I made it!

I give myself very little credit when it comes to accomplishments (a realization I made after staying up until midnight last night watching Dr. Phil).  I DID IT!!!  I survived tax season and spring semester of grad school all while being a wife and mom (although these past few months those roles suffered, I am very thankful that my husband took up the roll of daddy daycare as much as he could).

I am very thankful for the awesome support system that I have around me who helped me get through this time when I thought I wouldn't make it through.  I don't think I really knew how good I have it when it comes to family stepping in and helping out.   My mom never thought twice about picking up Colleen and taking her home with her on the nights I had class, or when I had to get papers done or even so I could go back to work.  She made sure Mark and Colleen were taken care of the nights I was away, cooking dinner and even sending some home for me to either eat when I made it home or to take to lunch the next day.  She really is a life savior!

As I look back now I do have some regrets that I want to keep on my mind so I can keep myself from doing the same thing this next semester.  I didn't give my husband enough credit for all that he did while I was away.  I know if I had been left home with a toddler all the time I would not be all that excited and extremely exhausted.  I had really high expectations for him and when he didn't meet them he caught my wrath for it and it wasn't fair of me to do that.

Going to school while working and being a mother and wife is kinda like delivering a baby; it REALLY sucks at the time and you think you wont make it but in the end you forget about all the pain and suffering and think "I can do it again".  Well, in two weeks I am going to do it again, but this time I am going to do it better!

Just 30 minutes a day...

30 minutes a day...thats all I am required to give myself to keep from going completely crazy.

I use to think I was superwoman, that there was nothing that I couldn't handle...now I question if I can handle any of it.  I have always worked full time while I went to school at night.  I for the most part always had a husband while I went to school as well...so I figured I could handle a two year old too along with the husband and work while going to school and be fine.  Last semester I only went mildly crazy so I figured I could do it again this semester but lets add just one more thing to the mix...tax season.

As I make my schedules on my Schedule app, mapping out where I need to be at every 15 minute interval, attempting to find my 30 minutes a day to myself, I am not all that surprised when I find that in order to make the time available I have to wake up 30 minutes earlier each day (something I am not to thrilled about doing).  In the middle of my stress ball life, I find myself failing over and over again.  My new years resolutions...may as well throw those in the recycle bin...every single one is a failure.  The one that apparently my husband noticed on me failing was the "clean something every day" because my two year old daughter is even saying "mommy has to work on the house"...talk about a punch to the gut.  Waking up, getting ready, getting Colleen ready, going to work, go straight to school, finally getting home at 10 at night, write papers, make powerpoints, study...where is the time to clean the house?  I'm lucky to get to eat dinner in there somewhere.

By the time Wednesday rolls around I am already an hour behind in my "me" time and zero extra hours in at work which brings on more guilt of leaving work on time, knowing that my boss will still be working for several more hours but Wednesday is the only weekday that the whole family is together.

Thursday arrives and while most are rejoicing that the week is almost over, I am wondering where the past week has gone.  At this point in the week I am exhausted, my house is generally a complete disaster and I am now 2 hours behind in "me" time.  I have at this point eaten at McDonalds at least twice and my energy level is making sure I remember why I tried to give it up.

Friday...beginning of the weekend; the weekend of which I try to figure out how I can find a babysitter so I can put a few extra hours into work, most of the time to no avail.  When I do find a sitter it is Sister, who already spends all her time with kids with no breaks so I guilty add one more to the mix.  One day I will repay her for all the times she  has helped me out watching Colleen.

Saturday is spent either working, if I have someone to watch Colleen, or attempting to clean, which anyone with small kids knows that it is difficult to clean when there is a toddler making a new mess after you just cleaned it up and using chemicals to do the real cleaning while they are awake is a no no because they want to help and not worth the potential danger.  Then add in all the errands that I couldn't do throughout the week like the grocery shopping.

Sunday...the day of learning how to not stress for a few hours then come home only to remember there is a paper due the next day that you forgot about and we start the whole cycle over again.

There is a light at the end of my stress tunnel...next week is last week of school before spring break and in 45 days tax season will be over and I wont have to find sitters.  In the mean time I need to remember that I am NOT superwoman and I do need to take a break, even if it is just 30 minutes a day.

Finding room to BREATHE

Ever wonder where time goes?  With work, school, family and a young daughter, I wonder this all the time.  I recently listened to a podcast by Andy Stanley entitled "Breathing room" and realized a few things...one being that I have NO room to breathe and it is no wonder why I am a giant stress ball. 

I recently wrote out my daily schedule, allocating all of my time to something so I know where I am spending it (kinda like a time budget) and realized that if I wanted any time with my family that I needed to cut a few things out.  I already had basically cut out TV from my day, I might watch something on the weekends but pretty much I don't watch it, there is just not enough time to waste watching TV. 

For me to spend even an hour of the day with my family I have to cut out even more.  So I am going to give up Facebook and Pinterest as well.  I'm not saying I will never get on them again, but I have more important things to do other the stalk other people on a social networking site.  I want to be able to enjoy life; be the fun mommy and not stress all the time.  I know this is a season of my life that will be extremely hard not to be a stress ball, most mothers of young children are stressed, but I also know that my stress levels are eventually going to tear my family apart if I don't watch it carefully. 

It is kind of comical looking and thinking about the number of lists and schedules I have for myself, but I do not have enough self control to "wing it" and I don't have the luxury to let things flow on their own.  I am the schedule keeper, the finance manager, bill payer, house keeper, meal planner, shopper, and I am sure there are more rolls I play but I don't have a list for those so I forget what else I do. 

Last month when I had my pregnancy scare, I thought long and hard about the choices I had in front of me...have more kids or stay with one?  Well, I made my decision and had an IUD implanted today so I am covered for 10 years.  While I know having more kids would be nice, I also know that I hold myself to such a high standard, I think adding more kids would stress me out even more.  Colleen has a big brother, so she has the benefits of having a sibling and be an only child at the same time.  She also has two cousins her age that she will grow up with so I don't think she will be missing out on anything.  Now that this decision has been made, there is one less thing to worry about. 

Time is not the only thing I need some breathing room in...the same is true for my finances.  Anyone who knows me, knows that I do not live an extravagant lifestyle, I don't drive a new car, or have expensive tastes, I don't care about brand names and can generally get in and out of a grocery store with enough food to last a month and have never gone over $250, but we still live paycheck to paycheck.  Being the money manager of the house, living on tight finances is a very stressful job.  My husband and I have two very different views on money.  I WILL get out of debt and live debt free, but he thinks there is no way it will happen so it makes getting out of debt an even harder battle.  I just have to be ok with knowing I will get us there on my own regardless of how frustrating it is.  So here begins my no spending month - i will do my best to not spend any unnecessary money in order to achieve my goals.

I also know I am very controlled, and therefore rarely have fun, so this is another area that needs addressing.  Since I can't spend money and I want to spend as much time with my family as I can, it looks like I will have to get over my irritation with the outdoors and find fun things to do outside.  I would love to make the backyard beautiful again and  have picnics and play garden tic tac toe like the one I found on Pinterest.  I really am tired of having the greenest yard in the neighborhood during the winter months so maybe I can read up on how to fix that problem.  I'm sure Colleen would LOVE to help mommy pull grass and weeds out of the flower beds.  There is so much to do, I just have to let myself do them. 

I need to have some "me" time as well...one thing I really enjoy is writing.  While I may not be the greatest writer, I'm not the worst either.  I do miss my carefree blogs though and want to try to get back to those days.  Rather then write about all the things I want to do, or want to fix, I want to write about Mommy life and the crazy things Colleen does like how she now has to put her babies to bed and rub their backs before she can leave the room, or how she pushes my kitchen chairs to the sink so she can "wash the dishes."  Those are the things I am going to miss in 5, 10, 15 years...not how I messed up one of my schedules and how I have to fix it for the next day.  I am going to have to add this to my schedule in order to block out the time to do it.

"Don't say anything at all"

I should be use to this feeling...

When I was 2 i had cataract surgery and my lenses were removed, leaving me blind (literally) without the use of contacts or glasses.  Since that age, all the way through 7th grade,  I wore these ridiculously thick glasses that make my eyes the size of my entire head.   As you could imagine I had very little, if any, self esteem.  Kids were down right mean, calling me names, throwing things at me, pushing me around and even ignoring me all together.  I walked with my head down so nobody could see my "big eyes" and stayed in at recess to help the teachers with their papers.  They all thought I was so wonderful, not knowing that I did it because none of the other kids would let me play with them had I actually gone out to recess.

8th grade came in a new state, new school and with contacts and no glasses.  I had a new life and could start over.  I had my small group of friends and even got complimented about my hair...it was a nice change from all the other things I have heard throughout the years and it became a fun little joke among our friends that I had the prettiest hair - it was the only thing I had going for me.

As the years progressed I got more and more confident in myself and left the past behind me.  I didn't care what those kids said to or about me...they were kids after all.  However in the past few months my self doubt has become apparent again...

A year and a half ago I started to lose weight and got a lot of compliments about it but then I kept losing weight and then the compliments stopped and they "you're too skinny" comments started coming in.  I would hear comments about how women who are so skinny that you see their rib bones are disgusting, afraid to say anything because for months I could, and still can, see every bone in my rib cage - I guess that makes me disgusting too.  It was never my intention to get as skinny as I am; I even stopped watching what I ate, started eating all the bad stuff again but nothing has helped me gain any weight back and I actually lose more weight doing it.

None of my clothes fit, and have had to buy all new clothes little bits at a time cause that is all I can afford to do.  I am faced with challenges that I never dreamed I would have to deal with...I am too skinny and too tall to pull off a lot of clothes without looking too skimpy.  Apparently the smaller the size of clothes gets, the shorter they get as well.  While I do want to dress conservatively, it is very hard to find on a very limited budget.  At the same time I don't like being told that everything I wear is to form fitting, to short, to baggy or just plain wrong.  I am an adult after all and if I wear something that is shorter cause that is all that I had to wear that day, or if I didn't have time to fix my hair cause I was too tired, then so be it.

If it's not my weight, or my clothes, then it is my sunglasses on my head or how I'm wrong for wanting to teach Colleen to use the potty since she is still young, even though she is interested in it.   Everything I do or say is always wrong and when I don't say anything, that seems to be worse.  When I stand up for something that I believe is wrong...well, that's wrong too.  I am tired of feeling like I can't say or do anything without it backfiring on me.  I don't say anything about it either in order to "keep the peace".

In order for me to let things go I have to let it out first.  It might not be the right way but at this point in time it is the only way I know.   But this adds to my resolutions...going to the teaching principles of Thumper "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all" cause you never know if there is a person in the next room that is going through what you are talking bad about.  I encourage everyone to do the same...

Bring on the NEW YEAR!

This past year has been full of changes, surprises, unanswered questions, hope, sorrow, happiness, determination and so much more.  Things have happened this past year that I am thrilled about and others I wish had never happened or I could have handled so much better.  This next year I full intend to use what worked and fix what didn't so that 2013 will be so much better then 2012.

My main struggle in 2012 was my ability to handle stress.  Toward the end of the year I was able to regain some peace but it is still not there.  It just so happened that a few weeks ago the sermon was about having the peace with God which reduces stress and brings peace to your life.  My mission for 2013 - obtain this peace.  Which brings me to resolution #1 - read new testament.  Since my time is strapped with going back to school I know I will not have the time to dedicate to reading the whole Bible in a year so I have my reading plan to finish the New Testament in the year.

Now I am an reasonable person and know that giving my worries to God does not include a magic angel to clean my house so my resolution #2 is to clean something every day so my weekends are open for relaxation and I won't be overwhelmed with the mess of the house.  My plan was to get my house completely clean and organized for the new year...well that hasn't happened yet but I am steadily working at it.

While money has been a big stressor this past year, resolution #3 is to do something every week to get out of debt.  While I know I wont be able to fully get out of debt since I am currently going back to school and adding more to student loans each semester, but all other debt is at my fingertips and I fully intend to destroy it.  If this means packing every lunch and even dinners on school days, then so be it.  If this means no more Parker's cokes, well, I gave up cokes for 2 years before picking it back up, why not give it up again?

I have stressed so much about my family; worrying about what we are doing wrong vs. what we are doing right with raising the kids.  Worrying that I'm not being a good mommy because my little girl half the time wants nothing to do with me and only wants her daddy.  Worrying that I am too strict, worrying that I am not strict enough, worrying that I am no fun, worrying that I am worrying too much - see the problem here?  I don't know how to formulate this one in a resolution, nonetheless, I will do what I can to be the best wife and mommy I can be.

A few other things I would like to accomplish this year...
- Make my photo books as the year goes rather then go through a years worth of photos at one time.

- Learn photography so I have reason to use the nice camera rather then the happy snaps, phone cameras and the IPad.  

- Learn to sew better, especially since Colleen is really getting into her "babies", would be so cute to make them matching jammies or matching blankets.  One of her babies at least needs a dress to wear, I don't know where the clothes for that one went...

So lets bring on the new year!

Marriage wake up call...

This past weekend we traveled to Texas for a wedding and generally when you go to a wedding you get that "awwwww" gushy effect, but for me I had a incredibly guilty feeling.  Sitting in the chapel, listening to the preacher talk about love and marriage and the choices you make on the day you get married and every day after that made me realize I haven't been living and loving my husband as I should.

I should love my husband for him but I am constantly wanting him to change and getting mad when he doesn't.  I want him to do things my way rather then accepting and working around how he does things.  I push him to show me love how I want to be loved rather then accepting his way of showing love.  I rationalize that he should want to change the way he does things to make me happy but at the same time I should be changing how I do things as well to better accommodate him.  I desperately want us to be on the same page but can't seem to figure out how to get there.

I am impatient (which pretty much everyone knows about me).  I want things to be great RIGHT NOW, but know in my head that things like a wonderful marriage takes time.  I feel awful because Mark has figured out how to accept my faults as just being a part of me, but I haven't figured out how to do the same for him.

I am more comfortable with order and I do everything I can to make sure there is order in my life, even if it creates conflict in the process.  I haven't REALLY figured out compromise, I say I do, and know the idea of compromise but I don't think I really put it into practice.  I know there are some things that I feel is important but I don't know at what level of importance I should compromise on.  My father always says "pick the hill you will die on" but there are so many hills I think at the moment I will die on.  How do you know what hill you really will die on?  Perhaps if I can answer this question I will then finally figure out the art of compromise.

Part of having the wonderful marriage is knowing who you are, Mark knows who he is, I just don't know fully who I am.  I am always so busy taking care of others, I don't take the time to take care for myself.  This next year, one of my resolutions is to figure out me...in the next 16 days of this year I will attempt to figure the best method to do that.

Baby or no baby...

Baby or no baby, that is the question...

Two weeks ago I took a pregnancy test to rule a pregnancy out when I was having to pee every 5 minutes.  I thought I had a UTI or something but since there was no pain a "what if" crossed my mind.  Once I took the test the plus sign was almost immediate.  Disbelief was my first reaction, how did this happen?  I have been on birth control for almost a year and have still been very careful.  A baby was not in the plans I had for my life, I thought I was done having kids, that Colleen was enough...

I took a second test just to confirm, however this one came back negative, as did the next 3.  According to Google, a false positive was VERY uncommon so I went to the midwife to have a blood test done.  Six days after the positive test I got the call that confirmed, there is no trace of the "baby hormone" and I was not pregnant.

I had 6 days of thinking there was a strong possibility I was pregnant, 6 days of planning out what I was going to do with school, money and even pick out names.  I had it all figured out; If I couldn't do independent study for the classes that semester then I would take that time off school and use it to study and take the CPA exam, therefore the timeline of school and getting my license wouldn't be delayed, just rearranged.

For 6 days, I wanted another child, I wanted to have another delivery, another baby to hold and train to be a momma's baby since my little girl is a daddy's girl all the way.  Now that I am not pregnant all the doubts of having another child is back and I don't know what to do.  I am too practical, I know the finances are tight and another baby would only make it tighter, I know that I need to finish school and having another child would only make it harder. I also know that if I don't have another baby soon there will be a larger age gap then I would want between the kids and my husband is not getting any younger either.

Now I don't know what to do...deciding to have or not to have another baby is a big decision and can come up with every excuse to have or not to have.  This is the reason I was happy for the "oops" cause the decision was out of my hands, what was done was done.  Now it is back to decision time, do we try or find a more long term method of birth control?  Why can't decisions be easy?