Had a bad day...

When do the words “Shut up” start to mean anything?  Well, I’ll tell you it’s not at 18 months old…

Today started off somewhat crazy, both Colleen and I slept in.  She normally is up by 7:15 but today I had to wake her up at 8 to get her ready to go to Grammy’s house.  I didn’t have time to fix her breakfast or dry my hair and when my hair looks like crap it’s just a recipe for disaster for the rest of the day. 

While dropping Colleen off I remembered I was out of sugar at work for my coffee, so I filled a to-go cup at Mother’s and took it with me.  Half way to work I figured it was cool enough to drink it so I took a sip only to find out that the lid for the coffee cup was the wrong one and it spilled all over my lap – HOT!!!

Work was at least less of a headache – trying to get as much done as I can before I take off the rest of the week.  Due to Mark’s schedule change, he is working every day this week so rather then have to pay over $100 for childcare, I decided to use some vacation time and take off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and use that time to get the house in order, perhaps do something fun with the kids (since Mark is out of school for the summer) and just relax. 

5:00 rolls around and mom dropped Colleen off to me at work and we headed to Kroger to get some food – which having to take the detour around town to get to the store should have put me off a few days, but due to my lack of planning there was nothing pulled out for dinner.  We get to the store and I saw one of the car grocery carts – you know the ones with the big buggy car on the front end of it to let the kids play while you shop, so rather than risk a repeat of the last grocery trip (of Colleen fussing the whole time because she wanted to get out of the cart and play) I got the car cart.  It was the last one and it was just my luck that it was the one without the seatbelt.  I took it anyway, hoping that Colleen would be a good girl since she LOVES her cars at the house.

By the time we got to Aisle 1, she was over the car and every time we stopped she would try to escape.  I found myself rushing to put the items in the cart so that we wouldn’t come to a full stop and allow her to get out.  Welllllll…that lasted about 5 minutes before she started to JUMP out of the moving car so she could run around the store despite the number of “stay in the car” commands.  When she almost took out the row of glass pickle jars I had enough and put her in the top buggy seat and belted her in.  I should have just cut the shopping trip short and left then but I was so frustrated at not finishing the shopping the last time that I was determined to get it all done. 

You know the kid in the store that is crying and screaming and you think to yourself “Why won’t that mother DO SOMETHING” – yep that was Colleen.  I didn’t know what to do.  I tried ignoring it, I tried reasoning with her, tried to tell her that if she would be good I’d get her some ice cream – nope, nothing worked.  Finally I gave up – I was so embarrassed – I knew what everyone in the store was thinking, cause I had thought it when it wasn’t my kid.  The whole time at checkout I was cursing Kroger for not having the stupid seat belt on the car cart.  To top off my shopping trip I ended up having to do two transactions because the cashier didn’t ring up my toilet paper.  He even asked if I still wanted it – yeah…that was one of the important items buddy…

Pushing the cart of half the groceries I intended to get back to the car I remembered I had failed to get the beach toys out of the trunk so I had virtually no space for the groceries – WONDERFUL!  I managed to get them all in the car, started the car, rolled the window down (so I wouldn’t accidently lock Colleen in the car again) and pushed the POS cart back where it belonged. 

Dinner – I REALLY wanted fried cube steak (which I never fry anything in the house).  I naively thought Colleen would let me cook dinner in peace – WRONG AGAIN.  Frying and holding toddler at the same time = bad idea, so I kept taking her back to her room and closing the door in hopes that  she would stay – nope.  At this point my nerves were shot, my patients lost, and my head pounding.  FINALLY Mark made it home and he took her outside in her new wagon – PEACE AND QUIET.  I managed to screw up the gravy and had to start over again – not so peaceful.

Dinner is served and Colleen not only dumps her plate, tries to stab the table with her fork but also tries to open her water and dump it out.  Then the screaming starts.  I couldn’t handle it anymore.  “SHUT UP!!!”  She looked at me like I was crazy mommy and continued with her behavior and I was done.  My mind went into hyper drive – She won’t listen to me, she won’t do what she is told, she wants to do nothing but run wild - what have I done wrong???  I can’t handle it anymore and start on Mark for him to DO SOMETHING with her – go give her a bath – SOMETHING, of which he does. 

Now I sit here thinking about everything that is wrong – everything that I need to do – everything that I need to make a decision on and everything that I have said to Colleen today and I feel HORRIBLE.  When did I become bitchy, angry, crazy mommy?  When did the sweet little girl who wanted nothing to do with ANYONE but her mommy become the wild daddy-loving girl she is now? 

I’m hoping that today was just a bad day – for both of us. 

This song made me feel so much better - BAD DAY

Finding ME

Mark and I recently took a personality test called the Enneagram which pegged us down perfectly.  First let me back track a little bit. 

Our church has been doing a marriage series entitled “Just Married?” and it got my gears turning.  Now my marriage is not bad, but it could be better.  You know those older couples you see that seem SOOO in love, well – that’s what I want.  I understand that you don’t get that type of relationship overnight – you have to work at it.  I felt the problem was with Mark because he refused to work on it with me, “if it isn’t broken, why fix it” was his philosophy.  Well I couldn’t handle that answer so I went searching and called the church after a meltdown in my small group. 

The church has an option for married couples to get into contact with Marriage Mentors, of which they match you up with another couple who will help guide you along the right path.  Through the process a pastor talks to you to get a feel for what is going on so he can place you with the correct couple.  Based on the fact that we have both been previously married, that we are approaching our 3^rd year of marriage, that our family is blended, and that Mark is a cop, he recommended that we try marriage counseling first because our dynamics are a little more complicated then the average marriage mentor is equipped to handle. 

This is where the Enneagram came into play.  I asked Mark about the counseling (of which he felt we didn’t need it but if I felt it necessary for me then he would do it).  So we took the personality tests first which has given me a lot of insight to what I need to work on.  Most of our marriage problems (that Mark seems to think don’t exist) comes straight from my personality type.  I’m a 6 – a loyal person who likes rules (black and white) and because of the type of person I am and how I've delt with it in the past, I tend to live my life in fear.  I tend to look at all possibilities and see how they all could play out in the future.  Because I do this out of fear I see our marriage ending up like my parents and it scares the crap out of me.  Although our marriage is far from that point I can see it clear as day in my head in the next 20 or 30 years and I try to fix it now, allowing my fear to cloud my present life. I can hear it now, people saying "just don't stress about it" but that is like telling a toddler not to move...its not so easy to just not stress or fear something.   

Mark, on the other hand, is an 8 – a powerful person.  Powerful people don’t like weakness, they tend to stomp it out.  So my fear is sometimes portrayed as weakness which makes him uncomfortable and shuts it out.  8’s also tend to stick up for the underdogs, which explains why when anyone remotely says anything negative about me, he goes into ravage dog mode and wants to bite your head off – his protector mode.  This is too why he makes such a good police officer, he can use his powers for good – granted he knows how to use his “powers”, other powerful people tend to be the bullies and I am very thankful that Mark has a handle on who he is. 

After we got our results from the Enneagram and they were explained to us I felt much better about our relationship because I know now that Mark knows who he is, but I on the other hand don’t know who I am.  Based on my results it was concluded that I live my life in fear because someone in my childhood used their authority in a way that caused me fear.  As the counselor explained, this worked for me as a child but now that I am an adult I need to change my way of handling things which is why I will go back and work on figuring that out.  Once I figure that out I might bring Mark back into the picture and perhaps try marriage counseling but I don’t think we will need it, not after I figure out ME. 

Enneagram Type 6 - The Loyalist

Conflicted between trust and distrust

People of this personality type essentially feel insecure, as though there is nothing quite steady enough to hold onto. At the core of the type Six personality is a kind of fear or anxiety. This anxiety has a very deep source and can manifest in a variety of different styles, making Sixes somewhat difficult to describe and to type. What all Sixes have in common however, is the fear rooted at the center of their personality, which manifests in worrying, and restless imaginings of everything that might go wrong. This tendency makes Sixes gifted at trouble shooting, but also robs the Six of much needed peace of mind and tends to deprive the personality of spontaneity. The essential anxiety at the core of the type Six fixation tends to permeate the personality with a sort of "defensive suspiciousness." Sixes don't trust easily; they are often ambivalent about others, until the person has absolutely proven herself, at which point they are likely to respond with steadfast loyalty. The loyalty of the Six is something of a two edged sword however, as Sixes are sometimes prone to stand by a friend, partner, job or cause even long after it is time to move on.

Sixes are generally looking for something or someone to believe in. This, combined with their general suspiciousness, gives rise to a complicated relationship to authority. The side of the Six which is looking for something to believe in, is often very susceptible to the temptation to turn authority over to an external source, whether it be in the form of an individual or a creed. But the Six's tendency towards distrust and suspicion works against any sort of faith in authority. Thus, two opposite pulls exist side by side in the personality of enneatype Six, and assume different proportions in different individuals, sometimes alternating within the same individual.

The truly confounding element when it comes to typing Sixes is that there are two fundamentally different strategies that Sixes adopt for dealing with fear. Some Sixes are basically phobic. Phobic Sixes are generally compliant, affiliative and cooperative. Other Sixes adopt the opposite strategy of dealing with fear, and become counterphobic, essentially taking a defiant stand against whatever they find threatening. This is the Six who takes on authority or who adopts a dare devil attitude towards physical danger. Counterphobic Sixes can be agressive and, rather than looking for authorities, can adopt a rebellious or anti-authoritarian demeanor. Counterphobic Sixes are often unaware of the fear that motivates their actions. In fact, Sixes in general, tend to be blind to the extent of their own anxiety. Because it is the constant back drop to all of their emotions, Sixes are frequently unaware of its existence, as they have nothing with which to contrast it.

Enneagram Type 8 - The Challenger

Taking charge, because they don't want to be controlled

People of this personality type are essentially unwilling to be controlled, either by others or by their circumstances; they fully intend to be masters of their fate. Eights are strong willed, decisive, practical, tough minded and energetic. They also tend to be domineering; their unwillingness to be controlled by others frequently manifests in the need to control others instead. When healthy, this tendency is kept under check, but the tendency is always there, nevertheless, and can assume a central role in the Eight's interpersonal relationships.

Eights generally have powerful instincts and strong physical appetites which they indulge without feelings of shame or guilt. They want a lot out of life and feel fully prepared to go out and get it. They need to be financially independent and often have a hard time working for anyone. This sometimes necessitates that the Eight opt out of the system entirely, assuming something of an outlaw mentality. Most Eights however, find a way to be financially independent while making their peace with society, but they always retain an uneasy association with any hierarchical relationship that sees the Eight in any position other than the top position.

Eights have a hard time lowering their defenses in intimate relationships. Intimacy involves emotional vulnerability and such vulnerability is one of the Eight's deepest fears. Betrayal of any sort is absolutely intolerable and can provoke a powerful response on the part of the violated Eight. Intimate relationships are frequently the arena in which an Eight's control issues are most obviously played out and questions of trust assume a pivotal position. Eights often have a sentimental side that they don't even show to their intimates, such is their fear of vulnerability. But, while trust does not come easily to an Eight, when an Eight does take someone into the inner sanctum, they find a steadfast ally and stalwart friend. The Eight's powerful protective instincts are called into play when it comes to the defense of family and friends, and Eights are frequently generous to a fault in providing for those under their care.

You learn a lot at the beach...

I learned a lot of things today…

The beach is not so bad – besides the sand getting everywhere, there really isn’t a reason to avoid it.  Granted Colleen did love to go in the water, which was a little scary at times, she stayed in the sandy part and played in the waves. 

I have to use baby sun block when I go outside – after 3 hours and 3 applications of baby sun block SPF 50 I still managed to get a little pink in places. 

Having a baby/toddler/kid does not mean I can’t go and do things – for the longest time I have used Colleen as my excuse not to do things because I was either afraid or didn’t have the energy to keep up with her.  Today I put those excuses aside and went to the beach anyway.  Would it have been more relaxing not to have her there?  Yes, but the enjoyment she got out of playing in the waves was far more precious than relaxing for a few hours. 

Everybody needs a hookie day – this week my sitter was on vacation so I had nobody to babysit (besides the drop in daycare down the road) so rather than worry about what I was going to do with her I scheduled myself off work today.  I have 2 weeks of vacation to use up this year and I’m not planning on actually going anywhere on vacation so I figure why not use them a day here and a day there. 

The most important thing I learned today is that I need to relax more – not everything has to be taken care of RIGHT NOW – I can’t fix everything – I can’t do everything – I just need to go with the flow more.

Fantasy vs. Reality

A few months ago a girl I know found out she was expecting and was SOOO sick; made me think of when I was pregnant, so that night I went home and pulled up my blog and went back in time and reread all my pregnancy blogs and asked myself – when did I get so negative and want to fix everything and everyone?  When I was pregnant I was so excited and positive even when I was puking in the bushes in the front yard or when I could hardly move because of the lack of food and water.  I don’t know when that excitement faded out.  Perhaps it was when I could no longer live in my fantasy world and the real world took over. 

Is it so bad living in a fantasy world?  A world where you think everything is going to be ok and nothing bad is ever going to happen?  Growing up I was always very naive, and I liked it that way.  One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn was that people are not always nice and have your best interest at heart.  There are still some things I know but refuse to admit because I like life without that fact, is that bad?  Do we have to admit everything to ourselves?  Can we not live in a fantasy world if that is what makes us feel better? 

My husband gets onto me about my fantasy world when it comes to politics – he says I have to open my eyes and pay attention to what is going on around me.  My thoughts are that there are enough people worrying about that stuff so I don’t need to get myself bent out of shape about it so I just duck back into my shell and cast those thoughts aside and live in my politic free life. 

I always TRY to make the best out of every situation but after so long of trying it becomes harder and harder to see the light.  I try to make situations better, however, I try to do it by changing the other parties involved and get frustrated when they don’t listen.  So, being the planner that I am, I’m going to try even HARDER to lead by example and learn by other’s examples.

Last night my husband was the prime example of how to be a fun parent.  There were a total of 5 kids at the house, Colleen (18 months), a boy almost 2, another almost 4, and a 6 and 9 year old girl.  He had them all in Colleen’s room (which isn’t big enough for that many kids) playing and coloring.  Several times one would escape (most of the time it was Colleen) and there would be Mark – peeking his head around the corner from her room on his hands and knees, calling her back to the room.  She would get so excited seeing her daddy that she would run back over to him and laugh.  When the kids got tired of the room he took them all outside to play a game of “find the ball” – then to the back yard to pick flowers – never once complaining about entertaining the kids.  He was the perfect playful dad last night and I could only try to be as fun as he was with the kids.  THIS is what I want my life to be like – inspiring, fun, and positive - not negative.  Perhaps when I get a handle on that then everything will fall into place and I won’t have to live in my fantasy world – it will become my reality. 

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