How NOT to have an affair...

So tonight a page I was following did confessions segment for fun – which it was fun and disturbing at the same time. I’m sure I’m not the only one disturbed by the amount of people who cheat on their spouses or significant other. I find equally disturbing the number of people who “like” that fact. Imagine how many marriages would stay intact if people wouldn’t cheat. Do marriages get stale? Sometimes – but that doesn’t mean that you give up and find someone else to fill that void. When you get married you stick it out. Sure, I might sound a little hypercritical since I’ve been divorced and didn’t stick it out but I didn’t cheat. Granted I didn’t wait for the divorce to be final before I continued with my life but the relationship itself was over and there was no going back.

How to avoid an affair…

Have sex – often (read my blog on sex in marriage) – if you are going weeks and even months without sex (and your spouse is NOT deployed) then there is a real danger of you or your spouse straying.

Confess – if you have thoughts of straying tell someone – if you can’t keep yourself honest then bringing a friend or even your spouse into your thoughts can keep you honest. I know if I ever told my husband I was having inappropriate thoughts about someone else he would make sure I was taken care of (not that I’ve had to do this).

Don’t put yourself in a position where you can have an affair – don’t go party and get drunk without someone to protect you otherwise you may find yourself waking up with someone else not knowing how you got there – better yet, don’t drink to get drunk.

Keep your distance – you don’t want to confess everything to someone of the opposite sex to be consoled – you will find yourself liking this person better than your own spouse if you are having problems already in your marriage.

Give your spouse access to everything you own – when you are in a marriage there should be no secrets (other then what you plan on doing special for your spouse). Would it be so bad if your spouse read your emails and logged into your facebook account or even checked your phone to see who you were talking to? If so – ask yourself why – what do you have to hide and should you be hiding that? If you want to keep something private, write a journal – at least it is only you and the paper and nobody else.

Surround yourself with people who have the same values – if you hang out with someone who is cheating on their spouse then they are likely to bring you down instead of preventing you from doing the same thing.

If you find yourself in a position where you think another party might believe you are interested in them be straight up with them. Make sure they are aware that you have no intention of starting anything. The worst thing that will happen is they think you are a little conceded but at least you are on the same page.

Decide not to – if you never give yourself the option to have an affair then you won’t.

Lastly – Respect yourself and others. Just as you wouldn’t want to be cheated on don’t be the one someone is cheating with.

Sex in marriage...

1 Corinthians 7:1-5

Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman.” But since sexual immorality is occurring, each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body but yields it to her husband. In the same way, the husband does not have authority over his own body but yields it to his wife. Do not deprive each other except perhaps by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Who would have thought that this would actually be discussed in church – it is officially my favorite passage in the bible. I actually found this passage several months ago and sent it to my husband who laughed and said that only I would be able to find something like this.

It’s a proven fact that couples fight the most about two things, sex and money. Without divulging too much personal information, this is a “discussion” I’ve had with my husband several times. It is pretty obvious to anyone that there is a large age difference between my husband and I (18 years to be exact) and while there isn’t much that the age difference affects our sex life is one of them (me being 26 and at my peak).

Sex…it has become a dirty word and a casual act at the same time. While I am not one to preach about saving sex until marriage – I didn’t wait, however I wish I had. I was by no means loose – I can count the number of men I kissed on one hand and my ex husband was my first. Sex is more of an emotional connection for me and before my husband and I were married there was always something missing and once the “I Do’s” were said something changed, perhaps it was the shame that was no longer there. Now it is the physical intimacy that makes me feel the most loved and that is what I crave the most…the love, not pleasure (not that it’s not pleasurable – because it is amazing).

Sex and marriage go hand in hand. In almost 3 years of marriage I could probably count on one hand the number of times I have said “not now” because I feel like it is my job as a wife to keep my husband from looking elsewhere for it, although he would argue that its because I’m a nymphomaniac. Honestly, in today’s society there are so many challenges to marriage, why risk the possibility of adultery by denying your spouse? If you are sexually satisfied then why would you look elsewhere?

I’m a firm believer in not putting yourself into positions that could lead down a dangerous path. While I understand my husband has friends of the opposite sex and even his boss is a female, I trust that he won’t ruin our family with one of them. At the same time I expect him not to develop any new relationships with other women on a personal level. Although I trust him, I do have check mechanisms in place so that if he began to stray he would have to be very sneaky to do it and hopefully an alarm would go off in his heart to keep him from pursuing it. Some may say I’m not trusting because I do keep tabs on him but I see it more as protecting my marriage. I don’t do anything behind his back, he knows everything I look at and he agreed to allow me to keep tabs on before we ever thought of getting married. He has the same free reign of everything I have as well although he doesn’t take advantage of it. If you could do something to protect your marriage, wouldn’t you do it as well?

We have both been married before, so we are both aware that marriage is not guaranteed to last if we don’t put the effort into it. We make a choice every day to be married and if there is a hard day we do what is necessary to make it to the next day. I’m sure everyone has had make-up sex at one point or another – this has a way of reassuring one another that everything is going to be ok. I’m sure I’m not the only one who is nicer when I feel loved, wanted and appreciated.

So what’s the lesson we learned today…Have sex because it will make your wife (or husband) nicer, it will keep third parties out of your marriage, and most importantly…God said so.

No need for grand gestures…

I don’t need a fancy car or diamond rings – I need love and affection.

Valentine’s Day is not about presents and flowers...it's a day to go out of your way to let the special someone in your life that you really love them. Sure you love them every day but life tends to get in the way of really showing it...

Life tends to go a little something like this…

Wake up. Take shower. Get kids ready. Take kids to school, daycare, Grammy’s house etc. Go to work. Come home. Cook dinner. Clean up. Get kids ready for bed. Go to bed and start again the next day.
Where is the romance in there – where is the time that you can really show your spouse that you love them. When is the extra effort made to say “Hey, I really appreciate what you do for me and our family and by the way – you look AMAZING.”

Since Colleen was born (and most likely all during the pregnancy) I’ve been struggling with feeling like I am appreciated and loved. I’ve struggled with balancing working, momhood, being a wife, keeping the house clean, and everything else I am tasked with. I am often times in my own little bubble with nobody to share my thoughts and feelings with since I have no time to venture off and find a group of friends. I often feel so alone and need a jump start to feeling at peace again. Then Valentine’s Day comes up…

On Saturday I called my husband up at work and told him I wanted salon grade shampoo and conditioner for Valentine’s day (really it was an excuse to buy the stuff since I would feel too guilty to buy it on a regular day). He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to get me a new charm for my bracelet – one of a cross or something to that nature. GREAT IDEA! I decided to look online and see if I could find one I liked at the stores around – and found that Belk was having this awesome sale going on that day until 2 so I told Mark and he said to go get it (why not save money when you can). He does get credit for the idea – the thought counted.

Monday night rolled around and it was late – almost midnight before I went to bed and Mark was still up. I thought it would be cute to put his card on his pillow so when he came to bed it would be past midnight and officially Valentine’s Day. I don’t know when he came to bed but when I woke up the next morning he had written on the mirror “Happy Valentine’s Day – I love you” – nice gesture and I should have accepted that at that. I figured when he got his card it dawned on him that he forgot my card so he was buying himself some time and I was ok with that. He called me later in the day and asked if we had any plans for the night cause he was asked to watch the boys. I said I didn’t have plans – I figured he did…well I was wrong. So I get home – ended up ordering pizza (not my favorite food in the world) but there was a card…from Colleen and the kids…not from my husband. He thought that the writing on the mirror was a substitution for a card. He actually said I got my card this morning on the mirror, and I got my charms and even got something unexpected (card from the kids) so he did more than he needed.

I don’t need presents – the only reason I like cards is because there are so many to choose from you have to read so many to find THE ONE that fits the best – it takes thought and time. Valentine’s day is about presents and flowers to the stores – not to me. I just want to feel loved and thought of. I figured a special dinner would have been cooked since I told him we couldn’t afford to go out to eat again since we just ate out on Friday. I feel like such an awful person for getting upset over a day.

Someone had said that they don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day because they show they love each other every day – well I like to celebrate because I don’t feel loved every day – I feel alone. I am constantly begging for some type of attention – please just talk to me – can we turn off the TV and the computer, can we just spend time together? Can you spit out the nasty crap so I can have a kiss? Can I try to come on to you without you pushing me away?

I have a problem – I analyze everything and it gets me into trouble a lot and makes me feel horrible a lot of times. With special days such as this when nothing special is done I feel like I’m not special enough to do anything for. I’m not important enough to take the time to write down a few words in a card to say how much I’m loved. I’m not worth spitting out the nasty stuff to get a kiss. I wouldn’t have thought I would have to specifically spell out that a kiss is a requirement for Valentine’s Day but apparently I do (making mental note). I think next year I’m going to rip the day out of my calendar and try to forget about it entirely – think of it as just another day because I’m tired of feeling this way – feeling as I do every day compounded 50 times because it was suppose to be special.

I love my husband and while I know he loves me too I don’t think he knows how I need to be shown that I’m loved – and that’s not his fault. I need to work on getting over my insecurities, get over my need to feel needed, get over my fear of being just another face in the crowd that nobody will ever notice. I'm afraid that if I do get over it all then I really wont be needed, loved or noticed...

Bullies

Is it natural to pick on others or is it something that is taught? I wish I knew what goes through a bully’s head just as I know what it is like for the bullied. I know what it is like to walk with my eyes on the floor, hoping nobody would notice me so they wouldn’t have any reason to tease me that day. I know what it is like to think that nobody likes me – I know how small and unimportant one feels when this is happening. I am thankful that I know how this feels because it has opened my eyes to think outside of what is in front of me. I’m thankful that I can use my experiences to look deeper into a situation and not rush to judgment – but how do you use that to help others?

Are bullies just spoiled kids craving attention? Do their parents go through the motions of providing a roof but no guidance? I wish I knew – I wish I knew so I could help them. Are these kids written off as incapable of being helped – a worthless cause? I surely hope not – I hope that someone will step up and show them the right way to treat others. I wish people would get the idea that “kids will be kids” out of their heads and wake up – you can’t just write everything off as kids being kids – you have to teach them right from wrong – you have to teach by example – you have to take responsibility for their actions and do something about it.

I don’t know a single rational parent who doesn’t want their children to succeed so I don’t understand how there are so many bullies today. Is it that nobody has told them that their little angel that they tuck in every night and give butterfly kisses to is lying to them or are they the parents that do not utter a single nice word to their child and don’t take the time to see the preciousness in them? I don’t understand how a parent can allow their children to bring harm to others just as I don’t understand how adults can do the same thing to their peers.

Parents – you need to look at what you are teaching your kids. Are you teaching them to be kind to others or hate others? Are you teaching them how to handle situations gracefully or ruthlessly? Sure – we are not perfect – we are not always going to do things the right way – but which way is the norm and are you happy with that? If not – it’s time to change and break the cycle.

Christian Atheists

Hypocrites -this is exactly the type of person that I didn’t want to be around and yet the churches are full of them. My views of church were so distorted that I could never find a church I was happy at. At one point I found a church I liked and attended for a few months but then it became known that the pastor was having an affair with another member of the church. I’m sorry if I didn’t want to associate with people who said they were “Christians” and were leading other Christians but were only Christians in public but behind closed doors they weren't.

My first hurdle to get over was a Christian who claimed they were so wonderful; they attend church regularly throughout the week, carry their Bibles everywhere and screamed “Look at me.” I found it hard to believe that someone who was SOOOO Christian turned away several family members because they don’t like their choices or because they couldn’t let go of something in the past. Isn’t that one of the basic Christian attitudes? To forgive and forget and not hold grudges. Aren’t we not suppose to judge others but help them instead?

I know that nobody is perfect and I know that everyone will do something against the Christian faith but what I don’t agree with are the ones who jump up and down saying “Here I am – a Christian – be like me” and yet they are far from what a Christian should really be like. I can overlook the ones who commit minor sins – because after all we are all sinners – but I have no respect for those committing adultery while preaching to others how a Christian is suppose to live their lives.

While I am a Christian – an immature Christian – I do not know everything it takes to be a God-honoring Christian however, I don’t go around cheating on my husband (and never would). I do on the other hand tend to have a sailor-like mouth and I do have a temper at times and I don’t always treat my husband with the respect that I should. Although I am not yet where I should be in my relationship with God, I don’t think of myself as a bad person either. I would be shocked if someone came up to me and honestly told me that I was a horrible person because I’ve always tried to treat others right; I’ve always tried to do the right things in life. I’ve just begun my journey and I know there are a lot of things I need to work on before I start jumping up and down saying “look at me – do as I do” because if someone looked at me and really examined my life as a Christian they would wonder – how are they any different than me? I don’t want someone to look at my life and say they don’t need God in their life based on my actions. So until I get my life in order don’t look at me as a model quite yet – I’m just learning.