I love her...

I love my daughter.

While most will read that statement and think there was no doubt about it but for me it’s a statement of relief.  While yes, I have always loved my daughter and always will, the day to day struggles and battles made me literally want to run away and cry.  Screaming fits and all out power battles were the norm between us.  She is an extremely strong willed child who loves to do nothing more than to push my buttons.  Every outing was work; every grocery trip was a battle; every night was a nightmare.  

I knew there was a problem - I mean what mother doesn’t like her kid?  Those kind of relationships were reserved for the crappy unfit moms right???  We were spiraling out of control and in this process I was not only taking it out on her but everyone else in the family. Every time I expressed my frustrations or asked for help I’d get the same responses “you’re being to hard on yourself” or “you are a good mom” when behind the door I’m a monster yelling and screaming things that I’m sure she will be talking to her therapist about in ten to twenty years.  How does that make me a good mom?  I honestly don’t think people understood how bad it actually was. The only thing I wasn’t doing was physically harming her and that was because I knew I was so frustrated that I could not objectively spank her without it becoming abusive.  Perhaps that’s what made me a good mom - knowing where that line was...

I went searching for any and all answers I could get.  I went to the pediatrician to make sure there wasn’t anything physically wrong with her - unfortunately/fortunately she was fit as a fiddle.  I hoped if she had an ear infection at least there was a cause for this behavior; nope.  I considered perhaps I could find a catholic priest to perform an exorcism, I mean what could it hurt (other than again more therapy bills for her as an adult).  Finally we got in to see a behavior therapist who diagnosed her with ADHD.  

After day one of “ok - this is what we are dealing with” my whole outlook changed. I poured myself into how to deal with ADHD kids and ways to work around their impulse control issues.  I started encouraging active listening and rewards instead of negative reinforcement and attention that I was previously giving her.  

I went to my own doctor for a anxiety/depression screening as well, conforming what I had thought - I was mildly depressed, most likely stress induced.  It was decided that it would be best to begin medication to allow myself time to breath and a fresh start.  That has been the best decision I could have made.  

I have a new outlook on parenting, marriage, life.  I don’t feel like all hope has been lost and I no longer feel so angry that I am lashing out on everything and everyone.  I still remember the night I stayed up for hours making Colleen a “Super Colleen” cape to wear for super hero day at school thinking she was going to LOVE IT!  I was so excited to see her reaction the next morning that I cried that night - I cried because I was excited to do something for her...something I hadn’t felt in SO long.  I cried because for the first time in what may have been years I felt like THIS is what people mean when they say enjoy being a parent.  

Since that night I have found myself enjoying her more and more; that’s not to say there are still not bad days, but they are becoming less and less.  I can honestly without a doubt say that not only do I love my daughter but I like her (most days) too.  

Thankful for Second Chances

This morning started off just like any other morning…my alarm went off and I snoozed it, several times, before attempting to wake Colleen up to catch the bus.

“Mama, I don't want to ride the bus today, I want to sleep some more.”  So I let her…I wasn't to keen on rushing around to get her to the bus stop on time either and it's not inconvenient to drop her off at school on my way to work, after all, it's just right across the street.  Then my phone rings with my daily wake up call from my husband who, as a police officer, had already been working for a few hours. Today his call home was running about half an hour behind his normal schedule.

“Sorry, you’ve already missed the bus if you're not already up, I was tied up with an accident and everyone else is tied up on the other end of the county with a fatality accident involving a school bus.”  Upon those words my heart dropped and I silently prayed all of the children were spared. 

Fast forward an hour and the news hit that it WAS a child that has passed and a picture of the bus was also released showing the damage to the front portion of the bus.  Since Colleen rides the bus I know bus drivers typically place the younger students in the front and suddenly the bus wasn't another school’s bus in the next county over, but rather Colleen’s bus and my world was shaken.  You hear about these types of accidents occurring where students lives are taken but you never think it will happen in your area, so close to home, so the feelings of “it could have been my child” doesn't take place, but today it did.  

The damns broke when the news was released that not only was it a student whose life was taken but a sweet 5 year old girl; only a few short years younger then my child, my little girl.  My heart went out to all of the children and their families along with the first responders because situations like these are NEVER easy on them and I knew some of the officers that had responded also had young children.  All I wanted to do was make sure they got a hug because I remember my husband talking about having to shut off emotions when dealing with fatality accidents but how different it was when children were involved, especially when they are so close in age to your own.  

I can't seem to help imagining that this unknown family’s heartbreak was my own, what would I do if it was me getting this news?  What was the last thing I would have said to my daughter as I put her on the school bus?  Would she know that I truly did love her because I couldn't remember when the last time I said those words to her.  What kind of mother can't remember the last time her young child heard the words “I love you” from her lips???  A shitty one! When was the last time I hugged or kissed her?  When was the last time a day went by that I hadn't yelled at her for something?  I DON’T KNOW!!!  And to me that tells me I'm doing a piss poor job as a mother and that reality check sucks!  

I love children, I really do, but for some messed up reason I can't seem to show my own child that.  I volunteer in the church nursery EVERY WEEK and have done so for the past six years but MY child cries to her daddy at night asking why her mommy doesn't love her and I do NOTHING because she had frustrated me to the point of tuning it out.  Who does that?  

As I sit here in tears because not only do I feel like the worst mother in the world but I'm about to post this for the world to see as well, I am grateful.  I am grateful because I have a second chance, a second chance to be the loving mother, the mother whose children will remember the last time they heard “I love you” the mother that kisses and hugs her children every morning before sending them off to school and every afternoon when they get home.  I will be the mother that tucks them in at night with a prayer to keep them safe and allow them a good nights rest.  

It is said that everything happens for a reason…while I'm certain the reason for this tragedy is much bigger then MY second chance to be the mother my child deserves I will not waste it.  I will be praying for all of those affected by this accident, especially for the family of the little angel, may she Rest In Peace.   

Taking a stroll down memory lane...

January 6, 2011: Our first day back at work and Colleen pooped all over her outfit almost an hour after we got there. I forgot extra socks so I rubber banded the bottom of her pant legs to keep her feet warm. 

January 14, 2011: Discovered Mark is the only person Colleen don’t like in the family – did not cry with Pa-Paw or grandma, only her daddy.

January 24: Let daddy hold you without crying.

January 25: Laughed a little – not enough to qualify as a real giggle.

March 4: Colleen rolled over from her stomach to back for the first time.  She didn’t know why her mommy was so excited but enjoyed it nonetheless.

Last entry – March 24: Stayed home all day with daddy – ate peas…

I had a great idea when Colleen was little to keep up with what was going on in a day planner I made just for this purpose; however it only lasted 3 months and then there was nothing.  Many of her other milestones were recorded on FaceBook with the intent to record them at a later date, however, here it is May 15, 2014 and I have yet to record them.  My memories are for the most part gone, I have forgotten what she has achieved and when she achieved them. 

What brought on memory lane?  I read a blog post today about a woman who is keeping a one line journal of what is going on during her mommy life in a 5 year memory book. (You can read it here) I instantly regretted not keeping up with my “diary” of Colleen’s achievements.  Looking back at what I do have brought back so many memories, like the first time she stayed home with Mark (on March 4^th).  When she was nursing she refused to take a bottle.  I had come home at lunch to feed her and she was supposed to have a bottle before I made it home at 5, however she refused.  I rushed home worrying that my poor baby girl would be starving and when I walked in the door Mark was sitting with her at the table feeding her peas.  He smiled up at me and simply said she was hungry and wouldn’t take the bottle so he fed her peas until I made it home.  I remember thinking I had nothing to worry about – her daddy wasn’t going to let anything happen to her. 

Now that Colleen is 3.5 years old, most of her baby milestones are over, however she still does things that I want to remember, like her singing the monkey/alligator song to me – its so adorable, I will have to get a video of her singing it.  I still want to record those memories so I ordered me one of the 5 year memory diaries.  In the mean time I’m going to go back in time and attempt to record some of those milestones I’d written down on Facebook…who knows what I will discover – I’m eager to find out. 

Colleen is 3!

I knew my life would change the moment I found out I was pregnant.  I knew my sleeping habits would change the moment I gave birth.  What I didn’t know is that I would be woken up almost every morning by a 3 foot curly headed little girl shaking me and yelling “MOMMY!!!  WAKE UP!  I want EGGS!”  Yep; this is how my days begin.  On the off chance I get up first, she makes it known she does not like being woken up by the sounds of my morning routine.  “TURN…THAT…OFF!  You woke me UP!”  Apparently my hair can wait to be dried until her beauty rest is complete.

My sweet little 7 pound 14 ounce baby girl has morphed into a 30 pound independent diva who values doing everything “myself”.  She refuses to ask for help, unless absolutely necessary, and makes sure you know it.  While she has no problem barging in on anyone else when they are in the bathroom she is adamant on her alone time – pushing everyone out of the bathroom “GET OUT!  I will call you if I need you to wipe my butt!”

Over the last year Colleen has become more confident in herself, her artistic abilities, and her ability to help mommy with household chores.  Her speech has obviously improved dramatically, she can sing numerous songs, knows all of her ABC’s and can even point them out as well as spell her name, however most of the time it comes out as “C-O-L-L-E-E-N spells Doodle.” 

She is a Houdini in training and has mastered all child safety locks including the doors, forcing us to install hotel locks up high on the doors so she can no longer get out of the back door, turn on the water hose, and help mommy clean the floor by flooding the living room with that said water hose.  Yep – the moment when you walk out of the bedroom to find your 2 year old with a garden hose in the house with water EVERYWHERE is not a moment you soon forget – nor is it a story that many people can top. 

The last child safety escape was probably the scariest.  I was taking a shower and she was able to get out of the door to the garage, open the garage door, find a PERMANENT marker and had enough time to color around the entirety of my car.  While I was very upset that I had permanent marker on my car with no clue how to get it off, I was more concerned that she was outside, by herself, and could have been seriously hurt had she ran out into the road.  I was then very grateful the marker and car distracted her and kept her closer to the house.  Not a proud mommy moment there. 

We have decided that she is indeed part monkey and after I found her hanging upside down from the iron canopy that hung over my four post bed – well…it is no longer there but that does not keep her from climbing on the top of my head board and jumping off onto the bed.  I’m amazed and SCARRED at what this little girl comes up with. 

Few things she loves to do:

1.       Watch “Super Why”

2.       Feed the animals

3.       Build “Towers”

4.       Jump

5.       Run Around

6.       Play

7.       Color (on herself) and paper

8.       Read books

9.       Ride bikes

1.       Take baths

11. Paint her nails (by herself)

What will this NEXT year bring?  I'm afraid to find out...

When you know you have "The One"

Not every day is a good day but at the end of the day, even those bad days, I can still see the future with you in it. 

On those bad days all I have to do is think about all the good things you do and my heart is full of love again...

I think about how nervous you were standing in front of everyone on our wedding day all while wondering what was going through your head.

I think about your giggles you couldn't stop when I told you we were having a baby then watching as you ran to the bathroom to see for yourself.

I think about you comforting me during my meltdown of being a "horrible mom" cause I didn't wake up when our tiny baby cried - smiling at me and reassuring me that it was ok, that I was tired and you took care of her and I knew then that you would always be there because no matter how hard I try, I am not Supermom. 

I think about you crawling out of Colleen's room on your hands and knees beckoning her back into the kid filled room after she escaped so that I could have a purse party without the kids.

I think about the puppy dog look you give me when you know you messed up bad that time.  If I didn't know better I would think you do that on purpose because I cant stay mad looking at a face like that.

I think about you jumping up and down with your fists clenched imitating one of my hissy fits.

I think about the many stories I have been told by others of how you have made a difference in their lives, the kind things you have done that you didn't have to do. 

I think about the father you are; while you may not be the perfect father, you make it really hard to find the imperfections and I could not think of a better person to be the father of my children. 

Most of all I think about how you hold me when I have a bad day, knowing there is nowhere safer then right there in your arms. 

The thing I want you to remember is although there are bad days sometimes, on those bad days I still know YOU are THE ONE for me. 

Happy Birthday Honey!  I am thankful for being able to spend this GREAT day with you!

Had a bad day...

When do the words “Shut up” start to mean anything?  Well, I’ll tell you it’s not at 18 months old…

Today started off somewhat crazy, both Colleen and I slept in.  She normally is up by 7:15 but today I had to wake her up at 8 to get her ready to go to Grammy’s house.  I didn’t have time to fix her breakfast or dry my hair and when my hair looks like crap it’s just a recipe for disaster for the rest of the day. 

While dropping Colleen off I remembered I was out of sugar at work for my coffee, so I filled a to-go cup at Mother’s and took it with me.  Half way to work I figured it was cool enough to drink it so I took a sip only to find out that the lid for the coffee cup was the wrong one and it spilled all over my lap – HOT!!!

Work was at least less of a headache – trying to get as much done as I can before I take off the rest of the week.  Due to Mark’s schedule change, he is working every day this week so rather then have to pay over $100 for childcare, I decided to use some vacation time and take off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and use that time to get the house in order, perhaps do something fun with the kids (since Mark is out of school for the summer) and just relax. 

5:00 rolls around and mom dropped Colleen off to me at work and we headed to Kroger to get some food – which having to take the detour around town to get to the store should have put me off a few days, but due to my lack of planning there was nothing pulled out for dinner.  We get to the store and I saw one of the car grocery carts – you know the ones with the big buggy car on the front end of it to let the kids play while you shop, so rather than risk a repeat of the last grocery trip (of Colleen fussing the whole time because she wanted to get out of the cart and play) I got the car cart.  It was the last one and it was just my luck that it was the one without the seatbelt.  I took it anyway, hoping that Colleen would be a good girl since she LOVES her cars at the house.

By the time we got to Aisle 1, she was over the car and every time we stopped she would try to escape.  I found myself rushing to put the items in the cart so that we wouldn’t come to a full stop and allow her to get out.  Welllllll…that lasted about 5 minutes before she started to JUMP out of the moving car so she could run around the store despite the number of “stay in the car” commands.  When she almost took out the row of glass pickle jars I had enough and put her in the top buggy seat and belted her in.  I should have just cut the shopping trip short and left then but I was so frustrated at not finishing the shopping the last time that I was determined to get it all done. 

You know the kid in the store that is crying and screaming and you think to yourself “Why won’t that mother DO SOMETHING” – yep that was Colleen.  I didn’t know what to do.  I tried ignoring it, I tried reasoning with her, tried to tell her that if she would be good I’d get her some ice cream – nope, nothing worked.  Finally I gave up – I was so embarrassed – I knew what everyone in the store was thinking, cause I had thought it when it wasn’t my kid.  The whole time at checkout I was cursing Kroger for not having the stupid seat belt on the car cart.  To top off my shopping trip I ended up having to do two transactions because the cashier didn’t ring up my toilet paper.  He even asked if I still wanted it – yeah…that was one of the important items buddy…

Pushing the cart of half the groceries I intended to get back to the car I remembered I had failed to get the beach toys out of the trunk so I had virtually no space for the groceries – WONDERFUL!  I managed to get them all in the car, started the car, rolled the window down (so I wouldn’t accidently lock Colleen in the car again) and pushed the POS cart back where it belonged. 

Dinner – I REALLY wanted fried cube steak (which I never fry anything in the house).  I naively thought Colleen would let me cook dinner in peace – WRONG AGAIN.  Frying and holding toddler at the same time = bad idea, so I kept taking her back to her room and closing the door in hopes that  she would stay – nope.  At this point my nerves were shot, my patients lost, and my head pounding.  FINALLY Mark made it home and he took her outside in her new wagon – PEACE AND QUIET.  I managed to screw up the gravy and had to start over again – not so peaceful.

Dinner is served and Colleen not only dumps her plate, tries to stab the table with her fork but also tries to open her water and dump it out.  Then the screaming starts.  I couldn’t handle it anymore.  “SHUT UP!!!”  She looked at me like I was crazy mommy and continued with her behavior and I was done.  My mind went into hyper drive – She won’t listen to me, she won’t do what she is told, she wants to do nothing but run wild - what have I done wrong???  I can’t handle it anymore and start on Mark for him to DO SOMETHING with her – go give her a bath – SOMETHING, of which he does. 

Now I sit here thinking about everything that is wrong – everything that I need to do – everything that I need to make a decision on and everything that I have said to Colleen today and I feel HORRIBLE.  When did I become bitchy, angry, crazy mommy?  When did the sweet little girl who wanted nothing to do with ANYONE but her mommy become the wild daddy-loving girl she is now? 

I’m hoping that today was just a bad day – for both of us. 

This song made me feel so much better - BAD DAY