Baby or no baby...

Baby or no baby, that is the question...

Two weeks ago I took a pregnancy test to rule a pregnancy out when I was having to pee every 5 minutes.  I thought I had a UTI or something but since there was no pain a "what if" crossed my mind.  Once I took the test the plus sign was almost immediate.  Disbelief was my first reaction, how did this happen?  I have been on birth control for almost a year and have still been very careful.  A baby was not in the plans I had for my life, I thought I was done having kids, that Colleen was enough...

I took a second test just to confirm, however this one came back negative, as did the next 3.  According to Google, a false positive was VERY uncommon so I went to the midwife to have a blood test done.  Six days after the positive test I got the call that confirmed, there is no trace of the "baby hormone" and I was not pregnant.

I had 6 days of thinking there was a strong possibility I was pregnant, 6 days of planning out what I was going to do with school, money and even pick out names.  I had it all figured out; If I couldn't do independent study for the classes that semester then I would take that time off school and use it to study and take the CPA exam, therefore the timeline of school and getting my license wouldn't be delayed, just rearranged.

For 6 days, I wanted another child, I wanted to have another delivery, another baby to hold and train to be a momma's baby since my little girl is a daddy's girl all the way.  Now that I am not pregnant all the doubts of having another child is back and I don't know what to do.  I am too practical, I know the finances are tight and another baby would only make it tighter, I know that I need to finish school and having another child would only make it harder. I also know that if I don't have another baby soon there will be a larger age gap then I would want between the kids and my husband is not getting any younger either.

Now I don't know what to do...deciding to have or not to have another baby is a big decision and can come up with every excuse to have or not to have.  This is the reason I was happy for the "oops" cause the decision was out of my hands, what was done was done.  Now it is back to decision time, do we try or find a more long term method of birth control?  Why can't decisions be easy?