She's a Dancer...

Last August, I signed Colleen up for her first dance class at a dance studio near my office.  Her class was on Monday's at 10 a.m., not exactly the best time for me but I wanted her to have some way to get some of her energy out.  I really wanted to put her in gymnastics since she is a monkey in disguise, but she was too young and this class had tumbling every other week along with tap and ballet.  After a few months the dance became too much on me, especially since in order to get her to dance every other week I had to take her to work with me for that first hour of the day and she got into EVERYTHING while she was there.  With tax season fast approaching I knew I couldn't do that anymore so I pulled her out at the end of October. 

In December my best friend sent me the following excerpt from a blog, not knowing I had pulled Colleen out...

Gillian Lynn – a choreographer who did Cats, and Phantom. They had lunch and he asked “how’d you get to be a dancer?” She said when I was in school, in the 30′s I was really hopeless, and the school wrote to her parents and said she has a learning disorder. Probably now they’d say she had ADHD. But this was the 30′s, and it hadn’t been invented, it wasn’t an available condition. People weren’t aware they could have that.  

So she went to see this specialist, in this oak paneled room, and she sat on her hands while this woman talked to her mother about all the problems Gillian was having at school. And at the end of it, (she was 8), the doctor went and sat next to her, and said “I’ve listened to all the things that your mother has told me, and I need to speak with her privately, we’ll be right back.”  

As he went out the room, he turned on the radio that was sitting on his desk. and when they got out of the room, he said, “just watch her”. Soon as they left, she was on her feet, moving to the music. He said to her mother “Mrs, Lynn, Gillian isn’t sick, she’s a dancer. take her to a dance school”.   

She did. 

“I went to this room, and it was full of people like me. People who couldn’t sit still, people who had to move, to think. They did ballet, tap, jazz, everything.”  

Then she got a wonderful career at the royal ballet, graduated, founded her own company, met Andrew Lloyd Weber, and has been responsible for some of the most amazing ballets in history...   

Someone else might have put her on medication, and told her to calm down...

After I read this I felt horrible for pulling her out because this was Colleen - the young girl that has a hard time sitting still, who loved to dance around the room, who I know is very smart and gets bored easily and could easily be classified as ADHD but I will not be medicating her even if she was; yet here I took her out of something that she could redirect some of that energy to. 

A few days later I received a call from the owner of the dance studio, asking why we pulled Colleen out.  After I explained the situation she offered to switch her to a class on Saturday.  It was at a perfect time for me; I could drop her off, work for an hour, pick her back up and continue on with my day. 

Recently I began doubting if I would sign her up for next year; she will be old enough for gymnastics and from what I have seen, she wasn't very enthusiastic about dance.  Well, that was before her dance recital yesterday.  She was so excited about dancing on the BIG stage, she was absolutely ADORABLE in her costume AND she DANCED!  She had learned how to dance despite what I had thought.  After the recital she was even teaching me and Mom how to tap to the "Hot Dog" song.  I have no idea at this point if she will ever be a great dancer, but as long as she has fun it doesn't matter.  I won't push her to continue if she don't want to but as far as next year, I will sign her up again.   She is a dancer...

Taking a stroll down memory lane...

January 6, 2011: Our first day back at work and Colleen pooped all over her outfit almost an hour after we got there. I forgot extra socks so I rubber banded the bottom of her pant legs to keep her feet warm. 

January 14, 2011: Discovered Mark is the only person Colleen don’t like in the family – did not cry with Pa-Paw or grandma, only her daddy.

January 24: Let daddy hold you without crying.

January 25: Laughed a little – not enough to qualify as a real giggle.

March 4: Colleen rolled over from her stomach to back for the first time.  She didn’t know why her mommy was so excited but enjoyed it nonetheless.

Last entry – March 24: Stayed home all day with daddy – ate peas…

I had a great idea when Colleen was little to keep up with what was going on in a day planner I made just for this purpose; however it only lasted 3 months and then there was nothing.  Many of her other milestones were recorded on FaceBook with the intent to record them at a later date, however, here it is May 15, 2014 and I have yet to record them.  My memories are for the most part gone, I have forgotten what she has achieved and when she achieved them. 

What brought on memory lane?  I read a blog post today about a woman who is keeping a one line journal of what is going on during her mommy life in a 5 year memory book. (You can read it here) I instantly regretted not keeping up with my “diary” of Colleen’s achievements.  Looking back at what I do have brought back so many memories, like the first time she stayed home with Mark (on March 4^th).  When she was nursing she refused to take a bottle.  I had come home at lunch to feed her and she was supposed to have a bottle before I made it home at 5, however she refused.  I rushed home worrying that my poor baby girl would be starving and when I walked in the door Mark was sitting with her at the table feeding her peas.  He smiled up at me and simply said she was hungry and wouldn’t take the bottle so he fed her peas until I made it home.  I remember thinking I had nothing to worry about – her daddy wasn’t going to let anything happen to her. 

Now that Colleen is 3.5 years old, most of her baby milestones are over, however she still does things that I want to remember, like her singing the monkey/alligator song to me – its so adorable, I will have to get a video of her singing it.  I still want to record those memories so I ordered me one of the 5 year memory diaries.  In the mean time I’m going to go back in time and attempt to record some of those milestones I’d written down on Facebook…who knows what I will discover – I’m eager to find out. 

To Serve and Protect

Midway Police Department - 2014

My first real encounter with the police was when I was 16 years old and working at a hotel.  Two men came in wearing ski masks, pointing a gun at me, making me get down on the floor as they robbed the cash drawer.  I was forced to walk out of the hotel and walk towards the back while they ran the opposite way.  By the time I made it back into the office to call the police I couldn’t even remember 911 – I instead called the police department number that was taped to the telephone.  Officers were there within minutes, making sure I was ok, searching the area, taking reports.  The guys who robbed me were eventually caught and are most likely still in jail.  In that moment of need, the police was there for me.

The second time I needed the police was after my first car accident; I ran into the back of another car, it was late at night and I didn’t notice the car in front of me was turning onto a dirt driveway off the main road.  It was loud and scary and being 17, I had no idea what to do.  Luckily someone who lived nearby heard the crash and called the police for me.  Again, they were there within minutes, reassuring me everything would be ok.  There were many more accidents of which the police did the same thing for me, although all other times it was NOT my fault.

An officer had to come by the house once to do a report after my car was broken into while in the driveway.  Most recently I had called the station to have an officer make sure nobody was outside my office at 11 at night after I heard really strange noises.  The officer, after searching the area, waited in the parking lot for me to close everything down to ensure I made it to my car safely.

Yes, I have even had a few officers pull me over from everything from not wearing a seat belt, headlight, taillights, and even speeding.  Every one of these instances fall within a cops job requirements and that is only touching on a few things.  Their job contains so much more.  They are the ones putting themselves between the innocent and the dangerous, many times knowing that they may not make it out of the situation injury free and they do it every day. 

Cops are not the bad guys, yes there are a few bad apples, but there are bad apples everywhere.  Most of these officers are selfless, caring, and honorable.  One officer in particular is the apple of my eye; I have seen the many selfless acts he does, have seen the way he has taken care of a situation leaving everyone peaceful, and I have seen the way some calls have left him brokenhearted.  He has helped people in need along with helping people who got themselves in sticky situations find a way out of the hole they dug for themselves. He is one of the most loyal and honorable people I know…my husband. 

My husband has been a police officer for over 20 years and over those years he has learned a lot about his job and people.  He uses that knowledge to teach others how to stay alive as they do their jobs as well.  He sacrifices his free time to help others learn what to watch out for on traffic stops, how to be one step ahead of everyone else, how to shoot to keep them alive, how to deflect a dangerous situation to a more positive situation.  He trains himself to remain alert so when he is in dangerous situations he will still be able to come home that night. 

Some people forget that there are people behind those badges and those people are mothers and fathers, husbands and wives, sons and daughters – they have a life outside of their job just as every other profession.  People fail to realize if they are on the receiving end of one of the negative aspects of a cops job, it was them who put themselves in those situations, not the officer’s. 

Many people are unaware that this week is National Police Week; a week to honor those men and women who risk their lives daily to serve and protect others.  There are some who give no thought what so ever to the men and women behind the badge just as there are some people who do whatever they can to cause trouble for those officers, and there are some who love and respect those officers for everything they do. 

For those of you who show your appreciation to these officers, thank you!  For those of you who make a cop’s job harder, PLEASE, have a heart to heart with yourself and figure out what you really have a problem with, because I highly doubt the officer is the root of your problems.

I challenge everyone to show some compassion, put yourself in these officers’ shoes and ask yourself, how you would feel doing their job, ask yourself what you can learn from these men and women.  These officers wake up every morning put on a badge knowing it may be the last time they walk out of the house but praying it’s not.  

A POLICE OFFICER'S PRAYER

Lord I ask for courage

Courage to face and
Conquer my own fears...

Courage to take me
Where others will not go...

I ask for strength

Strength of body to protect others
And strength of spirit to lead others...

I ask for dedication

Dedication to my job, to do it well
Dedication to my community
To keep it safe...

Give me Lord, concern
For others who trust me
And compassion for those who need me...

And please Lord

Through it all
Be at my side...

 To those of you who serve and protect, Thank You!  You may never know what a difference you really make. 


Other posts:
Being a Cops Wife
Fear of Single Parenthood

I am a Mother

This is the moment I became a mother...the moment I said "I do" was also the same moment I took on the responsibility of motherhood, although he wasn't officially mine, I knew in my heart it didn't matter, I would love him as if he were.   

This is the moment I "officially" became a mother.  It took me 9 months to grow this 7 pound 14 ounce little girl and I still have the stretch marks to prove it.  When she was born I felt complete, my baby, my little Colleen, would bring me so much frustration and joy, so much anxiety and happiness - she has accomplished so much in her short 3.5 year life, including amazing me each day.  

Being a mother isn't about giving birth, its about loving the children that have been brought into your life.  It's easy being Colleen's mom, she loves me despite my faults, despite my lack of patience; I have every day to show her she is loved, to show her that I am human and even human mommies make mistakes in how we act and raise them.  Its much harder being a step-mom, knowing that the only time you have to offer guidance and show them love is not your time at all.  I am constantly struggling to get an hour of borrowed time.  I want so many things for him but at the end of the day it doesn't seem to  matter because I still have no say and that is harder to handle than any temper tantrum Colleen may throw.  I love my children, regardless of what title I may or may not have, I just wish I had that special time and relationship with both of them.     

                           

      

Stopping to smell the roses

Stopping to smell the roses...

A few days ago I picked Colleen up from "school" and we went on an adventure to Walmart.  As soon as we get there she has to use the bathroom, but before we head to the restrooms she stops at the floral area and smells almost every bouquet of flowers on display.  I remember thinking we need to hurry up but then I looked at her and smiled, allowing her to continue to smell the roses.  I want to start stopping to smell the roses - to find the simple things in life that bring me happiness.

Today was a good day for rose smelling, especially since my baby girl visited me at work and brought me a dozen red roses while telling me "Happy Easter" instead of Mothers Day - but I wouldn't change the mix up for anything.  She then handed me a card of which she proceeded to help me see what it is by opening it for me.  She is such a helpful little girl.  

As a continuation of my early Mothers Day we went to lunch. At the BBQ restaurant Colleen sees two piggy banks, one big and one little, sitting side by side.  She took it upon herself to help take care of the baby pig cause the mommy pig needed a break - seriously it was the cutest thing (would have been cuter had the pig been plastic - luckily we made it out without breaking the baby pig).  

Later at home it was just the two of us - attempting to keep my cool and do fun things we decide to take the dogs for a walk.  She walks Bella and I walked Bernie (aka Barney).  We didn't make it past the neighbors house before Bella pulls her down and we had to discuss the proper way to hold the leash so it wouldn't happen again, although with a 30 pound girl holding the leash of a 30 pound dog there was no real avoidance of some struggles, nonetheless we made it down the road and back with no more incidents. 

Colleen has a fascination with feeding things - today she had to get some dirt to feed the snakes in the bushes "don't worry mom, I'm not feeding real snakes, I'm just pretending."  So she thinks...

Bed time rolls around and Colleen is suppose to go to bed; I was listening to music, playing wirelessly through my phone, when all the sudden my music changes...again...and again.  Upon inspection I notice my phone is missing.  I couldn't help but laugh when I go to Colleen's room and her head pops up and my phone in her hands "I was just changing the song - I'm still in my bed."

The boys made it home and the next thing I know she is doing pushups with her brother; wish I had a video of that scene.  Once she sees me she comes running to me "mommy, can I do that with Bubba?"  Whatever, its Friday night - go ahead.  A few minutes later she comes running up to me with a sticker "Mommy, I saw you cleaning the laundry room and you did a great job!  Thumbs up!  Pinky promise! Here is your sticker!"  Thumbs up I get, pinky promise....well we need to help her understand that one a little better but it was still adorable and innocent.  The sticker brought up a question in my mind - why is my 3 year old giving me stickers for doing a good job and not the other way around?  That will be my mission for tomorrow...

Looking at the positive of the day and I can say it was a great day...I am however leaving out the spraying of sun screen all over herself, the entire package of 24 rolls of toilet paper that is in the trash after it made its way from the closet and into the bathtub, and the blue handprint on my bedroom door that I am certain wasn't there this morning, but hey...we are smelling the roses. 

Time to breathe

Time to breathe…

For the last four months my life has consisted of sleep, work and school, papers and deadlines, tests and tax returns and most of all there was no time to breathe. 

This year I worked at least 116 hours of overtime in 2.5 months on top of being away from home for an additional 8 hours a week going to school – yeah, breathing time was not high on the priority list.  My husband was a real champion during this time, not complaining about taking care of Colleen or never seeing me.  He may have been a little fussy one night when I had to call him to rescue me at 11pm from the side of the road because I may have had a fight with a curb and it won, putting a nice hole in the side of my tire – but all in all my time away was pretty uneventful. 

I took my last exam last night, turned in my last paper last week, and now there is nothing to do but wait for grades; not that I really care what grade I make, just as long as I pass.  School is officially out of my mind for the next month and a half.  For the next 49 days I will get to go to work at 9, leave at 5 and actually have time to spend with my family and with myself. 

So my new dilemma – what to do with all this time I will have.  I don’t want to waste the time with mindless TV watching or internet searching.  I want to do something meaningful with my time, something that I will look back on and think it was fun.  I desperately want to be fun…it’s just my non-fun self holding me back.  So I did my traditional “Tanya” thing and made a list…

A few things I really want to do with my time:

1.       DEEP clean and organize my house – I would like to be able to have visitors, however, not being home for the past four months has really done a number on my house work.  Colleen keeps growing and outgrowing toys/clothes as well as her ability to persuade you into buying her more stuff at the store “OHHHH!  Mommy I LOVE THIS!  Can I have it PLEASE?”  Yep – enter guilty absent mommy here and soon you have overabundance of STUFF.

2.       Healthy living – I've been surviving off fast food and junk these past few months, no time to really cook good healthy food or even go to the grocery store so my weight has increased a few pounds – not that I didn't need to gain a few pounds, but my clothes are starting to get tight and after I splurged and bought good clothes I really do not want to have to go up a size. I want to actually plan my meals, exercise, and play outside (which means I will have to brave the bugs) with Colleen and get some color on my pale self.

 

3.       Spend time with Colleen – it was heartbreaking some mornings when I’d leave for work and Colleen would look up at me and say “Mommy, I don’t want you to go to work – can you stay at home with me?”  My sweet baby girl…

4.       Sew/Paint – I know I've been saying I wanted to learn how to sew for years; I have everything I need to do it, except the time.  Now I will have the time to devote to practicing; the same for painting – I really enjoyed going to my painting classes, and while I’m not very good at it, I think I am better than when I first started, therefore I can paint some pictures to replace some of the not so great ones hanging on my office wall – the ones that people keep asking if my child painted…yep – awkward.

5.       Build real relationships – I've always wanted to be the person who took cookies to the neighbors, who people stopped to say “Hello” to, but I’m not that person – YET.  I’m still “Mark’s wife” to the neighbors who even know who I am.  I want to be the dependable neighbor – the one people go to when they need something, emergency baby sitter, a cup of sugar, etc.  I want to have adult conversations with real people and not just post a status on Facebook to have people, who I never talk to, give me their comments on.  I want to have barbecues in my back yard (which means I need to clean up my back yard too – see “What I want to accomplish number 1” and add “Clean back yard”). 

6.       Grow spiritually – I need to discipline myself to reading and studying the Bible, I need to quit relying on my own ability to control things (since we all know how much I like to be in control).  I tend to want instant results in this area – I want to know everything quickly – do everything right instantly – so I guess the first thing I need to work on is my patience.  One step at a time.  I have been able to memorize one Bible verse – mainly because I've written it so many times trying to get it to look nice on my dry erase board…”Don’t be anxious about anything, but in every situation by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God” Philippians 4:6

Most of all I want to live a meaningful life and not just live life.  I want to be intentional with the things I do.  I want to be different, the good different, the different that people can look at and say “I can take charge of my life too” – I want to quit letting the world dictate to me how I am suppose to be, what I am suppose to do.  I want to be the person to make a difference to those around me and I will accomplish this during my new free time, the time I will use to breathe and live life to the fullest.