This morning started off just like any other morning…my alarm went off and I snoozed it, several times, before attempting to wake Colleen up to catch the bus.
“Mama, I don't want to ride the bus today, I want to sleep some more.” So I let her…I wasn't to keen on rushing around to get her to the bus stop on time either and it's not inconvenient to drop her off at school on my way to work, after all, it's just right across the street. Then my phone rings with my daily wake up call from my husband who, as a police officer, had already been working for a few hours. Today his call home was running about half an hour behind his normal schedule.
“Sorry, you’ve already missed the bus if you're not already up, I was tied up with an accident and everyone else is tied up on the other end of the county with a fatality accident involving a school bus.” Upon those words my heart dropped and I silently prayed all of the children were spared.
Fast forward an hour and the news hit that it WAS a child that has passed and a picture of the bus was also released showing the damage to the front portion of the bus. Since Colleen rides the bus I know bus drivers typically place the younger students in the front and suddenly the bus wasn't another school’s bus in the next county over, but rather Colleen’s bus and my world was shaken. You hear about these types of accidents occurring where students lives are taken but you never think it will happen in your area, so close to home, so the feelings of “it could have been my child” doesn't take place, but today it did.
The damns broke when the news was released that not only was it a student whose life was taken but a sweet 5 year old girl; only a few short years younger then my child, my little girl. My heart went out to all of the children and their families along with the first responders because situations like these are NEVER easy on them and I knew some of the officers that had responded also had young children. All I wanted to do was make sure they got a hug because I remember my husband talking about having to shut off emotions when dealing with fatality accidents but how different it was when children were involved, especially when they are so close in age to your own.
I can't seem to help imagining that this unknown family’s heartbreak was my own, what would I do if it was me getting this news? What was the last thing I would have said to my daughter as I put her on the school bus? Would she know that I truly did love her because I couldn't remember when the last time I said those words to her. What kind of mother can't remember the last time her young child heard the words “I love you” from her lips??? A shitty one! When was the last time I hugged or kissed her? When was the last time a day went by that I hadn't yelled at her for something? I DON’T KNOW!!! And to me that tells me I'm doing a piss poor job as a mother and that reality check sucks!
I love children, I really do, but for some messed up reason I can't seem to show my own child that. I volunteer in the church nursery EVERY WEEK and have done so for the past six years but MY child cries to her daddy at night asking why her mommy doesn't love her and I do NOTHING because she had frustrated me to the point of tuning it out. Who does that?
As I sit here in tears because not only do I feel like the worst mother in the world but I'm about to post this for the world to see as well, I am grateful. I am grateful because I have a second chance, a second chance to be the loving mother, the mother whose children will remember the last time they heard “I love you” the mother that kisses and hugs her children every morning before sending them off to school and every afternoon when they get home. I will be the mother that tucks them in at night with a prayer to keep them safe and allow them a good nights rest.
No comments:
Post a Comment