Why risk it?

Why do you do it? Why do you every day put that nasty shit in your mouth knowing that one day it can take you away from your family, especially your kids? You don’t have to worry about anything because when your nasty habit claims your life you won’t have to live with the pain – your family will – I will. You will task me and your kids with taking care of you when you can’t take care of yourself anymore. Your choices will one day tear your family apart – for what? You would rather take the easy road rather than suffer for a few weeks of withdrawals and leave your family to take the hard road of living without you. How selfish can you be? How do you choose to continue to do this when you know what is at stake? By the time a doctor tells you the same thing I have it will be too late. Is this that important that you can’t try to give it up?

You should have a clue what it is like worrying about someone – worrying that they may not come home that night because of their job could at any point kill them. Now look at what I have to go through…not only do I have to worry about you coming home each night but then I have to worry about if the job doesn’t kill you, the nasty shit will. Either way I’m helpless to change any of it. You train, you shoot, you kill bad guys so you can come home but yet every day you kill yourself a little more with each dip – kinda stupid if you ask me.

When news got out last year that you “killed yourself” (mistaken identity) you made sure everyone knew that if that actually happened to call every 3 letter agency because someone killed you and made it look like a suicide but here you are, killing yourself.

Make me understand the logic behind this? If you love life so much why do you risk it? If you love your family as much as you say you do then why do you risk leaving them for dirt? You have a little girl who loves her daddy so much and if you don’t quit you are going to make her watch you wither away. You have a son who knows what you are doing and pleads with you every time he sees you put that nasty shit in your mouth to quit because he doesn’t want you to die either.

I can’t make you quit but I love you too damn much to not try – can you say the same?

Love is a choice

I went to church this morning and the one thing that really stuck out that the pastor said was that love is a choice; its not the butterflies you feel when you are with someone or the romance that is there or not – you have to choose to love someone. When I thought about it I realized how true this statement was. I remember watching The Wedding Planner and there was a scene where J-Lo’s father was explaining to her about his arranged marriage with her mother. He explained how “I appreciated her, then the appreciation grew to respect, respect grew to like, then like grew to love, a deeper love than I could ever hope for.” Isn’t that how you should find love? By meeting someone, getting to know them, respect them, like them, love them? You can’t force love and if you love someone for physical aspects what happens when it goes away?

I could have very easily been shallow and never married my husband because of physical attributes – don’t get me wrong, I am attracted to my husband, but I love him for him and not his looks. The only reason I push for him to lose weight is not because of how it looks, but because his weight was unhealthy. I want him to live as long as he possibly can and he already has an 18 year disadvantage so the more I can help him do to extend his life expectancy the better off he will be.

I understand now how people can stay married to someone for so long – long after the honeymoon phase is gone, long after the kids have grown and moved away and even after the grandkids arrive…it’s a choice. With this “eye opener” I have a deeper understanding of marriage and am more confidence that this marriage will not end in a divorce like my first one. We are both determined to make this work and we both choose every morning that we are going to stay married and love each other.

Choosing to love does not only apply to your spouse but also your kids. Not everyone has that natural love for their children, as evident by the number of deadbeat moms and dads. Being a parent is hard work and it could be so easy to throw your hands up and say “I’m done” if it wasn’t for the love you have for them. There is nothing glamorous about changing smelly diapers, cleaning up puke, getting up at wee hours of the morning, nursing a biting baby, rocking while there is someone screaming in your arms or even washing green beans out of your hair. I am so thankful that I have the “mothering gene” and have no problem loving my child with everything I have but I’ll be honest and say – sometimes I may not like her that much. Sometimes I do have to rock her long after she fell asleep just to recharge and reaffirm that life is going to continue on and it will be great.