Restoring My Purpose

     My last blog post was almost 30 months ago and it’s no wonder why I feel like I’m missing something.   My blog has been a place for me to gather my thoughts; a place to store memories; a place to hold myself accountable.  Without it I have been lost in my own head, only sharing a portion of my thoughts, only looking at half of the entire picture.
A post from May 2014 showed up in my timehop the other day and I re-shared it in honor of police appreciation week and it generated over 250 hits in just 3 days and it got me thinking about what this blog had meant to me.  It really is a place for my mind to wonder and a place where I can be just me.   I’ve always had to write my thoughts down to feel better but as can be seen by the MANY empty journals I have at my house I’ve decided that I need this outlet as opposed to paper.  Paper doesn’t talk back to you, paper doesn’t tell you when you’re wrong or encourage you when you are down.  Even if nobody ever reads any of my posts, the thought that maybe someone will hold me accountable is enough to make me want to post another entry.

  Recently I’ve been struggling with my role as a mom, well, as a parent in general.  When you are a parent to a strong willed child and you yourself are a planner by nature, every day is a struggle.  When my child refuses to listen my brain immediately goes to the “when she’s an adult she’s screwed”.  Is it that big of a deal that my 6 year old refuses to clean out the car?  Yes and No.  I’ve lacked the energy to fight with her so I have been letting it go, even though I know that she needs these boundaries to grow into a functioning/productive adult.   At the same time I need to get myself in a position that will enable me to parent my child without resenting her or anyone else in my family and unfortunately that’s exactly how I was feeling so to save myself from further resentment I’ve let things go because saving myself from THAT was more important than cleaning the car out/taking the clothes to the laundry/cleaning a bedroom or whatever else I’ve asked her to do.  While I am still in planning mode of “how to proceed with parenting” I’ve been reminiscing via my older blog posts and remembering the joys that I have had being a parent.  I came across the post I wrote for Colleen’s Second birthday “Colleen is 2!” where I wrote all of the things I loved so much that she did.  I can still remember her having to help her daddy out of his gun belt and put it into the closet; I remember how she would get SO MAD if he did it by himself.  I remember her always telling him how stinky his feet were (not that they even stunk but I trained her to always tell him they were).  To be honest, prior to re-reading that post I had forgotten all about those moments and it gutted me.  All I remember now is the naughty things she has been doing – what happened to me being able to find the joy in having her in our lives?  THAT has gutted me the most!  As I thought about all of the forgotten memories a post that a friend had posted came to mind...

  As I think about this post I realize how true it is.  At every age there were more firsts but instead of rejoicing in those firsts I have found myself wanting time to hurry to get to the next stage in life in hopes it will get easier.  In the past few years I have focused on what I struggle with in raising Colleen and have forgotten the good that occurred at that age.  I remember being so excited for all of Colleen's firsts until they became a chore.  That first step was amazing but then she was running away.  I have spent so much time thinking "if we can just get through this stage it will be so much easier" that I have missed out on the sweetness of the younger years.  When did she stop singing Old McDonald correctly instead of E-E-I-O and smelling her daddy's "stinky feet"?  She's exchanged being rocked to sleep for daddy to lay down with her.  When did she stop calling yard sales "house sales" and carrying the cat by it's neck?  Most importantly when did I stop seeing the joys of motherhood?
I may not get her firsts back or even recognize when those lasts have passed but I will get the joys of being a mother back one day at a time...

She's a Dancer...

Last August, I signed Colleen up for her first dance class at a dance studio near my office.  Her class was on Monday's at 10 a.m., not exactly the best time for me but I wanted her to have some way to get some of her energy out.  I really wanted to put her in gymnastics since she is a monkey in disguise, but she was too young and this class had tumbling every other week along with tap and ballet.  After a few months the dance became too much on me, especially since in order to get her to dance every other week I had to take her to work with me for that first hour of the day and she got into EVERYTHING while she was there.  With tax season fast approaching I knew I couldn't do that anymore so I pulled her out at the end of October. 

In December my best friend sent me the following excerpt from a blog, not knowing I had pulled Colleen out...

Gillian Lynn – a choreographer who did Cats, and Phantom. They had lunch and he asked “how’d you get to be a dancer?” She said when I was in school, in the 30′s I was really hopeless, and the school wrote to her parents and said she has a learning disorder. Probably now they’d say she had ADHD. But this was the 30′s, and it hadn’t been invented, it wasn’t an available condition. People weren’t aware they could have that.  

So she went to see this specialist, in this oak paneled room, and she sat on her hands while this woman talked to her mother about all the problems Gillian was having at school. And at the end of it, (she was 8), the doctor went and sat next to her, and said “I’ve listened to all the things that your mother has told me, and I need to speak with her privately, we’ll be right back.”  

As he went out the room, he turned on the radio that was sitting on his desk. and when they got out of the room, he said, “just watch her”. Soon as they left, she was on her feet, moving to the music. He said to her mother “Mrs, Lynn, Gillian isn’t sick, she’s a dancer. take her to a dance school”.   

She did. 

“I went to this room, and it was full of people like me. People who couldn’t sit still, people who had to move, to think. They did ballet, tap, jazz, everything.”  

Then she got a wonderful career at the royal ballet, graduated, founded her own company, met Andrew Lloyd Weber, and has been responsible for some of the most amazing ballets in history...   

Someone else might have put her on medication, and told her to calm down...

After I read this I felt horrible for pulling her out because this was Colleen - the young girl that has a hard time sitting still, who loved to dance around the room, who I know is very smart and gets bored easily and could easily be classified as ADHD but I will not be medicating her even if she was; yet here I took her out of something that she could redirect some of that energy to. 

A few days later I received a call from the owner of the dance studio, asking why we pulled Colleen out.  After I explained the situation she offered to switch her to a class on Saturday.  It was at a perfect time for me; I could drop her off, work for an hour, pick her back up and continue on with my day. 

Recently I began doubting if I would sign her up for next year; she will be old enough for gymnastics and from what I have seen, she wasn't very enthusiastic about dance.  Well, that was before her dance recital yesterday.  She was so excited about dancing on the BIG stage, she was absolutely ADORABLE in her costume AND she DANCED!  She had learned how to dance despite what I had thought.  After the recital she was even teaching me and Mom how to tap to the "Hot Dog" song.  I have no idea at this point if she will ever be a great dancer, but as long as she has fun it doesn't matter.  I won't push her to continue if she don't want to but as far as next year, I will sign her up again.   She is a dancer...

I am a Mother

This is the moment I became a mother...the moment I said "I do" was also the same moment I took on the responsibility of motherhood, although he wasn't officially mine, I knew in my heart it didn't matter, I would love him as if he were.   

This is the moment I "officially" became a mother.  It took me 9 months to grow this 7 pound 14 ounce little girl and I still have the stretch marks to prove it.  When she was born I felt complete, my baby, my little Colleen, would bring me so much frustration and joy, so much anxiety and happiness - she has accomplished so much in her short 3.5 year life, including amazing me each day.  

Being a mother isn't about giving birth, its about loving the children that have been brought into your life.  It's easy being Colleen's mom, she loves me despite my faults, despite my lack of patience; I have every day to show her she is loved, to show her that I am human and even human mommies make mistakes in how we act and raise them.  Its much harder being a step-mom, knowing that the only time you have to offer guidance and show them love is not your time at all.  I am constantly struggling to get an hour of borrowed time.  I want so many things for him but at the end of the day it doesn't seem to  matter because I still have no say and that is harder to handle than any temper tantrum Colleen may throw.  I love my children, regardless of what title I may or may not have, I just wish I had that special time and relationship with both of them.     

                           

      

Change of tone...

When did my attitude of Colleen change from being proud and excited of every little accomplishment to almost dreading what she will come up with next? 

Last night I was re-reading the posts I wrote on Colleen’s first and second birthdays and was shocked to see how the tone of those posts were so different from the one I had just posted for her 3^rd birthday (which was posted 2 weeks past her birthday).  All of the other posts I had up ON her actual birthday.  Sure, some people will think it’s no big deal but looking back, what was I doing in the past 2.5 weeks that I could not take 30 minutes to write down her accomplishments?  What had my attention?  Most importantly, was it worth it? 

Over the last year and a half, I have missed out on so much of Colleen’s life because of work and school.  For the most part of the last 78 weeks I have missed spending time with her close to 156 nights.  When I decided to go back to school I knew I would be missing out; I knew that she would build a closer relationship with her father than me and I hoped that she wouldn't remember me being gone so much during this time of her life.  Now I wonder how different things would be in our lives had I not been away.  Would she still refuse to go to bed at night or would she have a bedtime routine?  Would she still purposefully dump out cereal on the floor or would she want to help mommy by not making a big huge mess?  Perhaps there was really nothing I could do differently to change the way her little mind works – perhaps it is just the age of terrible twos and trying threes. 

Regardless of how she acts now I need to find a way to relate to her positively; I need to find common ground with her, even if it is switching roles every once in a while like we did this past weekend.  She took the “mommy” role and made me go lie down in my bed and close my eyes while she read me a night night story and rubbed my back. 

She loves to have picnics on the floor with her little plates and cups and REAL food.  The last picnic we had baby oranges of which we had to “Cheers” every slice of orange before I was able to eat it (I admit, I taught her that one).

She loves to color and I’m sure she would really enjoy me coloring a picture with her – maybe that way I could keep her on track of coloring on ONLY the paper and nothing else.  She has this idea that her little desk needs to be colored on to make it pretty…as well as my floor if not careful. 

I have a month off of school until the semester of chaos begins, so I have 30 days to make up for the time I have missed.  I am officially on “Fun Mommy” track and there may or may not be a lot of lists and planning involved but hey, that’s how I work.

Me: Colleen, why did you get upset at church today?

Colleen: Because I Love You Mommy and I missed you 

Colleen is 1

Colleen is 2

Colleen is 3

Colleen is 3!

I knew my life would change the moment I found out I was pregnant.  I knew my sleeping habits would change the moment I gave birth.  What I didn’t know is that I would be woken up almost every morning by a 3 foot curly headed little girl shaking me and yelling “MOMMY!!!  WAKE UP!  I want EGGS!”  Yep; this is how my days begin.  On the off chance I get up first, she makes it known she does not like being woken up by the sounds of my morning routine.  “TURN…THAT…OFF!  You woke me UP!”  Apparently my hair can wait to be dried until her beauty rest is complete.

My sweet little 7 pound 14 ounce baby girl has morphed into a 30 pound independent diva who values doing everything “myself”.  She refuses to ask for help, unless absolutely necessary, and makes sure you know it.  While she has no problem barging in on anyone else when they are in the bathroom she is adamant on her alone time – pushing everyone out of the bathroom “GET OUT!  I will call you if I need you to wipe my butt!”

Over the last year Colleen has become more confident in herself, her artistic abilities, and her ability to help mommy with household chores.  Her speech has obviously improved dramatically, she can sing numerous songs, knows all of her ABC’s and can even point them out as well as spell her name, however most of the time it comes out as “C-O-L-L-E-E-N spells Doodle.” 

She is a Houdini in training and has mastered all child safety locks including the doors, forcing us to install hotel locks up high on the doors so she can no longer get out of the back door, turn on the water hose, and help mommy clean the floor by flooding the living room with that said water hose.  Yep – the moment when you walk out of the bedroom to find your 2 year old with a garden hose in the house with water EVERYWHERE is not a moment you soon forget – nor is it a story that many people can top. 

The last child safety escape was probably the scariest.  I was taking a shower and she was able to get out of the door to the garage, open the garage door, find a PERMANENT marker and had enough time to color around the entirety of my car.  While I was very upset that I had permanent marker on my car with no clue how to get it off, I was more concerned that she was outside, by herself, and could have been seriously hurt had she ran out into the road.  I was then very grateful the marker and car distracted her and kept her closer to the house.  Not a proud mommy moment there. 

We have decided that she is indeed part monkey and after I found her hanging upside down from the iron canopy that hung over my four post bed – well…it is no longer there but that does not keep her from climbing on the top of my head board and jumping off onto the bed.  I’m amazed and SCARRED at what this little girl comes up with. 

Few things she loves to do:

1.       Watch “Super Why”

2.       Feed the animals

3.       Build “Towers”

4.       Jump

5.       Run Around

6.       Play

7.       Color (on herself) and paper

8.       Read books

9.       Ride bikes

1.       Take baths

11. Paint her nails (by herself)

What will this NEXT year bring?  I'm afraid to find out...

Colleen is 2!!!

The past year has brought so many new milestones in my little girl's life...

So much has changed in so little time...

Birthday Mornings

She has learned how to use a fork and spoon to eat, drink from a water bottle and even a big girl cup.

She has learned how to talk and people can even understand her...started out one word at a time and now can carry on a small conversation.  She can tell you what she wants to eat (I want oatmeal) and drink (I want apple juice!) tell you where she wants to go play (I go to park and play), and even what she wants to do (I want to play basketball).  

She has learned to ride her little tricycle using the peddles.  This girl is AMAZING on her bike, she can go forward, backwards, turn into circles, maneuver around furniture and even back right up to something and do a 3 point turn without hitting anything. 

She has a great memory, all you have to do is ask her where she hid Mommy's keys, what she did with the fan remote, or where her cup is, etc. and she goes strait to get the item.  They are usually hiding in her bike trunk or the play kitchen oven.

She knows how to play cook...most adorable thing ever is her asking if I want eggs and watch her go to her play kitchen with the spatula and "make Mommy eggs". 

She knows sounds and recognizes every type of vehicle...the look on her face when she hears an airplane (ayrplane) or helicopter (helekopter)...her eyes get even brighter when she hears a choo choo train and she explodes excitement when she sees or hears a motorcycle (motorkykle).  (If you cant tell by now, she spends ALOT of time with her daddy).

She is a big helper...when her daddy comes home from work she has to help him take off and lock away his gun belt and take off his shoes and socks and tickles his feet (of which her mommy has taught her that they are "stinky feet").   She doesn't stop there...she also helps to put the boots away.  Her favorite helping activity is cutting the grass.  I am sure the neighbors love the fact that she loves to ride with her daddy on the lawn mower for hours...they eventually run out of grass to cut and have to put it away. 

She knows her way around a playground too.  She loves to "whee" ( aka swing) and go really high and go down the slide, sometimes even goes up the slide. 

She says the "God is Great" prayer, can count to 5, sing her ABCs (minus a few letters), twinkle twinkle little star, Jesus loves me, the itsey bitsey spider, and dance to I'm a little teapot.  She knows several of her colors (although if you ask her what color something is...the answer will always be PINK).  She loves to play "the bird" which is my IPad, don't ask me how it got named "the bird" and has even taught me cool tricks on it. 

She LOVES to color and write her name, both Doodle and Colleen and can almost spell her name (she has the C O E E N). 

She is very demanding, when she sits on the floor you have to "sit on floor too!"  She has to do everything on her own "I do it!"

She is good at saving money, every time she finds a coin she has to put it in her piggy bank or in her pocket if we are not home.  Her Grammy has taught her that the small plastic card is "money" and now anything about that size is money too (business cards, ID cards, etc.)

I am SO lucky to be the mommy of this precious little girl!  Mommy loves you Honey, Happy Birthday!!!

Mommy's favorite Colleen sayings/doings...

"I wuv you Mommy!"

"(Insert name here) C'MON!"

Making fishy face

Giving hugs and kisses

"Wub my bak" (rub my back)

"May-I-get-down-please"

"Read book and rock"

"Papow!"

Rubbing Bella's belly

"No touch hinney"

"I pass gas"

"Kitty!  Off Da Table!!"

Least favorite Colleen sayings/doings...

"Mommy, I poopo"

"Bye bye Mommy"

A Parent's Love

A Parent's Love....

A parent's love is a very powerful thing.  A child who is loved and disciplined with love will grow up healthy and happy and at the same time a child who is raised not disciplined and alone will grow up wanting.  I am determined that my daughter will be loved and raised right.  Every day I search for ways to better myself, better my parenting, better my marriage, always learning and loving.

I am a firm believer that time spent with children is more important then anything else.  You cannot buy time, not with toys or candy.  This is one of the reasons I do not care much about money.  I would rather not buy myself fancy things rather then take away time with my family.  Granted right now I am away for two nights a week at school, but I decided to do this now when Colleen is still very young and will forget I was ever missing then when she was older.  I am not going to school to chase money, rather the opportunities that will come with my CPA license.  I also know my husband is more then capable to love my daughter while I am not home.

It is amazing to see what she does with her daddy...the routine of things she has to do with him from taking off his shoes, socks and tickling his feet to helping him put his gun belt in the closet and help him lock it.  She knows to say the blessing at dinner and ask if she can be done and get down.  One of her favorite things to do is ride the "tractor" with daddy and go on a grass cutting spree of the neighborhood (which I feel is teaching her how to love her neighbors).  My husband is very good at showing her how to be kind to others, how to be loving and respectful, and how to be ADORABLE!  

Some of the most important things I want my daughter to learn is to have manners, treat everyone with respect, not to be judgmental, and to love.

The Game of Life

Really bad days come every so often, and on those days you want to do nothing but curl up in a ball and cry for hours. Then comes the day after the bad day and on that day you collect up the pieces from the day before and ever so slowly begin to glue them back together...

Today is the day after the bad day and I am filled with hope despite the fact that I only have half a tooth (one of my very expensive crowns may I add) but everything happens for a reason right.  Just have to figure out what the reasons for this is...perhaps it is reaffirming the need to build up the savings account. 

This morning I also attended a Parent Summit at the church where they discussed how to, and the dangers of, raising a child.  While I already knew the principles of most of what was talked about I did learned a few ways of making discipline not such a hassle.  Although many of the things discussed, such as monitoring kids with technology (which I have FULL intentions of doing) do not pertain to me yet due to Colleen's age.  One thing I am going to really try to do is treat discipline more as the game of life - "uh oh...you did it again...time to start back at go".  Perhaps if I keep this in mind then I can discipline in a loving way and not in an angry way.  One thing that was stressed was to make sure your child knows they have a choice and they are responsible for their actions. 

I know I really want to be the type of parent that does not live one way and teach my children to do another.  I will model the behavior I want them to follow because I know this is the best teaching tool.  To do this I know I need to learn a few things such as controlling my temper better. 

I know being a parent is hard, stressful, and testing but most of all it is SO rewarding and I want it to be just as rewarding for the kids.  

Bullies

Is it natural to pick on others or is it something that is taught? I wish I knew what goes through a bully’s head just as I know what it is like for the bullied. I know what it is like to walk with my eyes on the floor, hoping nobody would notice me so they wouldn’t have any reason to tease me that day. I know what it is like to think that nobody likes me – I know how small and unimportant one feels when this is happening. I am thankful that I know how this feels because it has opened my eyes to think outside of what is in front of me. I’m thankful that I can use my experiences to look deeper into a situation and not rush to judgment – but how do you use that to help others?

Are bullies just spoiled kids craving attention? Do their parents go through the motions of providing a roof but no guidance? I wish I knew – I wish I knew so I could help them. Are these kids written off as incapable of being helped – a worthless cause? I surely hope not – I hope that someone will step up and show them the right way to treat others. I wish people would get the idea that “kids will be kids” out of their heads and wake up – you can’t just write everything off as kids being kids – you have to teach them right from wrong – you have to teach by example – you have to take responsibility for their actions and do something about it.

I don’t know a single rational parent who doesn’t want their children to succeed so I don’t understand how there are so many bullies today. Is it that nobody has told them that their little angel that they tuck in every night and give butterfly kisses to is lying to them or are they the parents that do not utter a single nice word to their child and don’t take the time to see the preciousness in them? I don’t understand how a parent can allow their children to bring harm to others just as I don’t understand how adults can do the same thing to their peers.

Parents – you need to look at what you are teaching your kids. Are you teaching them to be kind to others or hate others? Are you teaching them how to handle situations gracefully or ruthlessly? Sure – we are not perfect – we are not always going to do things the right way – but which way is the norm and are you happy with that? If not – it’s time to change and break the cycle.

Holidays - what they are REALLY about...

What is Thanksgiving and Christmas?

Thanksgiving - I get so aggravated with people who think Thanksgiving is all about a big meal – REALLY? It’s about spending quality time with your family and friends, about giving thanks for what you have (as in your family and friends – not material things). So many people love Thanksgiving because the next day is BLACK FRIDAY and they can get up at o’dark thirty and go shopping for Christmas.

Christmas – a time meant to celebrate the birth of Christ but has now become more about Santa Clause and presents. You can’t even say Merry Christmas now without offending someone – I’m sorry but if you are going to be offended by that then don’t leave your house for the month of December. Why does Christmas have to be about how much money you can spend rather than the important things?

Growing up mama always made sure we had a good Christmas, and yes, as a kid I enjoyed it, but I too was very appreciative of what I had. I never counted all my presents to make sure I had equal or more than I did the year before and it irritates me more than anything else to see kids do that. To me, when kids are counting their gifts then they have not been taught what Christmas is really about. I am so aggravated with how spoiled kids are becoming – getting toy after toy all the time then at Christmas you have to go above and beyond so they have a “good Christmas.”

I remember learning about a friend of mine who got one present on Christmas and was floored that was all she got – but she was very appreciative of it and didn’t complain. Why can’t we all be that way? Make it about being with family rather than material things.

How many times has Christmas ended and kids not even know what they got because they got so much? How many toys are broken on the same day? How many gifts are never taken out of boxes because your kids didn’t like the toy? How much money is thrown away because you are trying to keep up with everyone else?

Now that I have a daughter I want her to grow up knowing the true meaning of these holidays and not about how much STUFF she will get. I don’t want her to expect a toy every time we go shopping or complain if she didn’t get what she wanted. I would much rather give her memories rather than STUFF. I’d rather her think of others first. I want her to be happy and things don’t do that – things are only temporary where family and friends are forever.