Change of tone...

When did my attitude of Colleen change from being proud and excited of every little accomplishment to almost dreading what she will come up with next? 

Last night I was re-reading the posts I wrote on Colleen’s first and second birthdays and was shocked to see how the tone of those posts were so different from the one I had just posted for her 3^rd birthday (which was posted 2 weeks past her birthday).  All of the other posts I had up ON her actual birthday.  Sure, some people will think it’s no big deal but looking back, what was I doing in the past 2.5 weeks that I could not take 30 minutes to write down her accomplishments?  What had my attention?  Most importantly, was it worth it? 

Over the last year and a half, I have missed out on so much of Colleen’s life because of work and school.  For the most part of the last 78 weeks I have missed spending time with her close to 156 nights.  When I decided to go back to school I knew I would be missing out; I knew that she would build a closer relationship with her father than me and I hoped that she wouldn't remember me being gone so much during this time of her life.  Now I wonder how different things would be in our lives had I not been away.  Would she still refuse to go to bed at night or would she have a bedtime routine?  Would she still purposefully dump out cereal on the floor or would she want to help mommy by not making a big huge mess?  Perhaps there was really nothing I could do differently to change the way her little mind works – perhaps it is just the age of terrible twos and trying threes. 

Regardless of how she acts now I need to find a way to relate to her positively; I need to find common ground with her, even if it is switching roles every once in a while like we did this past weekend.  She took the “mommy” role and made me go lie down in my bed and close my eyes while she read me a night night story and rubbed my back. 

She loves to have picnics on the floor with her little plates and cups and REAL food.  The last picnic we had baby oranges of which we had to “Cheers” every slice of orange before I was able to eat it (I admit, I taught her that one).

She loves to color and I’m sure she would really enjoy me coloring a picture with her – maybe that way I could keep her on track of coloring on ONLY the paper and nothing else.  She has this idea that her little desk needs to be colored on to make it pretty…as well as my floor if not careful. 

I have a month off of school until the semester of chaos begins, so I have 30 days to make up for the time I have missed.  I am officially on “Fun Mommy” track and there may or may not be a lot of lists and planning involved but hey, that’s how I work.

Me: Colleen, why did you get upset at church today?

Colleen: Because I Love You Mommy and I missed you 

Colleen is 1

Colleen is 2

Colleen is 3

Colleen is 3!

I knew my life would change the moment I found out I was pregnant.  I knew my sleeping habits would change the moment I gave birth.  What I didn’t know is that I would be woken up almost every morning by a 3 foot curly headed little girl shaking me and yelling “MOMMY!!!  WAKE UP!  I want EGGS!”  Yep; this is how my days begin.  On the off chance I get up first, she makes it known she does not like being woken up by the sounds of my morning routine.  “TURN…THAT…OFF!  You woke me UP!”  Apparently my hair can wait to be dried until her beauty rest is complete.

My sweet little 7 pound 14 ounce baby girl has morphed into a 30 pound independent diva who values doing everything “myself”.  She refuses to ask for help, unless absolutely necessary, and makes sure you know it.  While she has no problem barging in on anyone else when they are in the bathroom she is adamant on her alone time – pushing everyone out of the bathroom “GET OUT!  I will call you if I need you to wipe my butt!”

Over the last year Colleen has become more confident in herself, her artistic abilities, and her ability to help mommy with household chores.  Her speech has obviously improved dramatically, she can sing numerous songs, knows all of her ABC’s and can even point them out as well as spell her name, however most of the time it comes out as “C-O-L-L-E-E-N spells Doodle.” 

She is a Houdini in training and has mastered all child safety locks including the doors, forcing us to install hotel locks up high on the doors so she can no longer get out of the back door, turn on the water hose, and help mommy clean the floor by flooding the living room with that said water hose.  Yep – the moment when you walk out of the bedroom to find your 2 year old with a garden hose in the house with water EVERYWHERE is not a moment you soon forget – nor is it a story that many people can top. 

The last child safety escape was probably the scariest.  I was taking a shower and she was able to get out of the door to the garage, open the garage door, find a PERMANENT marker and had enough time to color around the entirety of my car.  While I was very upset that I had permanent marker on my car with no clue how to get it off, I was more concerned that she was outside, by herself, and could have been seriously hurt had she ran out into the road.  I was then very grateful the marker and car distracted her and kept her closer to the house.  Not a proud mommy moment there. 

We have decided that she is indeed part monkey and after I found her hanging upside down from the iron canopy that hung over my four post bed – well…it is no longer there but that does not keep her from climbing on the top of my head board and jumping off onto the bed.  I’m amazed and SCARRED at what this little girl comes up with. 

Few things she loves to do:

1.       Watch “Super Why”

2.       Feed the animals

3.       Build “Towers”

4.       Jump

5.       Run Around

6.       Play

7.       Color (on herself) and paper

8.       Read books

9.       Ride bikes

1.       Take baths

11. Paint her nails (by herself)

What will this NEXT year bring?  I'm afraid to find out...

SSU Appeal Letter

September 11, 2013

To whom it may concern:

I was issued a parking ticket on 9/10/13 at 6:37 p.m. for parking in an Unauthorized Area (Faculty/Staff Parking) and for having an unregistered vehicle - my parking pass expired on August 30, 2013, of which I accept full responsibility for the expired pass, it was an oversight on my part; however the ticket for parking in an unauthorized area I would like to appeal. 

When I arrived on campus on Tuesday, September 10^th at approximately 5:45 p.m., there were no immediate student parking spots available in the COBA parking lot.  Due to the fact that my class would be in session until 8:50 p.m. that night, I was concerned with my own safety walking around to far away from the building so I parked next to one of the street lights on the Whiting Hall side of the parking lot in a faculty zoned area; of which the whole section of faculty spots were vacant.  Since I am unable to carry a personal protection weapon on campus and police escorts around campus are not available until after 9:00 p.m. (according to the news after the recent armed robbery report two weeks ago), I chose the safest parking spot.  Below are a few reasons why I am concerned with my safety on campus. 

Safety Concerns:

·        

            Latest armed robbery occurred on August 26, 2013 around 10:20 p.m. (see attached statement issued by Loretta Heyward)

·      

            According to the “Your Right to Know” pamphlet issued by Savannah State University Department of Public Safety, violent crimes have increased since 2010; forcible sex offences, robberies, and aggravated assaults have all doubled from 2010 to 2012. (See attached copy of pamphlet)

·        

      In 2011, “Business Insider” listed Savannah State University as the second most dangerous college in America (http://www.businessinsider.com/most-dangerous-colleges-in-america-2011-1?op=1).  

·         

      American School Search rates Savannah State University with a “D” on safety. (see attached)

Furthermore, according to the Parking Policies, Regulations, and Citation Appeals (version June 2013) Section H states “Parking restrictions as stated in Section G will be in effect from 7:30 a.m. – 4:00 p.m Monday through Friday, except when there are no classes.” Hence, the fact that I parked in the faculty parking spot at 5:45 p.m. and was still in the spot at 6:37 p.m. is irrelevant since I was under no violation other than the expired pass, of which I will correct as soon as possible. 

Thank you for your consideration in this matter,

Tanya Rich                         

                

I made it!

I give myself very little credit when it comes to accomplishments (a realization I made after staying up until midnight last night watching Dr. Phil).  I DID IT!!!  I survived tax season and spring semester of grad school all while being a wife and mom (although these past few months those roles suffered, I am very thankful that my husband took up the roll of daddy daycare as much as he could).

I am very thankful for the awesome support system that I have around me who helped me get through this time when I thought I wouldn't make it through.  I don't think I really knew how good I have it when it comes to family stepping in and helping out.   My mom never thought twice about picking up Colleen and taking her home with her on the nights I had class, or when I had to get papers done or even so I could go back to work.  She made sure Mark and Colleen were taken care of the nights I was away, cooking dinner and even sending some home for me to either eat when I made it home or to take to lunch the next day.  She really is a life savior!

As I look back now I do have some regrets that I want to keep on my mind so I can keep myself from doing the same thing this next semester.  I didn't give my husband enough credit for all that he did while I was away.  I know if I had been left home with a toddler all the time I would not be all that excited and extremely exhausted.  I had really high expectations for him and when he didn't meet them he caught my wrath for it and it wasn't fair of me to do that.

Going to school while working and being a mother and wife is kinda like delivering a baby; it REALLY sucks at the time and you think you wont make it but in the end you forget about all the pain and suffering and think "I can do it again".  Well, in two weeks I am going to do it again, but this time I am going to do it better!

Just 30 minutes a day...

30 minutes a day...thats all I am required to give myself to keep from going completely crazy.

I use to think I was superwoman, that there was nothing that I couldn't handle...now I question if I can handle any of it.  I have always worked full time while I went to school at night.  I for the most part always had a husband while I went to school as well...so I figured I could handle a two year old too along with the husband and work while going to school and be fine.  Last semester I only went mildly crazy so I figured I could do it again this semester but lets add just one more thing to the mix...tax season.

As I make my schedules on my Schedule app, mapping out where I need to be at every 15 minute interval, attempting to find my 30 minutes a day to myself, I am not all that surprised when I find that in order to make the time available I have to wake up 30 minutes earlier each day (something I am not to thrilled about doing).  In the middle of my stress ball life, I find myself failing over and over again.  My new years resolutions...may as well throw those in the recycle bin...every single one is a failure.  The one that apparently my husband noticed on me failing was the "clean something every day" because my two year old daughter is even saying "mommy has to work on the house"...talk about a punch to the gut.  Waking up, getting ready, getting Colleen ready, going to work, go straight to school, finally getting home at 10 at night, write papers, make powerpoints, study...where is the time to clean the house?  I'm lucky to get to eat dinner in there somewhere.

By the time Wednesday rolls around I am already an hour behind in my "me" time and zero extra hours in at work which brings on more guilt of leaving work on time, knowing that my boss will still be working for several more hours but Wednesday is the only weekday that the whole family is together.

Thursday arrives and while most are rejoicing that the week is almost over, I am wondering where the past week has gone.  At this point in the week I am exhausted, my house is generally a complete disaster and I am now 2 hours behind in "me" time.  I have at this point eaten at McDonalds at least twice and my energy level is making sure I remember why I tried to give it up.

Friday...beginning of the weekend; the weekend of which I try to figure out how I can find a babysitter so I can put a few extra hours into work, most of the time to no avail.  When I do find a sitter it is Sister, who already spends all her time with kids with no breaks so I guilty add one more to the mix.  One day I will repay her for all the times she  has helped me out watching Colleen.

Saturday is spent either working, if I have someone to watch Colleen, or attempting to clean, which anyone with small kids knows that it is difficult to clean when there is a toddler making a new mess after you just cleaned it up and using chemicals to do the real cleaning while they are awake is a no no because they want to help and not worth the potential danger.  Then add in all the errands that I couldn't do throughout the week like the grocery shopping.

Sunday...the day of learning how to not stress for a few hours then come home only to remember there is a paper due the next day that you forgot about and we start the whole cycle over again.

There is a light at the end of my stress tunnel...next week is last week of school before spring break and in 45 days tax season will be over and I wont have to find sitters.  In the mean time I need to remember that I am NOT superwoman and I do need to take a break, even if it is just 30 minutes a day.

Finding room to BREATHE

Ever wonder where time goes?  With work, school, family and a young daughter, I wonder this all the time.  I recently listened to a podcast by Andy Stanley entitled "Breathing room" and realized a few things...one being that I have NO room to breathe and it is no wonder why I am a giant stress ball. 

I recently wrote out my daily schedule, allocating all of my time to something so I know where I am spending it (kinda like a time budget) and realized that if I wanted any time with my family that I needed to cut a few things out.  I already had basically cut out TV from my day, I might watch something on the weekends but pretty much I don't watch it, there is just not enough time to waste watching TV. 

For me to spend even an hour of the day with my family I have to cut out even more.  So I am going to give up Facebook and Pinterest as well.  I'm not saying I will never get on them again, but I have more important things to do other the stalk other people on a social networking site.  I want to be able to enjoy life; be the fun mommy and not stress all the time.  I know this is a season of my life that will be extremely hard not to be a stress ball, most mothers of young children are stressed, but I also know that my stress levels are eventually going to tear my family apart if I don't watch it carefully. 

It is kind of comical looking and thinking about the number of lists and schedules I have for myself, but I do not have enough self control to "wing it" and I don't have the luxury to let things flow on their own.  I am the schedule keeper, the finance manager, bill payer, house keeper, meal planner, shopper, and I am sure there are more rolls I play but I don't have a list for those so I forget what else I do. 

Last month when I had my pregnancy scare, I thought long and hard about the choices I had in front of me...have more kids or stay with one?  Well, I made my decision and had an IUD implanted today so I am covered for 10 years.  While I know having more kids would be nice, I also know that I hold myself to such a high standard, I think adding more kids would stress me out even more.  Colleen has a big brother, so she has the benefits of having a sibling and be an only child at the same time.  She also has two cousins her age that she will grow up with so I don't think she will be missing out on anything.  Now that this decision has been made, there is one less thing to worry about. 

Time is not the only thing I need some breathing room in...the same is true for my finances.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I do not live an extravagant lifestyle, I don't drive a new car, or have expensive tastes, I don't care about brand names and can generally get in and out of a grocery store with enough food to last a month and have never gone over $250, but we still live paycheck to paycheck.  Being the money manager of the house, living on tight finances is a very stressful job.  My husband and I have two very different views on money.  I WILL get out of debt and live debt free, but he thinks there is no way it will happen so it makes getting out of debt an even harder battle.  I just have to be ok with knowing I will get us there on my own regardless of how frustrating it is.  So here begins my no spending month - i will do my best to not spend any unnecessary money in order to achieve my goals.

I also know I am very controlled, and therefore rarely have fun, so this is another area that needs addressing.  Since I can't spend money and I want to spend as much time with my family as I can, it looks like I will have to get over my irritation with the outdoors and find fun things to do outside.  I would love to make the backyard beautiful again and  have picnics and play garden tic tac toe like the one I found on Pinterest.  I really am tired of having the greenest yard in the neighborhood during the winter months so maybe I can read up on how to fix that problem.  I'm sure Colleen would LOVE to help mommy pull grass and weeds out of the flower beds.  There is so much to do, I just have to let myself do them. 

I need to have some "me" time as well...one thing I really enjoy is writing.  While I may not be the greatest writer, I'm not the worst either.  I do miss my carefree blogs though and want to try to get back to those days.  Rather then write about all the things I want to do, or want to fix, I want to write about Mommy life and the crazy things Colleen does like how she now has to put her babies to bed and rub their backs before she can leave the room, or how she pushes my kitchen chairs to the sink so she can "wash the dishes."  Those are the things I am going to miss in 5, 10, 15 years...not how I messed up one of my schedules and how I have to fix it for the next day.  I am going to have to add this to my schedule in order to block out the time to do it.

"Don't say anything at all"

I should be use to this feeling...

When I was 2 i had cataract surgery and my lenses were removed, leaving me blind (literally) without the use of contacts or glasses.  Since that age, all the way through 7th grade,  I wore these ridiculously thick glasses that make my eyes the size of my entire head.   As you could imagine I had very little, if any, self esteem.  Kids were down right mean, calling me names, throwing things at me, pushing me around and even ignoring me all together.  I walked with my head down so nobody could see my "big eyes" and stayed in at recess to help the teachers with their papers.  They all thought I was so wonderful, not knowing that I did it because none of the other kids would let me play with them had I actually gone out to recess.

8th grade came in a new state, new school and with contacts and no glasses.  I had a new life and could start over.  I had my small group of friends and even got complimented about my hair...it was a nice change from all the other things I have heard throughout the years and it became a fun little joke among our friends that I had the prettiest hair - it was the only thing I had going for me.

As the years progressed I got more and more confident in myself and left the past behind me.  I didn't care what those kids said to or about me...they were kids after all.  However in the past few months my self doubt has become apparent again...

A year and a half ago I started to lose weight and got a lot of compliments about it but then I kept losing weight and then the compliments stopped and they "you're too skinny" comments started coming in.  I would hear comments about how women who are so skinny that you see their rib bones are disgusting, afraid to say anything because for months I could, and still can, see every bone in my rib cage - I guess that makes me disgusting too.  It was never my intention to get as skinny as I am; I even stopped watching what I ate, started eating all the bad stuff again but nothing has helped me gain any weight back and I actually lose more weight doing it.

None of my clothes fit, and have had to buy all new clothes little bits at a time cause that is all I can afford to do.  I am faced with challenges that I never dreamed I would have to deal with...I am too skinny and too tall to pull off a lot of clothes without looking too skimpy.  Apparently the smaller the size of clothes gets, the shorter they get as well.  While I do want to dress conservatively, it is very hard to find on a very limited budget.  At the same time I don't like being told that everything I wear is to form fitting, to short, to baggy or just plain wrong.  I am an adult after all and if I wear something that is shorter cause that is all that I had to wear that day, or if I didn't have time to fix my hair cause I was too tired, then so be it.

If it's not my weight, or my clothes, then it is my sunglasses on my head or how I'm wrong for wanting to teach Colleen to use the potty since she is still young, even though she is interested in it.   Everything I do or say is always wrong and when I don't say anything, that seems to be worse.  When I stand up for something that I believe is wrong...well, that's wrong too.  I am tired of feeling like I can't say or do anything without it backfiring on me.  I don't say anything about it either in order to "keep the peace".

In order for me to let things go I have to let it out first.  It might not be the right way but at this point in time it is the only way I know.   But this adds to my resolutions...going to the teaching principles of Thumper "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" cause you never know if there is a person in the next room that is going through what you are talking bad about.  I encourage everyone to do the same...