Marriage wake up call...

This past weekend we traveled to Texas for a wedding and generally when you go to a wedding you get that "awwwww" gushy effect, but for me I had a incredibly guilty feeling.  Sitting in the chapel, listening to the preacher talk about love and marriage and the choices you make on the day you get married and every day after that made me realize I haven't been living and loving my husband as I should.

I should love my husband for him but I am constantly wanting him to change and getting mad when he doesn't.  I want him to do things my way rather then accepting and working around how he does things.  I push him to show me love how I want to be loved rather then accepting his way of showing love.  I rationalize that he should want to change the way he does things to make me happy but at the same time I should be changing how I do things as well to better accommodate him.  I desperately want us to be on the same page but can't seem to figure out how to get there.

I am impatient (which pretty much everyone knows about me).  I want things to be great RIGHT NOW, but know in my head that things like a wonderful marriage takes time.  I feel awful because Mark has figured out how to accept my faults as just being a part of me, but I haven't figured out how to do the same for him.

I am more comfortable with order and I do everything I can to make sure there is order in my life, even if it creates conflict in the process.  I haven't REALLY figured out compromise, I say I do, and know the idea of compromise but I don't think I really put it into practice.  I know there are some things that I feel is important but I don't know at what level of importance I should compromise on.  My father always says "pick the hill you will die on" but there are so many hills I think at the moment I will die on.  How do you know what hill you really will die on?  Perhaps if I can answer this question I will then finally figure out the art of compromise.

Part of having the wonderful marriage is knowing who you are, Mark knows who he is, I just don't know fully who I am.  I am always so busy taking care of others, I don't take the time to take care for myself.  This next year, one of my resolutions is to figure out me...in the next 16 days of this year I will attempt to figure the best method to do that.