Church and Faith

I didn’t grow up in a church but I've been raised to believe that I am Baptist, which in my experience with the Baptist the preachers have yelled at me, told me everything I was doing wrong, told me how to live my life and if I don’t do it their way I’d go to Hell. I’m reasonable enough to know that not all Baptist churches are like this but I’m not perfect and I hate feeling like a hypocrite for sitting in a church that tells me things like Don’t Drink, and I know I do, granted I don’t do it often. I hate feeling like I am being judged by a church, I feel like a church should teach you about God and not about how you should dress or act – if you know about what God wants the rest should fall into place and you won’t need to be told.

I don’t feel like I am a bad person for not attending church because I believe that you don’t have to attend a church to have a belief in God and you can serve Him anywhere BUT I really only know the basics – God sent his Son who died on the cross for our sins and therefore if we believe in him and ask him to be in our hearts we shall be saved and spend eternity with Him in Heaven. I don’t know all the other stories in the Bible, which perhaps many of them don’t matter if you believe in God – but often these other stories come in play during church services – where I sit, wondering what they are talking about.

I believe that as a Christian you should behave a certain way and not lead a promiscuous life, but I don’t feel like you have to be perfect because nobody is. I feel like the basis of morals come from religion and if you don’t have that then what keeps you from doing certain things? The fear of going to jail only saves you from certain things–it’s your faith and your compassion for others that prevents you from being a complete and total ass to your neighbors or the lady blocking your way in the grocery store.

I feel like I am missing other key lessons that I could learn from going to church that would teach me how to live my life better and how I can help others not be so cruel and hateful. I want to be able to raise my children with the knowledge that there is something better out there, that you don’t have to follow others in their path of destruction. I want them to have a good support system besides just us helping them along the way. Without being a person of faith where do the kids learn how to pray? Prayer is something I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do – is there an art of prayer? Do you just “talk” to God? Anytime I try to pray I feel like I’m doing something wrong, but is there a wrong way? I feel like these are things I should already know how to do, but I don’t. I don’t want my kids to grow up and feel as silly as I do about not knowing some the most basic things.

While I may not be this diehard religious person, I do feel like something greater than me is leading me towards wanting to know and do more. I feel like I have a greater calling, like I am here to help others in their time of need. Many people who know me also know that I will do whatever I can to help. I don’t like others feeling alone. I’ve been there, in a place where I felt like there was nobody I could turn to, and I hated it. It is something that I would wish on nobody and I feel that had I had a good understanding of my faith I would never have fallen so far from the real world. I would have been able to trust God to provide to me what I needed, and in hindsight He did…he gave me a man who helped me find myself and become a better person. I know sometimes my husband might drive me crazy and I wish I could just bang his head upside a wall, but I also know he was my gift from God. Had it not been for him I would not have the wonderful family I have now.

Throughout writing this I have come to realize that maybe I am not so clueless after all…I have realized that God has given me so much that I hadn’t given him credit for. So many people are without jobs, without a home, without food, without even a dollar to their name, and here I am typing on a laptop in a house with baby toys all over the living room and a beautiful daughter sleeping in her room. This has made me want to find a way to give credit where credit is due even more and I feel like I will be able to learn this in a church. Learn how to open my eyes and see the good everywhere instead of the bad, where I will be able to meet the people who will be a positive influence in my life and help me learn more about myself and my faith. I feel like with faith I will have a stronger marriage as well be able to provide my kids with a solid base for them to live out their lives positively.

The first step I need to take is to get out of my comfort zone and get into a church. I need to find one that I don’t feel like a fish out of water in and find my support group that will help me accept that it is ok not to know everything, that the answers are out there and I just need to find them.