I don’t have all the answers and it sucks. I’ve always thought that being a parent was all common sense and that I would know how to do everything just fine…well – I was wrong.
My little girl use to go to sleep when I put her in her crib; I never had to rock her to sleep or sooth her in any way. That was up until a few months ago – it all changed. I took her out of her routine and comfort zone when we took a trip to Louisiana for a week and since we got back she hasn’t been able to go to sleep on her own. After talking to the doctor about it this past week I decided I was going to break her of the habit of me putting her to sleep before she got in bed. Sounds good in theory…
Saturday night I go and put Colleen in her bed, gave her a kiss and told her goodnight. Yeah – I didn’t even get to stand back up straight after leaning over to put her down before the screaming started. I did what I was told to do and left the room, glancing down at my watch so I could mark the five minute point. After five minutes I go back in to sooth her – or at least try because she didn’t like me not picking her up. She settles down a little and I leave the room and the screaming starts again – mark the seven minute point. Repeated the process but this time she looked up at me with tear filled eyes asking “mommy, why are you not picking me up” and I almost lost it. I walked out and got Mark and told him to try to settle her down because I couldn’t do it anymore. Next thing I know he has her in his arms rocking her and I fell apart. All the emotions of allowing her to cry for her mama came flooding in and I cried and cried, taking her from Mark, heatedly told him that he wasn’t suppose to pick her up – the whole point was to NOT pick her up. I felt horrible – here was my little girl who wanted her mama and I wouldn’t pick her up and daddy came in to the rescue.
Sunday she was very fussy and didn’t want to eat, sleep, play – nothing…she just cried for almost an hour. I didn’t know what to do for her. I had to call Mark just so I could calm myself down a little bit and regroup and figure out what she needed and finally she fell asleep and woke up on the right side of the crib – happy. I don’t like not knowing what to do in those situations – I don’t like my baby screaming without a cause – I don’t like feeling defeated.
Last night I put her into her bed and as soon as I did, the screaming started and I didn’t have the heart to repeat Saturday night so she slept with mommy. I took one step forward and three steps back. Maybe when she is a year old we will try to make her go to bed on her own…until then I will just rock her to sleep cause my heart can’t handle those tear filled eyes that say “Mommy – don’t leave me all alone.”
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