The emotions are still very alive in me – the worry of my newborn daughter being sick and you had to keep her in her own special light box – the sadness I felt, being alone at the hospital…waiting for her to get better – the anguish of hearing her cry as the nurses stabbed her foot for the umpteenth time to draw blood. I told my husband I was fine, that I could handle it on my own and that he had a son who needed him too, but I lied; I cried so much that first night. As a new mother I didn’t know what to do, how to act, what questions to ask. I’ve never had to make medical decisions for someone else before and yet here I was – caring for someone who couldn’t take care of themselves. I felt like a failure, like I had done something wrong for us being where we were even though in my head I knew this happened a lot and it couldn’t have been prevented.
Fast forward 2 months and here we are again…the hospital…my little girl is sick and nobody knows from what. Again all those emotions are present. I knew for sure I had done something wrong…maybe I let someone sick get too close to her, or maybe I didn’t have her bundled up warm enough, or even maybe I ate something wrong and that’s what caused her to be sick. I remember the screaming all night long from the hunger pains I knew she had to have since she was not allowed to eat. Again I lied and said I could handle it on my own. I don’t know what was worse, holding her and not being allowed to feed her or two months ago of only holding her long enough TO feed her. The talk of potential surgery terrified me – again I didn’t know what to do but to sit there with her as she slowly got better.
My daughter spent a total of 5 days in the hospital since she has been born and for both visits I felt like it was the end of the world. I knew I had it easy compared to so many other parents out there who fight every day for their child’s life but in that moment none of it mattered. The experience was terrifying for me and I can only imagine what it must be like for you. My daughter had jaundice and a stomach bug while your son has a very sick heart – it almost seems incomparable. I know your pain, at least a small part of it, and pray for you to keep your strength for your baby boy’s sake.
Please keep baby Thomas in your thoughts. Although I don’t personally know this family I know that they need all the prayers they can get. You can read more about baby Thomas HERE.
There are so many sick children out there that we tend to forget about. I’m ashamed to admit that had I not had a small dosage of what so many families go through I probably would have never given thought to anyone outside my family. I vow to never be as close minded and naive as I once was and will always have a special place for these families in my heart.
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