At week 8 and my little blueberry has grown into a kidney bean with arms, legs and webbed fingers and toes. I’d like to say that I have adapted a little to the nausea but I’d be lying. I have figured out that I need to take cooler showers to keep me from passing out although that little tidbit almost came a little too late. Had my husband not thrown open the shower curtain and held me up the other day in the shower I would probably have a huge knot on my head from falling. MY HERO!
Speaking of my hero, he has been so great with everything. Due to a shooting incident last week he currently has a couple weeks off work so he has been helping me keep the house somewhat clean and fetches me food whenever I need it. He holds me when I need it and holds his breath when he has his nasty shit in his mouth so I don’t get sick being around him – If I can only get him to quit that nasty habit we’ll be in business.
I can tell my hormones are screwed a little loose – I find myself crying over the stupidest things like not getting my Chicken & Broccoli Chinese food for lunch. The other night I cried for about 15 minutes in Mark’s arms because I hadn’t had sex in about a week and a half and I didn’t care – who cries because they don’t care??? My imagination is going crazy too – Mark is caring for some dogs while the owner is away for a funeral and all I could think about when he went to get the keys to the house that the woman could have been so distraught that he “comforted” her – don’t get me wrong, I trust my husband and this woman very well (partly because Mark showed me how to shoot the guns in the house) but mostly because they’ve had their chance long ago and yet – here I am now. I’m still having crazy dreams – my favorite was at my baby shower someone gave me keys to my brand new SUV – Oh how I hope this one comes true!
In other news the child Mark had his first baseball game on Saturday in which he just about killed his father when he hit the ball right at him – luckily Mark has good reflexes and was on the ground in no time and the ball flew right by him. Although we are out of T-ball the 6 & 7 year olds are still adorable when they are trying to find the ball and running to the bases trying to get the other team out. Sad part was that my camera battery died so I missed catching a lot of the funnies, I got it charged up now so I can get it all at the next game.
Monday, March 29, 2010
Monday, March 22, 2010
Fear of single parenthood
Nineteen days ago I told my husband he was going to be a father, and today I came too close to becoming a single mom; not because we fought and threatened to split, but because he could have been killed in the line of duty. Today there was a chase which ended in a shootout between the police (my husband included) and a guy that decided to take the law into his own hands. God was watching out for the officers and none of them were hurt however it could have just as easily been me getting the phone call instead of the other guys family letting me know that my husband was the one dead.
I got the call at 4:30 from my husband letting me know he was ok and I accepted that – not really thinking about what really happened. It didn’t hit me until I got a phone call from one of Mark’s friends asking me if he was ok. I checked facebook and saw panicked messages to Mark asking if he was ok and it hit me…he could have been shot or killed. Why had I not realized this before? I knew there were dangers of being an officer’s wife but until now I hadn’t really given much thought into exactly HOW dangerous it was. I could not handle losing him – his children (both living and unborn) need their father.
Here it is now almost 10:00 and he still hasn’t made it home, although I have spoke with him briefly it is still not as satisfying as holding him, making sure he does not have a scratch on him and when I see for myself that he is ok I will beat him for scaring me like this!
I got the call at 4:30 from my husband letting me know he was ok and I accepted that – not really thinking about what really happened. It didn’t hit me until I got a phone call from one of Mark’s friends asking me if he was ok. I checked facebook and saw panicked messages to Mark asking if he was ok and it hit me…he could have been shot or killed. Why had I not realized this before? I knew there were dangers of being an officer’s wife but until now I hadn’t really given much thought into exactly HOW dangerous it was. I could not handle losing him – his children (both living and unborn) need their father.
Here it is now almost 10:00 and he still hasn’t made it home, although I have spoke with him briefly it is still not as satisfying as holding him, making sure he does not have a scratch on him and when I see for myself that he is ok I will beat him for scaring me like this!
Week 7 - How many to go???
Well, today marks the 7 week point in my baby’s unborn life…I read that my baby is about the size of a blueberry now - its still so hard for me to grasp the fact that I am knocked up and its steadily growing. The only reminder I have is the constant nausea and now the puking that started this morning. In one of my “I don’t feel good” pouts to Mark he just laughed and said I was NOT allowed to say it was his fault cause every month I would whine at him during my “girl week” and blame him that I was going through it since he failed to knock me up that month. I’m trying my best to “suck it up” and deal with the crappiness I’m feeling because I know my baby will be worth it.
When I get home I find at least one thing that I want to change or get before the baby gets here. I figured I have at least one more year before I’m gonna get new carpets cause I refuse to allow my baby to craw around on the ones I have. I had Mark put a lock on the gun closet this weekend - partly because puppy can now open doors and he thought it was funny to get in that closet and hide - NOT a good idea. Then I started thinking about where I was going to put all the baby’s things since I figured I’d have her in my room for at least the first 6 months or so - that one I haven’t figured out yet. The one big thing that keeps plaguing my mind is child care - I really don’t want to put my baby in day care, I hate the thought of some stranger raising my kid for me and I miss out on first words and steps. Hopefully daddy’s job works out really well and mama will be able to baby sit. I have to constantly remind myself not to stress out too much on things like that cause I have at least 10 months to figure it all out.
I’ve been dreaming about my baby (although in my dreams there are SEVERAL babies) almost every night…The last dream I had triplets and as they were delivered they were announced as all girls but when I held them I noticed the first two were definitely NOT girls and before I could look at the third I woke up. I don’t know if that is suppose to be some sort of sign to not get my hopes up on a girl or if me not seeing the third one means that my gut feeling that I am having a girl is true…I don’t know, I need to quit analyzing every little thing or I will drive myself nuts.
I will try to relax and let this change happen and whatever sickness happens to me is fine - just stay away from my baby!
When I get home I find at least one thing that I want to change or get before the baby gets here. I figured I have at least one more year before I’m gonna get new carpets cause I refuse to allow my baby to craw around on the ones I have. I had Mark put a lock on the gun closet this weekend - partly because puppy can now open doors and he thought it was funny to get in that closet and hide - NOT a good idea. Then I started thinking about where I was going to put all the baby’s things since I figured I’d have her in my room for at least the first 6 months or so - that one I haven’t figured out yet. The one big thing that keeps plaguing my mind is child care - I really don’t want to put my baby in day care, I hate the thought of some stranger raising my kid for me and I miss out on first words and steps. Hopefully daddy’s job works out really well and mama will be able to baby sit. I have to constantly remind myself not to stress out too much on things like that cause I have at least 10 months to figure it all out.
I’ve been dreaming about my baby (although in my dreams there are SEVERAL babies) almost every night…The last dream I had triplets and as they were delivered they were announced as all girls but when I held them I noticed the first two were definitely NOT girls and before I could look at the third I woke up. I don’t know if that is suppose to be some sort of sign to not get my hopes up on a girl or if me not seeing the third one means that my gut feeling that I am having a girl is true…I don’t know, I need to quit analyzing every little thing or I will drive myself nuts.
I will try to relax and let this change happen and whatever sickness happens to me is fine - just stay away from my baby!
Friday, March 5, 2010
I'm PREGNANT!
My life is about to change again… Yesterday after our first baseball practice I came home and took a pregnancy test and turned it upside down on the bathroom counter so I wouldn't be tempted to sit there and watch the results and went to cook dinner. I wanted to wait until Mark got home before I read it, however after I got dinner started I just couldn’t wait any longer. I have become an expert at taking these and have always been disappointed at the results so I figured this time it I would get the same result, that it wouldn’t matter that Mark wasn’t there to look at it with me…but this time it was different…this time it was positive! There I was, standing in the bathroom looking at the stick in my hands looking back and forth at the indicator strip and the box making sure that the plus line was actually there and it meant positive, for all I knew they could have changed the test. I grabbed the phone to text Mark and let him know that he needed to hurry home but I called sister instead and told her the results.
I felt like I owed it to sister to tell her first since I’ve been so bitter about her being pregnant and I wasn’t, especially since I wanted one and was ready for one. I got better with the thought that this was happening to her until I found out she was having twins. I fought with myself that I should be happy for her, and I was, but it was a hard pill to swallow and I felt guilty as hell for feeling that way. I just knew I was going to have to settle for being an aunt to my twin nephews that are to be born in June, and a step-mom to Mark Jr., and that I had to suck up the fact that I wasn’t having any kids of my own any time soon. But after months and months of heartache I finally have the results I’ve been longing for.
Mark finally made it home while I was on the phone with Sister and I had to hang up real quick so he didn’t get any ideas on what was going on. I went back into the kitchen to check dinner and waited for him to go into the bathroom and see the test sitting there, but as usual he was being stubborn. I had to walk out into the living room and ask him for a hug and while I was in his arms I asked him if he was mad at me for not waiting for the morning to take the test like we planned on doing and I started to cry. Of course he wasn’t mad at me but didn’t know why I was crying, it hadn’t donned on him what I was trying to say until I said “its positive”. To say he was excited would be an understatement. All he could do was hug me and laugh, then he had to run off and find the test so he could see it for himself, then pretty much call everyone in his phone.
There are still so many feelings running through me right now that it makes me dizzy at times…
Eagerness - I have to wait HOW LONG - gees…November is a long time away…
Disbelief - its hard to believe this is finally going to happen…
Regret - for making my sister feel bad about her getting pregnant before me - had I known for sure that I could have kids I would have been able to be a better sister for her when she needed me…
Fear - what if I don’t do something right? I hadn’t even given a thought to my drops until mother mentioned it to me…
Nervousness - Is what I am feeling normal or is something going wrong already?
But what I feel most of all is…
Happiness - my hopes and dreams are finally coming true…
I felt like I owed it to sister to tell her first since I’ve been so bitter about her being pregnant and I wasn’t, especially since I wanted one and was ready for one. I got better with the thought that this was happening to her until I found out she was having twins. I fought with myself that I should be happy for her, and I was, but it was a hard pill to swallow and I felt guilty as hell for feeling that way. I just knew I was going to have to settle for being an aunt to my twin nephews that are to be born in June, and a step-mom to Mark Jr., and that I had to suck up the fact that I wasn’t having any kids of my own any time soon. But after months and months of heartache I finally have the results I’ve been longing for.
Mark finally made it home while I was on the phone with Sister and I had to hang up real quick so he didn’t get any ideas on what was going on. I went back into the kitchen to check dinner and waited for him to go into the bathroom and see the test sitting there, but as usual he was being stubborn. I had to walk out into the living room and ask him for a hug and while I was in his arms I asked him if he was mad at me for not waiting for the morning to take the test like we planned on doing and I started to cry. Of course he wasn’t mad at me but didn’t know why I was crying, it hadn’t donned on him what I was trying to say until I said “its positive”. To say he was excited would be an understatement. All he could do was hug me and laugh, then he had to run off and find the test so he could see it for himself, then pretty much call everyone in his phone.
There are still so many feelings running through me right now that it makes me dizzy at times…
Eagerness - I have to wait HOW LONG - gees…November is a long time away…
Disbelief - its hard to believe this is finally going to happen…
Regret - for making my sister feel bad about her getting pregnant before me - had I known for sure that I could have kids I would have been able to be a better sister for her when she needed me…
Fear - what if I don’t do something right? I hadn’t even given a thought to my drops until mother mentioned it to me…
Nervousness - Is what I am feeling normal or is something going wrong already?
But what I feel most of all is…
Happiness - my hopes and dreams are finally coming true…
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