn’t the father of my child at this point but he was a father nonetheless. He was so touched when I gave him a present “from his son” and a card I got signed for him. It was a small three photo frame that I filled with pictures of him and Mark Jr. (I had to snoop on to his computer and find some pictures). After he opened the gift he told me that he always had to buy his own father’s day presents in the past if he were to get one. I didn’t realize that he wasn’t use to celebrating ANY holidays.

I forget what happened with my birthday that year but I know it was something I was not use to. Valentine’s Day rolled around – our first one together – and he had to work that weekend and without telling me, he changed the date we were going to celebrate it to a day AFTER – so I sat around all day with his gift and card not knowing that we weren’t celebrating that day. After he finally informed me that he changed the date he did end up buying me a card at one of the gas stations and we had lunch together. He was given instructions that it was OK to change the date of celebrations as long as the other person knows OR it is changed to an earlier date. Fast forward a year to our first Valentine’s Day married and this time he didn’t even get a card. He figured we would go out to eat but hadn’t planned ahead or make reservations anywhere so we ended up driving all over Savannah then settling on Japanese in the Hill. I got my card the next day although it was an “I love you” card since all the Valentine’s Day cards had been pulled by the stores. My first anniversary card was a day late too and I began to expect him to not get a day right.

So my birthday was coming up and I told my husband – just make sure you get me a card – I don’t care about anything else. This was the first time I hadn’t had a countdown to my birthday, first time I wasn’t expecting anything since I told my husband that when I bought my Kindle that it was an early birthday present. Dinner plans were made with my parents and sister and I had an appointment to get my hair cut as a present to myself.

My birthday comes, and while sitting in the stylist’s chair I tell her that I wasn’t expecting anything from my husband and how I have been working on accepting the fact that he doesn’t think outside the box and he is set in his ways and I shouldn’t expect the fairy tales that I like to let my mind drift in. Little did I know how wrong I was at that moment.

We walk into a room at Holton’s and immediately bombarded with “Happy Birthday” and decorations. My honey threw me a surprise party! He even called my best friend (which I didn’t even know he had her number) and deleted the call history out of his phone because he knew I would see it if he hadn’t. It is very hard to hide something from me – I am the biggest snoop. On top of everything else he gave me a gift card to a spa to get a massage. He said he got it because I hadn’t done anything since I had Colleen and I deserved a time to relax. He put a lot of thought into everything…from having little Mark make me a card to signing Colleen’s card with a hand print (which turned into a pink blob) and making signs to hang on the walls. He got everything right and it showed me that he really paid attention to me and proved that men CAN change. This party came during a time I felt like I was slipping away from reality, feeling like a caretaker more than a person, feeling invisible, and it was exactly what I needed to feel special again.

(Card from Mark)
To My Wife
I am so glad I married you. I might not always say it, but I think you are the greatest wife, friend and woman ever…and I love you with all my heart.
Words cannot express how happy you have made me since we have been together. Through the ups and downs I have never lost sight of the reality that you mean more than the world to me.
Thank you for being my Alpha
Your Omega

(Card from Colleen)
Mom
You nurture me
You ease my pains
You care for me
You guide me
You cleanse me
You rock me to sleep
You nurse me
You play with me
You are patient with me
And you love me…
Mom, you’re a busy woman…
And I Love You
Punkie Doodle
(the card was signed with a pink hand print)
PS. Sorry bout the mess – daddy had a problem with my hand moving a lot :)

Reasons I love Mark Rich Sr.

I wrote this a while ago and it still holds true although I did have to make a few adjustments to keep it up to date…

When I first met Mark we were sitting at the same poker table playing poker and he scared the shit out of me…he had this "I'm going to kill you" look to him…and I was very hesitant when I won a hand and took his chips away from him. I never saw him smile or hardly ever laugh. He kept to himself at all times and played his hands to the best of his ability. Even though he has changed A LOT since that day some people may still look at him and get that same feeling…Well I'm here to say that the grizzly bear is really nothing more than a cute little teddy bear (unless you piss him off). This man has taught me so many things about life and even more about love than I can count. Here are just some of the reasons why I love Timothy Mark Rich Sr…

He cooks (usually when I cook I have to go out and buy fast food cause it don't turn out)

He cleans (Now with the baby my time has been wrapped around her, leaving not much time to get things done.)

He washes clothes AND folds them (Ok – so he USE TO wash and fold clothes, now he washes and leaves them on the couch for me to fold and put away, but at least he washes them)

He does what he is asked (If I ever have something to do and can’t get it done he always steps up to the plate – even if it is just bringing me a coke from the gas station)

He is warm (I am always cold…he is always warm…needless to say at night we both get nice and toasty – he just wraps his arms around me and I get to snuggle right in)

He loves to cuddle (What woman does not love to be held every once in a while? Sometimes I come home and all I want is to be held and Mark just opens his arms and pulls me in and does not complain one bit)

He is a great father (He lives for his son (and now daughter) – and whenever we do get the child he just lights up. Nobody is a perfect parent but he sure does try damn hard)

He is a GREAT kisser (OMG this man can kiss…hmmmmmmm)

He is a AMAZING lover (I didn't believe him when he jokingly said he wrote the Karma Sutra…OK I'm convinced now – he did…LOL)

He doesn't give up (Ok, truth be told…when I first really started talking to Mark I really wasn't all that interested – he was a lot older (still is) and I really didn't know how it would work out…but he never gave up and look where we are today!)

He is patient (I know that I can be difficult at times and I don't understand everything but Mark will slow it down and explain anything I need him to or he will just let me get my vent out then hold me close to him as I try to calm back down. He doesn't mind my quirky habits – he actually thinks it’s cute – he doesn't rush me when I'm getting ready too slowly, rather he will sit on the bed and watch me get ready)

He is kind (No matter how angry or upset I get he never says anything that will put me down – never does anything to make me feel any less of a person – even when he had every right to do so – I know I have made a mistake here and there especially with my little snooping habit but he doesn't get angry (which usually makes me feel worse about it) He doesn't fight back no matter how much I try to bait him and even if I happen to be wrong about something he will still say I am right)

He listens (This is different from doing what he is told to do LOL…I have a way of having to put my input into everything – sometimes he agrees, sometimes he doesn't, but he ALWAYS lets me say my peace (which most of the time I AM right))

He learns (I have my way of remembering things especially numbers – I think of some sort of math problem to come up with the answer – for example 0257 would be 0 plus 2 plus 5 equals 7 or backwards 7 minus 5 minus 2 equals 0…Mark knows I do this and he tries so hard to remember things and sometimes I catch that he is doing the same thing I do because that is how I told him I remembered it…or on lil Mark's birthday he turned 5 and Mark told his son that they were the same age cause if you took 4 plus 1 you get 5 – I was SO impressed that he came up with that – that is SO Tanya's way of thinking!!!)

He loves (I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me – sometimes when he looks at me I can see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch, hear it in his words…)

I think God every day for bringing this man into my life - I know I went through a lot to get to this point but Mark had quite a few more numbers to get through to get to me.

The beginning of my love story...

So the last few months I got hooked on the Bachelorette, which is completely unlike me to watch that type of show, but I found myself watching it none the less. Each week I would get swept into the romance of each relationship and each week I grumbled about not being able to go places like they did. Last night during the proposals I watched as two men proposed to the same girl then it clicked – I may have not had this big elaborate proposal or these fancy dates but I had someone who loved me enough to get down on his one knee and ask me to marry him in front of my friends and family. At that moment I didn’t care about being on a beach in Fiji or that I wasn’t wearing a nice fancy dress. All I cared about was the man in front of me, a man that I loved who loved me in return, who was taking that leap of faith with me, asking me to spend the rest of our lives together. I didn’t have a fancy response to give him back, I was actually very short with my “uh huh”, but it was enough to start the first chapter of our love story…

My love story has been somewhat of an unconventional one – as many know there is quite a large age gap between my husband and I, he also has a son from a previous relationship. So when we married in 2009 I not only gained a lifelong partner, I also gained a very loving step-son; instant family right? Although I was happy with the child that life blessed me with to help care for, I longed for a child of my own; one that I didn’t have to share with anyone other than my husband; one that I didn’t have to keep a small barrier up with because I’m not “mom” and there are some things that I just don’t have the right to do. After several months of disappointment of no baby we got our positive results in early March 2010. My little girl was born in November and my life felt complete. I had my husband, a son, and now a daughter to round off the family dynamics. My family has brought me so much joy that I could only begin to attempt to put into words but I will try as I continue to write my love story...