Ten Secrets to a Successful Marriage

I found list in an article (you can view the story HERE) on Focus on the Family and it fit perfectly into my latest life changing declarations. While I had discovered some of these on my own I still have to work on others.

1. Happiness is not the most important thing. Everyone wants to be happy, but happiness will come and go. Successful couples learn to intentionally do things that will bring happiness back when life pulls it away. (This is very true. My daddy use to tell us growing up that nobody can make you happy, you have to choose to be happy. There are times that I feel like I could never make myself happy – usually that happens each month for about 3 days – and during those times I have to ask my husband to PLEASE do something nice for me just so I can have that little boast of happiness.)

2. Couples discover the value in just showing up. When things get tough and couples don't know what to do, they need to hang in there and be there for their spouse. Time has a way of helping couples work things out by providing opportunities to reduce stress and overcome challenges. (I have to work on this – I have a tendency of trying to handle things on my own rather than including my husband and when I can’t do it I get frustrated with him, thinking that he should KNOW that I needed him – sadly my husband cannot read my mind. I have to learn to start asking for help dealing with situations just so he can be there to lean on.)

3. If you do what you always do, you will get same result. Wise couples have learned that you have to approach problems differently to get different results. Often, minor changes in approach, attitude and actions make the biggest difference in marriage. (I can only tell my husband so many times to do something - it's amazing what gets done when I ASK him to do it.)

4. Your attitude does matter. Changing behavior is important, but so is changing attitudes. Bad attitudes often drive bad feelings and actions. (I have been practicing this recently and it has made a big change in my marriage even with it being only a few days into my new outlook on my attitude and how I handle situations. Read "Changing my ways and putting my Husband first")

5. Change your mind, change your marriage. How couples think and what they believe about their spouse affects how they perceive the other. What they expect and how they treat their spouse matters greatly. (Again something I have been working on and has made a big change in my marriage. I have come to realize there is a large difference between how men and women think and without realizing this I would put a lot of blame on my husband for some of the things he did because it is not how I would have done it. I forget sometimes that we are married, which means there are two people here and we needed to figure out how both of us function and work together.)

6. The grass is greenest where you water it. Successful couples have learned to resist the grass is greener myth – i.e. someone else will make me happy. They have learned to put their energy into making themselves and their marriage better. (Both my husband and I have been married and divorced before and are determined not to do it again. I also think that if you are married that you should not put yourself in positions that could potentially create that “grass is greener on the other side” attitude – meaning that if you ever feel attracted towards someone else you need to sever that relationship immediately.)

7. You can change your marriage by changing yourself. Veteran couples have learned that trying to change their spouse is like trying to push a rope – almost impossible. Often, the only person we can change in our marriage is ourselves. (Last week I would have said this was BS – now I would swear by it. There is nothing that I can do to change someone else but I can change myself and how I view things in life.)

8. Love is a verb, not just a feeling. Everyday life wears away the "feel good side of marriage." Feelings, like happiness, will fluctuate. But, real love is based on a couple's vows of commitment: "For better or for worse" – when it feels good and when it doesn't. (Read my blog post “Love is a Choice”)

9. Marriage is often about fighting the battle between your ears. Successful couples have learned to resist holding grudges, bringing up the past and remembering that they married an imperfect person – and so did their spouse. (My husband gets onto me sometimes about my tendency of keeping score and he is right (not many times I get to say this) In marriage you have to forgive and forget otherwise you will be 80 years old with a whole lot of hate in your heart.)

10. A crisis doesn't mean the marriage is over. Crises are like storms: loud, scary and dangerous. But to get through a storm you have to keep driving. A crisis can be a new beginning. It's out of pain that great people and marriages are produced. (Because of me and my husband’s “divorce is not an option” mindset we are able to ride out the storms – we might not be happy doing it but it’s not always about being happy right?)