The Game of Life

Really bad days come every so often, and on those days you want to do nothing but curl up in a ball and cry for hours. Then comes the day after the bad day and on that day you collect up the pieces from the day before and ever so slowly begin to glue them back together...

Today is the day after the bad day and I am filled with hope despite the fact that I only have half a tooth (one of my very expensive crowns may I add) but everything happens for a reason right.  Just have to figure out what the reasons for this is...perhaps it is reaffirming the need to build up the savings account. 

This morning I also attended a Parent Summit at the church where they discussed how to, and the dangers of, raising a child.  While I already knew the principles of most of what was talked about I did learned a few ways of making discipline not such a hassle.  Although many of the things discussed, such as monitoring kids with technology (which I have FULL intentions of doing) do not pertain to me yet due to Colleen's age.  One thing I am going to really try to do is treat discipline more as the game of life - "uh oh...you did it again...time to start back at go".  Perhaps if I keep this in mind then I can discipline in a loving way and not in an angry way.  One thing that was stressed was to make sure your child knows they have a choice and they are responsible for their actions. 

I know I really want to be the type of parent that does not live one way and teach my children to do another.  I will model the behavior I want them to follow because I know this is the best teaching tool.  To do this I know I need to learn a few things such as controlling my temper better. 

I know being a parent is hard, stressful, and testing but most of all it is SO rewarding and I want it to be just as rewarding for the kids.  

It takes a village...

Children are running around hitting, screaming, telling parents what to do, and being all out disobedient. Why? Is it because parents don’t have the help they need? Is it because the schools can no longer do anything about it? Is it because spankings are a thing of the past for the majority of the population? I think it is a combination of all the above. One thing I have learned is that no child is the same – therefore not one type of discipline fits every child but one thing is for certain – when disciplining a child, consistency is key.

I was raised getting spankings – not that I was a bad child but I did have my share. Now that I am an adult, while I am not against spankings, I have learned it is not the only effective tool to disciplining children. I have a step-son, who is going to be 8 on Friday, and while I had to adjust to my role as supporter I proved my own theory that children also adjust to certain people and situations. While I thought giving spankings was the only way to make a child behave it was not my place to be the one to dish out that type of punishment, I have never laid a hand on him, but he listens to me and when he is with me he behaves. I credit this to my consistency with him – when I say no – I mean it and when he does something he is told not to do I take action – whether it be sitting down for a time out or taking something away – whichever the situation called for. Since spanking was not an option for me to do I had to adjust. Now if a situation warrants a spanking and I am by myself, I deal with whatever it is until his father gets home and allow him to take over from there.

Something my husband has shoved into my head is “its different when it is your own kid” and while I brushed it off I am beginning to see the truth in that statement. This is why I think me not being Mark’s biological parent has been a blessing in disguise because I can see things that his father can’t and hopefully he will grow up to be a better person because of it. This is also where I think society has gone wrong – because it is different when it comes to your own kids, when punishment left the school system so did the outside support to keep children in line.

How many times have you seen a child not listening to their parents? A LOT! But what do we do? Nothing - we think to ourselves “that parent needs to get a handle on that child” instead of helping them. Parenting is exhausting at times and it’s a 24/7 job – sometimes parents just want the child to shut up so they give into them, creating a bigger problem then what was going on at the moment. I wonder how many parents would be offended if a stranger backed them up by saying “your mother/father said no, you need to listen to them” – and if they are offended – why? I can understand if a stranger came up and started correcting an action without giving the parent time to react (unless it is a very dangerous situation) – but to be supportive after the order is given is something different. We as a society need to step up and help raise the youth. Single parents I believe have an even harder time – I for one would hate to have every decision lying on my shoulders and unfortunately a lot of people are in this position.

This entire blog can be summed up in one saying – “it takes a village to raise a child” but can we become that village again? Nobody wants to feel like they can’t raise their children to be respectable adults on their own but if you think back to the past – kids were never raised by just their parents. People were not afraid to speak up when a child misbehaved, teachers took matters into their own hands, and children were respectful in fear of getting that spanking they deserved if they weren’t. Most children in today’s society fear nothing…

See also my blog about Raising Kids

Raising Kids

Raising kids is something I always thought I would know what to do. I have the same ideas as my daddy does when it comes to raising kids. I don’t think that parents should allow their kids to dictate how they are going to do things – that’s the parents job. I’m a firm believer in “no means no” and that parents should never back down after the initial “no” has been said. I know kids will try hard to con a “yes” out of a “no” but it is up to the parents to stand their ground. My dad once said that when we were kids he said “no” to some things that he could have said “yes” to but there was no turning back. This is something I myself have had to work on with my step-son and have had to teach myself to think of what he is really asking to do before I immediately say “no” because once I said it, there was no turning back.

There are so many parents that worry too much about pacifying their kids and not raising them and people wonder why we have so many out of control teenagers. You don’t have to be buddies with your kid, they don’t have to like you and I think that is another thing going wrong with kids today. Parents don’t want to punish their kids because they won’t like them anymore – I’m sorry but being a parent is not about being liked, it’s about teaching your kids what is right and wrong and guiding them in the right path so they will grow up into respectable adults. Eventually the kids will grow out of wanting a dozen earrings and purple hair if you don’t allow them to get it when they do want it. My father only allowed us to get our ears pierced ONCE – he said when we moved out of his house there was nothing he could do about it but by then I wasn’t interested in having two or three holes in my ears. He also only allowed us to wear one ring on each hand – which I still do to this day, mostly because I have little hands and can’t stand the feel of rings hitting each other. Because of the limitations he put on us I don’t walk out of the house dressed like a wanna be hooker and with that more people respect me.

When I was growing up we didn’t have a TV in the car that I can watch on the 10 minute car ride to the store or a cell phone at the age of 7 – I didn’t get to wear makeup until I was 14 (Tara was 16 so I got to do things when she did) and I turned out just fine. In today’s world there is a lot more technology than when I was younger, which is harder to keep watch over what the kids are doing all the time but I think if parents are allowing their kids access to computers and cell phones that they need to be responsible about it and make sure they know what their kids are doing with them. With so many pedophiles online there is no need for any young girl under the age of 18 to have suggestive pictures of themselves on their websites. You see all these articles and stories about “sexting” and these kids getting into trouble for it…where are their parents??? I’m sorry but my kids will not be sending naked pictures of themselves to other kids via ANYTHING. If these kids are doing this why are the parents not taking their phones away or calling the cell phone companies and having the texting capabilities removed from their phones? We all grew up without the ability of texting and we were fine – so if you are not going to watch your kids don’t give them extra tools to expose themselves.

I know there are pressures – especially for the young girls when it comes to keeping up with everyone else and especially when boys come into the picture – but I believe that if they are being monitored enough and talked to, we can keep them out of most of the trouble they get into. I don’t know if there is a way of preventing everything because even having a father as strict as mine was I still did things I’m not proud of when it came to boys. My father once told me that I didn’t have to give everything to the first boy that showed interest in me – which is very true (although I did end up marrying my first boyfriend). These young girls need to know that it’s not “cool” to get pregnant up at such young ages – now I know that things happen so I’m not downing anyone who had kids early in life but what I am saying is that there needs to be more done in preventing it. Sex education in school is nothing but a joke – I can’t remember anything significant that I learned in the 2 hour class I sat in back in 5th grade. It’s really up to the parents to teach their kids about the dangers of sex but most of them don’t. I never had the “sex talk” with my parents but I guess I was lucky that I was one of the quiet, shy kids that the boys were not interested in.

Mark says he feels bad for our kids cause I’m a drill sergeant – I’d rather be tough than not tough enough and my kids get hurt in the end. I’d rather my kids respect me than me be their best friend. I firmly believe that friendship with your kids is secondary to their wellbeing and that is how I’m going to raise my kids. With lil Mark I let Mark do the raising because it is his kid but that does not mean I don’t put my two cents in because his actions will one day affect our daughter’s life. Lil Mark knows that when I say something I mean it because I have never backed down or changed my decision.

Now that I do have a child of my own I’m sure my point of view will change on some things, like not laying down with her so she will go to sleep. I’m sure it will be harder for me to see the things my daughter will do because she is mine, but I feel that because I am so conscience of raising her right that I will over think my decisions and eventually with the help of Mark, come up with the most acceptable answers. He and I together make a good team…his easygoingness and my “drill sergeant” attitude will balance each other out.