I don’t need a fancy car or diamond rings – I need love and affection.
Valentine’s Day is not about presents and flowers...it's a day to go out of your way to let the special someone in your life that you really love them. Sure you love them every day but life tends to get in the way of really showing it...
Life tends to go a little something like this…
Wake up. Take shower. Get kids ready. Take kids to school, daycare, Grammy’s house etc. Go to work. Come home. Cook dinner. Clean up. Get kids ready for bed. Go to bed and start again the next day.
Where is the romance in there – where is the time that you can really show your spouse that you love them. When is the extra effort made to say “Hey, I really appreciate what you do for me and our family and by the way – you look AMAZING.”
Since Colleen was born (and most likely all during the pregnancy) I’ve been struggling with feeling like I am appreciated and loved. I’ve struggled with balancing working, momhood, being a wife, keeping the house clean, and everything else I am tasked with. I am often times in my own little bubble with nobody to share my thoughts and feelings with since I have no time to venture off and find a group of friends. I often feel so alone and need a jump start to feeling at peace again. Then Valentine’s Day comes up…
On Saturday I called my husband up at work and told him I wanted salon grade shampoo and conditioner for Valentine’s day (really it was an excuse to buy the stuff since I would feel too guilty to buy it on a regular day). He then proceeded to tell me that he wanted to get me a new charm for my bracelet – one of a cross or something to that nature. GREAT IDEA! I decided to look online and see if I could find one I liked at the stores around – and found that Belk was having this awesome sale going on that day until 2 so I told Mark and he said to go get it (why not save money when you can). He does get credit for the idea – the thought counted.
Monday night rolled around and it was late – almost midnight before I went to bed and Mark was still up. I thought it would be cute to put his card on his pillow so when he came to bed it would be past midnight and officially Valentine’s Day. I don’t know when he came to bed but when I woke up the next morning he had written on the mirror “Happy Valentine’s Day – I love you” – nice gesture and I should have accepted that at that. I figured when he got his card it dawned on him that he forgot my card so he was buying himself some time and I was ok with that. He called me later in the day and asked if we had any plans for the night cause he was asked to watch the boys. I said I didn’t have plans – I figured he did…well I was wrong. So I get home – ended up ordering pizza (not my favorite food in the world) but there was a card…from Colleen and the kids…not from my husband. He thought that the writing on the mirror was a substitution for a card. He actually said I got my card this morning on the mirror, and I got my charms and even got something unexpected (card from the kids) so he did more than he needed.
I don’t need presents – the only reason I like cards is because there are so many to choose from you have to read so many to find THE ONE that fits the best – it takes thought and time. Valentine’s day is about presents and flowers to the stores – not to me. I just want to feel loved and thought of. I figured a special dinner would have been cooked since I told him we couldn’t afford to go out to eat again since we just ate out on Friday. I feel like such an awful person for getting upset over a day.
Someone had said that they don’t celebrate Valentine’s Day because they show they love each other every day – well I like to celebrate because I don’t feel loved every day – I feel alone. I am constantly begging for some type of attention – please just talk to me – can we turn off the TV and the computer, can we just spend time together? Can you spit out the nasty crap so I can have a kiss? Can I try to come on to you without you pushing me away?
I have a problem – I analyze everything and it gets me into trouble a lot and makes me feel horrible a lot of times. With special days such as this when nothing special is done I feel like I’m not special enough to do anything for. I’m not important enough to take the time to write down a few words in a card to say how much I’m loved. I’m not worth spitting out the nasty stuff to get a kiss. I wouldn’t have thought I would have to specifically spell out that a kiss is a requirement for Valentine’s Day but apparently I do (making mental note). I think next year I’m going to rip the day out of my calendar and try to forget about it entirely – think of it as just another day because I’m tired of feeling this way – feeling as I do every day compounded 50 times because it was suppose to be special.
I love my husband and while I know he loves me too I don’t think he knows how I need to be shown that I’m loved – and that’s not his fault. I need to work on getting over my insecurities, get over my need to feel needed, get over my fear of being just another face in the crowd that nobody will ever notice. I'm afraid that if I do get over it all then I really wont be needed, loved or noticed...
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