"Don't say anything at all"

I should be use to this feeling...

When I was 2 i had cataract surgery and my lenses were removed, leaving me blind (literally) without the use of contacts or glasses.  Since that age, all the way through 7th grade,  I wore these ridiculously thick glasses that make my eyes the size of my entire head.   As you could imagine I had very little, if any, self esteem.  Kids were down right mean, calling me names, throwing things at me, pushing me around and even ignoring me all together.  I walked with my head down so nobody could see my "big eyes" and stayed in at recess to help the teachers with their papers.  They all thought I was so wonderful, not knowing that I did it because none of the other kids would let me play with them had I actually gone out to recess.

8th grade came in a new state, new school and with contacts and no glasses.  I had a new life and could start over.  I had my small group of friends and even got complimented about my hair...it was a nice change from all the other things I have heard throughout the years and it became a fun little joke among our friends that I had the prettiest hair - it was the only thing I had going for me.

As the years progressed I got more and more confident in myself and left the past behind me.  I didn't care what those kids said to or about me...they were kids after all.  However in the past few months my self doubt has become apparent again...

A year and a half ago I started to lose weight and got a lot of compliments about it but then I kept losing weight and then the compliments stopped and they "you're too skinny" comments started coming in.  I would hear comments about how women who are so skinny that you see their rib bones are disgusting, afraid to say anything because for months I could, and still can, see every bone in my rib cage - I guess that makes me disgusting too.  It was never my intention to get as skinny as I am; I even stopped watching what I ate, started eating all the bad stuff again but nothing has helped me gain any weight back and I actually lose more weight doing it.

None of my clothes fit, and have had to buy all new clothes little bits at a time cause that is all I can afford to do.  I am faced with challenges that I never dreamed I would have to deal with...I am too skinny and too tall to pull off a lot of clothes without looking too skimpy.  Apparently the smaller the size of clothes gets, the shorter they get as well.  While I do want to dress conservatively, it is very hard to find on a very limited budget.  At the same time I don't like being told that everything I wear is to form fitting, to short, to baggy or just plain wrong.  I am an adult after all and if I wear something that is shorter cause that is all that I had to wear that day, or if I didn't have time to fix my hair cause I was too tired, then so be it.

If it's not my weight, or my clothes, then it is my sunglasses on my head or how I'm wrong for wanting to teach Colleen to use the potty since she is still young, even though she is interested in it.   Everything I do or say is always wrong and when I don't say anything, that seems to be worse.  When I stand up for something that I believe is wrong...well, that's wrong too.  I am tired of feeling like I can't say or do anything without it backfiring on me.  I don't say anything about it either in order to "keep the peace".

In order for me to let things go I have to let it out first.  It might not be the right way but at this point in time it is the only way I know.   But this adds to my resolutions...going to the teaching principles of Thumper "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" cause you never know if there is a person in the next room that is going through what you are talking bad about.  I encourage everyone to do the same...