I love her...

I love my daughter.

While most will read that statement and think there was no doubt about it but for me it’s a statement of relief.  While yes, I have always loved my daughter and always will, the day to day struggles and battles made me literally want to run away and cry.  Screaming fits and all out power battles were the norm between us.  She is an extremely strong willed child who loves to do nothing more than to push my buttons.  Every outing was work; every grocery trip was a battle; every night was a nightmare.  

I knew there was a problem - I mean what mother doesn’t like her kid?  Those kind of relationships were reserved for the crappy unfit moms right???  We were spiraling out of control and in this process I was not only taking it out on her but everyone else in the family. Every time I expressed my frustrations or asked for help I’d get the same responses “you’re being to hard on yourself” or “you are a good mom” when behind the door I’m a monster yelling and screaming things that I’m sure she will be talking to her therapist about in ten to twenty years.  How does that make me a good mom?  I honestly don’t think people understood how bad it actually was. The only thing I wasn’t doing was physically harming her and that was because I knew I was so frustrated that I could not objectively spank her without it becoming abusive.  Perhaps that’s what made me a good mom - knowing where that line was...

I went searching for any and all answers I could get.  I went to the pediatrician to make sure there wasn’t anything physically wrong with her - unfortunately/fortunately she was fit as a fiddle.  I hoped if she had an ear infection at least there was a cause for this behavior; nope.  I considered perhaps I could find a catholic priest to perform an exorcism, I mean what could it hurt (other than again more therapy bills for her as an adult).  Finally we got in to see a behavior therapist who diagnosed her with ADHD.  

After day one of “ok - this is what we are dealing with” my whole outlook changed. I poured myself into how to deal with ADHD kids and ways to work around their impulse control issues.  I started encouraging active listening and rewards instead of negative reinforcement and attention that I was previously giving her.  

I went to my own doctor for a anxiety/depression screening as well, conforming what I had thought - I was mildly depressed, most likely stress induced.  It was decided that it would be best to begin medication to allow myself time to breath and a fresh start.  That has been the best decision I could have made.  

I have a new outlook on parenting, marriage, life.  I don’t feel like all hope has been lost and I no longer feel so angry that I am lashing out on everything and everyone.  I still remember the night I stayed up for hours making Colleen a “Super Colleen” cape to wear for super hero day at school thinking she was going to LOVE IT!  I was so excited to see her reaction the next morning that I cried that night - I cried because I was excited to do something for her...something I hadn’t felt in SO long.  I cried because for the first time in what may have been years I felt like THIS is what people mean when they say enjoy being a parent.  

Since that night I have found myself enjoying her more and more; that’s not to say there are still not bad days, but they are becoming less and less.  I can honestly without a doubt say that not only do I love my daughter but I like her (most days) too.  

Thankful for Second Chances

This morning started off just like any other morning…my alarm went off and I snoozed it, several times, before attempting to wake Colleen up to catch the bus.

“Mama, I don't want to ride the bus today, I want to sleep some more.”  So I let her…I wasn't to keen on rushing around to get her to the bus stop on time either and it's not inconvenient to drop her off at school on my way to work, after all, it's just right across the street.  Then my phone rings with my daily wake up call from my husband who, as a police officer, had already been working for a few hours. Today his call home was running about half an hour behind his normal schedule.

“Sorry, you’ve already missed the bus if you're not already up, I was tied up with an accident and everyone else is tied up on the other end of the county with a fatality accident involving a school bus.”  Upon those words my heart dropped and I silently prayed all of the children were spared. 

Fast forward an hour and the news hit that it WAS a child that has passed and a picture of the bus was also released showing the damage to the front portion of the bus.  Since Colleen rides the bus I know bus drivers typically place the younger students in the front and suddenly the bus wasn't another school’s bus in the next county over, but rather Colleen’s bus and my world was shaken.  You hear about these types of accidents occurring where students lives are taken but you never think it will happen in your area, so close to home, so the feelings of “it could have been my child” doesn't take place, but today it did.  

The damns broke when the news was released that not only was it a student whose life was taken but a sweet 5 year old girl; only a few short years younger then my child, my little girl.  My heart went out to all of the children and their families along with the first responders because situations like these are NEVER easy on them and I knew some of the officers that had responded also had young children.  All I wanted to do was make sure they got a hug because I remember my husband talking about having to shut off emotions when dealing with fatality accidents but how different it was when children were involved, especially when they are so close in age to your own.  

I can't seem to help imagining that this unknown family’s heartbreak was my own, what would I do if it was me getting this news?  What was the last thing I would have said to my daughter as I put her on the school bus?  Would she know that I truly did love her because I couldn't remember when the last time I said those words to her.  What kind of mother can't remember the last time her young child heard the words “I love you” from her lips???  A shitty one! When was the last time I hugged or kissed her?  When was the last time a day went by that I hadn't yelled at her for something?  I DON’T KNOW!!!  And to me that tells me I'm doing a piss poor job as a mother and that reality check sucks!  

I love children, I really do, but for some messed up reason I can't seem to show my own child that.  I volunteer in the church nursery EVERY WEEK and have done so for the past six years but MY child cries to her daddy at night asking why her mommy doesn't love her and I do NOTHING because she had frustrated me to the point of tuning it out.  Who does that?  

As I sit here in tears because not only do I feel like the worst mother in the world but I'm about to post this for the world to see as well, I am grateful.  I am grateful because I have a second chance, a second chance to be the loving mother, the mother whose children will remember the last time they heard “I love you” the mother that kisses and hugs her children every morning before sending them off to school and every afternoon when they get home.  I will be the mother that tucks them in at night with a prayer to keep them safe and allow them a good nights rest.  

It is said that everything happens for a reason…while I'm certain the reason for this tragedy is much bigger then MY second chance to be the mother my child deserves I will not waste it.  I will be praying for all of those affected by this accident, especially for the family of the little angel, may she Rest In Peace.   

Words

Words...

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"...I grew up saying that over and over again.  As a child you are told to ignore mean and hateful words and as an adult you realize that words are what hurts the most.

For the last few weeks the church I attend has been doing a series entitled "Love Handles" which has prompted many deep thoughts (as I'm sure was the intention of the series) but even if you're not a "Bible Person", as Andy Stanley would say, the series would benefit everyone.   This past Sunday's message discussed relationship challenges - more specifically how we speak to others.  This sermon came at the perfect timing for my life considering my 8th wedding anniversary is right around the corner and my thoughts were already centered around my relationship with my husband and how to make it better.  There was one verse that was discussed that really hit me hard.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Ephesians 4:29

My immediate thought on this was in regards to political discussions/rants/etc.  This is likely due to the recent articles that have flooded my Facebook news feed during the past few days regarding Kathy Griffin's photo stunt, Trumps stance on supporting some global warming thing, and even local court cases that have been settled.  I tend to stay out of politics because I know I do not have the time to devote to actually reading and researching the actual topics and with so much fake news out there I don't know what to believe.  So instead what I see is my friends and family sharing news stories with their take on the topic at large along with slanderous comments towards the person in which the article was about or the other political party.  If the post itself wasn't bad enough then you have the numerous comments under the post.  I understand people have different political views but there is a way to express those and not tear down the person who opposes your views.  Even when one is not calling out one particular person with their comments but rather lumps a whole group of people in their rant - it still hurts others.  I may not be the most politically correct person in the world and I know for a fact that sometimes (more often than I want to really admit) the words that I say are not conducive to bringing others up but at the same time I honestly believe that I don't intentionally go out intending on hurting others either.  That's not to say I've not done so in the past...that can be seen by my Timehop app that shows me my Facebook posts from the beginning of time and I'll be honest and admit that I am ashamed of some of the things I have said and done on social media. This is how I know I have matured as a person - feeing shame for the things I have said or done - otherwise I still would be doing those things.  As some read this I can guarantee there are some posts immediately coming to mind that you wish you took a different approach to your post/comments as well.

My second thought to this Bible passage was how I talk to my family; especially my daughter.  I'm a yeller...I never wanted to be but somehow it happened. I will ask her to do something once, maybe twice and then the yelling begins.  I hate this about myself.  Colleen will even remind me of this every time she yells at me not to yell at her - but at that moment when it is thrown back in my face I'm already at my boiling point that I pass off the blame to a six year old - "well if you would listen the first time I wouldn't have to yell!"  And then proceed to chastise her for yelling at me even though she just learned it was ok to yell by my own actions.  What warped logic is that?  Nobody makes me do anything - I am in control of my actions and me alone, just as everyone else is responsible for their own actions. It's not only my daughter I do this to - my husband also gets the brunt end of my temper and somehow I rationalize that by raising my voice that he will finally hear what I am saying but logically I know that is the exact moment he shuts me out completely.  I can probably count on one hand the number of times my husband has lost his cool with me and resorted to yelling during our 9 year relationship but I don't think there are enough fingers and toes in my house that can track the amount of times I've lost my cool in the past year alone.  Again, I am ashamed of my actions.

It is so much easier to find the faults of others than it is to find your own, myself included.  This post originally started off as something completely different than it ended up being.  Sometimes I have to write things down in order to see truths about myself and I hope in sharing my truths it will help others find theirs as well.  Unfortunately/fortunately we cannot change the past but we can realize our present and adjust to make a better future. Will I ever say something that will bring someone down or yell again in frustration and anger?   Absolutely - but I hope that in shining light on things I need to change that I will become more aware of them and prevent them from reoccurring in the future.

Restoring My Purpose

     My last blog post was almost 30 months ago and it’s no wonder why I feel like I’m missing something.   My blog has been a place for me to gather my thoughts; a place to store memories; a place to hold myself accountable.  Without it I have been lost in my own head, only sharing a portion of my thoughts, only looking at half of the entire picture.
A post from May 2014 showed up in my timehop the other day and I re-shared it in honor of police appreciation week and it generated over 250 hits in just 3 days and it got me thinking about what this blog had meant to me.  It really is a place for my mind to wonder and a place where I can be just me.   I’ve always had to write my thoughts down to feel better but as can be seen by the MANY empty journals I have at my house I’ve decided that I need this outlet as opposed to paper.  Paper doesn’t talk back to you, paper doesn’t tell you when you’re wrong or encourage you when you are down.  Even if nobody ever reads any of my posts, the thought that maybe someone will hold me accountable is enough to make me want to post another entry.

  Recently I’ve been struggling with my role as a mom, well, as a parent in general.  When you are a parent to a strong willed child and you yourself are a planner by nature, every day is a struggle.  When my child refuses to listen my brain immediately goes to the “when she’s an adult she’s screwed”.  Is it that big of a deal that my 6 year old refuses to clean out the car?  Yes and No.  I’ve lacked the energy to fight with her so I have been letting it go, even though I know that she needs these boundaries to grow into a functioning/productive adult.   At the same time I need to get myself in a position that will enable me to parent my child without resenting her or anyone else in my family and unfortunately that’s exactly how I was feeling so to save myself from further resentment I’ve let things go because saving myself from THAT was more important than cleaning the car out/taking the clothes to the laundry/cleaning a bedroom or whatever else I’ve asked her to do.  While I am still in planning mode of “how to proceed with parenting” I’ve been reminiscing via my older blog posts and remembering the joys that I have had being a parent.  I came across the post I wrote for Colleen’s Second birthday “Colleen is 2!” where I wrote all of the things I loved so much that she did.  I can still remember her having to help her daddy out of his gun belt and put it into the closet; I remember how she would get SO MAD if he did it by himself.  I remember her always telling him how stinky his feet were (not that they even stunk but I trained her to always tell him they were).  To be honest, prior to re-reading that post I had forgotten all about those moments and it gutted me.  All I remember now is the naughty things she has been doing – what happened to me being able to find the joy in having her in our lives?  THAT has gutted me the most!  As I thought about all of the forgotten memories a post that a friend had posted came to mind...

  As I think about this post I realize how true it is.  At every age there were more firsts but instead of rejoicing in those firsts I have found myself wanting time to hurry to get to the next stage in life in hopes it will get easier.  In the past few years I have focused on what I struggle with in raising Colleen and have forgotten the good that occurred at that age.  I remember being so excited for all of Colleen's firsts until they became a chore.  That first step was amazing but then she was running away.  I have spent so much time thinking "if we can just get through this stage it will be so much easier" that I have missed out on the sweetness of the younger years.  When did she stop singing Old McDonald correctly instead of E-E-I-O and smelling her daddy's "stinky feet"?  She's exchanged being rocked to sleep for daddy to lay down with her.  When did she stop calling yard sales "house sales" and carrying the cat by it's neck?  Most importantly when did I stop seeing the joys of motherhood?
I may not get her firsts back or even recognize when those lasts have passed but I will get the joys of being a mother back one day at a time...

Taking a stroll down memory lane...

January 6, 2011: Our first day back at work and Colleen pooped all over her outfit almost an hour after we got there. I forgot extra socks so I rubber banded the bottom of her pant legs to keep her feet warm. 

January 14, 2011: Discovered Mark is the only person Colleen don’t like in the family – did not cry with Pa-Paw or grandma, only her daddy.

January 24: Let daddy hold you without crying.

January 25: Laughed a little – not enough to qualify as a real giggle.

March 4: Colleen rolled over from her stomach to back for the first time.  She didn’t know why her mommy was so excited but enjoyed it nonetheless.

Last entry – March 24: Stayed home all day with daddy – ate peas…

I had a great idea when Colleen was little to keep up with what was going on in a day planner I made just for this purpose; however it only lasted 3 months and then there was nothing.  Many of her other milestones were recorded on FaceBook with the intent to record them at a later date, however, here it is May 15, 2014 and I have yet to record them.  My memories are for the most part gone, I have forgotten what she has achieved and when she achieved them. 

What brought on memory lane?  I read a blog post today about a woman who is keeping a one line journal of what is going on during her mommy life in a 5 year memory book. (You can read it here) I instantly regretted not keeping up with my “diary” of Colleen’s achievements.  Looking back at what I do have brought back so many memories, like the first time she stayed home with Mark (on March 4^th).  When she was nursing she refused to take a bottle.  I had come home at lunch to feed her and she was supposed to have a bottle before I made it home at 5, however she refused.  I rushed home worrying that my poor baby girl would be starving and when I walked in the door Mark was sitting with her at the table feeding her peas.  He smiled up at me and simply said she was hungry and wouldn’t take the bottle so he fed her peas until I made it home.  I remember thinking I had nothing to worry about – her daddy wasn’t going to let anything happen to her. 

Now that Colleen is 3.5 years old, most of her baby milestones are over, however she still does things that I want to remember, like her singing the monkey/alligator song to me – its so adorable, I will have to get a video of her singing it.  I still want to record those memories so I ordered me one of the 5 year memory diaries.  In the mean time I’m going to go back in time and attempt to record some of those milestones I’d written down on Facebook…who knows what I will discover – I’m eager to find out. 

I am a Mother

This is the moment I became a mother...the moment I said "I do" was also the same moment I took on the responsibility of motherhood, although he wasn't officially mine, I knew in my heart it didn't matter, I would love him as if he were.   

This is the moment I "officially" became a mother.  It took me 9 months to grow this 7 pound 14 ounce little girl and I still have the stretch marks to prove it.  When she was born I felt complete, my baby, my little Colleen, would bring me so much frustration and joy, so much anxiety and happiness - she has accomplished so much in her short 3.5 year life, including amazing me each day.  

Being a mother isn't about giving birth, its about loving the children that have been brought into your life.  It's easy being Colleen's mom, she loves me despite my faults, despite my lack of patience; I have every day to show her she is loved, to show her that I am human and even human mommies make mistakes in how we act and raise them.  Its much harder being a step-mom, knowing that the only time you have to offer guidance and show them love is not your time at all.  I am constantly struggling to get an hour of borrowed time.  I want so many things for him but at the end of the day it doesn't seem to  matter because I still have no say and that is harder to handle than any temper tantrum Colleen may throw.  I love my children, regardless of what title I may or may not have, I just wish I had that special time and relationship with both of them.     

                           

      

Colleen is 3!

I knew my life would change the moment I found out I was pregnant.  I knew my sleeping habits would change the moment I gave birth.  What I didn’t know is that I would be woken up almost every morning by a 3 foot curly headed little girl shaking me and yelling “MOMMY!!!  WAKE UP!  I want EGGS!”  Yep; this is how my days begin.  On the off chance I get up first, she makes it known she does not like being woken up by the sounds of my morning routine.  “TURN…THAT…OFF!  You woke me UP!”  Apparently my hair can wait to be dried until her beauty rest is complete.

My sweet little 7 pound 14 ounce baby girl has morphed into a 30 pound independent diva who values doing everything “myself”.  She refuses to ask for help, unless absolutely necessary, and makes sure you know it.  While she has no problem barging in on anyone else when they are in the bathroom she is adamant on her alone time – pushing everyone out of the bathroom “GET OUT!  I will call you if I need you to wipe my butt!”

Over the last year Colleen has become more confident in herself, her artistic abilities, and her ability to help mommy with household chores.  Her speech has obviously improved dramatically, she can sing numerous songs, knows all of her ABC’s and can even point them out as well as spell her name, however most of the time it comes out as “C-O-L-L-E-E-N spells Doodle.” 

She is a Houdini in training and has mastered all child safety locks including the doors, forcing us to install hotel locks up high on the doors so she can no longer get out of the back door, turn on the water hose, and help mommy clean the floor by flooding the living room with that said water hose.  Yep – the moment when you walk out of the bedroom to find your 2 year old with a garden hose in the house with water EVERYWHERE is not a moment you soon forget – nor is it a story that many people can top. 

The last child safety escape was probably the scariest.  I was taking a shower and she was able to get out of the door to the garage, open the garage door, find a PERMANENT marker and had enough time to color around the entirety of my car.  While I was very upset that I had permanent marker on my car with no clue how to get it off, I was more concerned that she was outside, by herself, and could have been seriously hurt had she ran out into the road.  I was then very grateful the marker and car distracted her and kept her closer to the house.  Not a proud mommy moment there. 

We have decided that she is indeed part monkey and after I found her hanging upside down from the iron canopy that hung over my four post bed – well…it is no longer there but that does not keep her from climbing on the top of my head board and jumping off onto the bed.  I’m amazed and SCARRED at what this little girl comes up with. 

Few things she loves to do:

1.       Watch “Super Why”

2.       Feed the animals

3.       Build “Towers”

4.       Jump

5.       Run Around

6.       Play

7.       Color (on herself) and paper

8.       Read books

9.       Ride bikes

1.       Take baths

11. Paint her nails (by herself)

What will this NEXT year bring?  I'm afraid to find out...