Finding ME

Mark and I recently took a personality test called the Enneagram which pegged us down perfectly.  First let me back track a little bit. 

Our church has been doing a marriage series entitled “Just Married?” and it got my gears turning.  Now my marriage is not bad, but it could be better.  You know those older couples you see that seem SOOO in love, well – that’s what I want.  I understand that you don’t get that type of relationship overnight – you have to work at it.  I felt the problem was with Mark because he refused to work on it with me, “if it isn’t broken, why fix it” was his philosophy.  Well I couldn’t handle that answer so I went searching and called the church after a meltdown in my small group. 

The church has an option for married couples to get into contact with Marriage Mentors, of which they match you up with another couple who will help guide you along the right path.  Through the process a pastor talks to you to get a feel for what is going on so he can place you with the correct couple.  Based on the fact that we have both been previously married, that we are approaching our 3^rd year of marriage, that our family is blended, and that Mark is a cop, he recommended that we try marriage counseling first because our dynamics are a little more complicated then the average marriage mentor is equipped to handle. 

This is where the Enneagram came into play.  I asked Mark about the counseling (of which he felt we didn’t need it but if I felt it necessary for me then he would do it).  So we took the personality tests first which has given me a lot of insight to what I need to work on.  Most of our marriage problems (that Mark seems to think don’t exist) comes straight from my personality type.  I’m a 6 – a loyal person who likes rules (black and white) and because of the type of person I am and how I've delt with it in the past, I tend to live my life in fear.  I tend to look at all possibilities and see how they all could play out in the future.  Because I do this out of fear I see our marriage ending up like my parents and it scares the crap out of me.  Although our marriage is far from that point I can see it clear as day in my head in the next 20 or 30 years and I try to fix it now, allowing my fear to cloud my present life. I can hear it now, people saying "just don't stress about it" but that is like telling a toddler not to move...its not so easy to just not stress or fear something.   

Mark, on the other hand, is an 8 – a powerful person.  Powerful people don’t like weakness, they tend to stomp it out.  So my fear is sometimes portrayed as weakness which makes him uncomfortable and shuts it out.  8’s also tend to stick up for the underdogs, which explains why when anyone remotely says anything negative about me, he goes into ravage dog mode and wants to bite your head off – his protector mode.  This is too why he makes such a good police officer, he can use his powers for good – granted he knows how to use his “powers”, other powerful people tend to be the bullies and I am very thankful that Mark has a handle on who he is. 

After we got our results from the Enneagram and they were explained to us I felt much better about our relationship because I know now that Mark knows who he is, but I on the other hand don’t know who I am.  Based on my results it was concluded that I live my life in fear because someone in my childhood used their authority in a way that caused me fear.  As the counselor explained, this worked for me as a child but now that I am an adult I need to change my way of handling things which is why I will go back and work on figuring that out.  Once I figure that out I might bring Mark back into the picture and perhaps try marriage counseling but I don’t think we will need it, not after I figure out ME. 

Enneagram Type 6 - The Loyalist

Conflicted between trust and distrust

People of this personality type essentially feel insecure, as though there is nothing quite steady enough to hold onto. At the core of the type Six personality is a kind of fear or anxiety. This anxiety has a very deep source and can manifest in a variety of different styles, making Sixes somewhat difficult to describe and to type. What all Sixes have in common however, is the fear rooted at the center of their personality, which manifests in worrying, and restless imaginings of everything that might go wrong. This tendency makes Sixes gifted at trouble shooting, but also robs the Six of much needed peace of mind and tends to deprive the personality of spontaneity. The essential anxiety at the core of the type Six fixation tends to permeate the personality with a sort of "defensive suspiciousness." Sixes don't trust easily; they are often ambivalent about others, until the person has absolutely proven herself, at which point they are likely to respond with steadfast loyalty. The loyalty of the Six is something of a two edged sword however, as Sixes are sometimes prone to stand by a friend, partner, job or cause even long after it is time to move on.

Sixes are generally looking for something or someone to believe in. This, combined with their general suspiciousness, gives rise to a complicated relationship to authority. The side of the Six which is looking for something to believe in, is often very susceptible to the temptation to turn authority over to an external source, whether it be in the form of an individual or a creed. But the Six's tendency towards distrust and suspicion works against any sort of faith in authority. Thus, two opposite pulls exist side by side in the personality of enneatype Six, and assume different proportions in different individuals, sometimes alternating within the same individual.

The truly confounding element when it comes to typing Sixes is that there are two fundamentally different strategies that Sixes adopt for dealing with fear. Some Sixes are basically phobic. Phobic Sixes are generally compliant, affiliative and cooperative. Other Sixes adopt the opposite strategy of dealing with fear, and become counterphobic, essentially taking a defiant stand against whatever they find threatening. This is the Six who takes on authority or who adopts a dare devil attitude towards physical danger. Counterphobic Sixes can be agressive and, rather than looking for authorities, can adopt a rebellious or anti-authoritarian demeanor. Counterphobic Sixes are often unaware of the fear that motivates their actions. In fact, Sixes in general, tend to be blind to the extent of their own anxiety. Because it is the constant back drop to all of their emotions, Sixes are frequently unaware of its existence, as they have nothing with which to contrast it.

Enneagram Type 8 - The Challenger

Taking charge, because they don't want to be controlled

People of this personality type are essentially unwilling to be controlled, either by others or by their circumstances; they fully intend to be masters of their fate. Eights are strong willed, decisive, practical, tough minded and energetic. They also tend to be domineering; their unwillingness to be controlled by others frequently manifests in the need to control others instead. When healthy, this tendency is kept under check, but the tendency is always there, nevertheless, and can assume a central role in the Eight's interpersonal relationships.

Eights generally have powerful instincts and strong physical appetites which they indulge without feelings of shame or guilt. They want a lot out of life and feel fully prepared to go out and get it. They need to be financially independent and often have a hard time working for anyone. This sometimes necessitates that the Eight opt out of the system entirely, assuming something of an outlaw mentality. Most Eights however, find a way to be financially independent while making their peace with society, but they always retain an uneasy association with any hierarchical relationship that sees the Eight in any position other than the top position.

Eights have a hard time lowering their defenses in intimate relationships. Intimacy involves emotional vulnerability and such vulnerability is one of the Eight's deepest fears. Betrayal of any sort is absolutely intolerable and can provoke a powerful response on the part of the violated Eight. Intimate relationships are frequently the arena in which an Eight's control issues are most obviously played out and questions of trust assume a pivotal position. Eights often have a sentimental side that they don't even show to their intimates, such is their fear of vulnerability. But, while trust does not come easily to an Eight, when an Eight does take someone into the inner sanctum, they find a steadfast ally and stalwart friend. The Eight's powerful protective instincts are called into play when it comes to the defense of family and friends, and Eights are frequently generous to a fault in providing for those under their care.