I love her...

I love my daughter.

While most will read that statement and think there was no doubt about it but for me it’s a statement of relief.  While yes, I have always loved my daughter and always will, the day to day struggles and battles made me literally want to run away and cry.  Screaming fits and all out power battles were the norm between us.  She is an extremely strong willed child who loves to do nothing more than to push my buttons.  Every outing was work; every grocery trip was a battle; every night was a nightmare.  

I knew there was a problem - I mean what mother doesn’t like her kid?  Those kind of relationships were reserved for the crappy unfit moms right???  We were spiraling out of control and in this process I was not only taking it out on her but everyone else in the family. Every time I expressed my frustrations or asked for help I’d get the same responses “you’re being to hard on yourself” or “you are a good mom” when behind the door I’m a monster yelling and screaming things that I’m sure she will be talking to her therapist about in ten to twenty years.  How does that make me a good mom?  I honestly don’t think people understood how bad it actually was. The only thing I wasn’t doing was physically harming her and that was because I knew I was so frustrated that I could not objectively spank her without it becoming abusive.  Perhaps that’s what made me a good mom - knowing where that line was...

I went searching for any and all answers I could get.  I went to the pediatrician to make sure there wasn’t anything physically wrong with her - unfortunately/fortunately she was fit as a fiddle.  I hoped if she had an ear infection at least there was a cause for this behavior; nope.  I considered perhaps I could find a catholic priest to perform an exorcism, I mean what could it hurt (other than again more therapy bills for her as an adult).  Finally we got in to see a behavior therapist who diagnosed her with ADHD.  

After day one of “ok - this is what we are dealing with” my whole outlook changed. I poured myself into how to deal with ADHD kids and ways to work around their impulse control issues.  I started encouraging active listening and rewards instead of negative reinforcement and attention that I was previously giving her.  

I went to my own doctor for a anxiety/depression screening as well, conforming what I had thought - I was mildly depressed, most likely stress induced.  It was decided that it would be best to begin medication to allow myself time to breath and a fresh start.  That has been the best decision I could have made.  

I have a new outlook on parenting, marriage, life.  I don’t feel like all hope has been lost and I no longer feel so angry that I am lashing out on everything and everyone.  I still remember the night I stayed up for hours making Colleen a “Super Colleen” cape to wear for super hero day at school thinking she was going to LOVE IT!  I was so excited to see her reaction the next morning that I cried that night - I cried because I was excited to do something for her...something I hadn’t felt in SO long.  I cried because for the first time in what may have been years I felt like THIS is what people mean when they say enjoy being a parent.  

Since that night I have found myself enjoying her more and more; that’s not to say there are still not bad days, but they are becoming less and less.  I can honestly without a doubt say that not only do I love my daughter but I like her (most days) too.  

Thankful for Second Chances

This morning started off just like any other morning…my alarm went off and I snoozed it, several times, before attempting to wake Colleen up to catch the bus.

“Mama, I don't want to ride the bus today, I want to sleep some more.”  So I let her…I wasn't to keen on rushing around to get her to the bus stop on time either and it's not inconvenient to drop her off at school on my way to work, after all, it's just right across the street.  Then my phone rings with my daily wake up call from my husband who, as a police officer, had already been working for a few hours. Today his call home was running about half an hour behind his normal schedule.

“Sorry, you’ve already missed the bus if you're not already up, I was tied up with an accident and everyone else is tied up on the other end of the county with a fatality accident involving a school bus.”  Upon those words my heart dropped and I silently prayed all of the children were spared. 

Fast forward an hour and the news hit that it WAS a child that has passed and a picture of the bus was also released showing the damage to the front portion of the bus.  Since Colleen rides the bus I know bus drivers typically place the younger students in the front and suddenly the bus wasn't another school’s bus in the next county over, but rather Colleen’s bus and my world was shaken.  You hear about these types of accidents occurring where students lives are taken but you never think it will happen in your area, so close to home, so the feelings of “it could have been my child” doesn't take place, but today it did.  

The damns broke when the news was released that not only was it a student whose life was taken but a sweet 5 year old girl; only a few short years younger then my child, my little girl.  My heart went out to all of the children and their families along with the first responders because situations like these are NEVER easy on them and I knew some of the officers that had responded also had young children.  All I wanted to do was make sure they got a hug because I remember my husband talking about having to shut off emotions when dealing with fatality accidents but how different it was when children were involved, especially when they are so close in age to your own.  

I can't seem to help imagining that this unknown family’s heartbreak was my own, what would I do if it was me getting this news?  What was the last thing I would have said to my daughter as I put her on the school bus?  Would she know that I truly did love her because I couldn't remember when the last time I said those words to her.  What kind of mother can't remember the last time her young child heard the words “I love you” from her lips???  A shitty one! When was the last time I hugged or kissed her?  When was the last time a day went by that I hadn't yelled at her for something?  I DON’T KNOW!!!  And to me that tells me I'm doing a piss poor job as a mother and that reality check sucks!  

I love children, I really do, but for some messed up reason I can't seem to show my own child that.  I volunteer in the church nursery EVERY WEEK and have done so for the past six years but MY child cries to her daddy at night asking why her mommy doesn't love her and I do NOTHING because she had frustrated me to the point of tuning it out.  Who does that?  

As I sit here in tears because not only do I feel like the worst mother in the world but I'm about to post this for the world to see as well, I am grateful.  I am grateful because I have a second chance, a second chance to be the loving mother, the mother whose children will remember the last time they heard “I love you” the mother that kisses and hugs her children every morning before sending them off to school and every afternoon when they get home.  I will be the mother that tucks them in at night with a prayer to keep them safe and allow them a good nights rest.  

It is said that everything happens for a reason…while I'm certain the reason for this tragedy is much bigger then MY second chance to be the mother my child deserves I will not waste it.  I will be praying for all of those affected by this accident, especially for the family of the little angel, may she Rest In Peace.   

Taking a stroll down memory lane...

January 6, 2011: Our first day back at work and Colleen pooped all over her outfit almost an hour after we got there. I forgot extra socks so I rubber banded the bottom of her pant legs to keep her feet warm. 

January 14, 2011: Discovered Mark is the only person Colleen don’t like in the family – did not cry with Pa-Paw or grandma, only her daddy.

January 24: Let daddy hold you without crying.

January 25: Laughed a little – not enough to qualify as a real giggle.

March 4: Colleen rolled over from her stomach to back for the first time.  She didn’t know why her mommy was so excited but enjoyed it nonetheless.

Last entry – March 24: Stayed home all day with daddy – ate peas…

I had a great idea when Colleen was little to keep up with what was going on in a day planner I made just for this purpose; however it only lasted 3 months and then there was nothing.  Many of her other milestones were recorded on FaceBook with the intent to record them at a later date, however, here it is May 15, 2014 and I have yet to record them.  My memories are for the most part gone, I have forgotten what she has achieved and when she achieved them. 

What brought on memory lane?  I read a blog post today about a woman who is keeping a one line journal of what is going on during her mommy life in a 5 year memory book. (You can read it here) I instantly regretted not keeping up with my “diary” of Colleen’s achievements.  Looking back at what I do have brought back so many memories, like the first time she stayed home with Mark (on March 4^th).  When she was nursing she refused to take a bottle.  I had come home at lunch to feed her and she was supposed to have a bottle before I made it home at 5, however she refused.  I rushed home worrying that my poor baby girl would be starving and when I walked in the door Mark was sitting with her at the table feeding her peas.  He smiled up at me and simply said she was hungry and wouldn’t take the bottle so he fed her peas until I made it home.  I remember thinking I had nothing to worry about – her daddy wasn’t going to let anything happen to her. 

Now that Colleen is 3.5 years old, most of her baby milestones are over, however she still does things that I want to remember, like her singing the monkey/alligator song to me – its so adorable, I will have to get a video of her singing it.  I still want to record those memories so I ordered me one of the 5 year memory diaries.  In the mean time I’m going to go back in time and attempt to record some of those milestones I’d written down on Facebook…who knows what I will discover – I’m eager to find out. 

I am a Mother

This is the moment I became a mother...the moment I said "I do" was also the same moment I took on the responsibility of motherhood, although he wasn't officially mine, I knew in my heart it didn't matter, I would love him as if he were.   

This is the moment I "officially" became a mother.  It took me 9 months to grow this 7 pound 14 ounce little girl and I still have the stretch marks to prove it.  When she was born I felt complete, my baby, my little Colleen, would bring me so much frustration and joy, so much anxiety and happiness - she has accomplished so much in her short 3.5 year life, including amazing me each day.  

Being a mother isn't about giving birth, its about loving the children that have been brought into your life.  It's easy being Colleen's mom, she loves me despite my faults, despite my lack of patience; I have every day to show her she is loved, to show her that I am human and even human mommies make mistakes in how we act and raise them.  Its much harder being a step-mom, knowing that the only time you have to offer guidance and show them love is not your time at all.  I am constantly struggling to get an hour of borrowed time.  I want so many things for him but at the end of the day it doesn't seem to  matter because I still have no say and that is harder to handle than any temper tantrum Colleen may throw.  I love my children, regardless of what title I may or may not have, I just wish I had that special time and relationship with both of them.     

                           

      

Change of tone...

When did my attitude of Colleen change from being proud and excited of every little accomplishment to almost dreading what she will come up with next? 

Last night I was re-reading the posts I wrote on Colleen’s first and second birthdays and was shocked to see how the tone of those posts were so different from the one I had just posted for her 3^rd birthday (which was posted 2 weeks past her birthday).  All of the other posts I had up ON her actual birthday.  Sure, some people will think it’s no big deal but looking back, what was I doing in the past 2.5 weeks that I could not take 30 minutes to write down her accomplishments?  What had my attention?  Most importantly, was it worth it? 

Over the last year and a half, I have missed out on so much of Colleen’s life because of work and school.  For the most part of the last 78 weeks I have missed spending time with her close to 156 nights.  When I decided to go back to school I knew I would be missing out; I knew that she would build a closer relationship with her father than me and I hoped that she wouldn't remember me being gone so much during this time of her life.  Now I wonder how different things would be in our lives had I not been away.  Would she still refuse to go to bed at night or would she have a bedtime routine?  Would she still purposefully dump out cereal on the floor or would she want to help mommy by not making a big huge mess?  Perhaps there was really nothing I could do differently to change the way her little mind works – perhaps it is just the age of terrible twos and trying threes. 

Regardless of how she acts now I need to find a way to relate to her positively; I need to find common ground with her, even if it is switching roles every once in a while like we did this past weekend.  She took the “mommy” role and made me go lie down in my bed and close my eyes while she read me a night night story and rubbed my back. 

She loves to have picnics on the floor with her little plates and cups and REAL food.  The last picnic we had baby oranges of which we had to “Cheers” every slice of orange before I was able to eat it (I admit, I taught her that one).

She loves to color and I’m sure she would really enjoy me coloring a picture with her – maybe that way I could keep her on track of coloring on ONLY the paper and nothing else.  She has this idea that her little desk needs to be colored on to make it pretty…as well as my floor if not careful. 

I have a month off of school until the semester of chaos begins, so I have 30 days to make up for the time I have missed.  I am officially on “Fun Mommy” track and there may or may not be a lot of lists and planning involved but hey, that’s how I work.

Me: Colleen, why did you get upset at church today?

Colleen: Because I Love You Mommy and I missed you 

Colleen is 1

Colleen is 2

Colleen is 3

Colleen is 2!!!

The past year has brought so many new milestones in my little girl's life...

So much has changed in so little time...

Birthday Mornings

She has learned how to use a fork and spoon to eat, drink from a water bottle and even a big girl cup.

She has learned how to talk and people can even understand her...started out one word at a time and now can carry on a small conversation.  She can tell you what she wants to eat (I want oatmeal) and drink (I want apple juice!) tell you where she wants to go play (I go to park and play), and even what she wants to do (I want to play basketball).  

She has learned to ride her little tricycle using the peddles.  This girl is AMAZING on her bike, she can go forward, backwards, turn into circles, maneuver around furniture and even back right up to something and do a 3 point turn without hitting anything. 

She has a great memory, all you have to do is ask her where she hid Mommy's keys, what she did with the fan remote, or where her cup is, etc. and she goes strait to get the item.  They are usually hiding in her bike trunk or the play kitchen oven.

She knows how to play cook...most adorable thing ever is her asking if I want eggs and watch her go to her play kitchen with the spatula and "make Mommy eggs". 

She knows sounds and recognizes every type of vehicle...the look on her face when she hears an airplane (ayrplane) or helicopter (helekopter)...her eyes get even brighter when she hears a choo choo train and she explodes excitement when she sees or hears a motorcycle (motorkykle).  (If you cant tell by now, she spends ALOT of time with her daddy).

She is a big helper...when her daddy comes home from work she has to help him take off and lock away his gun belt and take off his shoes and socks and tickles his feet (of which her mommy has taught her that they are "stinky feet").   She doesn't stop there...she also helps to put the boots away.  Her favorite helping activity is cutting the grass.  I am sure the neighbors love the fact that she loves to ride with her daddy on the lawn mower for hours...they eventually run out of grass to cut and have to put it away. 

She knows her way around a playground too.  She loves to "whee" ( aka swing) and go really high and go down the slide, sometimes even goes up the slide. 

She says the "God is Great" prayer, can count to 5, sing her ABCs (minus a few letters), twinkle twinkle little star, Jesus loves me, the itsey bitsey spider, and dance to I'm a little teapot.  She knows several of her colors (although if you ask her what color something is...the answer will always be PINK).  She loves to play "the bird" which is my IPad, don't ask me how it got named "the bird" and has even taught me cool tricks on it. 

She LOVES to color and write her name, both Doodle and Colleen and can almost spell her name (she has the C O E E N). 

She is very demanding, when she sits on the floor you have to "sit on floor too!"  She has to do everything on her own "I do it!"

She is good at saving money, every time she finds a coin she has to put it in her piggy bank or in her pocket if we are not home.  Her Grammy has taught her that the small plastic card is "money" and now anything about that size is money too (business cards, ID cards, etc.)

I am SO lucky to be the mommy of this precious little girl!  Mommy loves you Honey, Happy Birthday!!!

Mommy's favorite Colleen sayings/doings...

"I wuv you Mommy!"

"(Insert name here) C'MON!"

Making fishy face

Giving hugs and kisses

"Wub my bak" (rub my back)

"May-I-get-down-please"

"Read book and rock"

"Papow!"

Rubbing Bella's belly

"No touch hinney"

"I pass gas"

"Kitty!  Off Da Table!!"

Least favorite Colleen sayings/doings...

"Mommy, I poopo"

"Bye bye Mommy"

The emotions of motherhood

When my daughter was born, I was relieved, relieved that the labor was over, relieved that she was no longer blue and was healthy, and relieved that I didn’t have one of those babies that people say they are the cutest ever and walk away mumbling about how ugly they were – she was perfect in every way.



When my daughter was two days old, I was naive; naive that she was so yellow, naive that her bilirubin levels were at 18 and just how dangerous that was, naïve about how to handle getting a baby to the hospital for treatment. I didn’t know what questions to ask, I didn’t know what the doctors were talking about, I didn’t know anything but I trusted the doctors and I was able to bring my little girl back home after only a few days.



When my daughter was two months old, I was scared; scared of what I might have exposed her to that made her so sick, scared that the ER wouldn’t be able to find out what was wrong, scared when they sent me home with a Tylenol remedy only to wake up the next morning with bloody stool in her diaper. I was scared after the nurse over the phone called me back changing the plans to take her back to the ER instead of the doctor’s office. I was scared when they admitted her into the children’s hospital and took her from me to run tests. I was scared when she cried all night long and there was nothing I could do for her – not even feed her since she wasn’t allowed to eat. I was scared she would start bleeding again once I was allowed to resume feeding her but fortunately she did not and we were released a few days later with the prognosis of a stomach bug.



When my daughter was four months old, I was happy, happy that she was slowly changing into a baby and not a newborn. Happy that she was learning how to roll over and how to sit up like a big girl and eat big girl food too. I was happy that she no longer screamed when her daddy took her from me to get his loving in too. I was happy that she was beginning to like her Grammy and she enjoyed playing and spending time with her sitter.



When my daughter was six months old, I was proud, proud that she was such a brave girl when she got her ears pierced, proud that she was sitting up all by herself, proud that she was now saying “dadadadada” all the time even though she didn’t know what she was saying. Mostly I was proud that she still always wanted her mama when she was tired or upset.



When my daughter was eight months old, I was shocked, shocked at how sharp those two little teeth were that she’d cut, shocked at how quickly she figured out how to continue to pull herself up after the first time, shocked at how fast her hair was beginning to come in but mostly I was shocked at how quickly she learned how to crawl when she really wanted to go play with that cat.



Now that my daughter is on the move I am relieved that she can entertain herself, naïve at how many things she can get into, scared that she will get somewhere too quickly and hurt herself, happy that she becoming more independent and can now feed herself allowing me to eat dinner too, proud of how much she loves her big brother and shocked at how quickly this time has passed.