My life is about to change again… Yesterday after our first baseball practice I came home and took a pregnancy test and turned it upside down on the bathroom counter so I wouldn't be tempted to sit there and watch the results and went to cook dinner. I wanted to wait until Mark got home before I read it, however after I got dinner started I just couldn’t wait any longer. I have become an expert at taking these and have always been disappointed at the results so I figured this time it I would get the same result, that it wouldn’t matter that Mark wasn’t there to look at it with me…but this time it was different…this time it was positive! There I was, standing in the bathroom looking at the stick in my hands looking back and forth at the indicator strip and the box making sure that the plus line was actually there and it meant positive, for all I knew they could have changed the test. I grabbed the phone to text Mark and let him know that he needed to hurry home but I called sister instead and told her the results.
I felt like I owed it to sister to tell her first since I’ve been so bitter about her being pregnant and I wasn’t, especially since I wanted one and was ready for one. I got better with the thought that this was happening to her until I found out she was having twins. I fought with myself that I should be happy for her, and I was, but it was a hard pill to swallow and I felt guilty as hell for feeling that way. I just knew I was going to have to settle for being an aunt to my twin nephews that are to be born in June, and a step-mom to Mark Jr., and that I had to suck up the fact that I wasn’t having any kids of my own any time soon. But after months and months of heartache I finally have the results I’ve been longing for.
Mark finally made it home while I was on the phone with Sister and I had to hang up real quick so he didn’t get any ideas on what was going on. I went back into the kitchen to check dinner and waited for him to go into the bathroom and see the test sitting there, but as usual he was being stubborn. I had to walk out into the living room and ask him for a hug and while I was in his arms I asked him if he was mad at me for not waiting for the morning to take the test like we planned on doing and I started to cry. Of course he wasn’t mad at me but didn’t know why I was crying, it hadn’t donned on him what I was trying to say until I said “its positive”. To say he was excited would be an understatement. All he could do was hug me and laugh, then he had to run off and find the test so he could see it for himself, then pretty much call everyone in his phone.
There are still so many feelings running through me right now that it makes me dizzy at times…
Eagerness - I have to wait HOW LONG - gees…November is a long time away…
Disbelief - its hard to believe this is finally going to happen…
Regret - for making my sister feel bad about her getting pregnant before me - had I known for sure that I could have kids I would have been able to be a better sister for her when she needed me…
Fear - what if I don’t do something right? I hadn’t even given a thought to my drops until mother mentioned it to me…
Nervousness - Is what I am feeling normal or is something going wrong already?
But what I feel most of all is…
Happiness - my hopes and dreams are finally coming true…
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