Thankful for Second Chances

This morning started off just like any other morning…my alarm went off and I snoozed it, several times, before attempting to wake Colleen up to catch the bus.

“Mama, I don't want to ride the bus today, I want to sleep some more.”  So I let her…I wasn't to keen on rushing around to get her to the bus stop on time either and it's not inconvenient to drop her off at school on my way to work, after all, it's just right across the street.  Then my phone rings with my daily wake up call from my husband who, as a police officer, had already been working for a few hours. Today his call home was running about half an hour behind his normal schedule.

“Sorry, you’ve already missed the bus if you're not already up, I was tied up with an accident and everyone else is tied up on the other end of the county with a fatality accident involving a school bus.”  Upon those words my heart dropped and I silently prayed all of the children were spared. 

Fast forward an hour and the news hit that it WAS a child that has passed and a picture of the bus was also released showing the damage to the front portion of the bus.  Since Colleen rides the bus I know bus drivers typically place the younger students in the front and suddenly the bus wasn't another school’s bus in the next county over, but rather Colleen’s bus and my world was shaken.  You hear about these types of accidents occurring where students lives are taken but you never think it will happen in your area, so close to home, so the feelings of “it could have been my child” doesn't take place, but today it did.  

The damns broke when the news was released that not only was it a student whose life was taken but a sweet 5 year old girl; only a few short years younger then my child, my little girl.  My heart went out to all of the children and their families along with the first responders because situations like these are NEVER easy on them and I knew some of the officers that had responded also had young children.  All I wanted to do was make sure they got a hug because I remember my husband talking about having to shut off emotions when dealing with fatality accidents but how different it was when children were involved, especially when they are so close in age to your own.  

I can't seem to help imagining that this unknown family’s heartbreak was my own, what would I do if it was me getting this news?  What was the last thing I would have said to my daughter as I put her on the school bus?  Would she know that I truly did love her because I couldn't remember when the last time I said those words to her.  What kind of mother can't remember the last time her young child heard the words “I love you” from her lips???  A shitty one! When was the last time I hugged or kissed her?  When was the last time a day went by that I hadn't yelled at her for something?  I DON’T KNOW!!!  And to me that tells me I'm doing a piss poor job as a mother and that reality check sucks!  

I love children, I really do, but for some messed up reason I can't seem to show my own child that.  I volunteer in the church nursery EVERY WEEK and have done so for the past six years but MY child cries to her daddy at night asking why her mommy doesn't love her and I do NOTHING because she had frustrated me to the point of tuning it out.  Who does that?  

As I sit here in tears because not only do I feel like the worst mother in the world but I'm about to post this for the world to see as well, I am grateful.  I am grateful because I have a second chance, a second chance to be the loving mother, the mother whose children will remember the last time they heard “I love you” the mother that kisses and hugs her children every morning before sending them off to school and every afternoon when they get home.  I will be the mother that tucks them in at night with a prayer to keep them safe and allow them a good nights rest.  

It is said that everything happens for a reason…while I'm certain the reason for this tragedy is much bigger then MY second chance to be the mother my child deserves I will not waste it.  I will be praying for all of those affected by this accident, especially for the family of the little angel, may she Rest In Peace.   

Finding what's important

What’s Important?  This is my question I have been asking myself for a long time and I am still struggling to figure out the answer.  A part of me constantly struggles with the need to KNOW what I need to do verses just doing what I think I need to do which prevents me from doing anything.  I’m a procrastinator – if I do not have validation in my thoughts or actions I tend not to act.  This goes for work, home, relationships, personal health – basically everything.  This year is going to be a huge transition year for me and I am already struggling to find the balance.  Here I am, 29 years old, the last year of being in my 20’s and I have no real idea of how to prioritize and I still give up before I start.  I am determined to change this year (typical answer to my problems – determination – yet no action); well I fully intend on action this time so I need to find some way to keep the fire lit under my behind.

How are things changing – well, the last eight years of my life have been focused on work, school, weddings and divorces, kids and more school.  Now I’m done having weddings, done having kids and done with school.  I am now “settled” but I’m not…

I currently don’t know where my place is in life; what is my purpose?  Am I suppose to be living day to day or am I suppose to let life lead me to where I am suppose to be?  How much planning am I really suppose to be doing?  If I’m done having kids then I don’t have to plan on more; I’m not going to get married again since my marriage is far from falling apart and my husband is not allowed to die (he’s got to put use to all that training he does to keep himself coming home each night) so what is left to plan?  I understand the need of financial planning and I am doing that so does that mean I am left to do nothing?  I am a planner and when I have nothing to plan I tend to get unsettled, hence the unsettledness I am feeling now.  So if I can’t plan then I need to figure out what is important in life.

A few weekends ago I went up to Atlanta to visit my BFF and one night we stayed up WAY too late discussing what was important in regards to my marriage.  My husband and I tend to bump heads on what is important in our relationship; I tend to think we should improve on some aspects where he seems to never think anything is wrong therefore nothing needs fixing.  Yes, I understand the difference in guys heads verses a woman’s but it is even more complicated than that.  When I put myself in my husband’s shoes I realize how he seems to think the quirks in our marriage are not important to get upset about because he deals with REAL problems every day at work – dealing with the lost, violent, sick, injured people in our society – it’s no wonder he thinks we never have problems because when you compare the two worlds we are perfect.  I don’t have to arrest people, nor do I have to help get people out of the sunroof of a car because that is the only way out; no, I get to

sit in an air conditioned office and categorize expenses – the worst thing I have to do is tell people they owe money to a government agency.  So how do I determine importance?  How do I, like my father says, pick the hill to die on?  I think this is one of the more important things for me to figure out - without a strong marriage everything else around me could easily fall apart.

Fun, yep – that’s another word not used often in my vocabulary.  I want FUN to be a large part of my kids lives, I do know this is important, but in order to do this I must also allow myself to have fun as well.  This past weekend we went to Summer Waves Water Park and it was…Fun.  I dreaded going because I just KNEW taking Colleen would be more work than it was worth.  The day started off with an extremely excited little girl running into our room at O’dark thirty telling us to “GET UP” because we were going to the water park.  Once we got to the park we all rode one slide that allowed children her size to go down and she had FUN – yelling on the way down “THIS IS AWESOME!”  Seeing her have fun allowed me to have fun.  Surprisingly the whole day went really well and the only frustrating time occurred closer to the end of the day when Colleen began to not follow instructions because she was tired and frankly I was tired too so I’m sure I was getting testy too.  Having fun gave me hope that I could continue to do things with her to bring us both enjoyment.  I still don’t want to bring her to the grocery store but I don’t want to take my husband either so maybe that has nothing to do with her age.  Raising non-bratty kids is important to me - the problem here is figuring out where the line is between fun and spoiled...

As I sit here I am struggling with my need to make lots of lists - maybe lists are something i still need to function but I think I need to make daily lists rather than an impossible to achieve list.  So far I know that my marriage and my kids are important and right now I think if I can focus on those two things I will do just fine...