I found myself lately feeling down and defeated because I have no time to get done what I want and need to. I get little sleep at night because I want to stay up later to relax for a minute or to spend time with my husband who was busy watching something on TV. By the time I get to bed its pushing midnight and Colleen still wakes up most nights around 4 am for a feeding. Once she is up she stays in bed with me until I get up and generally she moves around and never fully falls back to sleep. From that moment on I feel like I’m playing catch up for the rest of the day. I stay in bed longer – hoping to catch up on some missed sleep, I rush around after my shower to catch up on the missed time from staying in bed, I eat on the go, I rush to mama’s or the sitter’s to drop off Colleen, rush to work, rush around at lunch. At lunch I have to feed the baby and myself then get to the gas station to get me a coke to wake up then back to work. After work I rush around figuring out what to cook for dinner, and then I try to play with Colleen after dinner is made but often times I feel so worn out from rushing around all day I find myself hoping she goes to bed early. I feel awful for that – I don’t want to wish she goes to bed early; I want my day to be peaceful, relaxed, and fun.
I find myself asking, what can I give up to make my life more meaningful? TV is the first thing that comes to mind. How much time does my family sit in front of the box in the corner? Generally if Mark is home during the day (2 or 3 days depending on which week it is) the TV is on when I get home from work and does not get turned off until bed. Hours are wasted – those same hours could be spent folding clothes, or cleaning the kitchen, playing with the kids, or even studying. What good is TV anyway? It takes away time you could read or spend time with your family as a whole since there is rarely a show that EVERYONE in the family will enjoy watching.
The computer is another thing that wastes a lot of time during the week. How much can Facebook really offer? Sure it is fun to keep up with everyone but generally there isn’t much but copied and pasted or “send me a board for my game” statuses.
A coworker told me a few days ago that she turns off the radio in the car and uses that time to talk to her kids and it got me thinking. Why do we have to have the radio on in the car in the first place? I get irritated with the parents who turn on their TV’s in the car for the kids for a trip to the grocery story – let them be bored for the ten minute drive but how is this different from me driving from my house to work (a 2 minute drive)? Why do I have to be entertained for those two minutes? Without the radio on I could reflect on the day, think of what I could cook for dinner, and even talk to whoever might be in the car with me.
I find myself asking what is more important for me to do. I want to spend time with my family, I want to play with my little girl, talk to my husband, and not feel like I’m spinning out of control and a clean house would help keep the chaos from being overwhelming. I want to exercise and learn how to sew. I want to learn about the Bible and attend church and not be so clueless about it all.
So here is my plan – cut out all the crap – don’t turn on the TV while the kids are awake and if my husband wants to watch it after they go to bed that is his choice. Plan my day in the morning when I wake up ON TIME, run my errands at lunch, come home knowing what to cook, eat as a family, play with the kids, take the family for a walk, get the kids ready for bed and when they go to sleep I can clean the kitchen and rest of the house (this will keep me from feeling so crazy trying to clean things while Colleen cries or wants attention), read the Bible and study as needed and practice my sewing on the weekends during Colleen’s naps.
Today, since I decided things needed to change, I turned off the radio in my car and relaxed on the way home, I came home and cooked dinner and after dinner we went on a walk and talked to some of the neighbors. Colleen ended up falling asleep on the way home so when we got back to the house around 8, I put her in bed. It wasn’t until after she went to sleep that Mark turned on the TV (since I turned it off when I got in the house) and now I am going to let my husband in on the plan and get some sleep to start tomorrow off right.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
TV, Sex, and protecting our kids
How I wish I could get rid of the TV in my house. It seems to be on all the time – what a waste; waste of money and waste of time, especially when the only thing on is FOX news or something equally as boring. Mark could read the news and save me from the torture of having to listen to it as I am trying to cook dinner or keep Colleen out of everything. Imagine how much free time there would be that we could spend as a family. Come home, cook dinner, clean up, play a game as a family, read, go for a walk outside – so many things we could do to grow as a family without the outside influences of the TV blaring in our ears.
The more I watch TV the more it scares me. When I was a kid I remember watching Lois and Clark – the New Adventures of Superman and thinking back it showed Superman saving the day, defeating bad guys, getting the girl, marrying her, THEN he got to have sex for the first time. NOW there are shows about being 16 and pregnant, Teen Mom, the Secret Life of an American Teenager, and more (I don’t personally watch these but have seen them). What do these teach our kids?
Even the cartoons are crap – you have an irritating sponge that has a ding dong starfish of a best friend and all they do is run around being silly and irritate their neighbors. Can’t forget Johnny Test who does not listen to his parents one bit and is constantly doing things he is told not to. I’m not even going to get started on Fanboy and Chum Chum – WTH???? I can’t think of a single good cartoon on TV other than on PBS. What happened to the classic Looney Toons?
Not only do I worry about the shows that are being watched but also all the commercials. I don’t want to explain to my little girl in a few years when she sees a Trojan commercial what they are talking about or even the Godaddy.com ads. There is just as much, if not more, lack of censorship in the commercials. Why is it that we as a society let our children watch this stuff?
Everything on the TV screams SEX and I am terrified raising a little girl in today’s world. I would rather not watch TV at all then allow her to be desensitized by all the immoral behaviors and actions shown. Kids today know a lot more about sex than I ever did and a large majority of that can be traced back to the shows and movies they watch. It seems to me that sex is not sacred anymore – that it is something that is done with whatever guy/girl who shows any interest. How do we change this? Although my daughter is only 9 months old I need to start figuring this out now before it is too late and TV is only one part of it.
The more I watch TV the more it scares me. When I was a kid I remember watching Lois and Clark – the New Adventures of Superman and thinking back it showed Superman saving the day, defeating bad guys, getting the girl, marrying her, THEN he got to have sex for the first time. NOW there are shows about being 16 and pregnant, Teen Mom, the Secret Life of an American Teenager, and more (I don’t personally watch these but have seen them). What do these teach our kids?
Even the cartoons are crap – you have an irritating sponge that has a ding dong starfish of a best friend and all they do is run around being silly and irritate their neighbors. Can’t forget Johnny Test who does not listen to his parents one bit and is constantly doing things he is told not to. I’m not even going to get started on Fanboy and Chum Chum – WTH???? I can’t think of a single good cartoon on TV other than on PBS. What happened to the classic Looney Toons?
Not only do I worry about the shows that are being watched but also all the commercials. I don’t want to explain to my little girl in a few years when she sees a Trojan commercial what they are talking about or even the Godaddy.com ads. There is just as much, if not more, lack of censorship in the commercials. Why is it that we as a society let our children watch this stuff?
Everything on the TV screams SEX and I am terrified raising a little girl in today’s world. I would rather not watch TV at all then allow her to be desensitized by all the immoral behaviors and actions shown. Kids today know a lot more about sex than I ever did and a large majority of that can be traced back to the shows and movies they watch. It seems to me that sex is not sacred anymore – that it is something that is done with whatever guy/girl who shows any interest. How do we change this? Although my daughter is only 9 months old I need to start figuring this out now before it is too late and TV is only one part of it.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Beginning of my journey...
I’ve had a lot of questions lately regarding church and faith along with a lot of insecurities (read my posting on Church and Faith ). My sister offered to find me a Bible and stories for my Kindle so I could read them easily and we came up with a plan to read the Bible together all the way through. She found a site where we could read it in one year and to make it more interesting we could read it in chronological order. After telling a few other people of my plans they thought it would be fun to join in and we could all help each other stay on track. Figured the more involved the more we would push each other to keep with it. Mark even jumped on board and suggested I create a separate blog so we could keep track of everything and if anyone had comments or questions they could post them there. Maybe as I get further into my journey I will be more comfortable discussing what I have learned but that might be a while. I’m hoping that in doing this I will find the answers to a lot of my questions and find some stability in this crazy world.
So I have created a separate blog – just for this purpose – to allow others to join my journey and stay on track. It can be found here
So I have created a separate blog – just for this purpose – to allow others to join my journey and stay on track. It can be found here
"Night Night Colleen" - "I win Mama"
I don’t have all the answers and it sucks. I’ve always thought that being a parent was all common sense and that I would know how to do everything just fine…well – I was wrong.
My little girl use to go to sleep when I put her in her crib; I never had to rock her to sleep or sooth her in any way. That was up until a few months ago – it all changed. I took her out of her routine and comfort zone when we took a trip to Louisiana for a week and since we got back she hasn’t been able to go to sleep on her own. After talking to the doctor about it this past week I decided I was going to break her of the habit of me putting her to sleep before she got in bed. Sounds good in theory…
Saturday night I go and put Colleen in her bed, gave her a kiss and told her goodnight. Yeah – I didn’t even get to stand back up straight after leaning over to put her down before the screaming started. I did what I was told to do and left the room, glancing down at my watch so I could mark the five minute point. After five minutes I go back in to sooth her – or at least try because she didn’t like me not picking her up. She settles down a little and I leave the room and the screaming starts again – mark the seven minute point. Repeated the process but this time she looked up at me with tear filled eyes asking “mommy, why are you not picking me up” and I almost lost it. I walked out and got Mark and told him to try to settle her down because I couldn’t do it anymore. Next thing I know he has her in his arms rocking her and I fell apart. All the emotions of allowing her to cry for her mama came flooding in and I cried and cried, taking her from Mark, heatedly told him that he wasn’t suppose to pick her up – the whole point was to NOT pick her up. I felt horrible – here was my little girl who wanted her mama and I wouldn’t pick her up and daddy came in to the rescue.
Sunday she was very fussy and didn’t want to eat, sleep, play – nothing…she just cried for almost an hour. I didn’t know what to do for her. I had to call Mark just so I could calm myself down a little bit and regroup and figure out what she needed and finally she fell asleep and woke up on the right side of the crib – happy. I don’t like not knowing what to do in those situations – I don’t like my baby screaming without a cause – I don’t like feeling defeated.
Last night I put her into her bed and as soon as I did, the screaming started and I didn’t have the heart to repeat Saturday night so she slept with mommy. I took one step forward and three steps back. Maybe when she is a year old we will try to make her go to bed on her own…until then I will just rock her to sleep cause my heart can’t handle those tear filled eyes that say “Mommy – don’t leave me all alone.”
My little girl use to go to sleep when I put her in her crib; I never had to rock her to sleep or sooth her in any way. That was up until a few months ago – it all changed. I took her out of her routine and comfort zone when we took a trip to Louisiana for a week and since we got back she hasn’t been able to go to sleep on her own. After talking to the doctor about it this past week I decided I was going to break her of the habit of me putting her to sleep before she got in bed. Sounds good in theory…
Saturday night I go and put Colleen in her bed, gave her a kiss and told her goodnight. Yeah – I didn’t even get to stand back up straight after leaning over to put her down before the screaming started. I did what I was told to do and left the room, glancing down at my watch so I could mark the five minute point. After five minutes I go back in to sooth her – or at least try because she didn’t like me not picking her up. She settles down a little and I leave the room and the screaming starts again – mark the seven minute point. Repeated the process but this time she looked up at me with tear filled eyes asking “mommy, why are you not picking me up” and I almost lost it. I walked out and got Mark and told him to try to settle her down because I couldn’t do it anymore. Next thing I know he has her in his arms rocking her and I fell apart. All the emotions of allowing her to cry for her mama came flooding in and I cried and cried, taking her from Mark, heatedly told him that he wasn’t suppose to pick her up – the whole point was to NOT pick her up. I felt horrible – here was my little girl who wanted her mama and I wouldn’t pick her up and daddy came in to the rescue.
Sunday she was very fussy and didn’t want to eat, sleep, play – nothing…she just cried for almost an hour. I didn’t know what to do for her. I had to call Mark just so I could calm myself down a little bit and regroup and figure out what she needed and finally she fell asleep and woke up on the right side of the crib – happy. I don’t like not knowing what to do in those situations – I don’t like my baby screaming without a cause – I don’t like feeling defeated.
Last night I put her into her bed and as soon as I did, the screaming started and I didn’t have the heart to repeat Saturday night so she slept with mommy. I took one step forward and three steps back. Maybe when she is a year old we will try to make her go to bed on her own…until then I will just rock her to sleep cause my heart can’t handle those tear filled eyes that say “Mommy – don’t leave me all alone.”
Sunday, August 14, 2011
My Honey, A changed man...
I guess men DO change and my honey proved it. I’ve always been a big holiday/special occasion celebrator and Mark hasn’t. I remember the first holiday that came up while we were first dating, Father’s Day. Granted Mark wasn’t the father of my child at this point but he was a father nonetheless. He was so touched when I gave him a present “from his son” and a card I got signed for him. It was a small three photo frame that I filled with pictures of him and Mark Jr. (I had to snoop on to his computer and find some pictures). After he opened the gift he told me that he always had to buy his own father’s day presents in the past if he were to get one. I didn’t realize that he wasn’t use to celebrating ANY holidays.
I forget what happened with my birthday that year but I know it was something I was not use to. Valentine’s Day rolled around – our first one together – and he had to work that weekend and without telling me, he changed the date we were going to celebrate it to a day AFTER – so I sat around all day with his gift and card not knowing that we weren’t celebrating that day. After he finally informed me that he changed the date he did end up buying me a card at one of the gas stations and we had lunch together. He was given instructions that it was OK to change the date of celebrations as long as the other person knows OR it is changed to an earlier date. Fast forward a year to our first Valentine’s Day married and this time he didn’t even get a card. He figured we would go out to eat but hadn’t planned ahead or make reservations anywhere so we ended up driving all over Savannah then settling on Japanese in the Hill. I got my card the next day although it was an “I love you” card since all the Valentine’s Day cards had been pulled by the stores. My first anniversary card was a day late too and I began to expect him to not get a day right.
So my birthday was coming up and I told my husband – just make sure you get me a card – I don’t care about anything else. This was the first time I hadn’t had a countdown to my birthday, first time I wasn’t expecting anything since I told my husband that when I bought my Kindle that it was an early birthday present. Dinner plans were made with my parents and sister and I had an appointment to get my hair cut as a present to myself.
My birthday comes, and while sitting in the stylist’s chair I tell her that I wasn’t expecting anything from my husband and how I have been working on accepting the fact that he doesn’t think outside the box and he is set in his ways and I shouldn’t expect the fairy tales that I like to let my mind drift in. Little did I know how wrong I was at that moment.
We walk into a room at Holton’s and immediately bombarded with “Happy Birthday” and decorations. My honey threw me a surprise party! He even called my best friend (which I didn’t even know he had her number) and deleted the call history out of his phone because he knew I would see it if he hadn’t. It is very hard to hide something from me – I am the biggest snoop. On top of everything else he gave me a gift card to a spa to get a massage. He said he got it because I hadn’t done anything since I had Colleen and I deserved a time to relax. He put a lot of thought into everything…from having little Mark make me a card to signing Colleen’s card with a hand print (which turned into a pink blob) and making signs to hang on the walls. He got everything right and it showed me that he really paid attention to me and proved that men CAN change. This party came during a time I felt like I was slipping away from reality, feeling like a caretaker more than a person, feeling invisible, and it was exactly what I needed to feel special again.
(Card from Mark)
To My Wife
I am so glad I married you. I might not always say it, but I think you are the greatest wife, friend and woman ever…and I love you with all my heart.
Words cannot express how happy you have made me since we have been together. Through the ups and downs I have never lost sight of the reality that you mean more than the world to me.
Thank you for being my Alpha
Your Omega
(Card from Colleen)
Mom
You nurture me
You ease my pains
You care for me
You guide me
You cleanse me
You rock me to sleep
You nurse me
You play with me
You are patient with me
And you love me…
Mom, you’re a busy woman…
And I Love You
Punkie Doodle
(the card was signed with a pink hand print)
PS. Sorry bout the mess – daddy had a problem with my hand moving a lot :)
I forget what happened with my birthday that year but I know it was something I was not use to. Valentine’s Day rolled around – our first one together – and he had to work that weekend and without telling me, he changed the date we were going to celebrate it to a day AFTER – so I sat around all day with his gift and card not knowing that we weren’t celebrating that day. After he finally informed me that he changed the date he did end up buying me a card at one of the gas stations and we had lunch together. He was given instructions that it was OK to change the date of celebrations as long as the other person knows OR it is changed to an earlier date. Fast forward a year to our first Valentine’s Day married and this time he didn’t even get a card. He figured we would go out to eat but hadn’t planned ahead or make reservations anywhere so we ended up driving all over Savannah then settling on Japanese in the Hill. I got my card the next day although it was an “I love you” card since all the Valentine’s Day cards had been pulled by the stores. My first anniversary card was a day late too and I began to expect him to not get a day right.
So my birthday was coming up and I told my husband – just make sure you get me a card – I don’t care about anything else. This was the first time I hadn’t had a countdown to my birthday, first time I wasn’t expecting anything since I told my husband that when I bought my Kindle that it was an early birthday present. Dinner plans were made with my parents and sister and I had an appointment to get my hair cut as a present to myself.
My birthday comes, and while sitting in the stylist’s chair I tell her that I wasn’t expecting anything from my husband and how I have been working on accepting the fact that he doesn’t think outside the box and he is set in his ways and I shouldn’t expect the fairy tales that I like to let my mind drift in. Little did I know how wrong I was at that moment.
We walk into a room at Holton’s and immediately bombarded with “Happy Birthday” and decorations. My honey threw me a surprise party! He even called my best friend (which I didn’t even know he had her number) and deleted the call history out of his phone because he knew I would see it if he hadn’t. It is very hard to hide something from me – I am the biggest snoop. On top of everything else he gave me a gift card to a spa to get a massage. He said he got it because I hadn’t done anything since I had Colleen and I deserved a time to relax. He put a lot of thought into everything…from having little Mark make me a card to signing Colleen’s card with a hand print (which turned into a pink blob) and making signs to hang on the walls. He got everything right and it showed me that he really paid attention to me and proved that men CAN change. This party came during a time I felt like I was slipping away from reality, feeling like a caretaker more than a person, feeling invisible, and it was exactly what I needed to feel special again.
(Card from Mark)
To My Wife
I am so glad I married you. I might not always say it, but I think you are the greatest wife, friend and woman ever…and I love you with all my heart.
Words cannot express how happy you have made me since we have been together. Through the ups and downs I have never lost sight of the reality that you mean more than the world to me.
Thank you for being my Alpha
Your Omega
(Card from Colleen)
Mom
You nurture me
You ease my pains
You care for me
You guide me
You cleanse me
You rock me to sleep
You nurse me
You play with me
You are patient with me
And you love me…
Mom, you’re a busy woman…
And I Love You
Punkie Doodle
(the card was signed with a pink hand print)
PS. Sorry bout the mess – daddy had a problem with my hand moving a lot :)
Wednesday, August 10, 2011
Reasons I love Mark Rich Sr.
I wrote this a while ago and it still holds true although I did have to make a few adjustments to keep it up to date…
When I first met Mark we were sitting at the same poker table playing poker and he scared the shit out of me…he had this "I'm going to kill you" look to him…and I was very hesitant when I won a hand and took his chips away from him. I never saw him smile or hardly ever laugh. He kept to himself at all times and played his hands to the best of his ability. Even though he has changed A LOT since that day some people may still look at him and get that same feeling…Well I'm here to say that the grizzly bear is really nothing more than a cute little teddy bear (unless you piss him off). This man has taught me so many things about life and even more about love than I can count. Here are just some of the reasons why I love Timothy Mark Rich Sr…
He cooks (usually when I cook I have to go out and buy fast food cause it don't turn out)
He cleans (Now with the baby my time has been wrapped around her, leaving not much time to get things done.)
He washes clothes AND folds them (Ok – so he USE TO wash and fold clothes, now he washes and leaves them on the couch for me to fold and put away, but at least he washes them)
He does what he is asked (If I ever have something to do and can’t get it done he always steps up to the plate – even if it is just bringing me a coke from the gas station)
He is warm (I am always cold…he is always warm…needless to say at night we both get nice and toasty – he just wraps his arms around me and I get to snuggle right in)
He loves to cuddle (What woman does not love to be held every once in a while? Sometimes I come home and all I want is to be held and Mark just opens his arms and pulls me in and does not complain one bit)
He is a great father (He lives for his son (and now daughter) – and whenever we do get the child he just lights up. Nobody is a perfect parent but he sure does try damn hard)
He is a GREAT kisser (OMG this man can kiss…hmmmmmmm)
He is a AMAZING lover (I didn't believe him when he jokingly said he wrote the Karma Sutra…OK I'm convinced now – he did…LOL)
He doesn't give up (Ok, truth be told…when I first really started talking to Mark I really wasn't all that interested – he was a lot older (still is) and I really didn't know how it would work out…but he never gave up and look where we are today!)
He is patient (I know that I can be difficult at times and I don't understand everything but Mark will slow it down and explain anything I need him to or he will just let me get my vent out then hold me close to him as I try to calm back down. He doesn't mind my quirky habits – he actually thinks it’s cute – he doesn't rush me when I'm getting ready too slowly, rather he will sit on the bed and watch me get ready)
He is kind (No matter how angry or upset I get he never says anything that will put me down – never does anything to make me feel any less of a person – even when he had every right to do so – I know I have made a mistake here and there especially with my little snooping habit but he doesn't get angry (which usually makes me feel worse about it) He doesn't fight back no matter how much I try to bait him and even if I happen to be wrong about something he will still say I am right)
He listens (This is different from doing what he is told to do LOL…I have a way of having to put my input into everything – sometimes he agrees, sometimes he doesn't, but he ALWAYS lets me say my peace (which most of the time I AM right))
He learns (I have my way of remembering things especially numbers – I think of some sort of math problem to come up with the answer – for example 0257 would be 0 plus 2 plus 5 equals 7 or backwards 7 minus 5 minus 2 equals 0…Mark knows I do this and he tries so hard to remember things and sometimes I catch that he is doing the same thing I do because that is how I told him I remembered it…or on lil Mark's birthday he turned 5 and Mark told his son that they were the same age cause if you took 4 plus 1 you get 5 – I was SO impressed that he came up with that – that is SO Tanya's way of thinking!!!)
He loves (I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me – sometimes when he looks at me I can see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch, hear it in his words…)
I think God every day for bringing this man into my life - I know I went through a lot to get to this point but Mark had quite a few more numbers to get through to get to me.
When I first met Mark we were sitting at the same poker table playing poker and he scared the shit out of me…he had this "I'm going to kill you" look to him…and I was very hesitant when I won a hand and took his chips away from him. I never saw him smile or hardly ever laugh. He kept to himself at all times and played his hands to the best of his ability. Even though he has changed A LOT since that day some people may still look at him and get that same feeling…Well I'm here to say that the grizzly bear is really nothing more than a cute little teddy bear (unless you piss him off). This man has taught me so many things about life and even more about love than I can count. Here are just some of the reasons why I love Timothy Mark Rich Sr…
He cooks (usually when I cook I have to go out and buy fast food cause it don't turn out)
He cleans (Now with the baby my time has been wrapped around her, leaving not much time to get things done.)
He washes clothes AND folds them (Ok – so he USE TO wash and fold clothes, now he washes and leaves them on the couch for me to fold and put away, but at least he washes them)
He does what he is asked (If I ever have something to do and can’t get it done he always steps up to the plate – even if it is just bringing me a coke from the gas station)
He is warm (I am always cold…he is always warm…needless to say at night we both get nice and toasty – he just wraps his arms around me and I get to snuggle right in)
He loves to cuddle (What woman does not love to be held every once in a while? Sometimes I come home and all I want is to be held and Mark just opens his arms and pulls me in and does not complain one bit)
He is a great father (He lives for his son (and now daughter) – and whenever we do get the child he just lights up. Nobody is a perfect parent but he sure does try damn hard)
He is a GREAT kisser (OMG this man can kiss…hmmmmmmm)
He is a AMAZING lover (I didn't believe him when he jokingly said he wrote the Karma Sutra…OK I'm convinced now – he did…LOL)
He doesn't give up (Ok, truth be told…when I first really started talking to Mark I really wasn't all that interested – he was a lot older (still is) and I really didn't know how it would work out…but he never gave up and look where we are today!)
He is patient (I know that I can be difficult at times and I don't understand everything but Mark will slow it down and explain anything I need him to or he will just let me get my vent out then hold me close to him as I try to calm back down. He doesn't mind my quirky habits – he actually thinks it’s cute – he doesn't rush me when I'm getting ready too slowly, rather he will sit on the bed and watch me get ready)
He is kind (No matter how angry or upset I get he never says anything that will put me down – never does anything to make me feel any less of a person – even when he had every right to do so – I know I have made a mistake here and there especially with my little snooping habit but he doesn't get angry (which usually makes me feel worse about it) He doesn't fight back no matter how much I try to bait him and even if I happen to be wrong about something he will still say I am right)
He listens (This is different from doing what he is told to do LOL…I have a way of having to put my input into everything – sometimes he agrees, sometimes he doesn't, but he ALWAYS lets me say my peace (which most of the time I AM right))
He learns (I have my way of remembering things especially numbers – I think of some sort of math problem to come up with the answer – for example 0257 would be 0 plus 2 plus 5 equals 7 or backwards 7 minus 5 minus 2 equals 0…Mark knows I do this and he tries so hard to remember things and sometimes I catch that he is doing the same thing I do because that is how I told him I remembered it…or on lil Mark's birthday he turned 5 and Mark told his son that they were the same age cause if you took 4 plus 1 you get 5 – I was SO impressed that he came up with that – that is SO Tanya's way of thinking!!!)
He loves (I have no doubt in my mind that he loves me – sometimes when he looks at me I can see it in his eyes, feel it in his touch, hear it in his words…)
I think God every day for bringing this man into my life - I know I went through a lot to get to this point but Mark had quite a few more numbers to get through to get to me.
Age is just a number...
I’ve been told many times growing up that I acted older than I was and I was told this again recently. Suddenly my husband’s voice popped into my head – “age is just a number” and it got me thinking…Age IS just a number. Sure, typically a younger person just wants to have fun and party and cares nothing about taking care of themselves, but is this because of their age or is it because of how they were raised or their personalities?
I’ve met a lot of people who have never grown up, who still act the way they did in high school. Granted it might just be the “man gene” that I take as being immature and it may be that men are not as mature as women are. We women have to balance a lot of “life” where men are often blessed with the ability of simplemindedness. Women have the kids to take care of, the house to keep clean, the appointment book in our heads to keep up with where and when some member of the family is suppose to be somewhere and men…well they ask their wife’s “honey, where is my ___?” or “remind me later to do ____” and even “I thought you were going to do that.” Men forget sometimes that we are only one person and can’t do everything.
Ok, so getting back on track of the age thing. It wasn’t that long ago that people were married and having babies with a good job in their late teens, early twenties. They didn’t expect others to take care of them forever, they didn’t watch TV all the time – they did what they had to in order to survive. Did we as a society change the maturity of the youth with things like Spongebob, American Dad and Family Guy? Anyone who thinks that we are not affected by what we watch on TV are morons. You can tell what kind of a person someone is by who their friends are – why not by the dumbass shows they watch too? I’m sure if a study is done on kids and teens based on what shows they watch and how mature they are, it would prove my point. I have watched the shows on Nickelodeon and find them all irritating – they teach kids how to disobey their parents, sneak around, and do “silly” things for attention. I am determined not to allow my daughter to watch shows that will promote her to grow up and be silly all the time. I would rather her not watch TV at all but I don’t foresee that happening so I’ll have to set rules for what she does watch.
Apparently it is easy for me to get into another tangent and not stick to my “age is just a number” and in essence these are all linked together. Here I am, 26 on Friday, I have worked since I was 14, worked full time and attended college at the same time, have owned my own home before (ex got to keep the house), married, have a daughter and step-son, and want nothing more than to keep my family happy, safe, and together. I feel like that is the true test of maturity – it takes a real person to put their needs behind others and not focusing on only themselves and I feel that once you do that the rest fall into place over time.
So, what makes me seem older than my age? Is it the fact that I’m female, that I didn’t watch the dumb shows or my caring nature? I don’t know but I will be dedicating the next 18 years to trying to figure it out in order to guide my daughter in the same path.
I’ve met a lot of people who have never grown up, who still act the way they did in high school. Granted it might just be the “man gene” that I take as being immature and it may be that men are not as mature as women are. We women have to balance a lot of “life” where men are often blessed with the ability of simplemindedness. Women have the kids to take care of, the house to keep clean, the appointment book in our heads to keep up with where and when some member of the family is suppose to be somewhere and men…well they ask their wife’s “honey, where is my ___?” or “remind me later to do ____” and even “I thought you were going to do that.” Men forget sometimes that we are only one person and can’t do everything.
Ok, so getting back on track of the age thing. It wasn’t that long ago that people were married and having babies with a good job in their late teens, early twenties. They didn’t expect others to take care of them forever, they didn’t watch TV all the time – they did what they had to in order to survive. Did we as a society change the maturity of the youth with things like Spongebob, American Dad and Family Guy? Anyone who thinks that we are not affected by what we watch on TV are morons. You can tell what kind of a person someone is by who their friends are – why not by the dumbass shows they watch too? I’m sure if a study is done on kids and teens based on what shows they watch and how mature they are, it would prove my point. I have watched the shows on Nickelodeon and find them all irritating – they teach kids how to disobey their parents, sneak around, and do “silly” things for attention. I am determined not to allow my daughter to watch shows that will promote her to grow up and be silly all the time. I would rather her not watch TV at all but I don’t foresee that happening so I’ll have to set rules for what she does watch.
Apparently it is easy for me to get into another tangent and not stick to my “age is just a number” and in essence these are all linked together. Here I am, 26 on Friday, I have worked since I was 14, worked full time and attended college at the same time, have owned my own home before (ex got to keep the house), married, have a daughter and step-son, and want nothing more than to keep my family happy, safe, and together. I feel like that is the true test of maturity – it takes a real person to put their needs behind others and not focusing on only themselves and I feel that once you do that the rest fall into place over time.
So, what makes me seem older than my age? Is it the fact that I’m female, that I didn’t watch the dumb shows or my caring nature? I don’t know but I will be dedicating the next 18 years to trying to figure it out in order to guide my daughter in the same path.
Saturday, August 6, 2011
She tried to eat WHAT?
I don’t think I realized how much work a moving baby was until today. I’ve tried to keep everything put away that she could get into and the floors as clean as I could but apparently I still missed something hiding under the table by the front door. I quickly scooped what I thought was a leaf out of Colleen’s mouth only to gaze down in horror as I realized the leaf was none other than a long dead dried up frog – YUCK!!!! What do you do after you get a frog out of your child’s mouth? Yeah, I didn’t know the answer either so after my EWW EWW EWW attack I gave her a sippy cup of water to wash down the nasty taste that I’m sure she didn’t even realize she had to have had. At a few days shy of 9 months old I shake my head knowing that this is only the beginning. I just pray I never have to scoop a roach out of her mouth – I might pass out from panic if that were to ever happen. Needless to say, my house is now frog free as I have searched under and around everything to make sure she didn't find another one.
Friday, August 5, 2011
Raising Kids
Raising kids is something I always thought I would know what to do. I have the same ideas as my daddy does when it comes to raising kids. I don’t think that parents should allow their kids to dictate how they are going to do things – that’s the parents job. I’m a firm believer in “no means no” and that parents should never back down after the initial “no” has been said. I know kids will try hard to con a “yes” out of a “no” but it is up to the parents to stand their ground. My dad once said that when we were kids he said “no” to some things that he could have said “yes” to but there was no turning back. This is something I myself have had to work on with my step-son and have had to teach myself to think of what he is really asking to do before I immediately say “no” because once I said it, there was no turning back.
There are so many parents that worry too much about pacifying their kids and not raising them and people wonder why we have so many out of control teenagers. You don’t have to be buddies with your kid, they don’t have to like you and I think that is another thing going wrong with kids today. Parents don’t want to punish their kids because they won’t like them anymore – I’m sorry but being a parent is not about being liked, it’s about teaching your kids what is right and wrong and guiding them in the right path so they will grow up into respectable adults. Eventually the kids will grow out of wanting a dozen earrings and purple hair if you don’t allow them to get it when they do want it. My father only allowed us to get our ears pierced ONCE – he said when we moved out of his house there was nothing he could do about it but by then I wasn’t interested in having two or three holes in my ears. He also only allowed us to wear one ring on each hand – which I still do to this day, mostly because I have little hands and can’t stand the feel of rings hitting each other. Because of the limitations he put on us I don’t walk out of the house dressed like a wanna be hooker and with that more people respect me.
When I was growing up we didn’t have a TV in the car that I can watch on the 10 minute car ride to the store or a cell phone at the age of 7 – I didn’t get to wear makeup until I was 14 (Tara was 16 so I got to do things when she did) and I turned out just fine. In today’s world there is a lot more technology than when I was younger, which is harder to keep watch over what the kids are doing all the time but I think if parents are allowing their kids access to computers and cell phones that they need to be responsible about it and make sure they know what their kids are doing with them. With so many pedophiles online there is no need for any young girl under the age of 18 to have suggestive pictures of themselves on their websites. You see all these articles and stories about “sexting” and these kids getting into trouble for it…where are their parents??? I’m sorry but my kids will not be sending naked pictures of themselves to other kids via ANYTHING. If these kids are doing this why are the parents not taking their phones away or calling the cell phone companies and having the texting capabilities removed from their phones? We all grew up without the ability of texting and we were fine – so if you are not going to watch your kids don’t give them extra tools to expose themselves.
I know there are pressures – especially for the young girls when it comes to keeping up with everyone else and especially when boys come into the picture – but I believe that if they are being monitored enough and talked to, we can keep them out of most of the trouble they get into. I don’t know if there is a way of preventing everything because even having a father as strict as mine was I still did things I’m not proud of when it came to boys. My father once told me that I didn’t have to give everything to the first boy that showed interest in me – which is very true (although I did end up marrying my first boyfriend). These young girls need to know that it’s not “cool” to get pregnant up at such young ages – now I know that things happen so I’m not downing anyone who had kids early in life but what I am saying is that there needs to be more done in preventing it. Sex education in school is nothing but a joke – I can’t remember anything significant that I learned in the 2 hour class I sat in back in 5th grade. It’s really up to the parents to teach their kids about the dangers of sex but most of them don’t. I never had the “sex talk” with my parents but I guess I was lucky that I was one of the quiet, shy kids that the boys were not interested in.
Mark says he feels bad for our kids cause I’m a drill sergeant – I’d rather be tough than not tough enough and my kids get hurt in the end. I’d rather my kids respect me than me be their best friend. I firmly believe that friendship with your kids is secondary to their wellbeing and that is how I’m going to raise my kids. With lil Mark I let Mark do the raising because it is his kid but that does not mean I don’t put my two cents in because his actions will one day affect our daughter’s life. Lil Mark knows that when I say something I mean it because I have never backed down or changed my decision.
Now that I do have a child of my own I’m sure my point of view will change on some things, like not laying down with her so she will go to sleep. I’m sure it will be harder for me to see the things my daughter will do because she is mine, but I feel that because I am so conscience of raising her right that I will over think my decisions and eventually with the help of Mark, come up with the most acceptable answers. He and I together make a good team…his easygoingness and my “drill sergeant” attitude will balance each other out.
There are so many parents that worry too much about pacifying their kids and not raising them and people wonder why we have so many out of control teenagers. You don’t have to be buddies with your kid, they don’t have to like you and I think that is another thing going wrong with kids today. Parents don’t want to punish their kids because they won’t like them anymore – I’m sorry but being a parent is not about being liked, it’s about teaching your kids what is right and wrong and guiding them in the right path so they will grow up into respectable adults. Eventually the kids will grow out of wanting a dozen earrings and purple hair if you don’t allow them to get it when they do want it. My father only allowed us to get our ears pierced ONCE – he said when we moved out of his house there was nothing he could do about it but by then I wasn’t interested in having two or three holes in my ears. He also only allowed us to wear one ring on each hand – which I still do to this day, mostly because I have little hands and can’t stand the feel of rings hitting each other. Because of the limitations he put on us I don’t walk out of the house dressed like a wanna be hooker and with that more people respect me.
When I was growing up we didn’t have a TV in the car that I can watch on the 10 minute car ride to the store or a cell phone at the age of 7 – I didn’t get to wear makeup until I was 14 (Tara was 16 so I got to do things when she did) and I turned out just fine. In today’s world there is a lot more technology than when I was younger, which is harder to keep watch over what the kids are doing all the time but I think if parents are allowing their kids access to computers and cell phones that they need to be responsible about it and make sure they know what their kids are doing with them. With so many pedophiles online there is no need for any young girl under the age of 18 to have suggestive pictures of themselves on their websites. You see all these articles and stories about “sexting” and these kids getting into trouble for it…where are their parents??? I’m sorry but my kids will not be sending naked pictures of themselves to other kids via ANYTHING. If these kids are doing this why are the parents not taking their phones away or calling the cell phone companies and having the texting capabilities removed from their phones? We all grew up without the ability of texting and we were fine – so if you are not going to watch your kids don’t give them extra tools to expose themselves.
I know there are pressures – especially for the young girls when it comes to keeping up with everyone else and especially when boys come into the picture – but I believe that if they are being monitored enough and talked to, we can keep them out of most of the trouble they get into. I don’t know if there is a way of preventing everything because even having a father as strict as mine was I still did things I’m not proud of when it came to boys. My father once told me that I didn’t have to give everything to the first boy that showed interest in me – which is very true (although I did end up marrying my first boyfriend). These young girls need to know that it’s not “cool” to get pregnant up at such young ages – now I know that things happen so I’m not downing anyone who had kids early in life but what I am saying is that there needs to be more done in preventing it. Sex education in school is nothing but a joke – I can’t remember anything significant that I learned in the 2 hour class I sat in back in 5th grade. It’s really up to the parents to teach their kids about the dangers of sex but most of them don’t. I never had the “sex talk” with my parents but I guess I was lucky that I was one of the quiet, shy kids that the boys were not interested in.
Mark says he feels bad for our kids cause I’m a drill sergeant – I’d rather be tough than not tough enough and my kids get hurt in the end. I’d rather my kids respect me than me be their best friend. I firmly believe that friendship with your kids is secondary to their wellbeing and that is how I’m going to raise my kids. With lil Mark I let Mark do the raising because it is his kid but that does not mean I don’t put my two cents in because his actions will one day affect our daughter’s life. Lil Mark knows that when I say something I mean it because I have never backed down or changed my decision.
Now that I do have a child of my own I’m sure my point of view will change on some things, like not laying down with her so she will go to sleep. I’m sure it will be harder for me to see the things my daughter will do because she is mine, but I feel that because I am so conscience of raising her right that I will over think my decisions and eventually with the help of Mark, come up with the most acceptable answers. He and I together make a good team…his easygoingness and my “drill sergeant” attitude will balance each other out.
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
Church and Faith
I didn’t grow up in a church but I've been raised to believe that I am Baptist, which in my experience with the Baptist the preachers have yelled at me, told me everything I was doing wrong, told me how to live my life and if I don’t do it their way I’d go to Hell. I’m reasonable enough to know that not all Baptist churches are like this but I’m not perfect and I hate feeling like a hypocrite for sitting in a church that tells me things like Don’t Drink, and I know I do, granted I don’t do it often. I hate feeling like I am being judged by a church, I feel like a church should teach you about God and not about how you should dress or act – if you know about what God wants the rest should fall into place and you won’t need to be told.
I don’t feel like I am a bad person for not attending church because I believe that you don’t have to attend a church to have a belief in God and you can serve Him anywhere BUT I really only know the basics – God sent his Son who died on the cross for our sins and therefore if we believe in him and ask him to be in our hearts we shall be saved and spend eternity with Him in Heaven. I don’t know all the other stories in the Bible, which perhaps many of them don’t matter if you believe in God – but often these other stories come in play during church services – where I sit, wondering what they are talking about.
I believe that as a Christian you should behave a certain way and not lead a promiscuous life, but I don’t feel like you have to be perfect because nobody is. I feel like the basis of morals come from religion and if you don’t have that then what keeps you from doing certain things? The fear of going to jail only saves you from certain things–it’s your faith and your compassion for others that prevents you from being a complete and total ass to your neighbors or the lady blocking your way in the grocery store.
I feel like I am missing other key lessons that I could learn from going to church that would teach me how to live my life better and how I can help others not be so cruel and hateful. I want to be able to raise my children with the knowledge that there is something better out there, that you don’t have to follow others in their path of destruction. I want them to have a good support system besides just us helping them along the way. Without being a person of faith where do the kids learn how to pray? Prayer is something I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do – is there an art of prayer? Do you just “talk” to God? Anytime I try to pray I feel like I’m doing something wrong, but is there a wrong way? I feel like these are things I should already know how to do, but I don’t. I don’t want my kids to grow up and feel as silly as I do about not knowing some the most basic things.
While I may not be this diehard religious person, I do feel like something greater than me is leading me towards wanting to know and do more. I feel like I have a greater calling, like I am here to help others in their time of need. Many people who know me also know that I will do whatever I can to help. I don’t like others feeling alone. I’ve been there, in a place where I felt like there was nobody I could turn to, and I hated it. It is something that I would wish on nobody and I feel that had I had a good understanding of my faith I would never have fallen so far from the real world. I would have been able to trust God to provide to me what I needed, and in hindsight He did…he gave me a man who helped me find myself and become a better person. I know sometimes my husband might drive me crazy and I wish I could just bang his head upside a wall, but I also know he was my gift from God. Had it not been for him I would not have the wonderful family I have now.
Throughout writing this I have come to realize that maybe I am not so clueless after all…I have realized that God has given me so much that I hadn’t given him credit for. So many people are without jobs, without a home, without food, without even a dollar to their name, and here I am typing on a laptop in a house with baby toys all over the living room and a beautiful daughter sleeping in her room. This has made me want to find a way to give credit where credit is due even more and I feel like I will be able to learn this in a church. Learn how to open my eyes and see the good everywhere instead of the bad, where I will be able to meet the people who will be a positive influence in my life and help me learn more about myself and my faith. I feel like with faith I will have a stronger marriage as well be able to provide my kids with a solid base for them to live out their lives positively.
The first step I need to take is to get out of my comfort zone and get into a church. I need to find one that I don’t feel like a fish out of water in and find my support group that will help me accept that it is ok not to know everything, that the answers are out there and I just need to find them.
I don’t feel like I am a bad person for not attending church because I believe that you don’t have to attend a church to have a belief in God and you can serve Him anywhere BUT I really only know the basics – God sent his Son who died on the cross for our sins and therefore if we believe in him and ask him to be in our hearts we shall be saved and spend eternity with Him in Heaven. I don’t know all the other stories in the Bible, which perhaps many of them don’t matter if you believe in God – but often these other stories come in play during church services – where I sit, wondering what they are talking about.
I believe that as a Christian you should behave a certain way and not lead a promiscuous life, but I don’t feel like you have to be perfect because nobody is. I feel like the basis of morals come from religion and if you don’t have that then what keeps you from doing certain things? The fear of going to jail only saves you from certain things–it’s your faith and your compassion for others that prevents you from being a complete and total ass to your neighbors or the lady blocking your way in the grocery store.
I feel like I am missing other key lessons that I could learn from going to church that would teach me how to live my life better and how I can help others not be so cruel and hateful. I want to be able to raise my children with the knowledge that there is something better out there, that you don’t have to follow others in their path of destruction. I want them to have a good support system besides just us helping them along the way. Without being a person of faith where do the kids learn how to pray? Prayer is something I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do – is there an art of prayer? Do you just “talk” to God? Anytime I try to pray I feel like I’m doing something wrong, but is there a wrong way? I feel like these are things I should already know how to do, but I don’t. I don’t want my kids to grow up and feel as silly as I do about not knowing some the most basic things.
While I may not be this diehard religious person, I do feel like something greater than me is leading me towards wanting to know and do more. I feel like I have a greater calling, like I am here to help others in their time of need. Many people who know me also know that I will do whatever I can to help. I don’t like others feeling alone. I’ve been there, in a place where I felt like there was nobody I could turn to, and I hated it. It is something that I would wish on nobody and I feel that had I had a good understanding of my faith I would never have fallen so far from the real world. I would have been able to trust God to provide to me what I needed, and in hindsight He did…he gave me a man who helped me find myself and become a better person. I know sometimes my husband might drive me crazy and I wish I could just bang his head upside a wall, but I also know he was my gift from God. Had it not been for him I would not have the wonderful family I have now.
Throughout writing this I have come to realize that maybe I am not so clueless after all…I have realized that God has given me so much that I hadn’t given him credit for. So many people are without jobs, without a home, without food, without even a dollar to their name, and here I am typing on a laptop in a house with baby toys all over the living room and a beautiful daughter sleeping in her room. This has made me want to find a way to give credit where credit is due even more and I feel like I will be able to learn this in a church. Learn how to open my eyes and see the good everywhere instead of the bad, where I will be able to meet the people who will be a positive influence in my life and help me learn more about myself and my faith. I feel like with faith I will have a stronger marriage as well be able to provide my kids with a solid base for them to live out their lives positively.
The first step I need to take is to get out of my comfort zone and get into a church. I need to find one that I don’t feel like a fish out of water in and find my support group that will help me accept that it is ok not to know everything, that the answers are out there and I just need to find them.
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
The emotions of motherhood
When my daughter was born, I was relieved, relieved that the labor was over, relieved that she was no longer blue and was healthy, and relieved that I didn’t have one of those babies that people say they are the cutest ever and walk away mumbling about how ugly they were – she was perfect in every way.
When my daughter was two days old, I was naive; naive that she was so yellow, naive that her bilirubin levels were at 18 and just how dangerous that was, naïve about how to handle getting a baby to the hospital for treatment. I didn’t know what questions to ask, I didn’t know what the doctors were talking about, I didn’t know anything but I trusted the doctors and I was able to bring my little girl back home after only a few days.
When my daughter was two months old, I was scared; scared of what I might have exposed her to that made her so sick, scared that the ER wouldn’t be able to find out what was wrong, scared when they sent me home with a Tylenol remedy only to wake up the next morning with bloody stool in her diaper. I was scared after the nurse over the phone called me back changing the plans to take her back to the ER instead of the doctor’s office. I was scared when they admitted her into the children’s hospital and took her from me to run tests. I was scared when she cried all night long and there was nothing I could do for her – not even feed her since she wasn’t allowed to eat. I was scared she would start bleeding again once I was allowed to resume feeding her but fortunately she did not and we were released a few days later with the prognosis of a stomach bug.
When my daughter was four months old, I was happy, happy that she was slowly changing into a baby and not a newborn. Happy that she was learning how to roll over and how to sit up like a big girl and eat big girl food too. I was happy that she no longer screamed when her daddy took her from me to get his loving in too. I was happy that she was beginning to like her Grammy and she enjoyed playing and spending time with her sitter.
When my daughter was six months old, I was proud, proud that she was such a brave girl when she got her ears pierced, proud that she was sitting up all by herself, proud that she was now saying “dadadadada” all the time even though she didn’t know what she was saying. Mostly I was proud that she still always wanted her mama when she was tired or upset.
When my daughter was eight months old, I was shocked, shocked at how sharp those two little teeth were that she’d cut, shocked at how quickly she figured out how to continue to pull herself up after the first time, shocked at how fast her hair was beginning to come in but mostly I was shocked at how quickly she learned how to crawl when she really wanted to go play with that cat.
Now that my daughter is on the move I am relieved that she can entertain herself, naïve at how many things she can get into, scared that she will get somewhere too quickly and hurt herself, happy that she becoming more independent and can now feed herself allowing me to eat dinner too, proud of how much she loves her big brother and shocked at how quickly this time has passed.
When my daughter was two days old, I was naive; naive that she was so yellow, naive that her bilirubin levels were at 18 and just how dangerous that was, naïve about how to handle getting a baby to the hospital for treatment. I didn’t know what questions to ask, I didn’t know what the doctors were talking about, I didn’t know anything but I trusted the doctors and I was able to bring my little girl back home after only a few days.
When my daughter was two months old, I was scared; scared of what I might have exposed her to that made her so sick, scared that the ER wouldn’t be able to find out what was wrong, scared when they sent me home with a Tylenol remedy only to wake up the next morning with bloody stool in her diaper. I was scared after the nurse over the phone called me back changing the plans to take her back to the ER instead of the doctor’s office. I was scared when they admitted her into the children’s hospital and took her from me to run tests. I was scared when she cried all night long and there was nothing I could do for her – not even feed her since she wasn’t allowed to eat. I was scared she would start bleeding again once I was allowed to resume feeding her but fortunately she did not and we were released a few days later with the prognosis of a stomach bug.
When my daughter was four months old, I was happy, happy that she was slowly changing into a baby and not a newborn. Happy that she was learning how to roll over and how to sit up like a big girl and eat big girl food too. I was happy that she no longer screamed when her daddy took her from me to get his loving in too. I was happy that she was beginning to like her Grammy and she enjoyed playing and spending time with her sitter.
When my daughter was six months old, I was proud, proud that she was such a brave girl when she got her ears pierced, proud that she was sitting up all by herself, proud that she was now saying “dadadadada” all the time even though she didn’t know what she was saying. Mostly I was proud that she still always wanted her mama when she was tired or upset.
When my daughter was eight months old, I was shocked, shocked at how sharp those two little teeth were that she’d cut, shocked at how quickly she figured out how to continue to pull herself up after the first time, shocked at how fast her hair was beginning to come in but mostly I was shocked at how quickly she learned how to crawl when she really wanted to go play with that cat.
Now that my daughter is on the move I am relieved that she can entertain herself, naïve at how many things she can get into, scared that she will get somewhere too quickly and hurt herself, happy that she becoming more independent and can now feed herself allowing me to eat dinner too, proud of how much she loves her big brother and shocked at how quickly this time has passed.
The beginning of my love story...
So the last few months I got hooked on the Bachelorette, which is completely unlike me to watch that type of show, but I found myself watching it none the less. Each week I would get swept into the romance of each relationship and each week I grumbled about not being able to go places like they did. Last night during the proposals I watched as two men proposed to the same girl then it clicked – I may have not had this big elaborate proposal or these fancy dates but I had someone who loved me enough to get down on his one knee and ask me to marry him in front of my friends and family. At that moment I didn’t care about being on a beach in Fiji or that I wasn’t wearing a nice fancy dress. All I cared about was the man in front of me, a man that I loved who loved me in return, who was taking that leap of faith with me, asking me to spend the rest of our lives together. I didn’t have a fancy response to give him back, I was actually very short with my “uh huh”, but it was enough to start the first chapter of our love story…
My love story has been somewhat of an unconventional one – as many know there is quite a large age gap between my husband and I, he also has a son from a previous relationship. So when we married in 2009 I not only gained a lifelong partner, I also gained a very loving step-son; instant family right? Although I was happy with the child that life blessed me with to help care for, I longed for a child of my own; one that I didn’t have to share with anyone other than my husband; one that I didn’t have to keep a small barrier up with because I’m not “mom” and there are some things that I just don’t have the right to do. After several months of disappointment of no baby we got our positive results in early March 2010. My little girl was born in November and my life felt complete. I had my husband, a son, and now a daughter to round off the family dynamics. My family has brought me so much joy that I could only begin to attempt to put into words but I will try as I continue to write my love story...
My love story has been somewhat of an unconventional one – as many know there is quite a large age gap between my husband and I, he also has a son from a previous relationship. So when we married in 2009 I not only gained a lifelong partner, I also gained a very loving step-son; instant family right? Although I was happy with the child that life blessed me with to help care for, I longed for a child of my own; one that I didn’t have to share with anyone other than my husband; one that I didn’t have to keep a small barrier up with because I’m not “mom” and there are some things that I just don’t have the right to do. After several months of disappointment of no baby we got our positive results in early March 2010. My little girl was born in November and my life felt complete. I had my husband, a son, and now a daughter to round off the family dynamics. My family has brought me so much joy that I could only begin to attempt to put into words but I will try as I continue to write my love story...
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