A post from May 2014 showed up in my timehop the other day and I re-shared it in honor of police appreciation week and it generated over 250 hits in just 3 days and it got me thinking about what this blog had meant to me. It really is a place for my mind to wonder and a place where I can be just me. I’ve always had to write my thoughts down to feel better but as can be seen by the MANY empty journals I have at my house I’ve decided that I need this outlet as opposed to paper. Paper doesn’t talk back to you, paper doesn’t tell you when you’re wrong or encourage you when you are down. Even if nobody ever reads any of my posts, the thought that maybe someone will hold me accountable is enough to make me want to post another entry.
Recently I’ve been struggling with my role as a mom, well, as a parent in general. When you are a parent to a strong willed child and you yourself are a planner by nature, every day is a struggle. When my child refuses to listen my brain immediately goes to the “when she’s an adult she’s screwed”. Is it that big of a deal that my 6 year old refuses to clean out the car? Yes and No. I’ve lacked the energy to fight with her so I have been letting it go, even though I know that she needs these boundaries to grow into a functioning/productive adult. At the same time I need to get myself in a position that will enable me to parent my child without resenting her or anyone else in my family and unfortunately that’s exactly how I was feeling so to save myself from further resentment I’ve let things go because saving myself from THAT was more important than cleaning the car out/taking the clothes to the laundry/cleaning a bedroom or whatever else I’ve asked her to do. While I am still in planning mode of “how to proceed with parenting” I’ve been reminiscing via my older blog posts and remembering the joys that I have had being a parent. I came across the post I wrote for Colleen’s Second birthday “Colleen is 2!” where I wrote all of the things I loved so much that she did. I can still remember her having to help her daddy out of his gun belt and put it into the closet; I remember how she would get SO MAD if he did it by himself. I remember her always telling him how stinky his feet were (not that they even stunk but I trained her to always tell him they were). To be honest, prior to re-reading that post I had forgotten all about those moments and it gutted me. All I remember now is the naughty things she has been doing – what happened to me being able to find the joy in having her in our lives? THAT has gutted me the most! As I thought about all of the forgotten memories a post that a friend had posted came to mind...
I may not get her firsts back or even recognize when those lasts have passed but I will get the joys of being a mother back one day at a time...
