Actions Speak Louder

Actions Speak Louder Than Words…a phrase we have all said or heard before but we still don’t live by it. I’ve had this discussion with my husband many times because he is a “words” guy and I am an “actions” girl. I need proof to believe something to be true. Little background here…my ex-husband was a compulsive liar and I could never trust what he said to be true so when Mark and I got together I made it known that he was always going to be completely honest with me and let me know everything upfront or I wasn’t even going to give him the time of day. He quickly gave in and allowed me to snoop through everything that way everything was out in the open and would make the future so much easier without having surprises regarding the past. Because I know his past I also know what could potentially happen in the future since history tends to repeat itself and now that my life is interwoven with his I don’t think it is unreasonable to protect our relationship from potential harm.

I tend to be very self conscious and remember one day during one discussion about actions vs. words I discovered how different my husband and I think. He said that I should KNOW that he loves me because he comes home every day. I can think of several reasons as to how this does not prove one’s love.
1. It’s easier to come home then not
2. Come home for the kids
3. Don’t have the means NOT to come home
4. Responsibility
5. You’re tolerant
I can keep going but I think I made my point. While I do KNOW my husband loves me it is nice to be shown every once in a while. Saying “I love you” can easily become habit and not really mean the same thing that it once did. I’m a firm believer that you have to keep your relationship a priority or before you know it you become “Tolerant” of each other and that is now way to live your life. I like to feel loved and how I feel love is through actions…not words. While this is true I also feel loved by the actions of putting down words (cards/poems/little notes etc).

As any woman may know, after you have a baby your body is different and sometimes we need some reassurance that we are still thought to be attractive or that we still hold our husband’s attention. I’ve expressed this concern to my husband countless times and every time I get words…no actions. He will say things like “but honey, you ARE beautiful” and “I do want you” but there are never any actions to speak for it. Perhaps this is the difference between men and women cause I can think of many ways of SHOWING your spouse that you are still wanted but I am still in my 20’s and possibly that is the difference.

Feeling like I come first is another thing that I struggle with a lot especially with everything that already goes on in life. Saying that I come first is again, just words. I’ve been having a hard time with this one. So many changes happen when a baby comes into the picture, nothing is ever about you anymore. I am constantly doing things for others to make sure they know they are important and that I love and respect them but I don’t get the same in return. When a child comes into the picture it is very hard to find time for yourself, let alone find time to spend developing your relationship with your spouse so you have to MAKE time. As my husband has said time and time again – “Life happens” and because that is true is more reason why you have to actually set time aside for what you need to do. What is more important – checking email or spending time with your spouse? Taking that “chatty” phone call or having a nice dinner with your family? I think so many times worldly possessions and entertainment take away from your family. I’ve been begging to get rid of the cable – for one it saves money, it keeps from letting the kids watch too much, and it allows more time to find things to do with your family. I remember as a kid I use to love when the power went out because we would play games as a family – now it’s been so long since we did any of it I don’t even remember how to play.

Perhaps there are some things I need to let go of to be happy with my life. Maybe I shouldn’t put so much importance on actions and let words be the actions. I know I have issues regarding “proof” of feelings and need to let go of some of that but I also believe that there is a sense of compromise that must be made for everyone to be secure in their relationships. I feel that there are some actions that have to do the talking for kid’s sake because you can say anything to them and if they don’t see it then what do they have to model after? How do you want your kids to conduct their marriages? Where do they learn about relationships? Look at your life through a child’s eyes and see if you still like it - if not then make your actions a little louder.

Who I want to be…

I’ve been thinking A LOT about who I am and who I WANT to be. I don’t consider myself a bad person by any means and I don’t think I am a horrible mom, wife, or friend but there is definitely room for improvement. At times I am selfish, bitter, hateful, and inconsiderate and at those times I hate who I am. I don’t want to be that kind of person.

I want to be a mother that my kids will be happy to have…

Patient
Kind
Fun
Honest
Loving
Responsible
Attentive
Easy going
Selfless

I feel like I fall short of these qualities at times – I get tired or stressed and I take it out on my kids. I want my kids to respect me, listen to me, come to me when there is a problem but how do I promote this if I lose my temper or don’t have the time to spend with them? I want to raise my kids to be well rounded, respectable adults. I want them to be kind and accepting of others but I have to change myself to model how they are to grow up. I have to watch my temper, I have to watch my words, I have to watch my actions otherwise it does not matter what I preach because they will follow in my footsteps.

I want to be a wife that my husband can be proud of…

Respectful
Trustworthy
Outgoing
Pleasant
Passionate
Sexy

I don’t want to be the nagging wife that my husband will never want to be around. I don’t want to be hateful, I don’t want to be angry, I don’t want to bring him down…I want to be a woman he can’t wait to come home and see, that he will never get tired of, that he will never leave.

I want to be a person that anyone would be honored to call a friend…

Dependable
Caring
Interesting
Supportive
Accepting
Giving
Positive

I want to be a friend who one can confide anything to, who can be trusted, and who is there when I’m needed and even when I’m not. I want to be the kind of person who brings you soup when you are sick, who won’t think twice about helping out. I want to be the kind of person who is good at giving advice and lifting up your spirit when things are going wrong. I want to be the best I can possibly be...

Please help me become a better person. If I’m falling short, pick me back up and set me on the right path and call me out on it. Becoming the best person I can possibly be takes work and I’m going to give it all I have but sometimes I might not be strong enough to realize what I am doing wrong.

Sister Wives

Sister wives…while I would NEVER approve of my husband having more than one wife (besides it being illegal and against my morals of marriage) I am in a roundabout way a sister wife. Before you think I’ve converted to Mormonism let me explain. I’ve been watching the show Sister Wives and the idea of each of the women taking care of the other children as their own isn’t that far off from being a step-parent. If you really think about it, you have a guy who had a previous relationship with someone else, had a child, who is now part of your family. In a perfect situation everyone in the past and present relationships would get along and raise the child or children because they all have the same agenda – to raise a happy, healthy child to be a well rounded adult – right?

Perhaps it’s my nature not to want to fight with people and live with the Golden Rule of treating everyone fairly and equally. I don’t think that just because relationships don’t work out sometimes does not mean that you have to hold hostility towards them and anyone else they might begin or have a relationship with. I understand the hesitance of a mother allowing another woman to step up and say “hey, I’m a parent too” because I wouldn’t want to do it but if something ever happened between Mark and myself I would want a close relationship with the woman who would be helping him raise my daughter when I wasn’t around. I would rather get to know the woman and have that friendly atmosphere rather than my child see hostility there. Why make the situation any more difficult?

I have seen parents try to make the other parent’s life miserable just because they could and I don’t understand the logic behind it. Our situation has sometimes turned heads because Little Mark’s mom and myself had been able to get along (most of the time a lot better than she and Mark did) and we were able to work out issues with each other. People thought that was weird and I find myself thinking it’s weird NOT to do what you can to keep peace in your family.

All in all, if you haven’t seen the show I would actually suggest you watch a few episodes. Yes – some of it is different but all in all it shows that anyone can get along – even women whose husband is sleeping with each of them.

Just a quick warning for my husband – there will NEVER be another woman romantically in your life so DON’T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT.

Holidays - what they are REALLY about...

What is Thanksgiving and Christmas?

Thanksgiving - I get so aggravated with people who think Thanksgiving is all about a big meal – REALLY? It’s about spending quality time with your family and friends, about giving thanks for what you have (as in your family and friends – not material things). So many people love Thanksgiving because the next day is BLACK FRIDAY and they can get up at o’dark thirty and go shopping for Christmas.

Christmas – a time meant to celebrate the birth of Christ but has now become more about Santa Clause and presents. You can’t even say Merry Christmas now without offending someone – I’m sorry but if you are going to be offended by that then don’t leave your house for the month of December. Why does Christmas have to be about how much money you can spend rather than the important things?

Growing up mama always made sure we had a good Christmas, and yes, as a kid I enjoyed it, but I too was very appreciative of what I had. I never counted all my presents to make sure I had equal or more than I did the year before and it irritates me more than anything else to see kids do that. To me, when kids are counting their gifts then they have not been taught what Christmas is really about. I am so aggravated with how spoiled kids are becoming – getting toy after toy all the time then at Christmas you have to go above and beyond so they have a “good Christmas.”

I remember learning about a friend of mine who got one present on Christmas and was floored that was all she got – but she was very appreciative of it and didn’t complain. Why can’t we all be that way? Make it about being with family rather than material things.

How many times has Christmas ended and kids not even know what they got because they got so much? How many toys are broken on the same day? How many gifts are never taken out of boxes because your kids didn’t like the toy? How much money is thrown away because you are trying to keep up with everyone else?

Now that I have a daughter I want her to grow up knowing the true meaning of these holidays and not about how much STUFF she will get. I don’t want her to expect a toy every time we go shopping or complain if she didn’t get what she wanted. I would much rather give her memories rather than STUFF. I’d rather her think of others first. I want her to be happy and things don’t do that – things are only temporary where family and friends are forever.

My heart is with you

The emotions are still very alive in me – the worry of my newborn daughter being sick and you had to keep her in her own special light box – the sadness I felt, being alone at the hospital…waiting for her to get better – the anguish of hearing her cry as the nurses stabbed her foot for the umpteenth time to draw blood. I told my husband I was fine, that I could handle it on my own and that he had a son who needed him too, but I lied; I cried so much that first night. As a new mother I didn’t know what to do, how to act, what questions to ask. I’ve never had to make medical decisions for someone else before and yet here I was – caring for someone who couldn’t take care of themselves. I felt like a failure, like I had done something wrong for us being where we were even though in my head I knew this happened a lot and it couldn’t have been prevented.

Fast forward 2 months and here we are again…the hospital…my little girl is sick and nobody knows from what. Again all those emotions are present. I knew for sure I had done something wrong…maybe I let someone sick get too close to her, or maybe I didn’t have her bundled up warm enough, or even maybe I ate something wrong and that’s what caused her to be sick. I remember the screaming all night long from the hunger pains I knew she had to have since she was not allowed to eat. Again I lied and said I could handle it on my own. I don’t know what was worse, holding her and not being allowed to feed her or two months ago of only holding her long enough TO feed her. The talk of potential surgery terrified me – again I didn’t know what to do but to sit there with her as she slowly got better.

My daughter spent a total of 5 days in the hospital since she has been born and for both visits I felt like it was the end of the world. I knew I had it easy compared to so many other parents out there who fight every day for their child’s life but in that moment none of it mattered. The experience was terrifying for me and I can only imagine what it must be like for you. My daughter had jaundice and a stomach bug while your son has a very sick heart – it almost seems incomparable. I know your pain, at least a small part of it, and pray for you to keep your strength for your baby boy’s sake.

Please keep baby Thomas in your thoughts. Although I don’t personally know this family I know that they need all the prayers they can get. You can read more about baby Thomas HERE.

There are so many sick children out there that we tend to forget about. I’m ashamed to admit that had I not had a small dosage of what so many families go through I probably would have never given thought to anyone outside my family. I vow to never be as close minded and naive as I once was and will always have a special place for these families in my heart.

To My Daughter on her FIRST Birthday

My daughter, you are one today. My little baby is gone and here you are – a big girl. You walk and talk, you sing and dance, you know how to take your shoes and socks off and how to hold your foot still for mama to put them back on. I can't help but smile when you jump up and down in your crib with excitement when I walk into the room to get you out for the day. You even listen when mommy or daddy tells you to do something (ie “give mommy the dog food out of your mouth”). You are the most precious gift God could have ever given us.

I remember the day you were born. When you came out I asked everyone in the room if you were beautiful and not an ugly baby. They laughed at me and assured me that you were the most beautiful in the world. You were so small and fit right into my arms – you were born to lay right there. You were so happy to be in mommy’s arms that you even pooped on me – twice but it was ok, I loved every minute.

We took you home that same day but first we bundled you up so you wouldn’t get cold and took you to Mommy’s office so everyone could see you. They thought you were beautiful too. As the days went on we had to take you to the hospital because you were sick. You were a champ; you didn’t complain (much) and you sunbathed under the special lights like a little diva. It wasn’t long until you came home again and we began our first year together.

I use to rock you for hours, long after you fell off to dream world and watch you sleep (I still do). I would wake up late at night and go to where you slept and watch you just to make sure you were breathing. Mommy’s bath times turned into Mommy/baby bath times and every time I got in the tub Daddy brought you to me so you could play. You LOVED taking baths – you use to kick your little feet, splashing water all over the bathroom. I told you it was ok because you made Mommy’s job of cleaning the floors easy since the water was already there.

We took you on your first trip out of state right after Christmas and I got onto Daddy a lot because I was scared he wouldn't pay enough attention to the road, after all, I had VERY precious cargo in that car. You were a very good girl for the whole trip and everyone in Alabama LOVED you. They almost wouldn’t let you leave because they wanted to keep you all to their selves.

I was so excited when you rolled over for the first time. That excitement quickly turned into dread because I was afraid I would forget you could roll over and you would get hurt. Then you started to sit up like a big girl and were very proud to do it too. It wasn’t long until you started eating big girl food too. You loved your food – every time food was around you would open your sweet little mouth for a bite. The doctor said as long as we gave you soft food you could have it so that’s what we did. You had your baby food and mashed potatoes (maybe gravy a time or two as well) and even pudding.

We were in Louisiana when you cut your very first tooth. You were very fussy, as was Mommy because Daddy was at home and I didn’t know what to do, so I gave you a popsicle and that worked great. When you finished your popsicle your tooth was through the gums. I told EVERYONE about your first tooth – you were such a big girl. That even earned you a piece of chocolate chip cookie for your hard work.

Next you started to crawl – but you didn’t crawl like other babies. You did a crab crawl…you put one foot out and drug the other leg behind so your knees never touched the ground. Once you figured out you could move you were into EVERYTHING. I got scared that I wouldn’t be able to find everything on the floor before you did and I was right. One day you were by the front door with something in your mouth and when I took it out I saw it was a dead dried up frog. We washed your mouth out with lots of water afterwards.

You started to pull yourself up on things and not much longer you were standing up all by yourself. You thought it was so cool to pull yourself up and knock everything off the tables but it was ok...that stuff didn't belong there anyway.

When you were a little older than 10 months you took your first steps at one of your brother’s soccer practices and Mommy was SOOOO proud. You quickly got the hang of the walking thing and now you are running!

I can’t believe how much you have changed since you were born just a year ago. My favorite thing you have done is when you FINALLY started to say “Mama.” Just thinking about that brings tears to my eyes. I know you saved that word for last because you knew it was so special to Mommy.
I can’t wait for the time we get to continue to have together and I promise you will always be my baby girl and I will always love you more than anything else. You were once a tiny little caterpillar in my tummy but now you are my beautiful butterfly.

I love you baby girl,

Love,
Mama

Colleen's Birth Story - Grammy's POV

The day my baby became a mother.
November 8th just before lunch I had just sent Tara to run some errands for me while I watched the boys and Tanya called and said that she thought she was in labor, as a mom I asked her questions to see how far along the labor was, decided it would be best to have her with me and since Tara was in town she went over to get her. After a little while Tanya called the midwives to see if they wanted her to come in and be checked, which they did. So off went Tara and Tanya with directions to call me if it was time. The call came but it was to tell me that she wasn’t far enough to stay, so they were going to the mall for something to eat and walk. After a short stay at the mall they went back to the midwife center where it still wasn’t time so home they came.

The contractions got more painful and closer together. Mark arrived and off they went once again to the midwife center and the rest of us followed, Tanya thought that I drove fast, I think Mark broke speed records, since they got there and Nancy had checked her by the time we got there.

It’s hard to watch your child in pain and you know there is nothing you can do to help but just try to keep her comfortable. Tanya walked and walked and got in the tub, while in the tub she was texting her friends, keeping everyone informed on what was going on. Gabby, Tanya’s best friend and part of the family, was at work and was to get off at 1:00 a.m. Tanya talked to her and told her she didn’t think that Colleen was going to wait for her to get there, so Gabby left work and arrived around 10:00 p.m. and she helped Tanya swing her hips as they walked and walked around the building, trying to get Colleen in position. Then Tanya wanted to get back in the tub, contractions were getting to the point of unbearable and it was time to start pushing. Tanya couldn’t push hard enough, so Nancy suggested that someone get in the tub with her, well before anyone could volunteer, Gabby had her clothes off and was in the tub, I have never seen anyone get undressed so fast. After a short stay in the tub things weren’t moving along so it was decided to get out and on the bed. Mark had one leg and I had the other and Tanya pushed for hours. Colleen’s little head would crown and as soon as she stopped pushing she went back out of sight. Finally, I know my baby was tired and just wanted to get her out, with the last bit of strength she had she pushed and oh my Colleen came flying out and landed on the bed. After Nancy started checking her out and gave her a little oxygen and she was in her mommy’s arms. Tara said did anyone look at the time that Colleen was born, that’s when it was called 1:54 a.m. on November 9th 2010.

Of course everyone in the room was crying and her dad who had been in one of the other rooms finally came in to see our newest grandbaby. She was so small and beautiful, with all her fingers and toes.

I am and always will be so proud of what a great mom Tanya has become.

Colleen's Birth Story - Mark's aka Dada POV

The Princess’ Arrival
November 8, 2011

Ahh, the birth of a child, a TRUE GIFT FROM GOD. So there we were with the due date coming closer and closer, as in the projected date was TODAY. Was I excited? Yea. As usual I had a ton of other stuff going on this day as well. Range training with a client in the morning and Court at night. Funny thing, when Mark Jr. was born it was the same thing.

So there I was at the range with a client working on the intricate skills of fine tuning a rifle and matching it up to its owner, the Paw in Law was there as well, Tanya was taking the day off to rest and had her mom and sister close by for assistance and of course she okayed me working, said she’d let me know if anything happened. All was okay.

Tanya gave me text and let me know she was going in to do a checkup and Tara was taking her so Randy and I started to finish up our range work, just in case. Tanya ended up texting me back letting me know she was not quite dilated enough and that the Midwife suggested she do some walking. She and Tara left for the Mall (go figure). I wrapped up my stuff and drove down to meet them at the Mall. At about 2pm we went back to the Midwife for another checkup. Still not time…..

We got back home and I got ready for court. Debated about cancelling at the last minute but Tanya said it was good, she would call me if she needed me so away I went to court. As it would have it, I completed my last court case when Tanya sent me a text letting me know “it was time”. I left court and went to her parent’s house (where she was) and away we all went caravanning to the Midwife Center.

Upon arrival it was business as usual, get chart, take vitals, get settled into the room and WAIT. Tanya was dilated enough to stay until Colleen was born and the Born on date was projected to be November 8 so all was on schedule, it was now around 8:30 pm. The girls were working on laps around the office since that seemed to make Tanya more comfortable. Randy and I just did what seemed natural – STAY out of the WAY of extremely Hormonal and Emotional women. Oh yea, I did frequently ask if there was anything I could do to help, or can I get you something, and I did sit with her and rub her back and neck, but for the most part, I tried to help without getting in the way. Randy and I opted to sit in the hall and munch on deer jerky and wait and wait and wait.

Tanya had invited her best friend Gabby to come be a part of the blessing and she did arrive. After some time Tanya got into the Hot Tub to help her relax and hopefully help the baby get more into the correct delivery position. The midwife came in and broke her water which brought on more discomfort. The midwife suggested that maybe someone consider getting in the tub with her to support her from behind. I was already behind her supporting her head and thought to myself, yea I’ll do that. Before I could even get up and think about getting in Gabby was down to her skivvies and in the water- talk about no bashfulness – I saw another side of Gabby I had never seen before, and I was impressed. No not for the reason one would think (ha ha get your mind out of the gutter, we’re having a baby here) No I was thoroughly impressed that without any thought or concerns Gabby would do anything needed for HER FRIEND. Yep, Gabby scored MEGA points with me on this night. I even told her so. You see Gabby and I are on absolute opposing preverbal poles. She is an extremely far left liberal and I am a hard core Conservative so we always discuss politics anytime we are in a room together (which drives Tanya nuts by the way) BUT for her, regardless of our political differences of opinions, to step up to the plate like that for a friend of hers says volumes about her dedication to the people she cares for. THAT’S what REAL friends do, and for that, we can continue to agree to disagree about politics BUT if you mess with her You HAVE to go through ME first and I ain’t no pushover. KUDO’s Gabby.

Now back to Colleen’s arrival. After a while, and many laps around the office, the time finally came. Our little girl was ready to enter our world. Tanya was of course in pain and wanting her to come on but Colleen had other plans. She wanted to play a little hide and seek and peek- a- boo for a while. She’d stick her little head out, look around, then decide to go hide again. Tanya was clearly in pain but she absolutely refused to take any meds. She did refer to me with numerous comments about how this was somehow all my fault and of course she also made a few comments about how she wanted to open up a can of whoop ass on me (paraphrasing to keep it PG rated) but I have to give her credit, 19 hours of labor with no meds proves to me she tough. Finally the moment came, Colleen Elizabeth Rich entered our world (she was late, Princesses must always arrive fashionably late, so she missed her due date by 1 hour and 54 minutes) and has made us the happiest parents on the planet. Tanya made sure she was all okay; she counted her fingers and toes 3 times then made me count and recount. Yep everything was good. After all of the emotional congrats from everyone and the little girl getting all of her medical checks squared away, I cut the cord and so begins the next journey.

I am proud of my family, my son, my wife and my daughter. I wouldn’t want it any other way. I am proud of my extended family, my in-laws and sister in law for they are all great and we have all grown together over time and yes I am proud of Gabby for she has shown everyone what a TRUE FRIEND is. Each day I look at my family and I am reminded that all of this is truly a blessing from GOD and I thank him for that. Stay tuned for more to come, for as we celebrate Colleens first birthday we can now move to the next chapter, the growing years, and reflect on all that makes our world go around.

To read more of Colleen's birth stories...
Tanya's (aka Mama) POV

Gabrielle's POV

Colleen's Birth Story - Gabrielle's POV

Tonight I got to be in the room when one of my best friends gave birth. I want to write down everything now, while it’s still fresh in my mind.

Tanya texted me early this afternoon to tell me I was on call, and that she was headed to the Midwife Clinic. At the time I was hanging out with my old friend Angel, who is in town this week showing off her new baby. So it was really a day of babies. I kept in contact with Tanya all day. She actually went back home for a while because she wasn’t dilated enough, so I headed to work at 4:30 like usual. When I talked to her on my first break she was in the middle of contractions and headed back to the Clinic. I had a feeling I’d be leaving work early (thank goodness for flextime!). I told her to keep me updated and let me know when I should leave. I called again right before my lunch break and spoke with her sister, Tara, who told me Tanya was in the tub and hard labor was going to happen at some point and she’d call me when I needed to come.

Tanya texted me a little after 9:30 and told me Colleen wasn’t going to make it ‘til 1:00 (which is when I was scheduled to get off work). I told her I’d leave work at 10:00, and I did. I asked her if she wanted me to bring her anything, and she requested popsicles. Of course all of the grocery stores in the vicinity close really early, so there was nothing open. I felt bad to get there empty handed - I actually knocked on the window of Food Lion in Pooler and looked really tragic but they weren’t impressed. They were closed. So I drove to the Clinic. Sped a bit ;).

I had to call for directions on how to turn into the building - you have to drive in by the KFC, go around another building, and you’ll find yourself there. Tara was nice enough to let me in. Tanya was up walking around, trying to encourage Colleen to come out more quickly. Tanya’s mom was there, along with Tara’s 2 twin baby boys, Tanya’s dad, and her husband, Mark. The men were hiding in a room in the back, somewhat overwhelmed. Tanya was in good spirits even though she was having really painful contractions like 5 minutes apart. I ate some deer jerky & grapes (snacks were provided, haha) and walked around with Tanya. The building is in a square shape with a hallway going all the way around, so we were sashaying because she had to get her hips moving. We were sort of dancing and Tara was taking an endless amount of pictures.

Tanya was really starting to suffer and went to lay down for a while. I rubbed the small of her back with some warming lubricant while her mom rubbed her back. She was kneeling on the bed by now to try to move the baby in a better position. Then after a bathroom break and plenty more contractions, she got into the jacuzzi tub, where she planned to give birth. (Sidenote: midwife clinics are so the way to go - why does anyone go to a hospital unless they have to?!) The midwife thought she looked really uncomfortable the way she was sitting, which she did, and said someone should get in the tub with her and support her. I volunteered, stripped down to my bra and underwear, and dove in, if you will. Keep in mind Tanya is totally naked at this point, and her husband Mark is in the room, along with her mom, her sister, and one or both of her sister’s babies. It is absolutely mind-boggling how pregnancy makes being naked totally okay.

So I got in the tub and Tanya sat in front of me, her back to my stomach. And I held her hand and supported her arms while she pushed. There were fluids floating around (the midwife fished them out with a little fishing net, I swear to god) and Tanya was so miserable. I felt so awful for her. She was just in so much pain, she was delirious. She kept snapping at poor Mark who was really trying his best. She just couldn’t let go & couldn’t relax & let the baby come so she kind of took it out on him (but I don’t think he took it too personally). She squeezed my fingers pretty hard and my arms kind of went numb for a while but I wasn’t moving for anything. The midwife checked the baby’s heart rate very regularly (until the nurse came and then she took over) and was concerned when it was slowing a little. She had Tanya sit up some which helped a little but the decision was finally made to move her to the bed.

After we both got out of the tub, I changed into some dry underwear, threw on a robe, and came back into the room. Tanya was on the bed with her mom on one side and Mark on the other, with Tara and I as observers and occasional procurers of water and cold cloths. Tanya was straight up in some misery. She had been crying in the tub and wanting the baby to come out, but the midwife super calmly told her Colleen was taking her time and this was her first baby so she was blazing the trail. I may have made a really lame Oregon Trail reference here. This midwife, by the way, was so reassuring. She has been running this clinic for literally 23 years, and she was calm and chill and you could tell she’d help women giver birth literally hundreds of times. My cousin is a midwife in Germany and she came and did an internship with her like 10 years ago and the midwife remembered her, it was neat :).

So now comes the for real pushing part. She had been doing some pushing in the tub, but due to positioning it just wasn’t working for her. So when she’s on the bed she’s now pushing with every contraction and yelling & moaning a little bit (but not as much as I expected - I would have been cursing a blue streak). I’d been texting Scott & Ramsey all night with updates and of course when I was in the tub I was not texting, so when I finally checked my phone I’d gotten 3 super impatient texts from Scott demanding updates ;). I told him “sorry in labor!” and then sent him updates in between each contraction. They were coming almost constantly at this point.

Watching the head try to peek its way out has got to be one of the most exciting things I’ve ever witnessed. Like, Tanya had been walking around for 9 months getting bigger & bigger, and I went to her shower, and I felt Colleen’s limbs from the outside, but now she was seriously busting loose! I kept thinking it was like she was busting out of jail ;). Tanya was pushing like crazy with every contraction (you have to push like you’re taking a shit, seriously, and don’t scream out of your lungs because it wastes the energy you could be using to PUSH). She had to take lots of rests in between because omg so much work! I’d gotten there at 10:30 and by this time it was after 1:00 in the morning. Mark had made a personal bet that she’d be out by then but that was not the case.

Finally, right towards the end, I was able to see more and more of her head. And then all of a sudden she gave this huuuuuge push and BAM there was a BABY. Like, where there hadn’t been one before! Just all messy and attached and kinda whimpering and at this point the floodgates opened and I just started sobbing like crazy. I just stood there and cried. It was absolutely one of the most emotional moments of my life. It’s absolutely indescribable. Tanya just looked so overwhelmed and there was a BABY and Colleen cried a little bit and they dried her off and cleared out her lungs and her nose and suddenly everyone was taking pictures. All I could do was send out a text message saying, “she’s here! it’s amazing” and cry some more. I probably cried off and on for a good 10 minutes, and I’m not really a crier like that, unless it’s a movie or a book.

I really desperately wanted Ramsey to be there holding me, but he obviously couldn’t be there (although he did send me some really sweet texts) so I grabbed Mark and gave him a huge hug. We were both pretty emotional. He told me later that even though I was a “flaming bleeding heart liberal” (Mark and I bicker constantly about politics, he’s a gun-toting Fox News aficionado) that if anyone tried to hurt me, he’d come after them. It was incredibly sweet and I was touched. We’d actually been “discussing” politics much earlier in the night; when Tanya heard us from the bathroom she told her sister to tell us to stop talking politics. It was pretty funny.

So back to Colleen. Some newborns (many newborns) are not especially cute. They’re kind of weird and alien-like. Not this baby. She is absolutely gorgeous. I don’t even think it’s because I’m biased. I genuinely think she’s a really cute baby. When I finally got up close and got to see her snuggled up against Tanya, I just couldn’t stop smiling and of course I started crying a little bit again. Mark snapped some pictures while I’m all emotional in my robe; I’m sure those’ll be pretty great.

Colleen was born right around 1:54 and I think she shit on her mom like 10 minutes later, no exaggeration. Oh and did I mention the placenta?! I’ve always been kind of weirdly fascinated by it, and it just looks so gross and awesome all at the same time, I feel like a 13 year old boy when I see it. Mark cut the cord, which I photographed, then we all stood around for a while as the nurse and the midwife did some medical type stuff. Colleen figured out breast-feeding and Tanya took it like a trooper, she said it didn’t really hurt, but after labor what the hell is some pinching on your nipples anyway?

I changed back into my clothes and hung out a little bit longer, chatting with Tanya and feeding her some crackers. I ate a slice of Domino’s meat lover’s pizza before I left. I finally walked out the door around 3:00 in the morning, and I truly feel like I walked out a changed woman. I know lots of women all over the world give birth every day, but it really is a miracle. It’s absolutely astounding, really.

To read more of Colleen's Birth Story read My POV

Colleen's Birth Story

What started out as playing hookie from work to relax at home before my little girl arrived turned into 18 hours of labor and a 7 pound 14 ounce 20 inch long baby girl.

November 8th 2010

This morning I did not want to get out of bed and go to work, so I did what any 9 month pregnant woman would do on her due date; I called work and told them I was too tired to come to work today and officially began my maternity leave. Around nine I got out of bed and moved to the couch in the living room and turned on the TV. Nothing interesting was on so I looked through the DVR and found one of my favorite movies to watch, Pretty Woman. I barely made it 15 minutes into the movie before the contractions became noticeably consistent (they started earlier but I was use to the fake ones at this point). I turned on the computer and opened the contraction counter website I found a few weeks before and began timing them. By the time the horse race scene came on my contractions were 5 minutes apart and were lasting about 30-45 seconds each.

I called mom just to let her know I was pretty sure I was in labor and she, being the woman she is, began to panic. I was thankful she wasn’t at my house at this moment otherwise she would have killed us going to the Birth Center. Tara was in town running some errands for mama so I got dressed while I waited for her to arrive to take me to get checked out.
We got to the Birth Center a little past eleven and I was put on the monitors which confirmed I was indeed having contractions. Nancy, the midwife, came in to check how dilated I was, 2.5 centimeters. Not enough to officially say I was in active labor yet so we were given instructions to go get some food and walk around for a little while then come back in about an hour and get rechecked. So we did and everywhere we went Tara had to tell everyone I was in labor so we didn’t get much walking done due to having to talk to EVERYONE.

Mark met up with us at the mall, he couldn’t stand being away, and I rode with him back to the Birth Center. I was rechecked and it was determined that I had not progressed any more. Nancy sent us home with new instructions. When my contractions became a lot more painful and I was a lot less happy it was time to come back. She said sometimes it takes several trips sometimes to get it right. We left disappointed knowing we had to go back home and wait it out. Mark went home to change for work (he had court that night) while me and Tara headed to mama’s house so I wouldn't be alone.

I spent most of the next few hours lying on mama’s couch hugging a pillow trying to stay strong as the contractions worsened. I attempted to eat some pizza but was not very interested in it. I kept looking at my watch, waiting for Mark to get out of court before I went back to the Birth Center, because I knew this baby was coming tonight. At this point I was getting scared, what if me waiting for Mark was going to make me too late to get to the Birth Center? Was I going to deliver this baby in the car or at mama’s house??? I kept debating with myself whether or not to call Mark out of court. At 6:30 the contractions had gotten so close together I called Nancy back and we got ready to leave. It would take Nancy almost an hour to get to the Birth Center since she had already made it home for the night. Court finished early and Mark made it to the house in enough time to drive me back to the birth center. The car ride was HORRIBLE!!! The whole crew, Me, Mark, Mama, Tara, and the twins, made it to the Birth Center right at 8:00 and I was now 6.5 centimeters dilated – I was not going home without a baby in my arms. I let Gabrielle know we were here to stay (she was at work) and we told daddy who left his poker game and the mass texts began going out and Facebook was updated. In a few short hours I would be a mommy.

We settled in the room and got comfortable (well everyone else did…there was no me getting comfortable at this point). The tub was filled and I got in which eased some of the pressure of the contractions. Every once in a while I would be rechecked to see how much I had progressed. When I jumped 2 centimeters in an hour I got word to Gabrielle that this baby was not going to wait for her, she was going to have to leave work early if she was going to make the birth.

Nancy had me get out of the tub and start walking around to get the baby into a good position. As I walked around the Birth Center Gabrielle arrived and immediately went into “helper mode.” We sashayed in the halls, stopping only to allow the contractions to run their course. By 11:30 I was fully dilated and ready to push when my body gave me the ques. Nancy called in her nurse and they broke my water to ensure the liquids were clear (otherwise I wouldn’t be able to deliver in the tub) and given the ok to get back in the tub. I thought the contractions were bad before – they escalated after my water was broken.

At one point the baby’s heart beat began to slow and I had to move positions to give her room, which was an awkward position so Nancy suggested someone get into the tub with me. Gabrielle didn’t give her time to finish her sentence before she stripped down to her undergarments and was in the tub with me. It wasn’t long before I knew what the “ring of fire” was and I knew when it was time to push. After pushing and pushing Nancy had me get out of the tub because the baby was not in the right position and had me do some tricks to work her into a good position. I was ready for pain killers at this point but I remembered in one of the classes I took that by the time you think you need medications you are almost done so I opted out of asking for any.

Most of this time was a blur to me; it consisted of changing positions and pushing, moving and pushing. I remember mother telling me she could see the head and I was almost done and I wanted to hit her cause she had to have said the same thing over and over again for an hour. I had Mark on one side holding a leg and mother on the other. I remember yelling at her between contractions because she would let my leg relax and I didn’t want it to be relaxed…I wanted it sturdy. I remember thinking “She is never going to come out” I began to panic because I didn’t know what they were going to have to do to get this baby out and it was then I pushed as hard as I could and she was here. I remember asking “is she here?” several times before I got an answer.

She was here in my arms – my precious baby girl! Born on November 9, 2010 at 1:54 a.m.

For more of Colleen's Birth Story read Gabrielle's POV.

The Birth Center vs. Hospitals

With my daughter’s first birthday coming up I’ve been thinking a lot about the birth center where I delivered her. I’ve had several people ask me what it was like to deliver my baby there rather than at a hospital and I tell them all the same thing – it was a wonderful experience and would recommend anyone to have their babies there.

When I first thought about having my baby at the Birth Center it was strictly based on finances; we did not have health insurance and therefore would be paying for this out of pocket. For a normal delivery at a hospital the average cost is around $10,000 and the birth center was right at $4,000 (this was with a discount for paying it all up front). It didn’t take long to figure out that I would deliver my baby there even if I had the best insurance offered because it was so wonderful.

The only real experience I had with a traditional OBGYN office was through my sister. I went with her to a few of her first appointments and we waited so long to be seen and the doctor was very “doctor like”, not the least bit personal. At the Birth Center I can only remember one time I waited at it was for a max of 10 minutes and it was only because someone had JUST delivered their baby. The midwives and nurses were very personable and got to know you on a one on one basis. They did not mind how many people came with you to your appointments and classes – they encouraged as much support as you can get.

The Birth Center had classes each month for me to take ranging from taking care of myself to delivery and caring for a newborn whereas my sister did not take any classes – granted since one of her babies was breached she would have a c-section rather than a natural delivery and this may have been a reason she did not take a birthing class.

The midwives are very encouraging regarding waiting your baby out. A baby is considered full term at 36 weeks and are mostly born around 40 weeks. With a doctor they are more willing to force the baby out by inducing before the baby is ready (which is one of the reasons c-section rates are so high) whereas the midwife will do more natural things to help jump start labor after 41 weeks (they won’t let you go past 42 weeks for risk of the baby). Doctors want to induce or encourage women to have a c-section to ensure they don’t have a big baby, whereas the midwives encourage “big babies” – they are easier to push out. My mother delivered me and my sister with no problem and we were both over 10 pounds. Midwives empower women – giving birth is one of the most natural things in the world – why couldn’t we deliver a big baby.

When comes to labor, in a hospital you are limited to staying in your bed where you are hooked up to monitors and cannot eat in case you have to have a c-section whereas at the birth center you are free to roam, get into the tub, eat whatever you want and have anyone and everyone in the room with you. Normally hospitals only allow a maximum of two people in the room with you when you deliver. The Birth Center is set up as close as they can to home so there is little to no intimidation. Labor can be a easy or as hard as you think it is going to be – if your mind is right and you go in thinking the best then it will be a lot better than going in scared and tense. While they do have drugs to help with pain they don’t offer it to you – you have to ask for it. Hospitals start offering drugs as soon as you walk through the door. I for one did not want an epidural (the birth center does not offer an epidural anyway)– the idea of a giant needle being placed in my back gave me the creeps and I’ve heard so many stories from women who had them that wished they didn’t get them because of the side effects they had because of it.

When delivering my daughter I opted not to have pain medication and did it completely natural. Yes it was painful but I handled it just fine and feel stronger knowing that I did it naturally – kind of like a badge of courage. I was confident in the Midwives ability to keep me and my baby safe during the delivery and had there been a problem we were only 8 minutes from the nearest hospital. The midwives know when there is a need to go to the hospital and will not risk a mother or babies life.

Another thing that I loved about the Midwives is they did not take my baby away. In the hospitals they take the babies to the nursery to run tests and to warm them up among other things; well the Midwives performed all the tests they needed to on the bed next to me and only took her long enough to weigh her while I was being cleaned up and it was only for a max of five minutes. This was my little baby and I worked so hard to deliver her and I didn’t want her to be out of my sight let alone gone for hours while nurses left them in their little bassinets while they checked on other babies. A lot of the downfalls of hospitals are because they are liability scared and too busy – thus a benefit of a smaller birthing center. You get that attention you deserve and are not just a number. Having a baby is special and precious and the Birth Center makes sure you have that experience.

For more information on the Birth Center visit their website.

My Best Friend

My best friend – Gabrielle Micale – has been one of the most influential people in my life and I have not given her the credit she deserves.

I moved to Georgia in 8th grade and Gabrielle was one of the first people who introduced themselves to me in gym class. She was very friendly and LOUD – not shy in the least bit unlike little mousy me. I was use to hiding in the shadows thanks to my bottle cap glasses (which my husband named my Hootie Owl glasses) but by this point I got contacts but the shyness didn’t disappear overnight. The next day she was the only person I could remember their name since I associated it with Gabrielle off Xena the Warrior Princess (gosh it has been a long time since I’ve seen that show) so thus our friendship began. She introduced me into her group “the Fab Five” and we all became friends. That was until the dreaded LETTER…you see we had a project we did together and she failed to do her part on time and it irritated me so much I wrote her the infamous LETTER basically calling her out. We eventually got over it but it was miserable during that off time cause all my friends were her friends first.

We made it to high school and made lots of great memories including late night trips to McDonalds for French fries and ice cream, Yummy Yummy chicken, and had even bought $0.23 worth of gas. There were lots of sleepovers, crazy birthday parties and of course we can’t forget about the kitchen sink.

After High School life pulled us into different directions. I stayed home and got a job and went to school at night and she went an hour away to school, which at the time seemed so far away. I ended up getting married and although I had my sister be my Maid of Honor, she was great, helping me the whole way. Although I don’t remember her exact speech at the reception I remember it was AWESOME.

I remember when she came into town to tell me about her relationship that she couldn’t tell me over the phone. I think she was a little shocked when I didn’t have anything negative to say when she said “HER name is…” I don’t know what she really expected me to do – she was my best friend – there was no way I was giving her up because she had a different choice in partner than I did. My husband at the time had a lot to say and we would fight ALL THE TIME about her choice. I flat out told him once that if he made me choose between him and my friendship that he would be the one to go. This is the time where my backbone began to grow. I made the choice to stand up to him when he DEMANDED that she never come into HIS house because she was going to turn me gay – of all the ignorant things a person could say…REALLY??? (There is a reason I’m not married to him anymore).

Gabrielle has been there through all the good and bad times in my life. She was even there for both of my weddings and the birth of my daughter. She has always looked out for me, sheltering me from certain things so I wouldn’t be uncomfortable or scared. She has taught me how to speak my mind and how to break out of my little turtle shell I liked to hide in (cause if you hang around her enough that loudness rubs off on you). Anytime I need advice, she is the one I call. She is the kind of friend that people long to have and if you don’t know her – you really should because she is truly one of a kind.

So what can I do to make sure she knows I appreciate her – I dedicate a blog post to her!

Being a Cop’s Wife

There are a few advantages of being a Cop’s wife…
1. The work rotation leaves several days during the week off so there is no need to pay a sitter.
2. The security of knowing that your husband knows what to do in a dangerous or emergency situation.
3. The confidence of your husband’s driving skills with your family in the car – since after all he drives all day long with no problem and can keep the car on the road going 100+ mph in a chase.
4. Hand cuffs are always readily available for kinky sex (I’m Kidding – but just as a quick plug - my mom does sell Surprise Parties if you ever wanted fuzzy cuffs or anything else like that).

There are also many disadvantages of being a Cop’s wife…
1. Bad shifts – although we have an advantage that Mark rarely works a night shift he does have to work many holidays that we have to work around.
2. Negativity – sometimes when people find out you are married to a cop you get the “I hate cops” speech.
3. Sometimes plans are changed – sure I may have a romantic dinner planned but every once in a while the day doesn’t end at 6 p.m.
4. Potential of your husband having to use deadly force on duty – my husband has had to do this twice in his career – very scary. (See “Fear of Single Parenthood”)
5. Potential of your husband not coming home at all…

Here lately there have been stories upon stories of cops being killed in the line of duty and occasionally even when they were off duty and just trying to help others that they thought were in need. It scares the crap out of me that there are so many people in the world that have no concern of another human’s life. Cops are not the bad guys, they are mothers and fathers, sons and daughters, sisters and brothers just like everyone else in this world. They work every day to keep us safe. Sure you may get pulled over for speeding but whose fault is that that you are breaking the laws and putting other drivers lives at risk??? Not the cops. It is not their fault that you are arrested for breaking the law – it’s yours! You have to live with the consequences of the choices you make. Cops merely do their job and often get a bad rep for it because people think it is unfair that they broke the laws and get caught for it. So many take it to the worst level by killing cops because they are cops. How absurd is that? That’s like someone taking my life because I’m an accountant and they owed taxes this year – stupid right? It’s no more my fault for your tax situation than it’s a cop’s fault that you broke the law.

A cop is more than someone writing tickets and arresting bad guys and if people actually got to know their police officers they would know that. They are the ones helping you when you are in an accident, or when your home is on fire (along side of firefighters), they are the ones running to gun shots when everyone else is running away, they are the ones simply changing your flat tire for the little old ladies who can’t do it themselves, they are the ones keeping your kids from being hit by cars and making sure they make it home safely when they sneak out of the house. There is this stereotypical view that cops are bad. We need to teach our kids the true value of police officer – quit buying them games like Grand Theft Auto where you get into gun battles and run from the police. I’m a firm believer that situations like this numb kids over time to the reality of the situation and they think it’s ok to do things like this in the real world.

I understand that my husband is in a line of work that is dangerous and that one day he might not come home from his shift because some ignorant SOB decided his crimes were more important than my husband’s life or because of an accident. I pray every day that he goes to work that this won’t happen to him but in the back of my mind I know the possibilities of this happening. While sometimes I wish my husband had a different job where I wouldn’t have to worry so much about his safety, I know that this is who he is regardless of a badge or a uniform.

If you don’t get anything out of this post, pay attention to this – this is a man, a son, a brother, a father, and my husband who is out there keeping you safe – don’t take him away because you are selfish – don’t think badly of him or anyone else in his profession because you can’t follow the laws. Pay attention to what you are doing – teach your kids right from wrong – and show respect for those who put their lives on the line to protect yours. They are Heroes!

Ten Secrets to a Successful Marriage

I found list in an article (you can view the story HERE) on Focus on the Family and it fit perfectly into my latest life changing declarations. While I had discovered some of these on my own I still have to work on others.

1. Happiness is not the most important thing. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness will come and go. Successful couples learn to intentionally do things that will bring happiness back when life pulls it away. (This is very true. My daddy use to tell us growing up that nobody can make you happy, you have to choose to be happy. There are times that I feel like I could never make myself happy – usually that happens each month for about 3 days – and during those times I have to ask my husband to PLEASE do something nice for me just so I can have that little boast of happiness.)

2. Couples discover the value in just showing up. When things get tough and couples don't know what to do, they need to hang in there and be there for their spouse. Time has a way of helping couples work things out by providing opportunities to reduce stress and overcome challenges. (I have to work on this – I have a tendency of trying to handle things on my own rather than including my husband and when I can’t do it I get frustrated with him, thinking that he should KNOW that I needed him – sadly my husband cannot read my mind. I have to learn to start asking for help dealing with situations just so he can be there to lean on.)

3. If you do what you always do, you will get same result. Wise couples have learned that you have to approach problems differently to get different results. Often, minor changes in approach, attitude and actions make the biggest difference in marriage. (I can only tell my husband so many times to do something - it's amazing what gets done when I ASK him to do it.)

4. Your attitude does matter. Changing behavior is important, but so is changing attitudes. Bad attitudes often drive bad feelings and actions. (I have been practicing this recently and it has made a big change in my marriage even with it being only a few days into my new outlook on my attitude and how I handle situations. Read "Changing my ways and putting my Husband first")

5. Change your mind, change your marriage. How couples think and what they believe about their spouse affects how they perceive the other. What they expect and how they treat their spouse matters greatly. (Again something I have been working on and has made a big change in my marriage. I have come to realize there is a large difference between how men and women think and without realizing this I would put a lot of blame on my husband for some of the things he did because it is not how I would have done it. I forget sometimes that we are married, which means there are two people here and we needed to figure out how both of us function and work together.)

6. The grass is greenest where you water it. Successful couples have learned to resist the grass is greener myth – i.e. someone else will make me happy. They have learned to put their energy into making themselves and their marriage better. (Both my husband and I have been married and divorced before and are determined not to do it again. I also think that if you are married that you should not put yourself in positions that could potentially create that “grass is greener on the other side” attitude – meaning that if you ever feel attracted towards someone else you need to sever that relationship immediately.)

7. You can change your marriage by changing yourself. Veteran couples have learned that trying to change their spouse is like trying to push a rope – almost impossible. Often, the only person we can change in our marriage is ourselves. (Last week I would have said this was BS – now I would swear by it. There is nothing that I can do to change someone else but I can change myself and how I view things in life.)

8. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Everyday life wears away the "feel good side of marriage." Feelings, like happiness, will fluctuate. But, real love is based on a couple's vows of commitment: "For better or for worse" – when it feels good and when it doesn't. (Read my blog post “Love is a Choice”)

9. Marriage is often about fighting the battle between your ears. Successful couples have learned to resist holding grudges, bringing up the past and remembering that they married an imperfect person – and so did their spouse. (My husband gets onto me sometimes about my tendency of keeping score and he is right (not many times I get to say this) In marriage you have to forgive and forget otherwise you will be 80 years old with a whole lot of hate in your heart.)

10. A crisis doesn't mean the marriage is over. Crises are like storms: loud, scary and dangerous. But to get through a storm you have to keep driving. A crisis can be a new beginning. It's out of pain that great people and marriages are produced. (Because of me and my husband’s “divorce is not an option” mindset we are able to ride out the storms – we might not be happy doing it but it’s not always about being happy right?)

Changing my ways and putting my Husband first...

This past week has been one big rollercoaster; I’ve felt so out of control with everything that has gone on and I’ve been desperately grasping at anything that would give me some feeling of control again. I’m a planner – I have to have a plan in place to function happily and if I feel like there is something unknown I have to do something to try to fix it. A recent discovery regarding my sister and her religious beliefs, or lack thereof, has put my planning gene in hyper drive. I don’t want to wake up in 20+ years and realize that I didn’t do everything I could to ensure my kids grew up the way I wanted them to.

I’ve done a lot of reading this week regarding family, religion, kids, money, etc. and found several things I need to change in my life so my plans for the future will be easier to obtain. After realizing what we needed to do now I had written my husband an email with the some issues I wanted to find solutions for and we could work on them together and get on the same page. When I got home that night I tried to squeeze out of him some answers with no avail. With disgust I went to bed and the next morning someone told me that sometimes we need to just do things ourselves. With this in mind I have been able to see some of my own faults.

The first thing I need to change is putting my husband first. While I always thought I put my husband’s needs first, I did learn a lot of bad habits from my mother regarding how to treat my spouse. I tend to nag and get upset when things are not done when and how I want them done. I’ve rationalized that if my husband really cared he would do it because I want it done. What I failed to realize was while he may not do the task right then I cause more damage to our relationship by complaining about it. I’ve realized there is also a LARGE difference between how men and women think which has in the past been the cause of a lot of upset feelings on my part.

I remember one night a few months ago I was so upset with Mark over something, which I don’t remember what it was now, but I got him mad enough that he actually raised his voice (very rare for him – very common for me). Colleen was in the room and when the argument got loud she began to cry and I felt HORRIBLE – how could I upset her over something that she had no fault in? Growing up I watched my parents fight A LOT and rarely ever saw them nice to each other. I remember being upset because they fought so much and I don’t want my children to ever feel that way. This is one of my big faults, I need to work on keeping my cool in the heat of the moment and if I am still upset about it later I can discuss it with Mark behind closed doors. I don’t want to teach my children how to be mean and hateful, especially to the ones they love.

I tend to have a shared responsibility mentality, again - the difference between men and women, in which I feel like if I am doing everything that it’s not fair and get upset about it. It doesn’t matter that I am more upset that the house is a mess (since I quit doing it since nobody else is) because I live in that moment of anger that nobody is helping. This again is something I need to work on with myself. I cause more damage to myself and my relationship with my husband by not just getting things done myself – I might not enjoy doing the work on my own but it will be short lived rather than dragged out over days because it is sitting there staring me in the face every day.

Recently I have been putting a lot of thought into religion and church and how I want our family to grow spiritually. Not growing up in church has put a lot of questions and uncertainty in this process but I am trying to figure it all out so that my kids won’t feel this way when they get older. This too is something I have been bitter about that I need to train myself to think differently about. Mark, growing up in church, knows what is going on regarding religion whereas I am a lost little puppy. He has no problem helping me with this but there has been a lack of communication and guidance as to how we make this happen so in my eyes, he had put it on the back burner but in his he has been waiting for me (again the difference between men and women). I have now decided that if I want to learn, I need to do it myself. I cannot depend on anyone else to do it for me. We can still grow as a family and do things together but I need to do some extra studying and learning on my own before I can fully be in a position to teach my children the same. With this decision I can also let go of the irritation I had with my husband for not taking charge.

There are so many things that go on in life that I can continue to write for days but the truth of the matter is that when I step back and look at what my expectations are and how I go about having those expectations met, I have a lot of flaws in my methods. After giving up on the thought that Mark was going to help me with my planning and began to do it on my own, Mark had a change of heart and actually began participating in my planning. I was ecstatic (although some of his ideas were not exactly what I was thinking when I began making my list but nonetheless I wrote them down for him). This morning I noticed he hung up Lil Mark’s chore/behavior chart in his room (I had asked him to do this the other night but he said he would do it later so he wouldn’t wake the kids) but I had wanted it in the hallway. My first reaction was “grrr!” so I called Mark to inform him I wanted it in the hall but I tried a different method than I normally would have done. First I thanked him for hanging up the chart then I told him I wanted it in the hall. Normally I would have been hot headed and complained to him about why did he put it in the room and he would have been upset that here he did hang it up but I was still not happy. Rather than anyone being upset he simply said that we could move it – not a problem. The more I thought about it the more it actually made sense to have it in the child’s room and this would also give me the chance to get in there and move out some unnecessary junk. I later told him this and felt so much better about myself and our relationship because I wasn’t angry and didn’t let my knee jerk reaction go too far.

As I was getting ready for work this morning I had another “ahh ha” moment. On Wednesday Mark had gotten into some trouble at school – apparently he found a little girl’s ice cream ticket and erased her name and claimed it as his own. This was one of those times that you sit back and try to grasp why the child would do this when he knew it was wrong. Mark handled it very well and was very fair and hard on Lil Mark regarding the issue and I was very impressed. It was definitely one of those life lesson situations. Anyway, while I was getting ready this morning I was thinking about this and how I know I would not have known what to do had Colleen done the same thing. I realized Mark is very good with the large issues and punishments and not so good with the smaller issues but that was ok because I was good with catching and dealing with the smaller issues and not so sure how to handle the larger ones – we are a good match. Of course when I made this discovery I called Mark to tell him that we were a good match and I could hear the smile in his voice and could almost see his eyes roll as he said “you just figured this out?”

It takes a village...

Children are running around hitting, screaming, telling parents what to do, and being all out disobedient. Why? Is it because parents don’t have the help they need? Is it because the schools can no longer do anything about it? Is it because spankings are a thing of the past for the majority of the population? I think it is a combination of all the above. One thing I have learned is that no child is the same – therefore not one type of discipline fits every child but one thing is for certain – when disciplining a child, consistency is key.

I was raised getting spankings – not that I was a bad child but I did have my share. Now that I am an adult, while I am not against spankings, I have learned it is not the only effective tool to disciplining children. I have a step-son, who is going to be 8 on Friday, and while I had to adjust to my role as supporter I proved my own theory that children also adjust to certain people and situations. While I thought giving spankings was the only way to make a child behave it was not my place to be the one to dish out that type of punishment, I have never laid a hand on him, but he listens to me and when he is with me he behaves. I credit this to my consistency with him – when I say no – I mean it and when he does something he is told not to do I take action – whether it be sitting down for a time out or taking something away – whichever the situation called for. Since spanking was not an option for me to do I had to adjust. Now if a situation warrants a spanking and I am by myself, I deal with whatever it is until his father gets home and allow him to take over from there.

Something my husband has shoved into my head is “its different when it is your own kid” and while I brushed it off I am beginning to see the truth in that statement. This is why I think me not being Mark’s biological parent has been a blessing in disguise because I can see things that his father can’t and hopefully he will grow up to be a better person because of it. This is also where I think society has gone wrong – because it is different when it comes to your own kids, when punishment left the school system so did the outside support to keep children in line.

How many times have you seen a child not listening to their parents? A LOT! But what do we do? Nothing - we think to ourselves “that parent needs to get a handle on that child” instead of helping them. Parenting is exhausting at times and it’s a 24/7 job – sometimes parents just want the child to shut up so they give into them, creating a bigger problem then what was going on at the moment. I wonder how many parents would be offended if a stranger backed them up by saying “your mother/father said no, you need to listen to them” – and if they are offended – why? I can understand if a stranger came up and started correcting an action without giving the parent time to react (unless it is a very dangerous situation) – but to be supportive after the order is given is something different. We as a society need to step up and help raise the youth. Single parents I believe have an even harder time – I for one would hate to have every decision lying on my shoulders and unfortunately a lot of people are in this position.

This entire blog can be summed up in one saying – “it takes a village to raise a child” but can we become that village again? Nobody wants to feel like they can’t raise their children to be respectable adults on their own but if you think back to the past – kids were never raised by just their parents. People were not afraid to speak up when a child misbehaved, teachers took matters into their own hands, and children were respectful in fear of getting that spanking they deserved if they weren’t. Most children in today’s society fear nothing…

See also my blog about Raising Kids

Arrogance

Arrogance – something that everyone is guilty of being at one point or another, myself included, but some more so then others. I read something this morning on facebook that made me so angry and immediately wanted to respond with “who the hell do you think you are!” As the time passed I bit my tongue (or fingers in this instance) and really thought about it. Yes this person was out of line and it’s not the first time, but how much better would I be if I said something back? I found myself thinking this person thought they did nothing wrong and were better than everyone else and because of that I was better than them – but am I?

I saw where my mind was going and realized that in my line of thinking I was being just as arrogant as they were. I started to worry if I had ever been so downright arrogant to post something for everyone to see what an ass I really was – I hope not. I know I have my faults and I know sometimes I do think I am better than others, but it’s not because of what they do or don’t do – but how they act. I’ve always prided myself for being nice to others; no matter how nasty they were to me and how quickly I forgave them. I often put myself in other people’s shoes so I am not so quick to judge them – after all, who am I to judge?

In light of my new hate for arrogance I have placed myself on a higher standard – I don’t want to be that way, I don’t want people to look at me and ask “who the hell do you think you are?” I want to be kind and uplifting to others, not bring them down. I know I am not perfect and I know I still will have weak moments but the effort is there.

I’m just going to add a small note about assumptions – usually if you assume something is about you then you end up making an ass out of yourself but in this case – if you assume I am talking about you – then maybe this will be an ah-ha moment and you will see that maybe you too need to reevaluate what you do or say.

Heroes

There are a lot of things about September 11th that brings tears to my eyes; the many people who died the ones who were left behind, the motherless and fatherless children, and even knowing that there is such evil in the world to send the attack in the first place. I hate seeing others in pain, I hate knowing that people suffer, and I hate that there are so many people ungrateful for what they have.

So many people go through life and don’t give any thought to what is happening to keep them safe. I’ve had this conversation with my husband many times, although he is a lot more opinioned than I am on this subject. When the whole TSA pat down debate was going on I’d asked my husband if he would let them pat down our daughter if we were to fly somewhere. He shocked me with his answer – “yes” and he further explained that going through the proper security is what keeps us safe (granted he had a lot more to say about this but that would be a whole other blog). It got me thinking, a small inconvenience is worth making sure thousands of people don’t lose their lives again.

Hundreds of thousands of families are split up each year because one parent, or in some cases both parents, are deployed in the military to fight for our freedom. My heart goes out to these families every day because I know it is hard to be so far away from the ones you love, especially when they are in very dangerous places, putting everyone else’s lives above their own. The military volunteer to join, they join knowing they could die so that so many others can live. Just this fact alone makes them amazing people.

The people in the military are not the only ones to go to work protecting us; the police officers and firefighters do the same thing. More often than not, the police officers are overlooked for the jobs they do. Every morning they wake up, put their uniforms on, and go to work with the disadvantage of not knowing what the day holds for them. They could have a day where they do nothing but drive around and the next day they could be fighting for their lives.

The police and firefighters on September 11th did not go to work that day expecting to get the calls they got; they did not expect to running into the buildings that everyone else were running away from – but they did. They took charge of everything they could; they saved so many lives and lost so many of their own. They didn’t put themselves in danger because it was their job, they did it because that is who they are; Heroes! It is the people such as these that make me feel so proud. It’s not only the ones in New York, but everywhere because had the attack happened in any city there would be the same type of person putting their lives in danger to save another.

I wish everyone could see the good these men and woman do every day and not only on the anniversary of September 11th – don’t give them such a hard time because they wrote you a ticket because YOU were breaking the law. It has taken me a long time to realize that these men and women are doing their jobs to keep you and others safe and a ticket is just that – a ticket, but if you were ever in any danger they would be the first ones to come to your aid; putting their lives at risk to save yours.

Being the wife of a cop I face the same fate of those New York families, one day my husband may not come home from work because he put someone else’s life above his own. He, along with every other police officer and firefighter, has my upmost respect and it is not only on one day of the year – it is all year long.

Love is a choice

I went to church this morning and the one thing that really stuck out that the pastor said was that love is a choice; its not the butterflies you feel when you are with someone or the romance that is there or not – you have to choose to love someone. When I thought about it I realized how true this statement was. I remember watching The Wedding Planner and there was a scene where J-Lo’s father was explaining to her about his arranged marriage with her mother. He explained how “I appreciated her, then the appreciation grew to respect, respect grew to like, then like grew to love, a deeper love than I could ever hope for.” Isn’t that how you should find love? By meeting someone, getting to know them, respect them, like them, love them? You can’t force love and if you love someone for physical aspects what happens when it goes away?

I could have very easily been shallow and never married my husband because of physical attributes – don’t get me wrong, I am attracted to my husband, but I love him for him and not his looks. The only reason I push for him to lose weight is not because of how it looks, but because his weight was unhealthy. I want him to live as long as he possibly can and he already has an 18 year disadvantage so the more I can help him do to extend his life expectancy the better off he will be.

I understand now how people can stay married to someone for so long – long after the honeymoon phase is gone, long after the kids have grown and moved away and even after the grandkids arrive…it’s a choice. With this “eye opener” I have a deeper understanding of marriage and am more confidence that this marriage will not end in a divorce like my first one. We are both determined to make this work and we both choose every morning that we are going to stay married and love each other.

Choosing to love does not only apply to your spouse but also your kids. Not everyone has that natural love for their children, as evident by the number of deadbeat moms and dads. Being a parent is hard work and it could be so easy to throw your hands up and say “I’m done” if it wasn’t for the love you have for them. There is nothing glamorous about changing smelly diapers, cleaning up puke, getting up at wee hours of the morning, nursing a biting baby, rocking while there is someone screaming in your arms or even washing green beans out of your hair. I am so thankful that I have the “mothering gene” and have no problem loving my child with everything I have but I’ll be honest and say – sometimes I may not like her that much. Sometimes I do have to rock her long after she fell asleep just to recharge and reaffirm that life is going to continue on and it will be great.

Simplifying life and cutting out the crap...

I found myself lately feeling down and defeated because I have no time to get done what I want and need to. I get little sleep at night because I want to stay up later to relax for a minute or to spend time with my husband who was busy watching something on TV. By the time I get to bed its pushing midnight and Colleen still wakes up most nights around 4 am for a feeding. Once she is up she stays in bed with me until I get up and generally she moves around and never fully falls back to sleep. From that moment on I feel like I’m playing catch up for the rest of the day. I stay in bed longer – hoping to catch up on some missed sleep, I rush around after my shower to catch up on the missed time from staying in bed, I eat on the go, I rush to mama’s or the sitter’s to drop off Colleen, rush to work, rush around at lunch. At lunch I have to feed the baby and myself then get to the gas station to get me a coke to wake up then back to work. After work I rush around figuring out what to cook for dinner, and then I try to play with Colleen after dinner is made but often times I feel so worn out from rushing around all day I find myself hoping she goes to bed early. I feel awful for that – I don’t want to wish she goes to bed early; I want my day to be peaceful, relaxed, and fun.

I find myself asking, what can I give up to make my life more meaningful? TV is the first thing that comes to mind. How much time does my family sit in front of the box in the corner? Generally if Mark is home during the day (2 or 3 days depending on which week it is) the TV is on when I get home from work and does not get turned off until bed. Hours are wasted – those same hours could be spent folding clothes, or cleaning the kitchen, playing with the kids, or even studying. What good is TV anyway? It takes away time you could read or spend time with your family as a whole since there is rarely a show that EVERYONE in the family will enjoy watching.

The computer is another thing that wastes a lot of time during the week. How much can Facebook really offer? Sure it is fun to keep up with everyone but generally there isn’t much but copied and pasted or “send me a board for my game” statuses.

A coworker told me a few days ago that she turns off the radio in the car and uses that time to talk to her kids and it got me thinking. Why do we have to have the radio on in the car in the first place? I get irritated with the parents who turn on their TV’s in the car for the kids for a trip to the grocery story – let them be bored for the ten minute drive but how is this different from me driving from my house to work (a 2 minute drive)? Why do I have to be entertained for those two minutes? Without the radio on I could reflect on the day, think of what I could cook for dinner, and even talk to whoever might be in the car with me.

I find myself asking what is more important for me to do. I want to spend time with my family, I want to play with my little girl, talk to my husband, and not feel like I’m spinning out of control and a clean house would help keep the chaos from being overwhelming. I want to exercise and learn how to sew. I want to learn about the Bible and attend church and not be so clueless about it all.

So here is my plan – cut out all the crap – don’t turn on the TV while the kids are awake and if my husband wants to watch it after they go to bed that is his choice. Plan my day in the morning when I wake up ON TIME, run my errands at lunch, come home knowing what to cook, eat as a family, play with the kids, take the family for a walk, get the kids ready for bed and when they go to sleep I can clean the kitchen and rest of the house (this will keep me from feeling so crazy trying to clean things while Colleen cries or wants attention), read the Bible and study as needed and practice my sewing on the weekends during Colleen’s naps.

Today, since I decided things needed to change, I turned off the radio in my car and relaxed on the way home, I came home and cooked dinner and after dinner we went on a walk and talked to some of the neighbors. Colleen ended up falling asleep on the way home so when we got back to the house around 8, I put her in bed. It wasn’t until after she went to sleep that Mark turned on the TV (since I turned it off when I got in the house) and now I am going to let my husband in on the plan and get some sleep to start tomorrow off right.