I love her...

I love my daughter.

While most will read that statement and think there was no doubt about it but for me it’s a statement of relief.  While yes, I have always loved my daughter and always will, the day to day struggles and battles made me literally want to run away and cry.  Screaming fits and all out power battles were the norm between us.  She is an extremely strong willed child who loves to do nothing more than to push my buttons.  Every outing was work; every grocery trip was a battle; every night was a nightmare.  

I knew there was a problem - I mean what mother doesn’t like her kid?  Those kind of relationships were reserved for the crappy unfit moms right???  We were spiraling out of control and in this process I was not only taking it out on her but everyone else in the family. Every time I expressed my frustrations or asked for help I’d get the same responses “you’re being to hard on yourself” or “you are a good mom” when behind the door I’m a monster yelling and screaming things that I’m sure she will be talking to her therapist about in ten to twenty years.  How does that make me a good mom?  I honestly don’t think people understood how bad it actually was. The only thing I wasn’t doing was physically harming her and that was because I knew I was so frustrated that I could not objectively spank her without it becoming abusive.  Perhaps that’s what made me a good mom - knowing where that line was...

I went searching for any and all answers I could get.  I went to the pediatrician to make sure there wasn’t anything physically wrong with her - unfortunately/fortunately she was fit as a fiddle.  I hoped if she had an ear infection at least there was a cause for this behavior; nope.  I considered perhaps I could find a catholic priest to perform an exorcism, I mean what could it hurt (other than again more therapy bills for her as an adult).  Finally we got in to see a behavior therapist who diagnosed her with ADHD.  

After day one of “ok - this is what we are dealing with” my whole outlook changed. I poured myself into how to deal with ADHD kids and ways to work around their impulse control issues.  I started encouraging active listening and rewards instead of negative reinforcement and attention that I was previously giving her.  

I went to my own doctor for a anxiety/depression screening as well, conforming what I had thought - I was mildly depressed, most likely stress induced.  It was decided that it would be best to begin medication to allow myself time to breath and a fresh start.  That has been the best decision I could have made.  

I have a new outlook on parenting, marriage, life.  I don’t feel like all hope has been lost and I no longer feel so angry that I am lashing out on everything and everyone.  I still remember the night I stayed up for hours making Colleen a “Super Colleen” cape to wear for super hero day at school thinking she was going to LOVE IT!  I was so excited to see her reaction the next morning that I cried that night - I cried because I was excited to do something for her...something I hadn’t felt in SO long.  I cried because for the first time in what may have been years I felt like THIS is what people mean when they say enjoy being a parent.  

Since that night I have found myself enjoying her more and more; that’s not to say there are still not bad days, but they are becoming less and less.  I can honestly without a doubt say that not only do I love my daughter but I like her (most days) too.