A Parent's Love

A Parent's Love....

A parent's love is a very powerful thing.  A child who is loved and disciplined with love will grow up healthy and happy and at the same time a child who is raised not disciplined and alone will grow up wanting.  I am determined that my daughter will be loved and raised right.  Every day I search for ways to better myself, better my parenting, better my marriage, always learning and loving.

I am a firm believer that time spent with children is more important then anything else.  You cannot buy time, not with toys or candy.  This is one of the reasons I do not care much about money.  I would rather not buy myself fancy things rather then take away time with my family.  Granted right now I am away for two nights a week at school, but I decided to do this now when Colleen is still very young and will forget I was ever missing then when she was older.  I am not going to school to chase money, rather the opportunities that will come with my CPA license.  I also know my husband is more then capable to love my daughter while I am not home.

It is amazing to see what she does with her daddy...the routine of things she has to do with him from taking off his shoes, socks and tickling his feet to helping him put his gun belt in the closet and help him lock it.  She knows to say the blessing at dinner and ask if she can be done and get down.  One of her favorite things to do is ride the "tractor" with daddy and go on a grass cutting spree of the neighborhood (which I feel is teaching her how to love her neighbors).  My husband is very good at showing her how to be kind to others, how to be loving and respectful, and how to be ADORABLE!  

Some of the most important things I want my daughter to learn is to have manners, treat everyone with respect, not to be judgmental, and to love.

When you know you have "The One"

Not every day is a good day but at the end of the day, even those bad days, I can still see the future with you in it. 

On those bad days all I have to do is think about all the good things you do and my heart is full of love again...

I think about how nervous you were standing in front of everyone on our wedding day all while wondering what was going through your head.

I think about your giggles you couldn't stop when I told you we were having a baby then watching as you ran to the bathroom to see for yourself.

I think about you comforting me during my meltdown of being a "horrible mom" cause I didn't wake up when our tiny baby cried - smiling at me and reassuring me that it was ok, that I was tired and you took care of her and I knew then that you would always be there because no matter how hard I try, I am not Supermom. 

I think about you crawling out of Colleen's room on your hands and knees beckoning her back into the kid filled room after she escaped so that I could have a purse party without the kids.

I think about the puppy dog look you give me when you know you messed up bad that time.  If I didn't know better I would think you do that on purpose because I cant stay mad looking at a face like that.

I think about you jumping up and down with your fists clenched imitating one of my hissy fits.

I think about the many stories I have been told by others of how you have made a difference in their lives, the kind things you have done that you didn't have to do. 

I think about the father you are; while you may not be the perfect father, you make it really hard to find the imperfections and I could not think of a better person to be the father of my children. 

Most of all I think about how you hold me when I have a bad day, knowing there is nowhere safer then right there in your arms. 

The thing I want you to remember is although there are bad days sometimes, on those bad days I still know YOU are THE ONE for me. 

Happy Birthday Honey!  I am thankful for being able to spend this GREAT day with you!

The Game of Life

Really bad days come every so often, and on those days you want to do nothing but curl up in a ball and cry for hours. Then comes the day after the bad day and on that day you collect up the pieces from the day before and ever so slowly begin to glue them back together...

Today is the day after the bad day and I am filled with hope despite the fact that I only have half a tooth (one of my very expensive crowns may I add) but everything happens for a reason right.  Just have to figure out what the reasons for this is...perhaps it is reaffirming the need to build up the savings account. 

This morning I also attended a Parent Summit at the church where they discussed how to, and the dangers of, raising a child.  While I already knew the principles of most of what was talked about I did learned a few ways of making discipline not such a hassle.  Although many of the things discussed, such as monitoring kids with technology (which I have FULL intentions of doing) do not pertain to me yet due to Colleen's age.  One thing I am going to really try to do is treat discipline more as the game of life - "uh oh...you did it again...time to start back at go".  Perhaps if I keep this in mind then I can discipline in a loving way and not in an angry way.  One thing that was stressed was to make sure your child knows they have a choice and they are responsible for their actions. 

I know I really want to be the type of parent that does not live one way and teach my children to do another.  I will model the behavior I want them to follow because I know this is the best teaching tool.  To do this I know I need to learn a few things such as controlling my temper better. 

I know being a parent is hard, stressful, and testing but most of all it is SO rewarding and I want it to be just as rewarding for the kids.  

Distractions

Distractions – I face them every day; they take away from what is important, take away my time and fill it with nonsense.  For some reason when I take away one distraction it is replaced with several more.  Am I that much of a procrastinator that I have to have these distractions in my life or am I that paranoid to do something perfect that I give into distractions to keep from failing? 

I can’t think of the last thing I have finished completely and it was stopped by checking Facebook, looking for better ways of doing whatever on Pinterest, catching up on the TV shows I hadn’t watched all week and so many other things.  I can only imagine what I could get done if I got rid of all these distractions – how much happier I would be knowing that I accomplished something and didn’t fail at getting it done.  I would feel so much better walking into a clean house, knowing what I was cooking for dinner (and having the stuff to make it), cooking something different and it actually taste good, having a pretty house cause I actually made that thing I pinned on Pinterest months ago and thought “I would LOVE to do this”. 

Lately I have been so out of control, so many things have distracted me from the things I want the most, distractions that I can’t say mattered at all.  I felt horrible on Monday night because I didn’t get to watch the Bachelorette and I felt worse for caring so much that I missed it.  Something so small as a TV show would get me so upset that I decided that this was the last season I would watch it so I wouldn’t have that feeling again.  I get so upset over things that don’t matter and am determined to fix it.  Why should I get upset over the distractions???  On top of the distractions upsetting me, I get even more upset for allowing myself to be distracted. 

I have to figure out a way to handle some of the stress in my life.  I have been having too many meltdowns and I hate it.  I feel more out of control when I waste time rather than getting things done.  I hate feeling like I failed when someone walks into my house and it is a mess, even more when I hadn’t been watching my bank account and there is that “uh oh” moment.  I haven’t been able to pinpoint what has been triggering my meltdowns but I think I will be able to limit them if I get some control back by ridding myself of the distractions.  

My first gun class...success!

Never would I have ever imagined that I would sit here and wonder about what type of gun I would like for myself. I didn’t think I would ever tell my husband I wanted a P22 but after a few hours change my mind because it wasn’t strong enough. Talking about guns is usually at the bottom of my list of things to talk about unless it’s a “No honey, we can’t afford that gun right now.” My newfound excitement about guns came yesterday when I finally took one of Mark’s classes.

A month or so ago, our church did a “Just Married” series in which the sermons were geared towards how to make your marriage better. It was from those messages that I started to feel like I needed to do something so that we could live happily ever after so I contacted the church to get some additional help which lead to taking the enneagram test and eventually led to me making an appointment to see a counselor. I knew I had a problem with relationships in the aspect that I have an overwhelming desire to make them perfect and when something goes wrong, I go into panic overload. I constantly live in fear of the unknown and since both Mark and I have been married before I know that it is very easy to fall into that “divorce” state of mind. I am determined for that to never be an option in our relationship, as is Mark – but that FEAR is still there. Anyway – among other things the counselor suggested I do, one was to do things Mark wants to do. I like spending time with him but I hate dirt, bugs, heat, etc. I have to start choosing what I hate more…the outdoors OR not doing things with my husband. Hence, the gun class.

The class was actually a lot of fun, including the lecture at the beginning on gun safety (this was BEGINNER class so lecture time was inevitable) and my only beefs with the lecture were the parts that I have heard 1000 times (being the instructor’s wife – I was bound to hear some stories A LOT) but for the rest of the class participants it was no problem and overall interesting.

Starting off the shooting portion of the class I had a few issues with the gun I was using – which was later fixed with using a different kind of bullet. (Apparently the P22 I was using likes a better quality bullet then the “class guns” that Sister was using). I was hitting my target despite the sight problems I have. With my vision is corrected in a way that one eye sees close and one eye sees far – and the front sight of the gun happens to fall in the “no see” section which creates a problem with accuracy of bullet placement.   

After a few drills of shooting the target, we started to get into more “real world” scenarios instead of standing and shooting drills.  I tend to have the mentality that nothing bad is going to happen to me so the scenarios themselves were a little unnecessary in my mindset BUT was still good to know since my fantasy world is not reality.    One person taking the class said that if I was ever robbed then my mindset would change…well – I have been robbed before – at gunpoint, but I guess my mind blocks it out with the “lightening doesn’t strike the same place twice” attitude.  Nevertheless – I feel more confident now that IF something were to happen I would know more what to do. 



When we started the “reloading drills” I switched guns to Mark’s Glock (I LOVE that gun)!  When I looked back at the pictures of the class I noticed that with the little gun (P22) my stance was way off and I think it was because of how much the gun DID NOT kick so I wasn’t forced to really hold onto it, but with the Glock I KNEW I had to hold it a lot firmer otherwise it would kick my butt.  I did a lot better with that gun, however it did end up hurting my hand a little bit after shooting it several times – so I switched to a 9MM (don’t know exactly what gun it was – but I felt like Goldie Locks – after trying the baby gun, and the daddy gun – the mama gun fit just right).

Although the class was a blast – the best thing was seeing my husband in action and him knowing that I do support him.  This has opened up such a HUGE part of his life that I can actually be a part of now which is very precious to me.  Perhaps once I REALLY decide what gun I want (and have it painted HOT PINK!!!) we can start having date night at the range.  He would never turn that one down!    

I will protect who I want to be...

I’ve been searching and searching for a blog with the same ideas as I have for myself and my family.  I kept thinking “I can’t be the only one to think this way” but after empty searches I have given up on finding a “how to be me” blog and decided I needed to make my own.  First I have to figure out how to be me comfortably…

How I protect who I want to be…

I am determined to have a great relationship with my husband – granted some of my methods might be a little backwards but for the most part I feel my determination will eventually prevail.  Part of my dedication to my husband is my commitment to him to remain faithful.  I have made comments in the past about me not having or wanting male friends because I don’t want there to ever be the opportunity of an affair occurring.  The comments I got from this were for the most part unsupportive.  This is something I chose for myself and not for anyone else.  I was basically told that because I chose not to have male friends that I was not trusting and did not truly love my husband cause if I did I would have nothing to worry about.  I beg to differ – it is because I truly love my husband that I keep myself away from potentially dangerous situations.  Why would I need a friend (not acquaintance) of the opposite sex at this point in my life?  If I need a guy’s opinion – I ask my husband; if I want to do “guy” things- I do them with my husband.  I am almost certain that of those who had affairs, the affair started off as some type of innocent friendship. 

Along the same aspect of friendship – I have began to weed out “friendships” (more like acquaintances) and cutting off connections with those who have completely different viewpoints of what they want out of life.  Just a few examples of this would be…

People actively seeking or involved in extramarital relationships – I have no respect for those cheating on their spouse.  While I understand that people have made mistakes in their past and I don’t hold that against them, but they can control the present and prevent the future. 

I do not want to be around or even talk about drugs.  I have never tried them nor will I ever try them.  Honestly, even the discussion of someone else doing drugs makes me uncomfortable.  I have nothing to prove to those who say I am missing out or that there is nothing wrong with it.  That’s fine – you do what you want to do but keep it away from me and my family. 

I do not need to drink and party every night – I have a little girl at home who needs me more then I need to have fun time.  Perhaps when she is MUCH older I will go out more but there is enough that I miss while I am at work – I don’t want to miss out on more.

I will be a positive influence in my children’s lives.  I will not let TV or video games raise my kids.  I will know and approve what they watch, I will know their friends, I will take them to church, and I will tell them NO. 

I will be who I will be and not allow anyone to try to make me more “relaxed” because I feel when I drop the values I hold close to my heart, it’s not only me that I will fail, but my family too.  I feel in today’s society I have to be even more particular because there are so many negative influences, most of which go unnoticed by so many.  I have allowed people to influence my decisions in the past to do things I regret and it may happen again in the future – but it is going to be a fight getting to that point. 

Choosing to be Positive

The more I try to make my life better the more I notice how much the outside world influences me.  I am very thankful that I am becoming more aware of what is going on around me and am able to pinpoint things that I do not like and do not want in my life.  Although I consider myself a rational person, irrational thoughts do tend to run through my head constantly; most of it involves my family life. 

I have the tendency to go into crisis mode if my husband and I ever argue and want to immediately make up some rules or some other type of structure to keep the argument from happening again because I fear in 20 years our marriage will be in shambles if we don’t do something RIGHT NOW.   A few weeks ago I went into meltdown mode at one of our small group meetings because we were discussing marriage.  One of the couples in our group has been married for 25+ years and they said they never fight and are very loving toward one another.  Immediately I knew I wanted that but had no clue how to get that kind of marriage – hence meltdown mode.  I’m not use to couples actually liking each other after they had been married for so long.  I’m use to “he’s so stupid!” or “I’m here because I’m tolerant” and that scares the crap out of me because I don’t want that for myself. 

I remember getting so frustrated with my husband for not understanding my urgency to make our marriage as good as we could possibly get it but then I asked him “didn’t your parents ever fight?”  He looked at me and said that he honestly doesn’t remember them fighting.  I knew then that this was my fight; it is almost like he is oblivious to how bad marriage could actually be.  My fear is not something I can blame on others – I am an adult now and I need to retrain myself to look at the good and not focus so much on the bad. 

I’ve been fighting this fight of focusing on the good for a few weeks already and have already noticed a few simple changes in my own behavior.  Checking back on my Facebook my negative comments have been very controlled.  I notice while reading other’s comments I get a sick feeling when I come across one that I know is not a positive influence on me and I reevaluate my relationship with the person posting the status.  If I find this person is constantly negative I hide their posts, otherwise I chalk it up to having a bad day.   This is one of my boundaries I have set up for myself.  I’m not going to continue to allow other people to drag me down with their destructive behavior. 

My boundaries are a topic of their own, one of which I will address shortly.  I need to write them down and share them so that way others will know and hopefully respect my boundaries if there is ever a time where they could possibly be crossed.