Words

Words...

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me"...I grew up saying that over and over again.  As a child you are told to ignore mean and hateful words and as an adult you realize that words are what hurts the most.

For the last few weeks the church I attend has been doing a series entitled "Love Handles" which has prompted many deep thoughts (as I'm sure was the intention of the series) but even if you're not a "Bible Person", as Andy Stanley would say, the series would benefit everyone.   This past Sunday's message discussed relationship challenges - more specifically how we speak to others.  This sermon came at the perfect timing for my life considering my 8th wedding anniversary is right around the corner and my thoughts were already centered around my relationship with my husband and how to make it better.  There was one verse that was discussed that really hit me hard.

"Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen."
Ephesians 4:29

My immediate thought on this was in regards to political discussions/rants/etc.  This is likely due to the recent articles that have flooded my Facebook news feed during the past few days regarding Kathy Griffin's photo stunt, Trumps stance on supporting some global warming thing, and even local court cases that have been settled.  I tend to stay out of politics because I know I do not have the time to devote to actually reading and researching the actual topics and with so much fake news out there I don't know what to believe.  So instead what I see is my friends and family sharing news stories with their take on the topic at large along with slanderous comments towards the person in which the article was about or the other political party.  If the post itself wasn't bad enough then you have the numerous comments under the post.  I understand people have different political views but there is a way to express those and not tear down the person who opposes your views.  Even when one is not calling out one particular person with their comments but rather lumps a whole group of people in their rant - it still hurts others.  I may not be the most politically correct person in the world and I know for a fact that sometimes (more often than I want to really admit) the words that I say are not conducive to bringing others up but at the same time I honestly believe that I don't intentionally go out intending on hurting others either.  That's not to say I've not done so in the past...that can be seen by my Timehop app that shows me my Facebook posts from the beginning of time and I'll be honest and admit that I am ashamed of some of the things I have said and done on social media. This is how I know I have matured as a person - feeing shame for the things I have said or done - otherwise I still would be doing those things.  As some read this I can guarantee there are some posts immediately coming to mind that you wish you took a different approach to your post/comments as well.

My second thought to this Bible passage was how I talk to my family; especially my daughter.  I'm a yeller...I never wanted to be but somehow it happened. I will ask her to do something once, maybe twice and then the yelling begins.  I hate this about myself.  Colleen will even remind me of this every time she yells at me not to yell at her - but at that moment when it is thrown back in my face I'm already at my boiling point that I pass off the blame to a six year old - "well if you would listen the first time I wouldn't have to yell!"  And then proceed to chastise her for yelling at me even though she just learned it was ok to yell by my own actions.  What warped logic is that?  Nobody makes me do anything - I am in control of my actions and me alone, just as everyone else is responsible for their own actions. It's not only my daughter I do this to - my husband also gets the brunt end of my temper and somehow I rationalize that by raising my voice that he will finally hear what I am saying but logically I know that is the exact moment he shuts me out completely.  I can probably count on one hand the number of times my husband has lost his cool with me and resorted to yelling during our 9 year relationship but I don't think there are enough fingers and toes in my house that can track the amount of times I've lost my cool in the past year alone.  Again, I am ashamed of my actions.

It is so much easier to find the faults of others than it is to find your own, myself included.  This post originally started off as something completely different than it ended up being.  Sometimes I have to write things down in order to see truths about myself and I hope in sharing my truths it will help others find theirs as well.  Unfortunately/fortunately we cannot change the past but we can realize our present and adjust to make a better future. Will I ever say something that will bring someone down or yell again in frustration and anger?   Absolutely - but I hope that in shining light on things I need to change that I will become more aware of them and prevent them from reoccurring in the future.

I will protect who I want to be...

I’ve been searching and searching for a blog with the same ideas as I have for myself and my family.  I kept thinking “I can’t be the only one to think this way” but after empty searches I have given up on finding a “how to be me” blog and decided I needed to make my own.  First I have to figure out how to be me comfortably…

How I protect who I want to be…

I am determined to have a great relationship with my husband – granted some of my methods might be a little backwards but for the most part I feel my determination will eventually prevail.  Part of my dedication to my husband is my commitment to him to remain faithful.  I have made comments in the past about me not having or wanting male friends because I don’t want there to ever be the opportunity of an affair occurring.  The comments I got from this were for the most part unsupportive.  This is something I chose for myself and not for anyone else.  I was basically told that because I chose not to have male friends that I was not trusting and did not truly love my husband cause if I did I would have nothing to worry about.  I beg to differ – it is because I truly love my husband that I keep myself away from potentially dangerous situations.  Why would I need a friend (not acquaintance) of the opposite sex at this point in my life?  If I need a guy’s opinion – I ask my husband; if I want to do “guy” things- I do them with my husband.  I am almost certain that of those who had affairs, the affair started off as some type of innocent friendship. 

Along the same aspect of friendship – I have began to weed out “friendships” (more like acquaintances) and cutting off connections with those who have completely different viewpoints of what they want out of life.  Just a few examples of this would be…

People actively seeking or involved in extramarital relationships – I have no respect for those cheating on their spouse.  While I understand that people have made mistakes in their past and I don’t hold that against them, but they can control the present and prevent the future. 

I do not want to be around or even talk about drugs.  I have never tried them nor will I ever try them.  Honestly, even the discussion of someone else doing drugs makes me uncomfortable.  I have nothing to prove to those who say I am missing out or that there is nothing wrong with it.  That’s fine – you do what you want to do but keep it away from me and my family. 

I do not need to drink and party every night – I have a little girl at home who needs me more then I need to have fun time.  Perhaps when she is MUCH older I will go out more but there is enough that I miss while I am at work – I don’t want to miss out on more.

I will be a positive influence in my children’s lives.  I will not let TV or video games raise my kids.  I will know and approve what they watch, I will know their friends, I will take them to church, and I will tell them NO. 

I will be who I will be and not allow anyone to try to make me more “relaxed” because I feel when I drop the values I hold close to my heart, it’s not only me that I will fail, but my family too.  I feel in today’s society I have to be even more particular because there are so many negative influences, most of which go unnoticed by so many.  I have allowed people to influence my decisions in the past to do things I regret and it may happen again in the future – but it is going to be a fight getting to that point. 

Choosing to be Positive

The more I try to make my life better the more I notice how much the outside world influences me.  I am very thankful that I am becoming more aware of what is going on around me and am able to pinpoint things that I do not like and do not want in my life.  Although I consider myself a rational person, irrational thoughts do tend to run through my head constantly; most of it involves my family life. 

I have the tendency to go into crisis mode if my husband and I ever argue and want to immediately make up some rules or some other type of structure to keep the argument from happening again because I fear in 20 years our marriage will be in shambles if we don’t do something RIGHT NOW.   A few weeks ago I went into meltdown mode at one of our small group meetings because we were discussing marriage.  One of the couples in our group has been married for 25+ years and they said they never fight and are very loving toward one another.  Immediately I knew I wanted that but had no clue how to get that kind of marriage – hence meltdown mode.  I’m not use to couples actually liking each other after they had been married for so long.  I’m use to “he’s so stupid!” or “I’m here because I’m tolerant” and that scares the crap out of me because I don’t want that for myself. 

I remember getting so frustrated with my husband for not understanding my urgency to make our marriage as good as we could possibly get it but then I asked him “didn’t your parents ever fight?”  He looked at me and said that he honestly doesn’t remember them fighting.  I knew then that this was my fight; it is almost like he is oblivious to how bad marriage could actually be.  My fear is not something I can blame on others – I am an adult now and I need to retrain myself to look at the good and not focus so much on the bad. 

I’ve been fighting this fight of focusing on the good for a few weeks already and have already noticed a few simple changes in my own behavior.  Checking back on my Facebook my negative comments have been very controlled.  I notice while reading other’s comments I get a sick feeling when I come across one that I know is not a positive influence on me and I reevaluate my relationship with the person posting the status.  If I find this person is constantly negative I hide their posts, otherwise I chalk it up to having a bad day.   This is one of my boundaries I have set up for myself.  I’m not going to continue to allow other people to drag me down with their destructive behavior. 

My boundaries are a topic of their own, one of which I will address shortly.  I need to write them down and share them so that way others will know and hopefully respect my boundaries if there is ever a time where they could possibly be crossed.

Had a bad day...

When do the words “Shut up” start to mean anything?  Well, I’ll tell you it’s not at 18 months old…

Today started off somewhat crazy, both Colleen and I slept in.  She normally is up by 7:15 but today I had to wake her up at 8 to get her ready to go to Grammy’s house.  I didn’t have time to fix her breakfast or dry my hair and when my hair looks like crap it’s just a recipe for disaster for the rest of the day. 

While dropping Colleen off I remembered I was out of sugar at work for my coffee, so I filled a to-go cup at Mother’s and took it with me.  Half way to work I figured it was cool enough to drink it so I took a sip only to find out that the lid for the coffee cup was the wrong one and it spilled all over my lap – HOT!!!

Work was at least less of a headache – trying to get as much done as I can before I take off the rest of the week.  Due to Mark’s schedule change, he is working every day this week so rather then have to pay over $100 for childcare, I decided to use some vacation time and take off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and use that time to get the house in order, perhaps do something fun with the kids (since Mark is out of school for the summer) and just relax. 

5:00 rolls around and mom dropped Colleen off to me at work and we headed to Kroger to get some food – which having to take the detour around town to get to the store should have put me off a few days, but due to my lack of planning there was nothing pulled out for dinner.  We get to the store and I saw one of the car grocery carts – you know the ones with the big buggy car on the front end of it to let the kids play while you shop, so rather than risk a repeat of the last grocery trip (of Colleen fussing the whole time because she wanted to get out of the cart and play) I got the car cart.  It was the last one and it was just my luck that it was the one without the seatbelt.  I took it anyway, hoping that Colleen would be a good girl since she LOVES her cars at the house.

By the time we got to Aisle 1, she was over the car and every time we stopped she would try to escape.  I found myself rushing to put the items in the cart so that we wouldn’t come to a full stop and allow her to get out.  Welllllll…that lasted about 5 minutes before she started to JUMP out of the moving car so she could run around the store despite the number of “stay in the car” commands.  When she almost took out the row of glass pickle jars I had enough and put her in the top buggy seat and belted her in.  I should have just cut the shopping trip short and left then but I was so frustrated at not finishing the shopping the last time that I was determined to get it all done. 

You know the kid in the store that is crying and screaming and you think to yourself “Why won’t that mother DO SOMETHING” – yep that was Colleen.  I didn’t know what to do.  I tried ignoring it, I tried reasoning with her, tried to tell her that if she would be good I’d get her some ice cream – nope, nothing worked.  Finally I gave up – I was so embarrassed – I knew what everyone in the store was thinking, cause I had thought it when it wasn’t my kid.  The whole time at checkout I was cursing Kroger for not having the stupid seat belt on the car cart.  To top off my shopping trip I ended up having to do two transactions because the cashier didn’t ring up my toilet paper.  He even asked if I still wanted it – yeah…that was one of the important items buddy…

Pushing the cart of half the groceries I intended to get back to the car I remembered I had failed to get the beach toys out of the trunk so I had virtually no space for the groceries – WONDERFUL!  I managed to get them all in the car, started the car, rolled the window down (so I wouldn’t accidently lock Colleen in the car again) and pushed the POS cart back where it belonged. 

Dinner – I REALLY wanted fried cube steak (which I never fry anything in the house).  I naively thought Colleen would let me cook dinner in peace – WRONG AGAIN.  Frying and holding toddler at the same time = bad idea, so I kept taking her back to her room and closing the door in hopes that  she would stay – nope.  At this point my nerves were shot, my patients lost, and my head pounding.  FINALLY Mark made it home and he took her outside in her new wagon – PEACE AND QUIET.  I managed to screw up the gravy and had to start over again – not so peaceful.

Dinner is served and Colleen not only dumps her plate, tries to stab the table with her fork but also tries to open her water and dump it out.  Then the screaming starts.  I couldn’t handle it anymore.  “SHUT UP!!!”  She looked at me like I was crazy mommy and continued with her behavior and I was done.  My mind went into hyper drive – She won’t listen to me, she won’t do what she is told, she wants to do nothing but run wild - what have I done wrong???  I can’t handle it anymore and start on Mark for him to DO SOMETHING with her – go give her a bath – SOMETHING, of which he does. 

Now I sit here thinking about everything that is wrong – everything that I need to do – everything that I need to make a decision on and everything that I have said to Colleen today and I feel HORRIBLE.  When did I become bitchy, angry, crazy mommy?  When did the sweet little girl who wanted nothing to do with ANYONE but her mommy become the wild daddy-loving girl she is now? 

I’m hoping that today was just a bad day – for both of us. 

This song made me feel so much better - BAD DAY

Bullies

Is it natural to pick on others or is it something that is taught? I wish I knew what goes through a bully’s head just as I know what it is like for the bullied. I know what it is like to walk with my eyes on the floor, hoping nobody would notice me so they wouldn’t have any reason to tease me that day. I know what it is like to think that nobody likes me – I know how small and unimportant one feels when this is happening. I am thankful that I know how this feels because it has opened my eyes to think outside of what is in front of me. I’m thankful that I can use my experiences to look deeper into a situation and not rush to judgment – but how do you use that to help others?

Are bullies just spoiled kids craving attention? Do their parents go through the motions of providing a roof but no guidance? I wish I knew – I wish I knew so I could help them. Are these kids written off as incapable of being helped – a worthless cause? I surely hope not – I hope that someone will step up and show them the right way to treat others. I wish people would get the idea that “kids will be kids” out of their heads and wake up – you can’t just write everything off as kids being kids – you have to teach them right from wrong – you have to teach by example – you have to take responsibility for their actions and do something about it.

I don’t know a single rational parent who doesn’t want their children to succeed so I don’t understand how there are so many bullies today. Is it that nobody has told them that their little angel that they tuck in every night and give butterfly kisses to is lying to them or are they the parents that do not utter a single nice word to their child and don’t take the time to see the preciousness in them? I don’t understand how a parent can allow their children to bring harm to others just as I don’t understand how adults can do the same thing to their peers.

Parents – you need to look at what you are teaching your kids. Are you teaching them to be kind to others or hate others? Are you teaching them how to handle situations gracefully or ruthlessly? Sure – we are not perfect – we are not always going to do things the right way – but which way is the norm and are you happy with that? If not – it’s time to change and break the cycle.

Who I want to be…

I’ve been thinking A LOT about who I am and who I WANT to be. I don’t consider myself a bad person by any means and I don’t think I am a horrible mom, wife, or friend but there is definitely room for improvement. At times I am selfish, bitter, hateful, and inconsiderate and at those times I hate who I am. I don’t want to be that kind of person.

I want to be a mother that my kids will be happy to have…

Patient
Kind
Fun
Honest
Loving
Responsible
Attentive
Easy going
Selfless

I feel like I fall short of these qualities at times – I get tired or stressed and I take it out on my kids. I want my kids to respect me, listen to me, come to me when there is a problem but how do I promote this if I lose my temper or don’t have the time to spend with them? I want to raise my kids to be well rounded, respectable adults. I want them to be kind and accepting of others but I have to change myself to model how they are to grow up. I have to watch my temper, I have to watch my words, I have to watch my actions otherwise it does not matter what I preach because they will follow in my footsteps.

I want to be a wife that my husband can be proud of…

Respectful
Trustworthy
Outgoing
Pleasant
Passionate
Sexy

I don’t want to be the nagging wife that my husband will never want to be around. I don’t want to be hateful, I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to bring him down…I want to be a woman he can’t wait to come home and see, that he will never get tired of, that he will never leave.

I want to be a person that anyone would be honored to call a friend…

Dependable
Caring
Interesting
Supportive
Accepting
Giving
Positive

I want to be a friend who one can confide anything to, who can be trusted, and who is there when I’m needed and even when I’m not. I want to be the kind of person who brings you soup when you are sick, who won’t think twice about helping out. I want to be the kind of person who is good at giving advice and lifting up your spirit when things are going wrong. I want to be the best I can possibly be...

Please help me become a better person. If I’m falling short, pick me back up and set me on the right path and call me out on it. Becoming the best person I can possibly be takes work and I’m going to give it all I have but sometimes I might not be strong enough to realize what I am doing wrong.

Changing my ways and putting my Husband first...

This past week has been one big rollercoaster; I’ve felt so out of control with everything that has gone on and I’ve been desperately grasping at anything that would give me some feeling of control again. I’m a planner – I have to have a plan in place to function happily and if I feel like there is something unknown I have to do something to try to fix it. A recent discovery regarding my sister and her religious beliefs, or lack thereof, has put my planning gene in hyper drive. I don’t want to wake up in 20+ years and realize that I didn’t do everything I could to ensure my kids grew up the way I wanted them to.

I’ve done a lot of reading this week regarding family, religion, kids, money, etc. and found several things I need to change in my life so my plans for the future will be easier to obtain. After realizing what we needed to do now I had written my husband an email with the some issues I wanted to find solutions for and we could work on them together and get on the same page. When I got home that night I tried to squeeze out of him some answers with no avail. With disgust I went to bed and the next morning someone told me that sometimes we need to just do things ourselves. With this in mind I have been able to see some of my own faults.

The first thing I need to change is putting my husband first. While I always thought I put my husband’s needs first, I did learn a lot of bad habits from my mother regarding how to treat my spouse. I tend to nag and get upset when things are not done when and how I want them done. I’ve rationalized that if my husband really cared he would do it because I want it done. What I failed to realize was while he may not do the task right then I cause more damage to our relationship by complaining about it. I’ve realized there is also a LARGE difference between how men and women think which has in the past been the cause of a lot of upset feelings on my part.

I remember one night a few months ago I was so upset with Mark over something, which I don’t remember what it was now, but I got him mad enough that he actually raised his voice (very rare for him – very common for me). Colleen was in the room and when the argument got loud she began to cry and I felt HORRIBLE – how could I upset her over something that she had no fault in? Growing up I watched my parents fight A LOT and rarely ever saw them nice to each other. I remember being upset because they fought so much and I don’t want my children to ever feel that way. This is one of my big faults, I need to work on keeping my cool in the heat of the moment and if I am still upset about it later I can discuss it with Mark behind closed doors. I don’t want to teach my children how to be mean and hateful, especially to the ones they love.

I tend to have a shared responsibility mentality, again - the difference between men and women, in which I feel like if I am doing everything that it’s not fair and get upset about it. It doesn’t matter that I am more upset that the house is a mess (since I quit doing it since nobody else is) because I live in that moment of anger that nobody is helping. This again is something I need to work on with myself. I cause more damage to myself and my relationship with my husband by not just getting things done myself – I might not enjoy doing the work on my own but it will be short lived rather than dragged out over days because it is sitting there staring me in the face every day.

Recently I have been putting a lot of thought into religion and church and how I want our family to grow spiritually. Not growing up in church has put a lot of questions and uncertainty in this process but I am trying to figure it all out so that my kids won’t feel this way when they get older. This too is something I have been bitter about that I need to train myself to think differently about. Mark, growing up in church, knows what is going on regarding religion whereas I am a lost little puppy. He has no problem helping me with this but there has been a lack of communication and guidance as to how we make this happen so in my eyes, he had put it on the back burner but in his he has been waiting for me (again the difference between men and women). I have now decided that if I want to learn, I need to do it myself. I cannot depend on anyone else to do it for me. We can still grow as a family and do things together but I need to do some extra studying and learning on my own before I can fully be in a position to teach my children the same. With this decision I can also let go of the irritation I had with my husband for not taking charge.

There are so many things that go on in life that I can continue to write for days but the truth of the matter is that when I step back and look at what my expectations are and how I go about having those expectations met, I have a lot of flaws in my methods. After giving up on the thought that Mark was going to help me with my planning and began to do it on my own, Mark had a change of heart and actually began participating in my planning. I was ecstatic (although some of his ideas were not exactly what I was thinking when I began making my list but nonetheless I wrote them down for him). This morning I noticed he hung up Lil Mark’s chore/behavior chart in his room (I had asked him to do this the other night but he said he would do it later so he wouldn’t wake the kids) but I had wanted it in the hallway. My first reaction was “grrr!” so I called Mark to inform him I wanted it in the hall but I tried a different method than I normally would have done. First I thanked him for hanging up the chart then I told him I wanted it in the hall. Normally I would have been hot headed and complained to him about why did he put it in the room and he would have been upset that here he did hang it up but I was still not happy. Rather than anyone being upset he simply said that we could move it – not a problem. The more I thought about it the more it actually made sense to have it in the child’s room and this would also give me the chance to get in there and move out some unnecessary junk. I later told him this and felt so much better about myself and our relationship because I wasn’t angry and didn’t let my knee jerk reaction go too far.

As I was getting ready for work this morning I had another “ahh ha” moment. On Wednesday Mark had gotten into some trouble at school – apparently he found a little girl’s ice cream ticket and erased her name and claimed it as his own. This was one of those times that you sit back and try to grasp why the child would do this when he knew it was wrong. Mark handled it very well and was very fair and hard on Lil Mark regarding the issue and I was very impressed. It was definitely one of those life lesson situations. Anyway, while I was getting ready this morning I was thinking about this and how I know I would not have known what to do had Colleen done the same thing. I realized Mark is very good with the large issues and punishments and not so good with the smaller issues but that was ok because I was good with catching and dealing with the smaller issues and not so sure how to handle the larger ones – we are a good match. Of course when I made this discovery I called Mark to tell him that we were a good match and I could hear the smile in his voice and could almost see his eyes roll as he said “you just figured this out?”