Bring on the NEW YEAR!

This past year has been full of changes, surprises, unanswered questions, hope, sorrow, happiness, determination and so much more.  Things have happened this past year that I am thrilled about and others I wish had never happened or I could have handled so much better.  This next year I full intend to use what worked and fix what didn't so that 2013 will be so much better then 2012.

My main struggle in 2012 was my ability to handle stress.  Toward the end of the year I was able to regain some peace but it is still not there.  It just so happened that a few weeks ago the sermon was about having the peace with God which reduces stress and brings peace to your life.  My mission for 2013 - obtain this peace.  Which brings me to resolution #1 - read new testament.  Since my time is strapped with going back to school I know I will not have the time to dedicate to reading the whole Bible in a year so I have my reading plan to finish the New Testament in the year.

Now I am an reasonable person and know that giving my worries to God does not include a magic angel to clean my house so my resolution #2 is to clean something every day so my weekends are open for relaxation and I won't be overwhelmed with the mess of the house.  My plan was to get my house completely clean and organized for the new year...well that hasn't happened yet but I am steadily working at it.

While money has been a big stressor this past year, resolution #3 is to do something every week to get out of debt.  While I know I wont be able to fully get out of debt since I am currently going back to school and adding more to student loans each semester, but all other debt is at my fingertips and I fully intend to destroy it.  If this means packing every lunch and even dinners on school days, then so be it.  If this means no more Parker's cokes, well, I gave up cokes for 2 years before picking it back up, why not give it up again?

I have stressed so much about my family; worrying about what we are doing wrong vs. what we are doing right with raising the kids.  Worrying that I'm not being a good mommy because my little girl half the time wants nothing to do with me and only wants her daddy.  Worrying that I am too strict, worrying that I am not strict enough, worrying that I am no fun, worrying that I am worrying too much - see the problem here?  I don't know how to formulate this one in a resolution, nonetheless, I will do what I can to be the best wife and mommy I can be.

A few other things I would like to accomplish this year...
- Make my photo books as the year goes rather then go through a years worth of photos at one time.

- Learn photography so I have reason to use the nice camera rather then the happy snaps, phone cameras and the IPad.  

- Learn to sew better, especially since Colleen is really getting into her "babies", would be so cute to make them matching jammies or matching blankets.  One of her babies at least needs a dress to wear, I don't know where the clothes for that one went...

So lets bring on the new year!

Marriage wake up call...

This past weekend we traveled to Texas for a wedding and generally when you go to a wedding you get that "awwwww" gushy effect, but for me I had a incredibly guilty feeling.  Sitting in the chapel, listening to the preacher talk about love and marriage and the choices you make on the day you get married and every day after that made me realize I haven't been living and loving my husband as I should.

I should love my husband for him but I am constantly wanting him to change and getting mad when he doesn't.  I want him to do things my way rather then accepting and working around how he does things.  I push him to show me love how I want to be loved rather then accepting his way of showing love.  I rationalize that he should want to change the way he does things to make me happy but at the same time I should be changing how I do things as well to better accommodate him.  I desperately want us to be on the same page but can't seem to figure out how to get there.

I am impatient (which pretty much everyone knows about me).  I want things to be great RIGHT NOW, but know in my head that things like a wonderful marriage takes time.  I feel awful because Mark has figured out how to accept my faults as just being a part of me, but I haven't figured out how to do the same for him.

I am more comfortable with order and I do everything I can to make sure there is order in my life, even if it creates conflict in the process.  I haven't REALLY figured out compromise, I say I do, and know the idea of compromise but I don't think I really put it into practice.  I know there are some things that I feel is important but I don't know at what level of importance I should compromise on.  My father always says "pick the hill you will die on" but there are so many hills I think at the moment I will die on.  How do you know what hill you really will die on?  Perhaps if I can answer this question I will then finally figure out the art of compromise.

Part of having the wonderful marriage is knowing who you are, Mark knows who he is, I just don't know fully who I am.  I am always so busy taking care of others, I don't take the time to take care for myself.  This next year, one of my resolutions is to figure out me...in the next 16 days of this year I will attempt to figure the best method to do that.

Baby or no baby...

Baby or no baby, that is the question...

Two weeks ago I took a pregnancy test to rule a pregnancy out when I was having to pee every 5 minutes.  I thought I had a UTI or something but since there was no pain a "what if" crossed my mind.  Once I took the test the plus sign was almost immediate.  Disbelief was my first reaction, how did this happen?  I have been on birth control for almost a year and have still been very careful.  A baby was not in the plans I had for my life, I thought I was done having kids, that Colleen was enough...

I took a second test just to confirm, however this one came back negative, as did the next 3.  According to Google, a false positive was VERY uncommon so I went to the midwife to have a blood test done.  Six days after the positive test I got the call that confirmed, there is no trace of the "baby hormone" and I was not pregnant.

I had 6 days of thinking there was a strong possibility I was pregnant, 6 days of planning out what I was going to do with school, money and even pick out names.  I had it all figured out; If I couldn't do independent study for the classes that semester then I would take that time off school and use it to study and take the CPA exam, therefore the timeline of school and getting my license wouldn't be delayed, just rearranged.

For 6 days, I wanted another child, I wanted to have another delivery, another baby to hold and train to be a momma's baby since my little girl is a daddy's girl all the way.  Now that I am not pregnant all the doubts of having another child is back and I don't know what to do.  I am too practical, I know the finances are tight and another baby would only make it tighter, I know that I need to finish school and having another child would only make it harder. I also know that if I don't have another baby soon there will be a larger age gap then I would want between the kids and my husband is not getting any younger either.

Now I don't know what to do...deciding to have or not to have another baby is a big decision and can come up with every excuse to have or not to have.  This is the reason I was happy for the "oops" cause the decision was out of my hands, what was done was done.  Now it is back to decision time, do we try or find a more long term method of birth control?  Why can't decisions be easy?

The road to spoiled...

Where is the line that leads to spoiled?

When I think about raising kids I want nothing more then to raise a child who is confident, respectful, and obedient.  What I don't want is to raise an entitlement child, you know, the ones who think you owe them everything and are suppose to do whatever THEY want.  I have always been a firm believer that it starts when they are young but now that I have the "young" child I begin to question where is that starting point leading to spoiled?  

Is the starting point when you allow your toddler to ride a small bicycle through the Goodwill store?  I could lie and say I let her ride it because it wouldn't fit in the buggy, but I really let her do it because it made her so happy and had I not let her ride it she probably would have thrown a fit. Or was the line when I said she could have the bike in the first place since she already had a bike, but I rationalized she needed a bike at her Grammy's house too.  Had the bike not been only $10, I probably would have simply told her no and eventually just left the store without looking around, but it was only 2 McDonald's trips (yes, I judge costs based on how many times I cannot go to McDonald's in order to pay for it).

Is the starting point when you bring toys to restaurants with you to keep toddlers entertained so they don't run around causing trouble?  At what point do you stop letting them bring toys?  At what point do you expect them to sit and behave on their own?  Are you suppose to even bring toys because then they expect to always bring toys?

Is the starting point when you plan your day doing everything your child wants to do so they are always entertained?

Where is the line?  This is always my problem, I over think every decision I make and get it in my head that I have just set myself up for failure when it comes to raising my daughter.  I know that she is still very young and her having fun is about the only thing she really understands right now.  I know I cant expect her to sit and entertain herself all day long and NOT get into things she is suppose to leave alone but I cant seem to turn the worry off.  

When creepy guys follow you...

Wednesday night after class I stopped by Kroger on my way home to pick up some oatmeal since Colleen ran out and would go crazy if she didn't have it in the morning to eat.  It was around 9:15 by the time I got out of the store and as I walked to my car I noticed a guy sitting in his car and when I passed the car again after pushing my buggy back to the front of the store he started his car, which the sound made me jump a little.  I figured he was waiting for someone and saw them walk out of the store so I got in my car and started to leave.  I then noticed the other car pull out without anyone else getting in.  I left the parking lot and got into the turning lane at the light, as did the creepy guy.  I made my turn and there was nobody else in the lane so the creepy guy was able to turn as well, but rather then accelerate normally the car crept very slowly as if they were purposely putting distance between us.  I got to the next light and turned as did the other car and officially got weirded out.

Could it have been a coincidence that we were going the same way?  Absolutely, however, the way he was sitting in the car and the position the car was in (far end of the parking lot with view of the entire area) and how he seemed to wait for me to put my groceries in the car, put my buggy up and get in the car before he decided to leave the store seemed a little to fishy to me.

I was going to continue to drive home, giving the guy the benefit of the doubt that it was a coincidence but I had the overwhelming urge to call Mark and just tell him and expected him to laugh a little at my craziness, however the reaction I got was much different.  "Hang up the phone and call 911, stay on the phone until they pull the guy over and do not come home!"

During his instructions I notice the creepy guy u-turn in a place a normal person would not turn around at this late at night.  I figured if he was following me he saw my phone light up and got scared off (or I really was thinking too much into it).  Nevertheless it never occurred to me NOT to go home.  As Mark put it, even if he didn't pounce that night, the guy would know where I lived and could attack at any time when his truck was not there.  That thought actually scared me...I could have very well lead the creepy guy to my house and gave him open access to me and Colleen.

So, if you ever think some creepy guy is following you take the following actions (as given by my wonderful husband who also happens to be a cop and instructor for things like this)...

- Do not go home.
- Stay in well populated, lit areas
- Do not stop or get out of the car
- Call 911 and stay on phone with them, giving area updates until a cop makes it to you and pulls the creepy guy over.

Even if the creepy guy wasn't creepy after all and I read too much into it, this experience has opened my eyes to what could have been and now know what to do if the situation ever arises again.

Colleen is 2!!!

The past year has brought so many new milestones in my little girl's life...

So much has changed in so little time...

Birthday Mornings

She has learned how to use a fork and spoon to eat, drink from a water bottle and even a big girl cup.

She has learned how to talk and people can even understand her...started out one word at a time and now can carry on a small conversation.  She can tell you what she wants to eat (I want oatmeal) and drink (I want apple juice!) tell you where she wants to go play (I go to park and play), and even what she wants to do (I want to play basketball).  

She has learned to ride her little tricycle using the peddles.  This girl is AMAZING on her bike, she can go forward, backwards, turn into circles, maneuver around furniture and even back right up to something and do a 3 point turn without hitting anything. 

She has a great memory, all you have to do is ask her where she hid Mommy's keys, what she did with the fan remote, or where her cup is, etc. and she goes strait to get the item.  They are usually hiding in her bike trunk or the play kitchen oven.

She knows how to play cook...most adorable thing ever is her asking if I want eggs and watch her go to her play kitchen with the spatula and "make Mommy eggs". 

She knows sounds and recognizes every type of vehicle...the look on her face when she hears an airplane (ayrplane) or helicopter (helekopter)...her eyes get even brighter when she hears a choo choo train and she explodes excitement when she sees or hears a motorcycle (motorkykle).  (If you cant tell by now, she spends ALOT of time with her daddy).

She is a big helper...when her daddy comes home from work she has to help him take off and lock away his gun belt and take off his shoes and socks and tickles his feet (of which her mommy has taught her that they are "stinky feet").   She doesn't stop there...she also helps to put the boots away.  Her favorite helping activity is cutting the grass.  I am sure the neighbors love the fact that she loves to ride with her daddy on the lawn mower for hours...they eventually run out of grass to cut and have to put it away. 

She knows her way around a playground too.  She loves to "whee" ( aka swing) and go really high and go down the slide, sometimes even goes up the slide. 

She says the "God is Great" prayer, can count to 5, sing her ABCs (minus a few letters), twinkle twinkle little star, Jesus loves me, the itsey bitsey spider, and dance to I'm a little teapot.  She knows several of her colors (although if you ask her what color something is...the answer will always be PINK).  She loves to play "the bird" which is my IPad, don't ask me how it got named "the bird" and has even taught me cool tricks on it. 

She LOVES to color and write her name, both Doodle and Colleen and can almost spell her name (she has the C O E E N). 

She is very demanding, when she sits on the floor you have to "sit on floor too!"  She has to do everything on her own "I do it!"

She is good at saving money, every time she finds a coin she has to put it in her piggy bank or in her pocket if we are not home.  Her Grammy has taught her that the small plastic card is "money" and now anything about that size is money too (business cards, ID cards, etc.)

I am SO lucky to be the mommy of this precious little girl!  Mommy loves you Honey, Happy Birthday!!!

Mommy's favorite Colleen sayings/doings...

"I wuv you Mommy!"

"(Insert name here) C'MON!"

Making fishy face

Giving hugs and kisses

"Wub my bak" (rub my back)

"May-I-get-down-please"

"Read book and rock"

"Papow!"

Rubbing Bella's belly

"No touch hinney"

"I pass gas"

"Kitty!  Off Da Table!!"

Least favorite Colleen sayings/doings...

"Mommy, I poopo"

"Bye bye Mommy"

A Parent's Love

A Parent's Love....

A parent's love is a very powerful thing.  A child who is loved and disciplined with love will grow up healthy and happy and at the same time a child who is raised not disciplined and alone will grow up wanting.  I am determined that my daughter will be loved and raised right.  Every day I search for ways to better myself, better my parenting, better my marriage, always learning and loving.

I am a firm believer that time spent with children is more important then anything else.  You cannot buy time, not with toys or candy.  This is one of the reasons I do not care much about money.  I would rather not buy myself fancy things rather then take away time with my family.  Granted right now I am away for two nights a week at school, but I decided to do this now when Colleen is still very young and will forget I was ever missing then when she was older.  I am not going to school to chase money, rather the opportunities that will come with my CPA license.  I also know my husband is more then capable to love my daughter while I am not home.

It is amazing to see what she does with her daddy...the routine of things she has to do with him from taking off his shoes, socks and tickling his feet to helping him put his gun belt in the closet and help him lock it.  She knows to say the blessing at dinner and ask if she can be done and get down.  One of her favorite things to do is ride the "tractor" with daddy and go on a grass cutting spree of the neighborhood (which I feel is teaching her how to love her neighbors).  My husband is very good at showing her how to be kind to others, how to be loving and respectful, and how to be ADORABLE!  

Some of the most important things I want my daughter to learn is to have manners, treat everyone with respect, not to be judgmental, and to love.

When you know you have "The One"

Not every day is a good day but at the end of the day, even those bad days, I can still see the future with you in it. 

On those bad days all I have to do is think about all the good things you do and my heart is full of love again...

I think about how nervous you were standing in front of everyone on our wedding day all while wondering what was going through your head.

I think about your giggles you couldn't stop when I told you we were having a baby then watching as you ran to the bathroom to see for yourself.

I think about you comforting me during my meltdown of being a "horrible mom" cause I didn't wake up when our tiny baby cried - smiling at me and reassuring me that it was ok, that I was tired and you took care of her and I knew then that you would always be there because no matter how hard I try, I am not Supermom. 

I think about you crawling out of Colleen's room on your hands and knees beckoning her back into the kid filled room after she escaped so that I could have a purse party without the kids.

I think about the puppy dog look you give me when you know you messed up bad that time.  If I didn't know better I would think you do that on purpose because I cant stay mad looking at a face like that.

I think about you jumping up and down with your fists clenched imitating one of my hissy fits.

I think about the many stories I have been told by others of how you have made a difference in their lives, the kind things you have done that you didn't have to do. 

I think about the father you are; while you may not be the perfect father, you make it really hard to find the imperfections and I could not think of a better person to be the father of my children. 

Most of all I think about how you hold me when I have a bad day, knowing there is nowhere safer then right there in your arms. 

The thing I want you to remember is although there are bad days sometimes, on those bad days I still know YOU are THE ONE for me. 

Happy Birthday Honey!  I am thankful for being able to spend this GREAT day with you!

The Game of Life

Really bad days come every so often, and on those days you want to do nothing but curl up in a ball and cry for hours. Then comes the day after the bad day and on that day you collect up the pieces from the day before and ever so slowly begin to glue them back together...

Today is the day after the bad day and I am filled with hope despite the fact that I only have half a tooth (one of my very expensive crowns may I add) but everything happens for a reason right.  Just have to figure out what the reasons for this is...perhaps it is reaffirming the need to build up the savings account. 

This morning I also attended a Parent Summit at the church where they discussed how to, and the dangers of, raising a child.  While I already knew the principles of most of what was talked about I did learned a few ways of making discipline not such a hassle.  Although many of the things discussed, such as monitoring kids with technology (which I have FULL intentions of doing) do not pertain to me yet due to Colleen's age.  One thing I am going to really try to do is treat discipline more as the game of life - "uh oh...you did it again...time to start back at go".  Perhaps if I keep this in mind then I can discipline in a loving way and not in an angry way.  One thing that was stressed was to make sure your child knows they have a choice and they are responsible for their actions. 

I know I really want to be the type of parent that does not live one way and teach my children to do another.  I will model the behavior I want them to follow because I know this is the best teaching tool.  To do this I know I need to learn a few things such as controlling my temper better. 

I know being a parent is hard, stressful, and testing but most of all it is SO rewarding and I want it to be just as rewarding for the kids.  

Distractions

Distractions – I face them every day; they take away from what is important, take away my time and fill it with nonsense.  For some reason when I take away one distraction it is replaced with several more.  Am I that much of a procrastinator that I have to have these distractions in my life or am I that paranoid to do something perfect that I give into distractions to keep from failing? 

I can’t think of the last thing I have finished completely and it was stopped by checking Facebook, looking for better ways of doing whatever on Pinterest, catching up on the TV shows I hadn’t watched all week and so many other things.  I can only imagine what I could get done if I got rid of all these distractions – how much happier I would be knowing that I accomplished something and didn’t fail at getting it done.  I would feel so much better walking into a clean house, knowing what I was cooking for dinner (and having the stuff to make it), cooking something different and it actually taste good, having a pretty house cause I actually made that thing I pinned on Pinterest months ago and thought “I would LOVE to do this”. 

Lately I have been so out of control, so many things have distracted me from the things I want the most, distractions that I can’t say mattered at all.  I felt horrible on Monday night because I didn’t get to watch the Bachelorette and I felt worse for caring so much that I missed it.  Something so small as a TV show would get me so upset that I decided that this was the last season I would watch it so I wouldn’t have that feeling again.  I get so upset over things that don’t matter and am determined to fix it.  Why should I get upset over the distractions???  On top of the distractions upsetting me, I get even more upset for allowing myself to be distracted. 

I have to figure out a way to handle some of the stress in my life.  I have been having too many meltdowns and I hate it.  I feel more out of control when I waste time rather than getting things done.  I hate feeling like I failed when someone walks into my house and it is a mess, even more when I hadn’t been watching my bank account and there is that “uh oh” moment.  I haven’t been able to pinpoint what has been triggering my meltdowns but I think I will be able to limit them if I get some control back by ridding myself of the distractions.  

My first gun class...success!

Never would I have ever imagined that I would sit here and wonder about what type of gun I would like for myself. I didn’t think I would ever tell my husband I wanted a P22 but after a few hours change my mind because it wasn’t strong enough. Talking about guns is usually at the bottom of my list of things to talk about unless it’s a “No honey, we can’t afford that gun right now.” My newfound excitement about guns came yesterday when I finally took one of Mark’s classes.

A month or so ago, our church did a “Just Married” series in which the sermons were geared towards how to make your marriage better. It was from those messages that I started to feel like I needed to do something so that we could live happily ever after so I contacted the church to get some additional help which lead to taking the enneagram test and eventually led to me making an appointment to see a counselor. I knew I had a problem with relationships in the aspect that I have an overwhelming desire to make them perfect and when something goes wrong, I go into panic overload. I constantly live in fear of the unknown and since both Mark and I have been married before I know that it is very easy to fall into that “divorce” state of mind. I am determined for that to never be an option in our relationship, as is Mark – but that FEAR is still there. Anyway – among other things the counselor suggested I do, one was to do things Mark wants to do. I like spending time with him but I hate dirt, bugs, heat, etc. I have to start choosing what I hate more…the outdoors OR not doing things with my husband. Hence, the gun class.

The class was actually a lot of fun, including the lecture at the beginning on gun safety (this was BEGINNER class so lecture time was inevitable) and my only beefs with the lecture were the parts that I have heard 1000 times (being the instructor’s wife – I was bound to hear some stories A LOT) but for the rest of the class participants it was no problem and overall interesting.

Starting off the shooting portion of the class I had a few issues with the gun I was using – which was later fixed with using a different kind of bullet. (Apparently the P22 I was using likes a better quality bullet then the “class guns” that Sister was using). I was hitting my target despite the sight problems I have. With my vision is corrected in a way that one eye sees close and one eye sees far – and the front sight of the gun happens to fall in the “no see” section which creates a problem with accuracy of bullet placement.   

After a few drills of shooting the target, we started to get into more “real world” scenarios instead of standing and shooting drills.  I tend to have the mentality that nothing bad is going to happen to me so the scenarios themselves were a little unnecessary in my mindset BUT was still good to know since my fantasy world is not reality.    One person taking the class said that if I was ever robbed then my mindset would change…well – I have been robbed before – at gunpoint, but I guess my mind blocks it out with the “lightening doesn’t strike the same place twice” attitude.  Nevertheless – I feel more confident now that IF something were to happen I would know more what to do. 



When we started the “reloading drills” I switched guns to Mark’s Glock (I LOVE that gun)!  When I looked back at the pictures of the class I noticed that with the little gun (P22) my stance was way off and I think it was because of how much the gun DID NOT kick so I wasn’t forced to really hold onto it, but with the Glock I KNEW I had to hold it a lot firmer otherwise it would kick my butt.  I did a lot better with that gun, however it did end up hurting my hand a little bit after shooting it several times – so I switched to a 9MM (don’t know exactly what gun it was – but I felt like Goldie Locks – after trying the baby gun, and the daddy gun – the mama gun fit just right).

Although the class was a blast – the best thing was seeing my husband in action and him knowing that I do support him.  This has opened up such a HUGE part of his life that I can actually be a part of now which is very precious to me.  Perhaps once I REALLY decide what gun I want (and have it painted HOT PINK!!!) we can start having date night at the range.  He would never turn that one down!    

I will protect who I want to be...

I’ve been searching and searching for a blog with the same ideas as I have for myself and my family.  I kept thinking “I can’t be the only one to think this way” but after empty searches I have given up on finding a “how to be me” blog and decided I needed to make my own.  First I have to figure out how to be me comfortably…

How I protect who I want to be…

I am determined to have a great relationship with my husband – granted some of my methods might be a little backwards but for the most part I feel my determination will eventually prevail.  Part of my dedication to my husband is my commitment to him to remain faithful.  I have made comments in the past about me not having or wanting male friends because I don’t want there to ever be the opportunity of an affair occurring.  The comments I got from this were for the most part unsupportive.  This is something I chose for myself and not for anyone else.  I was basically told that because I chose not to have male friends that I was not trusting and did not truly love my husband cause if I did I would have nothing to worry about.  I beg to differ – it is because I truly love my husband that I keep myself away from potentially dangerous situations.  Why would I need a friend (not acquaintance) of the opposite sex at this point in my life?  If I need a guy’s opinion – I ask my husband; if I want to do “guy” things- I do them with my husband.  I am almost certain that of those who had affairs, the affair started off as some type of innocent friendship. 

Along the same aspect of friendship – I have began to weed out “friendships” (more like acquaintances) and cutting off connections with those who have completely different viewpoints of what they want out of life.  Just a few examples of this would be…

People actively seeking or involved in extramarital relationships – I have no respect for those cheating on their spouse.  While I understand that people have made mistakes in their past and I don’t hold that against them, but they can control the present and prevent the future. 

I do not want to be around or even talk about drugs.  I have never tried them nor will I ever try them.  Honestly, even the discussion of someone else doing drugs makes me uncomfortable.  I have nothing to prove to those who say I am missing out or that there is nothing wrong with it.  That’s fine – you do what you want to do but keep it away from me and my family. 

I do not need to drink and party every night – I have a little girl at home who needs me more then I need to have fun time.  Perhaps when she is MUCH older I will go out more but there is enough that I miss while I am at work – I don’t want to miss out on more.

I will be a positive influence in my children’s lives.  I will not let TV or video games raise my kids.  I will know and approve what they watch, I will know their friends, I will take them to church, and I will tell them NO. 

I will be who I will be and not allow anyone to try to make me more “relaxed” because I feel when I drop the values I hold close to my heart, it’s not only me that I will fail, but my family too.  I feel in today’s society I have to be even more particular because there are so many negative influences, most of which go unnoticed by so many.  I have allowed people to influence my decisions in the past to do things I regret and it may happen again in the future – but it is going to be a fight getting to that point. 

Choosing to be Positive

The more I try to make my life better the more I notice how much the outside world influences me.  I am very thankful that I am becoming more aware of what is going on around me and am able to pinpoint things that I do not like and do not want in my life.  Although I consider myself a rational person, irrational thoughts do tend to run through my head constantly; most of it involves my family life. 

I have the tendency to go into crisis mode if my husband and I ever argue and want to immediately make up some rules or some other type of structure to keep the argument from happening again because I fear in 20 years our marriage will be in shambles if we don’t do something RIGHT NOW.   A few weeks ago I went into meltdown mode at one of our small group meetings because we were discussing marriage.  One of the couples in our group has been married for 25+ years and they said they never fight and are very loving toward one another.  Immediately I knew I wanted that but had no clue how to get that kind of marriage – hence meltdown mode.  I’m not use to couples actually liking each other after they had been married for so long.  I’m use to “he’s so stupid!” or “I’m here because I’m tolerant” and that scares the crap out of me because I don’t want that for myself. 

I remember getting so frustrated with my husband for not understanding my urgency to make our marriage as good as we could possibly get it but then I asked him “didn’t your parents ever fight?”  He looked at me and said that he honestly doesn’t remember them fighting.  I knew then that this was my fight; it is almost like he is oblivious to how bad marriage could actually be.  My fear is not something I can blame on others – I am an adult now and I need to retrain myself to look at the good and not focus so much on the bad. 

I’ve been fighting this fight of focusing on the good for a few weeks already and have already noticed a few simple changes in my own behavior.  Checking back on my Facebook my negative comments have been very controlled.  I notice while reading other’s comments I get a sick feeling when I come across one that I know is not a positive influence on me and I reevaluate my relationship with the person posting the status.  If I find this person is constantly negative I hide their posts, otherwise I chalk it up to having a bad day.   This is one of my boundaries I have set up for myself.  I’m not going to continue to allow other people to drag me down with their destructive behavior. 

My boundaries are a topic of their own, one of which I will address shortly.  I need to write them down and share them so that way others will know and hopefully respect my boundaries if there is ever a time where they could possibly be crossed.

Had a bad day...

When do the words “Shut up” start to mean anything?  Well, I’ll tell you it’s not at 18 months old…

Today started off somewhat crazy, both Colleen and I slept in.  She normally is up by 7:15 but today I had to wake her up at 8 to get her ready to go to Grammy’s house.  I didn’t have time to fix her breakfast or dry my hair and when my hair looks like crap it’s just a recipe for disaster for the rest of the day. 

While dropping Colleen off I remembered I was out of sugar at work for my coffee, so I filled a to-go cup at Mother’s and took it with me.  Half way to work I figured it was cool enough to drink it so I took a sip only to find out that the lid for the coffee cup was the wrong one and it spilled all over my lap – HOT!!!

Work was at least less of a headache – trying to get as much done as I can before I take off the rest of the week.  Due to Mark’s schedule change, he is working every day this week so rather then have to pay over $100 for childcare, I decided to use some vacation time and take off Wednesday, Thursday and Friday and use that time to get the house in order, perhaps do something fun with the kids (since Mark is out of school for the summer) and just relax. 

5:00 rolls around and mom dropped Colleen off to me at work and we headed to Kroger to get some food – which having to take the detour around town to get to the store should have put me off a few days, but due to my lack of planning there was nothing pulled out for dinner.  We get to the store and I saw one of the car grocery carts – you know the ones with the big buggy car on the front end of it to let the kids play while you shop, so rather than risk a repeat of the last grocery trip (of Colleen fussing the whole time because she wanted to get out of the cart and play) I got the car cart.  It was the last one and it was just my luck that it was the one without the seatbelt.  I took it anyway, hoping that Colleen would be a good girl since she LOVES her cars at the house.

By the time we got to Aisle 1, she was over the car and every time we stopped she would try to escape.  I found myself rushing to put the items in the cart so that we wouldn’t come to a full stop and allow her to get out.  Welllllll…that lasted about 5 minutes before she started to JUMP out of the moving car so she could run around the store despite the number of “stay in the car” commands.  When she almost took out the row of glass pickle jars I had enough and put her in the top buggy seat and belted her in.  I should have just cut the shopping trip short and left then but I was so frustrated at not finishing the shopping the last time that I was determined to get it all done. 

You know the kid in the store that is crying and screaming and you think to yourself “Why won’t that mother DO SOMETHING” – yep that was Colleen.  I didn’t know what to do.  I tried ignoring it, I tried reasoning with her, tried to tell her that if she would be good I’d get her some ice cream – nope, nothing worked.  Finally I gave up – I was so embarrassed – I knew what everyone in the store was thinking, cause I had thought it when it wasn’t my kid.  The whole time at checkout I was cursing Kroger for not having the stupid seat belt on the car cart.  To top off my shopping trip I ended up having to do two transactions because the cashier didn’t ring up my toilet paper.  He even asked if I still wanted it – yeah…that was one of the important items buddy…

Pushing the cart of half the groceries I intended to get back to the car I remembered I had failed to get the beach toys out of the trunk so I had virtually no space for the groceries – WONDERFUL!  I managed to get them all in the car, started the car, rolled the window down (so I wouldn’t accidently lock Colleen in the car again) and pushed the POS cart back where it belonged. 

Dinner – I REALLY wanted fried cube steak (which I never fry anything in the house).  I naively thought Colleen would let me cook dinner in peace – WRONG AGAIN.  Frying and holding toddler at the same time = bad idea, so I kept taking her back to her room and closing the door in hopes that  she would stay – nope.  At this point my nerves were shot, my patients lost, and my head pounding.  FINALLY Mark made it home and he took her outside in her new wagon – PEACE AND QUIET.  I managed to screw up the gravy and had to start over again – not so peaceful.

Dinner is served and Colleen not only dumps her plate, tries to stab the table with her fork but also tries to open her water and dump it out.  Then the screaming starts.  I couldn’t handle it anymore.  “SHUT UP!!!”  She looked at me like I was crazy mommy and continued with her behavior and I was done.  My mind went into hyper drive – She won’t listen to me, she won’t do what she is told, she wants to do nothing but run wild - what have I done wrong???  I can’t handle it anymore and start on Mark for him to DO SOMETHING with her – go give her a bath – SOMETHING, of which he does. 

Now I sit here thinking about everything that is wrong – everything that I need to do – everything that I need to make a decision on and everything that I have said to Colleen today and I feel HORRIBLE.  When did I become bitchy, angry, crazy mommy?  When did the sweet little girl who wanted nothing to do with ANYONE but her mommy become the wild daddy-loving girl she is now? 

I’m hoping that today was just a bad day – for both of us. 

This song made me feel so much better - BAD DAY

Finding ME

Mark and I recently took a personality test called the Enneagram which pegged us down perfectly.  First let me back track a little bit. 

Our church has been doing a marriage series entitled “Just Married?” and it got my gears turning.  Now my marriage is not bad, but it could be better.  You know those older couples you see that seem SOOO in love, well – that’s what I want.  I understand that you don’t get that type of relationship overnight – you have to work at it.  I felt the problem was with Mark because he refused to work on it with me, “if it isn’t broken, why fix it” was his philosophy.  Well I couldn’t handle that answer so I went searching and called the church after a meltdown in my small group. 

The church has an option for married couples to get into contact with Marriage Mentors, of which they match you up with another couple who will help guide you along the right path.  Through the process a pastor talks to you to get a feel for what is going on so he can place you with the correct couple.  Based on the fact that we have both been previously married, that we are approaching our 3^rd year of marriage, that our family is blended, and that Mark is a cop, he recommended that we try marriage counseling first because our dynamics are a little more complicated then the average marriage mentor is equipped to handle. 

This is where the Enneagram came into play.  I asked Mark about the counseling (of which he felt we didn’t need it but if I felt it necessary for me then he would do it).  So we took the personality tests first which has given me a lot of insight to what I need to work on.  Most of our marriage problems (that Mark seems to think don’t exist) comes straight from my personality type.  I’m a 6 – a loyal person who likes rules (black and white) and because of the type of person I am and how I've delt with it in the past, I tend to live my life in fear.  I tend to look at all possibilities and see how they all could play out in the future.  Because I do this out of fear I see our marriage ending up like my parents and it scares the crap out of me.  Although our marriage is far from that point I can see it clear as day in my head in the next 20 or 30 years and I try to fix it now, allowing my fear to cloud my present life. I can hear it now, people saying "just don't stress about it" but that is like telling a toddler not to move...its not so easy to just not stress or fear something.   

Mark, on the other hand, is an 8 – a powerful person.  Powerful people don’t like weakness, they tend to stomp it out.  So my fear is sometimes portrayed as weakness which makes him uncomfortable and shuts it out.  8’s also tend to stick up for the underdogs, which explains why when anyone remotely says anything negative about me, he goes into ravage dog mode and wants to bite your head off – his protector mode.  This is too why he makes such a good police officer, he can use his powers for good – granted he knows how to use his “powers”, other powerful people tend to be the bullies and I am very thankful that Mark has a handle on who he is. 

After we got our results from the Enneagram and they were explained to us I felt much better about our relationship because I know now that Mark knows who he is, but I on the other hand don’t know who I am.  Based on my results it was concluded that I live my life in fear because someone in my childhood used their authority in a way that caused me fear.  As the counselor explained, this worked for me as a child but now that I am an adult I need to change my way of handling things which is why I will go back and work on figuring that out.  Once I figure that out I might bring Mark back into the picture and perhaps try marriage counseling but I don’t think we will need it, not after I figure out ME. 

Enneagram Type 6 - The Loyalist

Conflicted between trust and distrust

People of this personality type essentially feel insecure, as though there is nothing quite steady enough to hold onto. At the core of the type Six personality is a kind of fear or anxiety. This anxiety has a very deep source and can manifest in a variety of different styles, making Sixes somewhat difficult to describe and to type. What all Sixes have in common however, is the fear rooted at the center of their personality, which manifests in worrying, and restless imaginings of everything that might go wrong. This tendency makes Sixes gifted at trouble shooting, but also robs the Six of much needed peace of mind and tends to deprive the personality of spontaneity. The essential anxiety at the core of the type Six fixation tends to permeate the personality with a sort of "defensive suspiciousness." Sixes don't trust easily; they are often ambivalent about others, until the person has absolutely proven herself, at which point they are likely to respond with steadfast loyalty. The loyalty of the Six is something of a two edged sword however, as Sixes are sometimes prone to stand by a friend, partner, job or cause even long after it is time to move on.

Sixes are generally looking for something or someone to believe in. This, combined with their general suspiciousness, gives rise to a complicated relationship to authority. The side of the Six which is looking for something to believe in, is often very susceptible to the temptation to turn authority over to an external source, whether it be in the form of an individual or a creed. But the Six's tendency towards distrust and suspicion works against any sort of faith in authority. Thus, two opposite pulls exist side by side in the personality of enneatype Six, and assume different proportions in different individuals, sometimes alternating within the same individual.

The truly confounding element when it comes to typing Sixes is that there are two fundamentally different strategies that Sixes adopt for dealing with fear. Some Sixes are basically phobic. Phobic Sixes are generally compliant, affiliative and cooperative. Other Sixes adopt the opposite strategy of dealing with fear, and become counterphobic, essentially taking a defiant stand against whatever they find threatening. This is the Six who takes on authority or who adopts a dare devil attitude towards physical danger. Counterphobic Sixes can be agressive and, rather than looking for authorities, can adopt a rebellious or anti-authoritarian demeanor. Counterphobic Sixes are often unaware of the fear that motivates their actions. In fact, Sixes in general, tend to be blind to the extent of their own anxiety. Because it is the constant back drop to all of their emotions, Sixes are frequently unaware of its existence, as they have nothing with which to contrast it.

Enneagram Type 8 - The Challenger

Taking charge, because they don't want to be controlled

People of this personality type are essentially unwilling to be controlled, either by others or by their circumstances; they fully intend to be masters of their fate. Eights are strong willed, decisive, practical, tough minded and energetic. They also tend to be domineering; their unwillingness to be controlled by others frequently manifests in the need to control others instead. When healthy, this tendency is kept under check, but the tendency is always there, nevertheless, and can assume a central role in the Eight's interpersonal relationships.

Eights generally have powerful instincts and strong physical appetites which they indulge without feelings of shame or guilt. They want a lot out of life and feel fully prepared to go out and get it. They need to be financially independent and often have a hard time working for anyone. This sometimes necessitates that the Eight opt out of the system entirely, assuming something of an outlaw mentality. Most Eights however, find a way to be financially independent while making their peace with society, but they always retain an uneasy association with any hierarchical relationship that sees the Eight in any position other than the top position.

Eights have a hard time lowering their defenses in intimate relationships. Intimacy involves emotional vulnerability and such vulnerability is one of the Eight's deepest fears. Betrayal of any sort is absolutely intolerable and can provoke a powerful response on the part of the violated Eight. Intimate relationships are frequently the arena in which an Eight's control issues are most obviously played out and questions of trust assume a pivotal position. Eights often have a sentimental side that they don't even show to their intimates, such is their fear of vulnerability. But, while trust does not come easily to an Eight, when an Eight does take someone into the inner sanctum, they find a steadfast ally and stalwart friend. The Eight's powerful protective instincts are called into play when it comes to the defense of family and friends, and Eights are frequently generous to a fault in providing for those under their care.

You learn a lot at the beach...

I learned a lot of things today…

The beach is not so bad – besides the sand getting everywhere, there really isn’t a reason to avoid it.  Granted Colleen did love to go in the water, which was a little scary at times, she stayed in the sandy part and played in the waves. 

I have to use baby sun block when I go outside – after 3 hours and 3 applications of baby sun block SPF 50 I still managed to get a little pink in places. 

Having a baby/toddler/kid does not mean I can’t go and do things – for the longest time I have used Colleen as my excuse not to do things because I was either afraid or didn’t have the energy to keep up with her.  Today I put those excuses aside and went to the beach anyway.  Would it have been more relaxing not to have her there?  Yes, but the enjoyment she got out of playing in the waves was far more precious than relaxing for a few hours. 

Everybody needs a hookie day – this week my sitter was on vacation so I had nobody to babysit (besides the drop in daycare down the road) so rather than worry about what I was going to do with her I scheduled myself off work today.  I have 2 weeks of vacation to use up this year and I’m not planning on actually going anywhere on vacation so I figure why not use them a day here and a day there. 

The most important thing I learned today is that I need to relax more – not everything has to be taken care of RIGHT NOW – I can’t fix everything – I can’t do everything – I just need to go with the flow more.

Fantasy vs. Reality

A few months ago a girl I know found out she was expecting and was SOOO sick; made me think of when I was pregnant, so that night I went home and pulled up my blog and went back in time and reread all my pregnancy blogs and asked myself – when did I get so negative and want to fix everything and everyone?  When I was pregnant I was so excited and positive even when I was puking in the bushes in the front yard or when I could hardly move because of the lack of food and water.  I don’t know when that excitement faded out.  Perhaps it was when I could no longer live in my fantasy world and the real world took over. 

Is it so bad living in a fantasy world?  A world where you think everything is going to be ok and nothing bad is ever going to happen?  Growing up I was always very naive, and I liked it that way.  One of the hardest lessons I’ve had to learn was that people are not always nice and have your best interest at heart.  There are still some things I know but refuse to admit because I like life without that fact, is that bad?  Do we have to admit everything to ourselves?  Can we not live in a fantasy world if that is what makes us feel better? 

My husband gets onto me about my fantasy world when it comes to politics – he says I have to open my eyes and pay attention to what is going on around me.  My thoughts are that there are enough people worrying about that stuff so I don’t need to get myself bent out of shape about it so I just duck back into my shell and cast those thoughts aside and live in my politic free life. 

I always TRY to make the best out of every situation but after so long of trying it becomes harder and harder to see the light.  I try to make situations better, however, I try to do it by changing the other parties involved and get frustrated when they don’t listen.  So, being the planner that I am, I’m going to try even HARDER to lead by example and learn by other’s examples.

Last night my husband was the prime example of how to be a fun parent.  There were a total of 5 kids at the house, Colleen (18 months), a boy almost 2, another almost 4, and a 6 and 9 year old girl.  He had them all in Colleen’s room (which isn’t big enough for that many kids) playing and coloring.  Several times one would escape (most of the time it was Colleen) and there would be Mark – peeking his head around the corner from her room on his hands and knees, calling her back to the room.  She would get so excited seeing her daddy that she would run back over to him and laugh.  When the kids got tired of the room he took them all outside to play a game of “find the ball” – then to the back yard to pick flowers – never once complaining about entertaining the kids.  He was the perfect playful dad last night and I could only try to be as fun as he was with the kids.  THIS is what I want my life to be like – inspiring, fun, and positive - not negative.  Perhaps when I get a handle on that then everything will fall into place and I won’t have to live in my fantasy world – it will become my reality. 

PS – If you are reading this, please “LIKE” my blog FB page. 

Just Married

I’m sure if you live in the Savannah area you have probably seen several cars with the “Just Married?” written on the back windshield and wondered what was going on.  I’m sure several people noticed the website and meant to look it up when they got home but then forgot what it was by the time they got around to it.  Well, I’ll help you out on the big mystery.   Savannah Christian Church had the pretty ingenious idea of writing “Just Married?” on the back of every car that would let them in order to get the questions going and invite you to their marriage series.  The basic message is as follows (in my words…)

Just Married – GREAT!  A couple made the commitment to each other to stay together for a lifetime.  It’s a long hard road, one which you have to work at otherwise you will find yourself “just married”.  The life will slowly begin to leave your marriage and you will soon find yourself in the relationship for the mere fact that you are married.  So many marriages get to this point and it spirals out of control from there - soon they are knocking at Divorce’s door.  This is the rut that my church, Savannah Christian, is trying to keep marriages out of or rescue them from. 

I’m sure everyone KNOWS you have to work at a marriage for it to work but knowing and doing are two different things.  A few months back I had an epiphany regarding my marriage and how I treated my husband (Changing my ways and putting my husband first).  I figured that I couldn’t change him so I had to change myself (the same thing the first message of this “Just Married” series stressed).  For about two weeks my marriage was great – my husband was being thoughtful, I was being cool headed, things were good – but then slowly it began to revert back to how it was.  I quit holding back and began bickering again, the peace was gone.  My marriage is not bad, but it is also not GREAT and it could be better, just as all marriages could be. 

When I heard the first message of the series and the philosophy that you have to change yourself came about, my first reaction was “AMEN – see Honey, you need to change.”  It was at that point I knew I was in for a rude awakening.  If I changed then slowly he will as well – just as he did when I made a decision to change a few months back. 

As Cam said “Healthy breads Healthy.”  Makes sense right?  Don’t you smile when a bubbly person walks into the room just as your spirits drop when a person who is consistently negative is in the same area?  Look at your Facebook friends – there are people you want to read their posts and some you wish you could unfriend but know you would hurt their feelings if you did.  Wouldn’t that same principle apply to your marriage?  My dad once said watch a dog and see how excited they get when their owner gets home and do the same thing to your spouse.  As much as I hate admitting my dad is right – he was right.  If the first reaction to your spouse coming home is excitement – like you have been waiting for them to come home ALL day, it would be easier to have a great night then if you greeted them with complaints. 

If your marriage is lacking (or just could use a little freshness) I would encourage you to attend this series (or watch it online if you don’t actually want to go to church). 

p.s. I borrowed the car picture - it looked a lot better then my car.

How (and why) I lost 25 pounds...

Last summer my husband broke his wrist in a training class – apparently the police dog liked his wrist a little too much.  Being a guy he figured he could wrap his wrist and it would heal.  About a month later the wrist started to swell again so he finally went to the doctor.  Sure enough it was broken and apparently he would have healed it himself had he had a larger brace on it (which he ended up getting rather than casting it) but while he was there the Dr called him out on his weight.  I had been telling him for MONTHS that he needed to lose some weight but his excuse was always “I don’t have the time to go work out as much as I would need to.”  He never listened to me that if he watched what he ate he would get great results but when the Doctor said that he needed to watch what he ate (since he was older and working out would not help much) he finally listened. 

At this point I felt a little bad that he was going to have to go on a diet and here I was still eating McDonalds and whatever else I wanted with no consequence (granted I was still nursing so I could afford some extra calories).  I made a deal with Mark that I would change my eating habits with him so he wouldn’t have to do it alone.  All fast food was a no-no, soda was gone, Mark gave up his sweet tea (which he substituted with splenda water – gross!), fish and chicken was readily stocked in the house as well as lots of veggies. 

We never did get a good “starting weight” on him cause he refused to step on the scale but I have a pretty good idea.  I still had a few pounds to lose from my pregnancy so my starting weight was 152 (pre-pregnancy was 148).  I set myself a goal weight of 140 and no less than 135 cause I never dreamed I would ever lose more than that and didn’t want to set myself up for failure. 

Weight started falling off of me quicker then Mark, which I credited to the nursing, but he lost 15 pounds in the first month.  When I hit 140 within the first month I was shocked, then I hit 135, then 130 and I was getting a little worried that I was losing too much weight.  At that point every morning I weighted light I ate McDonalds for lunch to counteract it.  Right now (7 months after the “change” started) I am weighing in consistently at 127 (although I at one point hit 124 and ate horrible to gain that weight back).  Mark ended up losing at least 30 pounds (since we don’t have a starting number we can only go off what his first weigh in was). 

My sister told me when I started to lose weight to keep in mind that I will look good no matter what, that when I get thinner I will still think I need to lose more so be careful.  For once my sister was right.  As the weight dropped my weight limit dropped lower and lower.  I began striving for a lower number each day.  Eventually I realized what was going on and reminded myself that I couldn’t lose more weight without being too thin.  Still today I look down and find “pudginess” especially around my waist and think I can lose a few more pounds to get rid of that but I know that I will actually have to exercise that off (something that I really don’t want to have to do). 

I’m not trying to brag or say “look at me”, rather show that changing your behavior really does work, anything is possible.  I figured I would really have to work to lose 5 or 10 pounds and ended up losing 25 in 4 months.  This is also coming from someone who knows nothing about weight loss or any training what so ever but I am very good at self control (except when it comes to what comes out of my mouth – but that is for a different day). 

AFTER

BEFORE

(disregard the horrible hair and sunglasses - this was the only picture I could find)